Bobbi Jo 01

Bobbi Jo 01

You might find it weird that I like to wear women's clothing and makeup on occasion, but if I pick up on that I might distract with another weird thing about me. Just over a year ago, I had purchased one of the re-releases of a then popular mid-size truck and I definitely bought the coolest one on the lot and then I parked it in my pole barn. I mean, I drive it on Saturday evenings and all, but the odometer just barely registers 4 digits on it. And I don't do that because the popular opinion is that I shouldn't drive anyways, although there may be some merit behind that, not that my everyday SUV should be used as a stake in the ground. Anyways, I got a little off track, but I really like the truck and the way it looks and I want to keep looking that way for a long time and quite frankly, I can afford it, so I parked it. I mean, my roomie, Hank, fiddles with it once in a while because he works at the auto parts store, but I cut him off with only cool things like the new meats he installed on it. I mean, it's not quite a mini monster truck or anything, but we'll see or you'll see on Saturday's between 8pm and 10pm. And never mind that I cruise alone, it's just that, well, no never mind all that right now because what's important right now is how I wasn't behind the wheel when Hank and I were in an accident recently.

And that story clearly starts out with me in the rear seat of Hank's SUV (because that's where he makes me, I mean that's where he likes me to ride), which clearly indicates that I wasn't behind the wheel. I was actually a hero of that story, kind of. I mean, Hank was the real hero when he didn't die when the car jacking bad guy slammed us basically head on and all, but I was the one who cried, I mean spoke into my phone to call for help, even though they were right there anyways because they were the ones who were chasing the car jacking bad guy anyways. Also, air bags work, but bracing yourself against the rear of the front seat doesn't work. But hey, were both at home now and resting comfortably and receiving regular visits from friends who were concerned about us (Hank), including his sister, Staci.

"Staci, we're fine now and Hank's actually hobbling around, so take your weekend trip. And I promise that his witch of an ex only came over that one day because his undies needed changing, but I gave Hank an extra pain pill so that he was out of and couldn't respond to her tricks of getting back together."

"Well Bobbi Jo, I would still have been happier if you did it, but what's done is done. Anyways, I don't know why you're still wearing your "Elle" band aid across the bridge of your nose when it's your wrists that are all busted up, but whatever. So, anyways, are you caving in or what???"

"Ugh, remind me what perfectly acceptable social protocols I'm violating again? As I sit here all busted up and stuff and don't skip over how each and every protocol applies, by the way."

"Sure, just open wide for my bestie Lilianna and take another pill. Anyways, you love that my brother is such a good roomie for you and that trickles down to you love me by default and that trickles sideways to how you support Lilianna and I rolling up to our weekend at the water cookie rocks park in your fancy little monster truck and that flows back up stream to how Donnie and Ronnie will have no choice but to cling to us because they are all about your fancy little monster truck and drips over the edge to Lilianna and I being treated like Princesses for the entire weekend and that overflows to Lilianna and I being awaken with kisses from our Prince's all weekend and out of respect for my brother in case he can hear me, I'll stop right there. I mean, do I have to draw a chart for you or something, Bobbi Jo?"

Well, anyone can draw a zig zag line on a piece of paper, but there is something geologically special about the water cookies stream. LOL, it trickles down the mountain towards the Middleton River and mother nature sure did a nice job with slanted flat rocks as the stream bank and all, but still, it's my fancy little truck, which is not a fancy little monster truck. It's just noticeable and all.

"Hank, can you hear me? What you do think? I mean, she's your Princess sister and all."

"La, la, ga, ga, goo, la."

"See Bobbi Jo, my brother says everything will be alright, just as long as I keep the power sliding sideways to a minimum and away from the flat rocks which cause your cute little truck to tip over, so???"

"Ga, ga, la, goo, goo, la, la, goo, woo, goo."

"And he's only not supporting how bad ass Lilianna and I will look because he's my brother and I'm only ignoring the last "goo" over Lilianna because of the pain pills, so?"

"Staci, I didn't hear any of that, especially the part about "power sliding sideways" and all, which there will be none of. However, I might cave in if you admit that you want to really "submit" and maybe if Lilianna makes me a coffee because my wrists are all busted up and stuff. And if you explain to me what the directional motion arrows mean at the end of you zig zag line chart indicate, you know, like this bold arrow with the highlighted "ugh" above it and all. I mean, is that "ugh" from the front or "ugh" from the back? I'm asking for a friend."

Listen, I had to be clear about the intention of Staci's zig zag lined chart. I mean, towards the end of the graph there were a few questionable zig zag lines that were highlight with "ugh, ugh, ugh" and implied motions and all, so I was just trying to clear things up.

"Hah! Fine, I have clearly defined all of the appropriate social protocols for the roommate's adorable sister, so fine, Bobbi Jo, I am asking you to submit and play by the rules. I'll also add a few things to my zig zag line chart if that helps you (at night) and I promise to never ask if Lilianna has ever made you a coffee before because SOB, it sure looks like she has."

