Bob

"Suck it up, man!" He spoke fiercely inside of is own brain. "We will make it through this! Deny everything! They can't prove a thing."

As he thought it he noticed two teenage boys in athletic club uniforms hustling to the recently abandoned jacuzzi with some yellow caution tape. They set up a few cones that were stashed by the spa machinery and tied some of the tape between chaise lounges to cordon off the area. They turned off the jets and bubbles and then got some cleaning equipment. One of them had a small vial that looked like it was intended to carry a sample of the white goo. They then argued a little.

"I'm not getting the sample!" One of them said. "Fuck that!"

"I'm not either, bro! Not for nine bucks an hour. Did you see that curly headed freak that did it? I wouldn't touch that shit with a ten foot pole!" The other cackled.

The boys then rochambeau'd for it. The one who was lanky, with acne and braces, lost. Bob watched as the boy's shoulders slumped in resignation. He reached into the pool with a blue, latex glove and scooped a clump of the terrible substance and slid it into the vial.

"That wasn't as bad as I expected." He said with a goofy grin on his face.

Bob was nervous that they had retrieved a sample.

"What will be will be." He sighed. "Until the judgment is in I will continue to deny everything. Maybe even after the judgment, unless it's in my favor."

He smirked thinking of being exonerated. He continued into the building. As he opened the door he could hear Bob and Liz at the front desk. They had requested the manager who had just showed up.

"There he is, Carl! That's him. The goofy looking fucker in the board shorts!" New Bob blurted.

"Take it easy, Bob!" Carl replied. "Please don't cause a scene in here. We can all talk in the office. I'll get the suspect."

"Fuck that!" New Bob replied. "I ain't going nowhere near that furry lizard. Never again. I'm leaving. We have to sanitize Liz at home. She's going in a bleach bath. Looks like our Friday night is ruined!"

He turned to our Bob and shook his middle finger at him while baring his slightly crooked, sharp teeth. He then grabbed Liz and headed for the door. Liz had obviously been crying and was trying to cover herself.

"Excuse me, sir." Carl called across the room. "Will you please come here?"

Bob looked at him and winced.

"Me?" He responded still standing wet in the doorway.

"Yes, you!" Carl said. "I have a towel for you. Dry yourself off and please come into my office when you're done."

Carl chucked him a towel and looked at him disdainfully before turning to head into his office. Bob thought about just heading to his locker, grabbing his things and making a run for it but decided that it would be shortsighted. He didn't want to lose his membership, there was no refund, and he liked it here, despite Bob and Liz. Bob could be stubborn and this was one of those times.

"Fuck these people!" He muttered to himself. "I will win this fight. I'm not leaving this modern oasis! If I do it will be on my own terms! I'll face these people. I'll make it through. No one can prove that was my cum!"

Bob toweled off and ran his fingers through his tight curls. As he pulled his fingers out he noticed a little clump of his coagulated sperm residue sticking to his index finger. He turned and flicked the little thing off like it was a booger. It landed in a potted fern near the windows by the front desk.

"Classy!" Francesca mumbled from behind the counter. Bob hadn't realized she was looking.

"Oh, ya!" Bob wheezed. "It was just some lint."

Francesca rolled her eyes.

"I bet it was. I heard the conversation. Is it true?" She asked.

"Fuck no! It's not true!" Bob replied defiantly. "What kind of sicko do you think I am?"

Francesca shrugged her shoulders and tried to contain a small giggle that managed to squeak past her lips. She turned to face a new client and Bob used the break in the conversation to head towards the office. Once in front of the door he knocked.

"Come in." Carl said bluntly. "Please put your towel on the chair before sitting. It's usually better for you to towel off outside. I know you're new here, but please remember."

"Of course." Bob replied. "I normally would've but the trouble outside has me a bit off kilter and upset. I've been accused of something heinous with absolutely no evidence and in front of quite a few people. I really like it here and I'm afraid my reputation may be tarnished by this outlandish incident."

"Well, yes..." Carl began, "it is quite an accusation. No evidence, eh? What's that in your afro?"

"You mean my hair?" Bob spoke firmly. "Are you being derogatory Carl? Are you being racist? My afro??"

"No, no, no!!" Carl became nervous. "Of course not. I guess it just looks like an afro and there's some white stuff in it. What were you people doing out there? Do you realize I now have to completely empty that tub!? We're in a fucking drought, man! Water is expensive! I'm not sure who really did this ungodly deed but you, Bob and Liz were the last folks in it before all hell broke loose! It's Friday! Do you think that's how I want to spend my Friday night?? Cleaning some strangers cum, whoever's it is, out of a god damned jacuzzi??"

