Black Sheep Pt. 04

And so the night concluded with everyone in a jolly mood. Everyone but me, that is. That was how I knew I'd lost her forever. She wasn't mine anymore. Maybe she was right and she was never mine to begin with. How the hell could I possibly find peace with that?

CHAPTER 4.3: ISHTAR

The only finalised thing was that Chrissy and I wanted to get married before we moved away. That gave us very little time to prepare something decent enough to meet the Henshaw standard of things, as my parents put it.

Chrissy insisted that it didn't matter when we had the wedding. His mother insisted on spring, and my mother insisted that winter weddings were the best because of the snowy ambience. Foolishly, I called my dad for his opinion so naturally, he insisted on something different from everyone else's suggestion. He wanted it to be in the fall because the falling leaves would go very well with our theme. When I asked what he thought was our theme he didn't exactly have an answer. He mumbled something about people really loving New York falls.

Again, foolishly, I asked Lexi for her opinion and she wrinkled up her nose and went on and on about how I left everything way too late, about how there was no way I'd have a grand wedding before we moved. When she was done scolding me she finally said: "I think you should start by getting a wedding planner."

"How can I get a wedding planner if I don't even have a date yet?"

"That's where wedding planners come in; they'll help you find out what venues are available for which dates?"

"But I want to incorporate the season into the wedding. Don't look at me like I'm crazy now. I'm so clueless on everything else and that seems straightforward enough. If I have a general theme I figure it will be easier to plan around it."

"What does Christopher think?"

"Mostly, he just wants a wedding."

"Why don't you just incorporate your respective heritages into it? Bring your bohemian flavour, something from the sixties and seventies, and bring in all the traditional wedding stuff from him. I personally think it will be very cute. It will be like a joining of two worlds, which is what weddings are essentially about. People love that kind of stuff."

She grabbed the popcorn bowl from my hands and tossed a few of them into her mouth. Her voice muffled by her chewing, she continued: "That way Chrissy would be forced, by necessity, into not being such a typical guy since he'd have an actual part to play in all the planning."

That's when I realised I should have gone to her first. Apart from Chrissy, she was the most practical person I knew. Plus she had the added advantage of caring about things he considered frivolous. She and I were like long lost twins who were the exact opposite of one another, such that in the end we were like two halves of some cliché concept of opposing forces existing in perfect harmony.

Where I preferred dresses and wedged shoes, Lexi was a faded jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. There was also this old pair of All Star sneakers I so desperately wanted to throw out; she wore those things everywhere and with everything. She never tamed her wild curls with a hairband or anything like that, and she hated make-up and jewellery with undying passion.

She was tall and lithe, and so light-skinned that most people thought she was white. She was actually Colombian and liked to boast that once, she took one of those 'Who Do You Think You Are' kind of tests and discovered that she owed as much as 69% of her genetic make-up to West Africa.

I asked that we meet at her apartment (which was my old cheap one) because the one I shared with Chrissy was simply overflowing with people. Or more accurately, after my mother decided that Roselyn wasn't a snob, the two of them couldn't be separated. They spent hours and hours in the kitchen bickering over which new recipe they were going to try.

Then they went out and bought more recipe books (featuring mostly South Asian food because those usually contained the best vegetarian dishes). After that they would go to the farmers' market for ingredients, which they also couldn't agree on, and finally, hours later, they'd convince themselves that maybe it was better to let one of the three of us—Chrissy, me, or Linc, decide which new and exotic thing we wanted to try.

The confusing part was that all of it usually happened while Roselyn was supposed to be on a sightseeing bus (or something like that) because officially, she was on holiday.

Even more than that, I was escaping Linc because for some inexplicable reason he and my mother were another inseparable pair. It kind of annoyed me because my mother never made that kind of effort with Chrissy.

So every day for a few hours I went to Lexi's place to get some work done. Roselyn and my mother wished me luck and asked me, more than a few times, if I was sure that I didn't want them to drive me there. "We never go anywhere with that rental car," said Roselyn. I politely declined and assured her I'd let her know when I was done so they could pick me up.