"No, no, no, but I do follow a few blogs on Chang and hey, it does feel so natural, so are we winning now? I mean, I'm feel breezy and like I'm winning."

I mean, Staci paused to gaze, so it just felt like I should do the same thing, for a minute or three.

"Anyways Bobbi Jo, I've done everything correctly and Lilianna has exceeded doing everything very correctly and you're all woozy and stuff, so do we get a verbal approval (and your gas card)? And think of it this way, you can feed Hank, give him a pain pill and put him to bed early and have all those hours to yourself all Friday and Saturday and most of Sunday. I mean, I'm sure you can figure out something to do with all that, right Bobbi Jo?"

"Well, that's a nice thought and all, but I don't have anyone to fill all those hours of boo-hoo home alone and boo-hoo lonely while I'm all busted up."

"OMG, are you kidding me right now? Do you think that people don't notice how you always need help with something from upstairs when Kirk is around? I mean, next time at least have him carry down a box or something."

Oops.

"Fine, but I'm calling no power sliding sideways right now! And take the ink pen and better define this arrow and "ugh" if you don't mind. I mean, is that an "ugh" or an "UGH" or just a smudge?"

"LOL, just let Kirk take the lead, Bobbi Jo and everything else will fall into place, but I'm pretty sure that your T-Girl friends mostly go "ugh" from the back. So, key FOB (and gas card)?????? Lilianna, bring our Mr. Glassy Eyes a donut."

Will I regret all of this? Absolutely, but a weekend home half alone with a very woozy roomie might be alright, LOL, or the death of me.

And then Friday started out to be the death of me.

"(Kiss), don't tell my brother I did that."

"(Kiss), don't tell her brother I did that."

And away (flew) went my fancy little monster truck with one female arm extended out of each window, which wasn't all that bad and having Kirk pull in right behind them seemed like a step forward, but then his SUV turned into a clown car. It seemed like the guys just kept piling out of it. I mean, it was four in total, but much more than the one I was expecting.

"Well, what was I supposed to do, Bobbi Jo? They all figured out where I was going and you know, everyone wants to check in Hank and all. I mean, I was boxed in."

"Whatever Kirk, I'll just order a couple of pizzas while everyone visits with Hank."

Ah, just as well, I suppose. I mean, Staci's chart graph wasn't all that clear about things anyways.

"Alright, so that's one "too many showed up" special and five cheese fries, right?"

"Well, let's stick with the five cheese fries, but upgrade the pizza order to "Seriously, another one?" and a six pack of ice tea."

"Got it, your "Bobbi Jo" special will be on its way within 30 minutes and I'm giving you a 5% discount for the naming rights of yet another Middleton Trap failure. Bye."

Well, I suppose there is that and all, right?

"Well, with everyone paying attention to Hank and all Bobbi Jo, can't we at least slip upstairs to find something like we always do when I come over?"

"Kirk, don't you see these gray plastic braces on my wrists? All I can do is wiggle my fingers and all, so stop being an idiot and you know, go ogle over Hank with the rest of the guys."

"Oh, snap, well, maybe you can lean against the wall and wiggle your ass at me then? I mean, we should be at the point of ass wiggling by now, right Bobbi Jo?"

Stupid men who think they have all of the stupid answers.

"Hah, I already used my wrists to brace myself once and look where it got me. Just try to come back over tomorrow alone and we'll see where things go."

"Oh, well, um, I'm taking a day trip to cookie rocks tomorrow, so, hey, at least I can check up on your fancy little monster truck and all."

"Well back at you, we're not fucking with all these people in the house, not that I'm saying that you desperately want to fuck me. While I go "ugh" and stuff. With some motions like this that can be demonstrated with hand drawn arrows and stuff. Or am I assuming too much about you wanting to fuck me? Like the chart shows."

"No, that's right on point because I can't dump you until I fuck you hard at least three times. I mean, I'm assuming that you found the box of condoms I hid in the glove box of your fancy little monster truck that I wrapped in a piece of paper with my own pictorial that had double motion arrows going in a half circle this way, right? With highlighted "hm, hm, hm" on it? I mean, you inspected your fancy little monster truck before you let Staci and Lilianna just drive (fly) it away, right Bobbi Jo?"

Well, that explains the puppy doggie emoji texts that I received from Staci and from Lilianna, I guess. Which were followed with "it's all your fault now" and smiley face emojis texts.

And nope, nothing more happened after that. I mean, when Brie delivered the three pizzas, well, Brie was laughing the whole time and when I asked Kirk to help me move my dresser in my bedroom, well, they all chipped in to help because my wrists were all busted up and stuff, so nothing more happened that night. Except I had to explain why I wanted them t move the dresser back where it was because I had changed my mind. Which I think they bought.

End Bobbi Jo 01