"I still think your comment was racist." Bob said with squinted eyes. "A racism charge wouldn't be good would it Carl?"

"Oh, man, you are a real piece of shit." Carl responded. "You really gonna' try to milk that one, huh, Bob!? Who else heard it? Who's got your back on this one? No fucking body! That's who. So shut your lousy mouth and listen for a minute. I don't know who came in that hot tub but we'll be checking the cameras and Winston out there braved the hot waters and got a sample of whoever's jizz that is! You hear me? I've run this club for thirteen years and our reputation is impeccable. No nappy headed uni-brow hot shot with a flimsy mustache is gonna' take that from me. Did you cum in the hot tub?"

Bob was taken aback by Carl's power move. He wasn't sure how to respond. He felt his testicles rise into his body as the words blew him down. He had to gather himself. A new, nicer approach was needed. He would continue to deny everything but he realized that being obnoxious and arrogant at this point probably wasn't his best way forward.

"Forgive me, Carl." He started. "This whole thing shook me up. One minute I was relaxing in the tub the next minute Liz was crying and the other Bob was looking at me like he was going to kill me. I'm new here. I like it here. It's Friday for me too, you know? I work hard. I was publicly shamed in front of people I don't even know for a crime I didn't commit. I'm telling you now to your face Carl, with all due respect, that I didn't cum in your hot tub. I'm a shy man really, despite my appearance. I just want to be accepted and loved like everyone else. Today's incident was unfortunate and believe me I cannot believe what happened. Hopefully your camera footage will be good and I'm glad you're sending a sample of that sick fluid to be tested. Who knows if it's even cum! If you ask me Liz really overreacted. And Bob! I could tell he didn't like me from the first moment. He seems like a real nit picker. The whole thing was too much. I'm worn out. If you need to say anything else to me please do and then I'd like to leave. I'm supposed to meet a friend. I need to unwind. I imagine you do too. I'm sorry for the drama. I don't know how I ended up being in the middle of it. It's pure happenstance. A crazy occurrence. I won't be a drama queen for you again, I promise. Is that okay?"

"I guess so, Bob." Carl responded in a somewhat deflated manner. "There's nothing else to do. Bob and Liz will be pissed that I haven't cut your nuts off and kicked you out. I have to admit they are nit-pickers. They're never satisfied so it's kind of fitting that this happened to them."

Carl couldn't help but chuckle as he said it. Bob cracked a little smile but tried to remain serious. Before long the both of them couldn't contain it and they melted into laughter. They both knew it was wrong but were helpless to stop it.

"Look at you!" Carl laughed as he pointed at Bob. "You have cum in your hair, you're sitting there in your wet shorts in this stupid little office like a tainted, retard school boy! The shit we do for money. What the fuck am I? An athletic club "manager?" What the fuck does that mean. This whole society is ludicrous!! We're idiots! I gotta' find a better way. This just isn't fucking me, man!"

Carl continued his uncontrollable laughing fit. Bob was losing it too.

"And me!" Bob interjected. "I'm just some idiot who pays two hundred bucks a month to come sit in a jacuzzi. I should be lifting weights, but even that is ludicrous, like a hamster on a wheel. I work as a teller at a credit union!! What the fuck is that? It's like we're all playing town. Who's fucking town is it? Who runs the game board? People steal money from my paycheck! I trade my life for credits to use on the rest of the game board. And now!! I come to relax and some asshole shot a load of jizz in the hot tub! It's all so ludicrous!"

Carl sobered up and then continued,

"Okay, Bob, we better get it together. I hope this shit blows over quickly. And you're right about the game board bologna. It's so stupid I don't even know what to say. I wish the Indians still ran this continent. At least that makes sense. Nature makes sense. We've gone too far. Go low profile for me in the coming weeks and days. I won't kick you out. I appreciate this little bonding experiment we're having but in public I'm gonna' have to be more "professional." Whatever the fuck that means. I guess it means I'll have to not be myself with you, which is gross and strange, but it's the status quo for now. I'm gonna' figure out my life. I can't do this fake shit anymore. It's too much. It's demeaning and dumb. There is no dignity in it. Behave yourself you son of a bitch. I kind of like you. It's hilarious that Bob and Liz were the recipients of this madness. It's ironic and perfect. Be good for me, Bob. I hope you have a nice weekend. Don't come back until after the weekend, okay? Just do me that favor. Let's let this blow over. There will be talk. Most of the fucking people who come here are vacuous holes, almost hard to call them human. There's some good ones but they'll feed on this shit like a fat kid sucking lollipops on halloween. Deal?"

