Bobson Jars

The thing about aliens, is that they're alien.

Sometimes we don't understand their motivations.

Sometimes we can't understand their motivations.

Take the Bobson jars.

No one has ever given even the vaguest reason for their existence or even a reasonable use for one.

They aren't jars.

They aren't vases.

They are made of something like glass but totally unbreakable.

They don't have a flat bottom, so you can't stand them up except in a rack designed to hold them.

What possible use could they have?

Alien relics are all over the Galaxy.

People are constantly finding new troves.

They are the modern-day treasure hunters.

There is no guessing how many civilizations there have been, that have died out. Most leave cities, some reasonably intact.

Our antigravity plates came from a lone treasure hunter, and now the Russell family is unfathomably rich.

Bill Bobson was one such treasure hunter.

He found a warehouse full of funny glass jars.

The warehouse was well sealed and filled to the rafters with crates upon crates of oddly shaped glass. All different sizes but all the same basic shape. Some longer and some wider.

Upon accidently dropping one of the crates, he knew he had something. An awesome packing material. Or unbreakable glass. Either would be incredibly valuable.

He took out one of the glass vases and threw it into a corner of the warehouse. It sounded like glass hitting but it just bounced off, unbroken.

"Yes" he shouted. "I'm going to be rich!"

He picked up the vase and looked at it closer. It had a flared opening at one end, then narrowed down to about ten centimeters for about a third of a yard with a slight bulb at the end. Pretty much like a flower vase, but with a round bottom.

"How do you stand this thing up" he mused.

After repeatedly smashing it, really hard, against the floor, he convinced himself it really was unbreakable. It didn't show any signs of abuse. The glass was absurdly clear. It didn't even take fingerprints.

The inside surface seemed to be totally frictionless.

He was feeling the inside with his fingers when he felt something like a suction. He explored a little further and the suction grabbed his fingers and started pulling his hand in. He pulled his hand back, but the suction was too strong.

Soon his whole hand was being squeezed into the jar.

Then his arm.

When his fingers reached the bulb at the end they naturally curled into a fist. His hand and arm up to the elbow, was now inside an unbreakable glass jar.

This of course threw him into a rage, and he started trying to smash the jar. Never mind that his vulnerable wrist veins were almost certain to get cut if he succeeded.

He never succeeded.

To this day they are called Bobson Jars in his honor.

52 years later. Planet Hubert, system 61 UMa

Being only 30 some light years from Earth, Hubert was one of the early colonies. Considered Very Earth Like.

Slightly lower gravity. Very small ice caps. Thousands of small to medium sized islands. No large predators. And now a rapidly expanding population.

My name is Paul. I work at one of the universities. Being a colony, I still have to multitask somewhat.

I teach Archery, Medieval history, and I'm the I.T. guy for the college. I had been daydreaming that day while I was waiting for the main server to upload the latest updates from Earth.

See there's this girl on the campus. Girl, woman, lady, a female of my species.

She happens to be somewhat noticeable.

I've heard it rumored that she is a 38HH. That's from a lez that supposedly saw her bra size. Like I said she's noticeable.

Her name is Mary, and she hasn't been here long. She teaches xenoanthropology.

For some reason there seem to be a lot of students taking her classes. Mostly male students.

Anyway, in my dream, I was on the archery range with my big compound bow, when out of the corner of my eye, I saw her being chased by a bear.

We don't have bears here.

So, the bear had just caught up to her and caught the back of her dress with a claw, ripping the dress right off. I let fly with a broadhead at 90 lbs. Caught him right in the neck.

He turned to look at me and I put a second into his heart.

After seeing that he was down, I turned to the now naked Mary, and the computer went "Bing".

Shit.

Oh well, in over a year, I had never done more than say "Hi" or "Good morning" to her anyway.

I decided there was time for a quick run before my late class, so I went to the gym and changed into shorts and a t-shirt.

I was just coming back from a 6k and heading for the locker room for a quick shower, when I heard something ahead of me around the corner.

There were hushed urgent male voices I thought I heard a female making mmmff noises.

Got to be my imagination.

As I turned the corner, there was nothing. I looked both ways, no, nothing there. Huh.

Well onto that shower.

I used my key card to access the locker room and walked in.

