Blaire and Foster - A New Direction Pt. 04

When I laid down on the soft, cool sheets of the queen-sized bed, I could see the moon reflecting on the water outside my window, it shimmered and sparkled and little star-like shapes reflected onto the ceiling of my room. My happy heart was reminded of the night that Blaire and I had watched the moon on the water for hours. We had barely said anything that night, but I had felt so at ease and peaceful with her by my side. I wondered if I would ever find anyone that made me feel so happy, so complete, so myself again. Thinking about her reminded me of the message I had typed but hadn't sent. I could feel myself letting go of all the plans I had made for us in the future, but some of nagging questions still bothered me. I didn't want another failed relationship, if I could even open myself again to trust another woman. I felt like her answers could help me to make sense of myself. I took my phone from the bedside table, copied the message from my notes and pasted it into a text. I looked for a long time at the send button. What about if this made her feel bad, I really didn't want that, but I also felt like I deserved a little effort from her. I deserved a bit more clarity than she had given. I guess if she was hurt, she would just block me from any form of communication and that would send the final message about how she really felt. * Send *, whoosh, the sound of the message leaving my phone gave me a pang of anxiety but what was done, was done. I told myself it was better to live boldly and to live with no regrets, so here I was.

The next morning, I woke and immediately checked my phone. There was a notification and my heart skipped a beat. When I clicked on my messages, it was just a text from my mom wishing me a 'Happy New Year's Eve' and hoping I was having fun with Jan. I replied as I knew she was actually checking to see if we had been kidnapped or driven off the road. I put my phone back on the table, changed into my yellow bathing suit with cut outs on either side that Blaire had helped me pick out one day before our trip to Haiti. She had come in the dressing room with me, and I watched in the mirror as she checked me out. She touched my sides through the holes while commenting on how nice it looked with my dark skin tone. The feeling of her touch on my skin, made me feel a wave of warmth over my body. I closed my eyes and pictured her face as I kissed her good morning when she slept over. I knew I needed to move on but I loved her, I wanted her and she still turned me on, even if she was only existed in my memory.

I peeked into the main room and Jan's room door was still closed. She had always been a late sleeper, so I pulled the bathing suit off and jumped under the covers of my bed. I hugged one of the pillows and gyrated my hips against it as if it were her warm body, I leaned my head back and pictured her soft, voluptuous breasts and the feeling of her nipples on my tongue. I put one fingertip in my mouth and the feeling was as close as I could get in the moment to her hardened nips. I sucked it gently and used the other hand to caress my body the way she did when we were snuggling after a few orgasms. I lowered one hand to my clit and pressed lightly, ran it across the hood and then in slow circular motions, around and around, pausing briefly to press on the button until my back would arch and I needed to move it.

It was warm and wet but my vulva was so different than the feel of hers. She had larger, fleshier outer lips and they surrounded my finger like warm pillows when I touched her, my lips were smaller and less pronounced. I longed to feel hers again. I broke my second hand from my breast down to my opening, as the other hand continued to stimulate my clit, this one slowly worked it's way around the vaginal opening, stretching it gently and tickling the inner pelvic wall to increase the moisture before I took out my dildo and went a little deeper. My breathing deepened as well and I could feel myself trying to match my breath to the 'in and out' motion I was doing. It had worked so beautifully in the lotus position to deepen my orgasm, so I wondered if it would have the same effect when I was flying solo. I lifted my legs to get a better angle and with more than enough natural lubricant in place, I slid one end of the dildo in and out of me, making sure to hit my g-spot with adequate friction to bring me closer to orgasm. I couldn't help but say Blaire's name during some of my most intense exhales. Just the thought of her still made me feel so exhilarated.