I resented Linc so much. Whenever he was there my whole life somehow revolved around him in one way or another. It didn't matter how hard I tried to change that, he still managed to insert himself. It made me feel so guilty because Chrissy suddenly turned into this...this person who didn't occupy every thought or dream I had; Linc overtook all that. Ugh, I hated him so much.

Presently I drank some water from her water bottle and said: "Lexi Love, I have something I need to tell you."

"I knew it, you're pregnant!"

"No, no, no! Why on Earth would you think that?"

"So you're not pregnant?"

"No. I'm not pregnant. Gosh! First my parents thought they could actually hear my weight loss on the phone and now you randomly think I'm pregnant. What is wrong with people?"

"Okay, I'm going to make a list and I need you to not bite my head off. One, you've been moody since you got back. Two, I've caught you a few times looking off into the distance and then suddenly shaking your head as if to wish away something you were guiltily thinking about. Three, you've been super-secretive; you know how badly I want to meet Christopher's family but for some unknown reason you've been actively keeping me away from your apartment. Last but not least, you've been very moody since you got back."

"You repeated one of those."

"I know. I did it on purpose because you've been very—"

"Oh shut up."

"See what I mean? Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

"I'm sorry. There's a really good reason for that." Without further preamble, I dove right in: "Linc is back."

Lexi nearly choked. Luckily, she regained control and took a swig of the water. "What did you just say?"

"Right now I'm more concerned about you."

"You're trying to deflect."

"Okay, okay. Linc is back. That's not even the worst part. The worst part is that he's Chrissy's prodigal brother."

"I thought Christopher's brother is was some guy named Henry."

"They're the same person. Actually, Lincoln never existed. It turns out in addition to everything else, he lied about his name. And now he's telling me that he never slept with Kim and for some reason he thinks I'm with Chrissy because I'm plotting to get back at him and he's still crazy, Lexi, I mean he kissed me and he thinks he can just come back and I'll fall at his feet"."

I stopped to catch my breath, then continued: "And even worse than that is that he doesn't want to take responsibility for any of the shit he pulled so he lied to Chrissy and now Chrissy doesn't know anything and I've been lying to him and I feel like I've been cheating on him and it's all Linc's fault. What kind of person does that?"

Apparently having absorbed everything I said in my rant, she nodded. "A fucking crazy person, that's who. This is a disaster, Ishtar. This is a fucking disaster, is what it is. First though, I feel like I have to ask, given what happened seven years ago: do you still have feelings for him?"

I felt tears spring from my eyes, so I closed them with hope that I would stop crying. "I don't know, Lexi. Everything is such a mess and I don't know what to do."

She moved to my side to embrace me. "I'm sorry, babe. But you know how you can fix this, right? There's only one thing left for you to do." I already knew what she was going to say. The truth is that I was considering it too. But I suppose I just wanted someone else to support me because all of a sudden, I was doing everything wrong in my relationship. Fuck! How did everything get so messed up?

Lexi continued: "You have to tell Chrissy the truth. It's going to be hard for him; however, if you don't do it then this thing will hang over your head forever."

"I know. But what if he doesn't forgive me? What if he doesn't want me anymore?"

"That's a chance you'll have to take. Otherwise you're no better that Linc, or Henry, or whatever his name is...otherwise you're no better than a liar and a cheater."

That protective instinct I felt whenever someone else said something bad about Linc came over me. I worked so hard to supress it, especially around Lexi because she already hated him so much. And I didn't want her thinking I was stupid enough to still have feelings for someone who upended my life once already. Just as I'd predicted she would, she warned me to stay away from him. "He's really bad for you, babe," she said.

"I know. He broke me once already. I won't let him do it again."

***

Of the many things my mother and Roselyn absolutely insisted on, fitting my mother's old wedding dress to see if it would fit me was at the top of the list. Everyone agreed that it had to be done while Chrissy was still at work.

The sucky part was that they also insisted on having a male opinion; though I suspected that both of them were just trying to find an excuse to invite Linc. I understood why Roselyn was doing it, because she wanted to spend as much time with him as possible before he disappeared again; but my mother...gosh, she made up endless excuses to like him.