As I rounded the corner to my locker, I was surprised by three young men in masks. One was doing something to Mary on one of the benches.

She was gagged and tied to the bench naked. She didn't seem happy to be there. Two of the youths turned to face me.

I think they must be on the football squad as they were huge. The third finished doing whatever he was doing to Mary, looked at me and ordered "Pants".

I was still standing there in shock. Mary was prone on the bench with something going on with her breasts.

Something I couldn't see clearly.

The two jocks were on me in a flash and pulled my pants down.

A good move as I would have to take the time to pull them back up to chase them or defend myself. Then they were out the door.

I was trying to get one leg out of the shorts, so I could chase. What's a little nudity in a situation like this?

The shorts were caught on my shoe, of course, and I was trying to extricate myself when the third kid ran past me and slapped something on my dick.

What the hell?

I finally got the shoe free and took off after them.

I hadn't gotten more than a few feet when something grabbed me by the dick and flipped me onto my face.

I landed badly and had the wind knocked out of me.

What in the blazes had happened?

As I recovered, I looked down and saw a glass vase like thing on my penis.

What in hades was that?

It was like a penis pump made of glass.

And it was on.

I was being sucked in further and further.

I grabbed hold of it and tried to pull it off.

Really tried to pull it off.

The vacuum was too strong.

Where was the off switch for this thing?

It was all glass. There weren't any controls or batteries or anything.

Then I noticed it was constantly pointing at Mary.

Oh my god Mary!

I scrambled to my feet somewhat awkwardly. It was like my penis had a leash on it that I couldn't pull any further.

A leash connected to Mary?

I finally got to her. She was crying around her gag and shaking her chest.

What the fuck? She had two of the same things I had, on her tits. Quite a bit larger, but still a glass penis pump.

And it was going to town on her gorgeous breasts. They were 40 centimeters long and 10 in diameter. Her breasts had been sucked in about half way and were resisting.

I tore my eyes away from the incredible sight to look at her face.

She was obviously in pain. I managed to remove the gag and she screamed "Get them off! Get them off!"

"I don't know how!" I replied. And pointed to my now thoroughly stretched penis.

"Oh god not you too?"

"Oh no, no, no, no, no! This can't be happening!"

"How do I shut them off?" I demanded.

I had grabbed the right one and was tugging on it.

Stretching her incredible breast out as far as I could.

Pulling it from side to side.

Trying to get a finger under the lip to break the suction.

Anything.

Here were the tits of my dreams, and I was manhandling them like there was no tomorrow.

She put her hand on my arm to stop me. "You don't. You can't."

Then after a pause. "They're permanent."

She was still in pain, and I was still going through some twinges.

I was far bigger than I had ever been before, and I was pointed straight out as the flange had finally come to rest against my pelvic bone.

Her tits were about 3/4 of the way there now and still creeping in.

The breasts I had admired from afar were right in front of me being squeezed into ridiculous proportions.

We were both calming down a bit and trying to come to grips with our situation.

"Uh, one more thing, when I was trying to stand up, it was like I had a leash on this thing"

"A leash?"

"Yeah, it was like it was connected to you and I couldn't pull back any further"

"OH NO. Is this the set? Tell me it's not the set!"

"What's the set? What are these things anyway?"

"They're Bobson Jars" as if that explained everything.

"What are Bobson Jars, and how do we get them off?"

She explained to me the story of Bill Bobson, and how his discovery turned out to be less than lucrative.

He had never gotten the Jar off his arm. They had tried everything. Saws. Drills. Hammers. Vices. Torches.

Nothing touched the glass, and nothing could break the vacuum.

The discovery was deemed too dangerous for the general public and was more or less buried.

A small quantity, were sent out to researchers, and universities for study.

And some others made it into the hands of collectors. But for the most part no one knows about them.

She had a set of three, and several smaller singles.

"So, you mentioned a set. What makes a set? Mine is not the same size as yours."

"Well, that's where it gets awkward. A set is not necessarily made up of the same sizes. Sets are extremely rare and not understood very well at all."

She paused at that point as the flair end of her left jar had reached her chest. It slipped the last few centimeters in one gulp, and stopped.

Her breast continued to stretch inside the jar and was just reaching the bulb at the end. She growled something inaudible and continued.