"Yes, Carl..." Bob replied, "you have a deal. I appreciate it. I won't cause you anymore trouble. I'm sorry. I don't know how it happened. I'm going to have to figure out my life too. Our conversation just made me realize that I'm a shallow idiot, like I'm just swimming in the butt end of some toxic pool where my feet can reach the ground. I've had glimpses of deeper things but I usually run from them feeling like they threaten my sanity. What they really threaten is my insanity. I'm hooked on insanity. All of us are. It's crazy. Have a good weekend. I appreciate our talk and I enjoyed our laughter. I needed that. The whole thing stressed me out. I feel better. I'm going to change and leave. I hope your weekend goes well. I hope you don't have to do the tub."

"Fuck that!" Carl said. "Those two bit Beavis and Butthead teenagers will do it. They're here 'til closing tonight. They'll do anything for money. They're hooked on dope gummies. They just wander around stoned all the time looking at MILFs. A lady complained the other day cuz the one with the braces was walking around with an erection in his shorts. He didn't even realize it! They probably came in the tub. I'll check the cams. At this point it doesn't even matter who did it. I just want it to be over. Consider yourself safe unless some terrible evidence comes in that becomes public. I'm not a fucking high school principle! I'm a god damned sovereign being in an endless universe. I gotta' quit being small."

With that said Bob rose from the chair and shook Carl's hand. They chuckled as they shook. As Bob left the office he was still smirking. When he looked up he saw Francesca and she eyed him strangely.

"What was going on in there?" She queried.

"Oh, nothing." Bob replied. "Carl told a couple of jokes to lighten the mood. I'm glad it's over for now. Geez, what a day, eh? Doesn't get much weirder than that!"

"I think you did it." Francesca said coyly. "In fact I know you did it. Were you thinking of Claudette? Or were you thinking of me?"

"What the fuck!?" Bob sneered. "Are you serious? Why would you think that? Did I tell you about Claudette? You? You're cute but I'm not supposed to be thinking of younger girls like you! I did not do it! Remember that!"

"You did too!" She said. "But I don't care. I see you differently now. You're adventurous, quirky, a little strange. I like that. Don't worry! I won't tell anyone you did it. Maybe we should hang out sometime. I bet you'd like that. That sure was a lot of cum from one man!"

"Whoa!" Bob whispered. "Shhh.... Jesus, you're crazy! And kind of kinky! I guess I see you differently now too! Holy Jesus. I didn't do it! And, yeah, maybe we should hang out sometime. Maybe next week. I can't come back until Monday, just to let things cool down. I'll talk to you then. Sound good?"

"Yeah, that's cool!" Francesca spoke seductively. "Don't get too weird at the Slippery Lotus tonight! And your nose is sexy. I like strong noses. Drive safe, don't be an idiot!"

Bob nodded and went to the locker room. Luckily no one in the room looked at him funny. He showered quickly and dressed. He got his belongings and went out into the lobby and towards the exit. Francesca winked at him as she was checking in a new member. He winked back.

"I can't believe that chick!" He thought to himself. "She's wild. I would've never guessed. Just one wild comment from a girl can change your whole perspective on them. Holy shit! I might be in love."

When he got back to his car the first thing he saw was a big dog shit that had been thrown on his windshield.

"You gotta' be kidding me!" He sighed.

He figured the other Bob must've done it. It was pretty fresh and he caught a whiff of the scent from it which made him cough. He looked around and it seemed no one had noticed. He didn't want to deal with it but there was no choice, he had to. You can't just drive around with a big dog turd on your window. He opened the trunk of his car and grabbed a roll of paper towels that he kept in there. He scrolled off four or five of them and made a big, weird pocket shape with them. He moved quickly so as not to be noticed. He wondered how many folks had already seen the terrible sight. It didn't matter.

"Who gives a shit!" He thought to himself.

He placed the pocket of towels over the rather large pile and scooped it off. It was still warm. It didn't smear as bad as he thought it might. He caught another big whiff of the fecal mound and coughed again. It smelled terrible. He hated dog shit coughs. They were the worst. He wrapped the dung tightly in the paper and then used a clean edge to get the smear. He got most of it. He looked around to see where to put it. There were no trash cans in sight. There was a large rosemary bush growing nearby. He daintily walked to it, looked around and then, when he knew the coast was clear, chucked the thing under the bush.

