All Comments on 'Blue Topaz Eyes'

patillie   - Thanks for the compliment.  Overall the feedback here has been incredibly  kind.  I'll do what I can to deserve it in the future. 

As to DreamCloud,  i wish. I'm happy to even be allowed on the same site with him, he's far better than I.  I do have a frustrated italian princess sitting glumly on the sidelines who would like to have a word with him.  Wrote her about six months before he posted The Marriage - his was a better storyline and far better written than mine, but with a lot of the same themes and problems.  I still want to salvage her so she's partially rewritten.  Her hair is already changed from red to blonde, and I'm not sure how happy she is about that...

i dont understad how mn can take it in strife being robed of there children the woman stole his child becouze she whanted a career not to protect his me persenoly would never have forgiven her for robbing the 5 first years of my childs live

The first part of the story is pretty standard fair, a 3 or 4 at best, but the introduction of the child is written spectacularly, very evocatively, and is 5* writing. Dont know who you are or where you came from, your bio is a bit tongue in cheek, but man is that last part of the story good!

What a splashy first story, in probably the most contentious section of Lit! Well done and looking forward to getting to know all those people in your head.

PS-do you write as Dreamclooud as well?

One editing mistake--which day was Evelyn's? You start out Sunday, then it changes to every Saturday, then back to Sunday. Since Ellie spent a few hours of Saturday with her mother, I would assume Sunday was the day you meant. I look forward to your next story. Thanks.

A great story, thank you. When our protagonist is called to the hospital there are three or four paragraphs where I have a hard time following who we're talking to or about. A few lines went into describing Ellie before I figured out it wasn't Ella we were talking about. Likewise her girlfriends, wasn't sure how they appeared.

him out of five years with his daughter and that puts it in the loving wife category.

It was stated that after she had Ellie she only was a regular agent without any undercover work.So all bases covered. Really a great read! Thanks,

I would describe your writing style as less is more . . . and as just right for my taste. I look forward to reading more from you. Thank you so much for sharing your talent.

Terse writing, but for people fighting "the other war" it fits to a "T." There are talkers, talkers-and-doers, and doers. The pure "doers" are usually to-the-point.

While there's nothing wrong with exciting, explicit details, not everything needs a novel. Some writers -- like you -- get their points across very well with fewer words. And when you couple it with "no nonsense" characters as in this story, it all works great.

Hoping you have more stories to tell, in this genre (could have been Romance, but LW worked) or another.

Than a Loving Wives story.

But a good read none the less.

Thanks for the fun read and please keep writing.

It was well paced and your story telling made me love the characters. You didn't get bogged down in details. And it grabbed me with the opening.

Nice start. Good rationale!

Thanks!

5*

I admit the vast majority of LW stories involve wives loving other people than their husbands, but the occasional "true loving wife" tale does make it in here, and you have just added another excellent story to that count.

I really liked the twist at the start, and the decision to NOT cover the subsequent undercover job in detail was unexpected but added versimillitude ... most actual 'operators' I have met don't want to boast about their work in specifics, especially when everything goes right. They (and I) are far more likely to talk about when things went horribly and/or comically wrong.

I didn't like the " conspiracy of silence" that she had a child and kept it from him, but that was me reading it as her being the ambitious one even though later she acted as if he was the one chasing the brass ring. Probably was flying through the story too fast and missed the flags.

Thanks for sharing this with us, and I look forward to your future stories. Aloha!

BeerMaker, who can't remember his logon info right now

Reader, not a writer yet

of NCIS where Tony Dinozzo learns he's the father of a young daughter. The mother is ex-Mossad and ex-NCIS agent Ziva David. The parallels are that both parents were government operatives, they worked different cases which could result in extreme violence, and they were deeply in love with each other. I liked that episode and I liked this story as well. We have Emma with daughter Ellie and the unsuspecting dad Sergeant (I didn't see a name for him). This author has a good writing style. It isn't perfect, but its far better than many. I encourage Todd172 to continue writing.

Thanks for feedback.  I really appreciate it because it's the only way I'll  learn.  I stretched a bit, putting this story the LW catagory, but it a was deliberate.  The feedback  here is harsher than other catagories, and I decided to jump into the deep end of the pool for the first story.  Best to face sticker shock head on.  The feedback is important:  if you don't like Emma for what she's  done, that's fine.  She loves you anyway.  But if you don't understand why she did it, I failed you.  And that's not fine.

I've gotten a number of queries in private about the style.  It's the result of reading way too many 4 page pulp stories from the 30s and 40s.  To me, I hear it in my head in Bogart's voice.  The line breaks are sips of bourbon. I won't always write in this style, it's intensely scene based and story arcs can be lost easily.  But it's my favorite style because of the impact.

I will post other stories - I have several written; been doing the "find an editor" dance.  A second set of eyes is important. But failing that, I will damn the torpedoes and put them up. I wasn't planning on a sequel to this one, but Emma is scratching at the back of my skull now, wanting to tell her side. So I'll be framing up Blue Glacier Eyes in the near future.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Outstanding plot and wonderful characters. A great story with my Saturday Morning Coffee. Many thanks from a new fan

....surprising twist. I don't see the cheating to make it loving wives though

Thank you. Reeled me in and kept me there. Keep up the good work. SF VET

I was going to write WOW but someone beat me to it. An excellent story. Bit sneaky at the start when you tried to mislead us. I personally wouldn't do that. Heehee.