I spun my head around aiming it towards the foot of the bed, then scooted my butt closer to the head board, I planted my feet onto the wall for added resistance and lifted my butt in the air a little bit as I continued the penetrate and stimulate myself. I was so close to an orgasm, but something was holding me back. I kept holding my breath and concentrating, but I couldn't quite release... frustrated, I paused to catch my breath, I looked over at my phone and quickly swiped to my photo album. I had one photo of Blaire, in a loose-fitting camisole sleeping next to me from when we were at the beach resort. I zoomed into her face and could feel myself swell with desire. I stared at her picture as I finished myself off, squirting a tiny bit of liquid onto my pillow as the waves of contractions kept rushing through my body. I turned on my side, still staring at her picture, my legs and tired arms sliding back under the cover for a small rest before I jumped in shower for a quick clean up.

The release was so intense that I dozed off for a half an hour, before I heard a small knock on my bedroom door.

"Are you alive in there?" asked Jan, who was surprised that I was not up before her. She poked her head in the door and said she was going to head to the buffet and then lay by the pool if I had wanted to join. I agreed to join her in a few minutes, and as she closed the door I quickly popped into the bathroom, rinsing off the sweet, slippery mess between my legs. I threw on my bathing suit and cover up and went to the patio for a plate of fresh fruit and bacon.

Blaire

After retiring to our room around 10 pm, we had sex and without too much talking during our snuggle time afterwards, Andrew again fell asleep. I was pretty tired and still not feeling 100% so I rolled over and called it a night. Shortly before midnight, I woke up to pee and laid in bed scrolling through pictures on my phone. I felt nostalgic about my first time on a beach with Bella. Why was I torturing myself with thoughts of her, when I was lying next to such a hunky guy, who also loved me? I kept thinking I should message her and see how her holiday was going, but then again, if she asked me about mine, I would be obliged to talk about Andrew and that was just going to cause her unnecessary pain. I didn't want to hold anything back from her like I had before. I knew that if we had any hope of at least being friends again, I needed to start sharing more transparently with her. Even if I wasn't sure how she would take it. She was a grown up though, so I had to trust that her reactions were on her, all I could do was be honest.

I needed sleep, tomorrow was New Year's Eve and I knew we had planned to join the big party up the beach at a neighbouring resort or club so we'd probably be out very late. I dozed off a little after midnight and slept soundly until Andrew tapped me on the shoulder around noon. Yikes, I wasn't usually a late sleeper, Andrew was by the bed, fully dressed with a flowing Bermuda shirt and snug bathing shorts that accentuated the shape of all 7 inches of his penis. In his hand was a tray with fresh orange juice, fresh mango, banana and pineapple, toast, eggs and ham. There was a large latte and one chocolate covered strawberry, which he said we could save for dessert.

"Breakfast in bed for m' lady," he said with British courtier's accent and a slight bow of the head. It was corny, but also endearing. I pulled him in for a morning kiss and then dove into the food. I had barely eaten the day before and was famished. He said he was going to grab us some snorkelling gear and to get ready by the time he was back. He was a real sweetheart, and I really should consider myself lucky to have met him.

I leaned back on the headboard as I finished my coffee and looked out the window at the swaying palm trees. I got a little lost at the beautiful peace of that moment, things were slowly come together for me. Maybe I wasn't totally happy, but I thought with time, this could be a good life.

I looked over at my phone, there was a small green flashing light on top. A message, wow, that's random, I mean I guess it was maybe my parent's checking in to see if we had arrived safely. My mom had barely travelled since her and my dad binge watched the TV show LOST about a plane crash a few years ago, so she was likely thinking the worst for us. I unlocked the phone, opened my messages and my jaw dropped. Bella had finally reached out, I clicked on her message and sat upright in my bed, tucking my feet under me, eager to see what she had to say, hoping she was okay, and willing to try to be friends. I nervously started to read. There were questions, and I could tell that her overthinking was getting the better of her. It pained my heart to think of how much she must've been struggling, all because of me. I felt a few tears well up in my eyes as I read on. I didn't know if I could answer her questions, I really had just acted impulsively after talking to Naomi, I hadn't even stopped since then to sit with myself and sort my own thoughts and feelings out. The semester had been so busy, and I preferred to just enjoy the moments instead of spending much time reflecting and understanding why I was doing what I was doing.