If she wasn't praising his work with refugees she was asking me whether I knew that he once worked with rape victims, or he sorted his trash and recycled it, or how he was the black sheep of his family—which was a good thing because in her words: "The world needed more responsible rich people like him." To counter Linc's presence, I asked Lexi to join, then I had to make her promise that she wouldn't be blatantly rude to him because that would blow my cover. It really was like cheating; I was even getting my friends to cover for me.

Anyway, Roselyn and my mom arranged the whole thing kind of like an episode of 'Say Yes to the Dress', but with just the one dress, and with my mother in the bedroom with me fussing about the earrings, and the make-up that suited my skin tone, and my hair, and other things I personally didn't think were important at that point.

And finally, with everyone hoping and praying that the dress would be good enough because as Roselyn was also fond of reminding me, I'd left everything too late. Yet since I insisted that I didn't want a lot of money getting spent, she had to concede her offer of hiring a ridiculously expensive designer for me. Presently, Roselyn, Linc and Lexi were in the living area sipping on cocktails and nibbling on a Thai snack that Roselyn made. My mother was helping me get ready in the bedroom. "We're supposed to just be fitting the dress, mom," I complained.

"We're supposed to see what the full picture will be like. We have to know now if the make-up and accessories work or not. There's still a lot to be done, you know."

"It's a waste of time, if you ask me. I already love the dress." I wasn't lying about that. It played well into my personality and the provisional theme Lexi (who joked that everything at my wedding would be crappy but at least I'd look good in the chaos) and I discussed.

Whenever we watched movies about the seventies and hippies from that era, some of the brides wore these loose dresses that could almost be mistaken for Roman togas—that's what my mom's dress looked like (with the addition of intricate golden patterns at the edges). She was very proud to inform me that on her wedding day she wore it complete with a wreath of flowers on her head and fake-gold sandals at her feet. I wasn't going to go that far with my accessories.

"Yes, yes, but this is the way it's done, darling," said my mother. "Please don't take this away from me. You're the only daughter I have—the only child. I didn't even realise how much I would enjoy this until it happened." My mother liked to do that: she could guilt me into anything by simply mourning how I was the only child she'd ever had and she'd only get to experience certain moments just once.

In the end I complied as she applied the make-up and tried to sneak a flower into my hair. That's when I put my foot down; there was no way I was going to look exactly like her on my wedding day. I loved her and everything, but I wasn't going to take the novelty that far. I wanted a few unique things. It sounds small, but it was important to me and luckily my mom understood.

I was sticking with the theme of soft golden shoes. They were high, Louboutin-like, and they looked like the sort of elegant thing Roselyn would wear. My hairdo was still a trial situation of straightening it, waving it up, and styling it the way Grace Kelly used to do hers.

"There," announced my mother, clipping Roselyn's earrings onto my ears and standing back to admire her handiwork. "You're ready now. Wait, wait, let me go back in there so you can make your grand entrance."

Suddenly feeling very conscious about the whole thing, I somewhat fumbled into the living area. I can't even begin to describe how nervous I was. The worst part was that everyone just kind of stared at me without saying anything. From that, I knew I looked either really silly or somewhat passable as a respectable bride. I didn't want to face them so I just stared over their heads and into the distance. "Now that the circus is over I'll go and change," I said, turning around.

"You're breath-taking," said someone—the only male voice in the room. I turned back around to find that my mother was weeping, actually fully weeping. Roselyn was clutching her hands to her chest and Lexi was just sitting there smiling. But the one reaction that got me, and I hated that he made me feel like that, was Linc.

He was standing behind the couch (which we'd turned around especially for that day and occasion), with the women sitting in front of him. He looked frozen in place. It was as if try as he could, he just couldn't take his eyes off me. I knew exactly how he felt because I felt the same way. You know how people talk about butterflies in their stomachs when they see their crushes, well, that's how I felt.