Who gives a rats what category it is in. My reading of LE is that stories score better in categories other than LW, but get less readers. I would also echo what someone else said. You will get way less cowardly comments by turning off anon input.

Very well done.

I liked the idea behind the story and think it was well written and truly understand how difficult it can be to get a story published here on this site and category. That said...Call me dense (lots of people do) but I had trouble following the story in that it made leaps that I didn't understand what was going on or who was who. All in all I liked it very much but did often have trouble stringing things together. Congrqats at getting your first story published. Write on!

Had me interested all the way and really liked your style especially the combat scene in the beginning.

Emma is not sympathetic, however, due to depriving the father of his daughter.

The emotional fallout from that should have been heavier.

Really enjoyed the short trip and stylish writing.

I agree with most of the other comments. Organization, structure, and clarity need to improve. The rapid changes, though they show style, are hard to follow and distracting.

Overall, I liked your imagination. It was interesting and made me want to read ( and re-read to figure out what was happening). For a first effort it was very good! Please continue! I look forward to reading more!

The writing was jumbled.

And a broken heart.

That's a paragraph? It isn't even a sentence. Good storytelling. Need to work on that writing.

How could she keep that to herself and how did she keep going in field after having child?

It wasn't HER career that she was worried about. You're right, once she had a child having a husband wouldn't have much, if any, more impact on her career.

She was worried about the impact on HIS career, but as I said in my comment, she should have told him and let him decide if he wanted to sacrifice his career for his family or not.

Really great story. I loved the whole thing. I think though it belonged in the romance section vs loving wives.

Wow, excellent. Thank you. Not sure why it is in the category it is, but I am thrilled it is (since I found it).

Keep writing! Please let us know if you publish something.

Thank you!

And it's your first story? Wow!

I think we need more stories from you, please!

I liked this story a lot and wished it was longer but its should of been in a different category. I would give it more than 5 stars if I could and look forward to reading more of your stories.

AnonWes

I enjoyed it. I do have to agree that her single-minded focus on her career wouldn't leave anymore room for a child than it would a husband, so that part was something of a necessary plot hole, but a large one. I hope you keep at it. Thanks for the read.

Cog

I hate it when authors take 7 pages to tell a 3 page story. Here we have a case of taking 2 pages to tell a 3 page story. It was lean and to the point. I really liked it but could have tolerated a few more paragraphs telling of how they fell in love on their initial assignment together. I do have questions about what she was doing during and after her pregnancy and why she didn't give him the option of being together. People do make mistakes and this was one, but somehow she lucked out and "they lived happily ever after". 5*

A tremendous love story as only can be told in this day and age we live in. I gotta say, it's a hell of a way to meet your future love. Five Stars

I love the lack of superfluous detail that allows your writing to cut right to the core nature of your characters. I enjoy a well painted scene, but your style is a breath(less) of fresh air. Thank you ***** I hope you chose to share more of your gift on literotica.

but difinitely the wrong category. The two factions of the LW anonidiot crowd will keep the rating down, because there is no bitch to burn and no one dives headfirst into an alduterous creampie.

Well 5*! Keep up the good writing

I took the Saturday/Sunday to mean she called on Saturday to visit on Sunday. It's worded a bit odd though.

Enjoyed the story but would have liked some fleshing out of the action parts and the erotic parts but the story is very good as is. Thanks

"The very next Sunday, she came by, after calling. And every Saturday after." - Earlier he said she was welcome to visit on Sundays, and later "she showed up every Sunday". So obviously "every Saturday" is a typo?

I can SOMEWHAT understand the initial break-up, though not so much if she knew about the pregnancy, but definitely as soon as she knew about the pregnancy she should have told him and let him decide about his career.

One of the better stories I've read in a while. While a little confusing at first, I got deeply into it, and by the end, loved every word. Without a doubt, worth 5 stars

Perfect category

It was a really amazing read. And you're brilliant.

It was a GOOD LW story, just not an Official Wife

Thank You, EXCELLENT 1st Effort

Hanz

Excellent read. Accomplished more in two pages then many ten page stories I've read.

I really enjoyed this Todd172 , really great initial offering. I hope you grace us with more posts in the future.

This story drew me in from the first paragraph until the last sentence. It was very entertaining and delightful. I had to keep reading. Like all good stories, I didn't want it to end. Hope to read more of your stories. I think this is more of a 'romance' than a 'loving wife'.

Thank you for the story and keep it up.

You could have told this story with eighteen pages, yet you managed to pack SO much action and detail within only two pages. Although this is your first submission to this site, I suspect that you've written before.

I thank you for your contribution, and hope that there is more to come.

A wonderful story for your first effort. Please, keep writing and submitting. You have a true gift....

I liked it! 5*

For a first story ,you hit a grand slam. Welcome to lit and a good ending to two agents going on with there careers leaving love aside but finding each other through tragedy. A happy ending . A mother returns to accept her.

I

Told...good story. Thanks for sharing.

From some of the other contributions that make their way to this category...

It read a little like a detective story with short and direct descriptions but it was compelling to read in order to get behind the subtleties of the veiled storyline. Not sure if she was so focused on her job why she ended up completing the pregnancy. To save his job? Doesn't make sense. They split because of her commitment, not his.

BYW: do yourself a favor and turn off anondiot commenting, they will post shit just because they can. Not everyone will like your story but few with user names post inane crap.

Great story, loved it. What's wrong with a happy ending? Haters gonna hate but can they write a better story?

But what a great story !!!!

Please post this kind of story in NON EROTIC.

Loved the story was sweet

...thank u for wasting my time!!