"It's organic." He said in his mind. "It's like compost. I'm not littering and I drive an electric vehicle."

He then went back to his car and put his belongings in. He put the paper towels back and then got in himself. He then started his car. He loved how quiet it was. He then used the sprayers for the windshield and swished the rest of the dog shit smears off.

"That should do it!" He said gleefully. "I hope that's the end of my travails today! Fuck me standing! It's been so weird. It feels like three weeks have passed since I left work!"

He hadn't checked his phone in a while. There was a voice message from Charlie on it. He clicked it.

"Bro!" Charlie's usual beginning. "I just got to the Lotus. Where are you? It's hopping. It's karaoke night, there's a bunch of chicks I've never seen before. Ferd caught some croakers and he's pushing the Tiki Trawlers on them! He hates for those sacs to go to waste. You coming or what?"

Bob dialed Charlie.

"Yo!" Charlie answered.

"Hey, Charlie!" Bob said. "Sorry I'm late. You'll never believe what happened at the club. I'm on my way to the Lotus. Is Ferd's kitchen open? I'm hungry. I'll tell you all about it when I get there."

"Ya!" Charlie replied. "Kitchen's open. No worries on the late deal, I've been rapping with some of the girls here. I think this one likes me. Not like I can do anything about it but it feels good to get a little rain in the midst of a historic drought, if you know what I mean. I'm dying for affection. My wife is letting me slowly wither into nothing... Hustle up! I'm waiting on ya!"

"Cool. I'll be there in a minute. Sorry about your wife, bro." Bob said as he pushed the red button.

The drive was short but congested. Bob's mind was still rotating like vultures in a desert updraft. So much had happened so quickly that he wondered if he had stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. The ordeal with Bob and Liz, the possibility of getting booted from the club, his strangely deep conversation and warmth with Carl all the way to the finale with Francesca and her titillating remarks about manly noses and large volumes of semen.

"Did that really happen?" He wondered out loud. "Was she aroused by the hot tub incident? What the fuck?"

Charlie had been right, the Lotus was hopping and the parking lot was crowded. Bob noticed that the "us" on Ferd's neon sign out front wasn't working so that it just said "The Slippery Lot." Slippery indeed. Bob took the last parking space available by the dumpster in the back near the alley. He always worried about his car getting broken into, now he worried about animal feces too. At this point he didn't care. He just wanted a drink and the familiarity and acceptance of an old friend. He parked and got out. He wandered in through the back door. Ferdinand was cleaning croakers in the rear prep room. He looked proud and dignified as he cut the fish.

"I caught a bunch!" Ferdinand said exuberantly. "The bites really on, some corbina too! They taste the best. The sand crabs are going nuts and so are the fish. It was amazing. Hey! No Trawlers for you!! But those new girls are sucking them down. I told them it would make them irresistible to real men, hombres reales, no como tu!"

Bob chuckled and then replied.

"Don't worry, Ferd!! I learned my lesson and will never swallow another croaker sac in my life! They can have them all. And fuck you! I'm a real man... I think... What you cooking tonight?"

"I can cook you a corbina with some rice and beans, maybe a flour tortilla on the side and some salsa. How's that sound?" Ferdinand asked.

"Wow!" Bob replied. "That sounds amazing. I'll take a plate."

"It'll be about ten to fifteen minutes, hermano, maybe longer." He said. "And it's twenty bucks a plate. You good with that?"

"Ya." Bob sighed. "After today that sounds wonderful and the price seems right for your wild caught fish, Ferd. Thanks! I appreciate you. Sorry again about the barf night."

"Don't bring it up!" Ferd laughed. "It's in the past. Don't raise the dead!"

"I'll be sitting with Charlie at the bar." Bob interjected. "I think he saved me a seat. He said one of the chicks kind of digs him."

"Tal vez, amigo!" Ferdinand smiled. "Who knows. Women are tricky, moody, they can change like a sunny day into a hurricane. While it's nice you better enjoy it!!"

They both laughed as Bob turned to leave and go towards the bar. He spotted Charlie talking to a plump yet cute Latina girl.

"Bro!" Charlie howled. "Over here. This is Lupita! She's so nice, dude. I can't believe it. She's just really nice. I need a nice girl."