The world slowly slipped away into my periphery and the only thing I could see or hear or think about was Linc, just standing there and looking at me like I was the only thing that existed in his world too. I was aware that the women had gotten up from their seats and they were going around me making comments about where the dress needed to be tightened, or loosened, or modified in another way...I didn't care.

Every sound and sight was inconsequential. I smiled a little bit at him but he didn't smile back. Feeling rejected, I briefly looked down yet felt his eyes surveying me from bottom to top and when he reached my downcast face, I couldn't help but look back up and our eyes locked again. He finally returned my smile, it was sad and small and it broke my heart. So I started crying and the spell holding us together was broken.

"Oh darling," said Roselyn, "we won't cut it if you don't what that." I didn't even know what she was talking about because right then I didn't know what was happening with me. "Don't you think she makes an angelic bride, Henry?" she added, turning to him.

"She's beautiful," he agreed, stiffly, running his hands through his hair. "My brother is a very lucky man." He tried to smile again but I guess he just couldn't do it anymore. He vigorously shook his head. "You know, I completely forgot but I've just remembered that I needed to meet with a friend. If I leave now I can still make it."

"Oh, well, don't forget to join us for dinner."

"I won't." With that he dashed out of the apartment and left me aching for...for what exactly?

CHAPTER 4.4: HENRY

I needed to clear my head. Maybe everything would make sense afterwards. That wasn't going to happen though because soon after I got back at the hotel I heard someone knocking on my door. When I opened it I got a big surprise. Ishtar was standing there looking around like she suspected she was being followed. "Hi," she said.

"Hi."

"Are you going to invite me in?" she asked, after a long moment of us just staring at each other like fools.

I moved to let her in, and I closed the door. "What are you doing here?"

"I think we should tell Chrissy about what happened between us. I've thought about it and I don't want to start my marriage with this...this...this lie weighing me down."

I moved away from the door and closer to her. "That's why you came all the way here?"

I was getting closer and unlike at other times, she didn't make a move to get away from me, until at last we were standing face to face, with only a little bit of space between us. "Why else would I be here?"

I bent down to touch her forehead with mine, dropped my voice to a whisper and when I spoke, my mouth moved softly against hers. I didn't touch her just then, enough heat was emanating from her body to mine as it was. "Let's go away from here," I said. "We'll go anywhere in the world you want. Just say it and we'll be there."

When she spoke it was also in a whisper. She closed her eyes as if trying to set her mind straight. "We can't do that and you know it."

"All I know is that you want me as much as I want you. Please don't deny it."

"I love Chrissy—"

"Then what was that at your apartment, what happened there? I know you felt it too...don't lie to me, I know you did." I gently linked my hands through hers and stepped closer to her. "Imagine it: making love from sunrise to sundown, my tongue sliding down your body, licking every part of you." I unlinked my right hand and started tracing it along her inner thigh, up and up until I stopped between her legs. She was already wet, her juices soaking the thin lace of her panties and seeping onto my fingers.

I demonstrated my promises by nibbling her ear. A moan escaped her mouth and I felt her pussy press closer to my fingers. "After I'm done with my tongue I'd finally enter you. You'd be begging for me to do it by then. Imagine me thrusting in and out of you, capturing every moan that escaped your mouth with a kiss. I remember that sometimes when we fucked, when you were close to cumming, you made me promise I'd never stop fucking you. I'll finally keep my promise. I'll fuck you until you beg me to stop. Then I'll retrace my tongue all over your body. I'd love every part of you, worship you. And you'd beg me to fuck you again, which I would do very gladly. I belong between your legs."

I slid her panties to the side and gently massaged her pussy. Then I moved those fingers to my mouth and tasted her juices. She moaned in protest so I obliged her by returning them to her pussy. I'd missed that so much.

"Be honest with yourself, you don't want me to stop right now. You want me to slide your underwear all the way down, you want me get on my knees and do what I do best between your legs—to eat your pussy until you quiver in the greatest ecstasy you've ever felt." I dropped my voice even lower. "I've been dreaming about it for years. My body has been aching for you. Just say the word, Ishtar. Say the word," I swallowed, "please."