I knew understanding things was something really important to her, I had helped her early in our relationship as she was starting therapy and trying to understand herself and her attachment style. We had talked a lot about things like that, but I had never been someone who needs answers like her. Maybe that's why I had still not even tried to figure out why I didn't say something earlier. I felt like things happened as the universe laid out, but I knew she was much more a believer in our choices creating our destiny. We disagreed on that before, when we were talking about true love; I had said it was something we couldn't control, that the universe gave us an instant feeling when we were with our true love and she said she thought it was a choice we consciously made when we realize that enough things aligned with someone else and we chose to commit to making it work through thick and thin. Maybe we were both right, and it could work either way, but then again, I didn't know what the point of thinking about it was, since we can never truly know the answer. Some things in life are just a mystery.

I imagined her trying to logic her way over what had happened, and I had no idea what I could say to get her to stop wondering. Maybe some of her theories were on point, but I didn't think I had the inner strength to sit with them and face them. It was easier to tell her that it is what it is, and we both needed to put it behind us and find a way to move forward. As I read the final lines of her message, I wept, I missed her so much, I did love her in a different way than Andrew, but one that was still very real and meaningful. I still felt that maybe I wasn't totally straight, and I had enjoyed our intimate moments. I didn't know what to do, but I heard Andrew's distinct footsteps coming down the hall. I wiped my eyes and typed a short message and pressed send before leaping up and running to the washroom to get dressed.

I miss you. I miss us.

Bella

We lazed around the pool for a few hours as different couples passed by, some heading out to try surfing, others with snorkels in their hands, and yet others with a towel and book- likely planning a leisurely last day of the year. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk to Blaire, I missed that about having her in my life more than anything else. Sure we didn't seem to be on the same page at this moment, but I knew deep down that we could talk this out, we could talk anything out if we really tried. I could feel a sense of loss and sadness welling up inside me. I told Jan I wanted to take a nap and went back to our room. I curled up on my bed and tucked my knees into my chest, hugging them tightly. I could feel tears in my eyes, and sense of confusion re-enter my mind. How had we gone this long without speaking? I picked up my phone, and realized I actually had a message... swiping the phone opened, I loaded it.

I miss you. I miss us.

It was exactly the words I was feeling in that moment, the words I had been searching for in my mind just minutes before. That's what it was. I missed her. I missed how easy it was to just sit in each other's presence, how we could talk about absolutely anything, how we had goals and dreams that were unique and didn't involve each other, but that we also had things we looked forward to together. I couldn't just sit back and wait for her to make up her mind about Andrew. I knew that she knew how I felt, but in that moment, I felt like I just needed to say it again. Maybe she missed me in more ways than just as a friend, but if that is all she meant, at least I would know that I had put myself, my heart and my desire out there and if she didn't want what I was offering, I could know that I had tried.

I clicked on voice message and started recording. I could feel my voice wavering with emotion that I had been holding on to since she first said the name "Andrew" to me. I laid everything I was feeling and thinking onto the track and after 20 minutes of rambling, I let go of the record button, with an ache in my thumb, I pressed send. The final minute was the hardest part to record, but I felt like I had to put things out there and made sure she didn't miss the bottom line.

I miss you and I know now that I still want all of you, I want you to know that. I want to try this out, I want to see if we can be something real and lasting. I can't watch you run away before we have even tried to be more. You mean too much to me for me to give up on us without a fight. Andrew might be everything you think you want, but I beg you to try to open yourself up to what we could be. Give me a chance, give us a chance.

The ball was in her court, I hoped she'd hit it back to me and let us play the game of life together a little longer. As I leaned back on the pillow, I thought about what the coming weeks might bring, and decided I needed to stop myself before my imagination got away from me. I had promised Jan that we'd live in the moment and embrace the day during out beach getaway. I went to the mini bar, took out a small bottle of tequila and downed it. Grabbed my towel and decided I needed a good sweat at the sauna before we hit the club to ring in the New Year that night.

Blaire

Andrew and I had spent a few hours snorkelling and had seen lots of fish and a bit of coral. I didn't think I would enjoy it but there was something soothing about having my head submerged underwater and hearing nothing but the odd underwater echo and splashing of our flippers. I was kind of glad he had chosen this activity since I hadn't really felt much like talking and had been worried if we had sat around the pool or beach, then he may have noticed my feelings of melancholy. We ate a quick bite at the buffet and showered the salty residue off before heading to the pool bar for tanning and drinks. I got a taste for the rum punch and had three refills before realizing I had a nice buzz on the go.

The sun started bothering me so I told Andrew I was going to grab a cold shower, hit the sauna to steam out some of the toxins I had just consumed, then I'd meet him for dinner before we hit up the New Year's Bash at the club up the beach. After the cold water hit me, the world started to spin, and I decided to lay down for a few minutes knowing the sauna would likely make the feeling worse. I laid down and instinctively picked up my phone to set an alarm to make sure I didn't sleep too long and not leave myself enough time to get cleaned up and ready for the evening.

When I saw the green light flashing, my heart skipped a beat. I hoped that it was a message from Bella and that she wasn't mad at me anymore. I held the phone to my chest for a minute. Could I handle it if it was in fact the opposite? What about if she messaged to tell me she was hurt and needed space? What about if she was still upset and lashed out, could I take it if she wasn't going to forgive me? What about if it was a message saying she didn't want me to message her ever again or even worse- what about if it was notification that she had deleted me off of all the social media accounts we shared? I stopped and thought, "Chill the fuck out Blaire, you're getting ahead of yourself, we had a connection, she wouldn't just do that!" Would she?

I hesitated longer than I wanted to, then finally opened my messages. A voice memo, her preferred method of chatting, I liked it too because I found that often I could get her meaning better when I could hear her tone or when she paused or even how long she waited to think through her next words. They all spoke so much more than just type-written words. I closed my eyes and listened. Then re-listened twice, repeating certain sections to make sure there was no misunderstanding. Tears welled up in my eyes, I knew I hadn't given us a chance. I don't know why I was in such a rush with Andrew, but the one thing I knew was that I didn't want things with Bella to end yet.

I wanted to talk to her and the thought that we had still 5 days before we were both back at the residence seemed too long. I worried a bit about what I would tell Andrew if he walked in at that moment, but I couldn't wait. I pressed record and tried to make the message clear but also short and sweet. I had maybe jumped the gun with Andrew, I didn't want to lose Bella yet and wanted to see if maybe there was something that could grow between us, even if I hadn't felt a spark like the one I had had with Johnny, Dr. Foster and now Andrew. I told her that I really wish we could've spent New Year's in Vegas like we had planned, and that I was very anxious to get back to school so we could sit down and talk this out. I didn't want to leave things in silence and unresolved. It felt good to communicate and I wondered why I had waited this long to message her.

Five days. I could make it five days. But in the meantime, I needed to tell Andrew what was going on. He was a nice guy, and I should've been upfront about Bella with him much earlier. I had to be honest, I liked him a lot, but it wasn't fair to him or Bella to not explore that first. I didn't know the future and if he was okay to maybe try again later, I wanted to keep that option opened.

At supper, I laid it all out. I told him everything. I told him that I had no idea whether her and I would be anything more than friends but I owed it to her and myself to give it a chance first. He understood and appreciated my transparency. He said that he wouldn't want to be with me if I hadn't closed the door fully on her and I because then it would always be a nagging question I would have to hold onto. That was a good point. He really was an incredible guy. I told him that I didn't expect for him to wait for me, but I promised that I would let him know if things ever changed. As we sat there talking, the knots in my stomach untwisted and I felt, for the first time in months, a sense of relief.

We decided that we might as well make the most of our holiday and went back to the room to don our fancy clothes and hit up the New Year's party anyway.

Bella