"A set is linked together somehow. Something like the mythical tractor beam. In this case the three cannot be more than three meters apart."

She waited for the other shoe to drop.

"What? Three meters? I have to be within three meters of you? What happens if I go past that?"

"You can't!" She started crying again.

"But, but, but what if I got in a car and drove off?"

"It would stop the car. And if you were facing forward, it would probably crush you."

I was stunned. I slumped to the floor and leaned my back against the bench.

"Am I so horrible?" She asked in a tiny voice

"Horrible? No not at all! I've been wanting to ask you out since the day you got here."

"Why didn't you?"

"I was afraid of getting rejected, of you laughing at me."

"Well, it looks like you're going out with me now."

Then she looked down. If you can bear to look at me. I'm a freak now." Just then the right jar slid in the last few centimeters and she gasped.

"Do you think you can untie me? Please?"

"Oh shit. I'm so sorry." I then did my best to untie her.

My new protuberance kept getting in the way.

At one point it collided with her right breast. A hard crack! There was a loud ringing like a glass bell.

The vibration sent me to my knees. It seemed to go on for minutes. "Holy Shit!"

The vibration coupled with the suction on my dick was like my balls were on fire.

"Arrrr!" I came hard. Probably harder than I have ever come before.

When I was finally able to suck in a lungful of air I saw Mary, still on the bench. She seemed to be in convulsions.

I grabbed her and shouted "Mary...Mary... are you ok?" She slowly calmed down enough to tell me that she had also had a tremendous orgasm.

"Is that normal?" I asked.

"It's never been reported. I have all the case studies in my office."

Just then the police arrived. Apparently, the computer notified them when the heard the sounds of distress from a female voice in the men's locker-room.

Mary and I had a lot to talk about but it would have to wait for everyone to complete their civic duty first.

The cops had lots of questions. Do we know who did this? Do you know why they did this? Do we have any enemies? Did we get a good look at them? Would we recognize them in a lineup? Were we raped? Were we molested? Will you work with a sketch artist?

Then we got the EMTs. They had more questions. Are you hurt? Are you in pain now? Can we remove these devices? How are they being held on?

The blankets were bad enough but now they wanted to put us on gurneys? To see the two of us laying on our backs with my dick and her breasts sticking straight up? But that's what they did.

Then they started putting us in separate ambulances. We both tried to argue with them. Insisting that we had to be transported together.

We got irate.

We got loud.

They tranquilized us.

I think it's in their first, and last day of class to never listen to anything a victim says. It's probably on their final.

We heard what happened later.

My ambulance pulled away first. It got just past the other ambulance when I flew up and back still attached to my gurney.

My erection poked a hole through the steel door of the van before ripping it off its hinges.

Mary's gurney flipped the other way and both her breasts imbedded themselves in a steel locker which pushed forward into the driver's seat.

The only thing that saved us, was when the bulkhead on Mary's ambulance slammed into the driver, he inadvertently hit the gas closing the gap between vehicles.

We were miraculously both unhurt. Probably due to being unconscious at the time.

The same police arrived at the scene, and started taking statements.

"So, when they told you, they couldn't be separated by more than three meters, you thought they were joking?"

"And when they vocally insisted you knocked them out?"

"You realize they barely know one another and both are subject to unknown alien technology?"

"I think maybe they should go in the same van. As soon as a third one gets here."

"Have you managed to free them from the wreckage yet?"

"I understand his dick is still stuck through the door. Yes, his penis. Sorry."

Eventually they got it all sorted out and we woke up in a single hospital room with two beds.

When we asked how we got bruised and scraped up, we were informed that our ambulances had been in a minor accident.

We got the cliché Nurse coming in, doing a doubletake when she saw two beds, then doing another when she saw the tent in my sheet, then a third when she saw the double peaks in Mary's bed. She didn't stay long.

Checked Mary's vitals. Checked out my tent.

Checked my vitals. Checked out my tent.

Made some notes in the computer. Checked out my tent.

And then left. Looking back at my tent.

It's hard to make small talk in a hospital bed next to a stranger that you've had the hots for, for over a year, and you now, will be somewhat attached to you, from now on. Where do you start?

Finally, the Doctor came in and introduced himself.

He had examined us before we regained consciousness.

He had read all the literature he could find on our 'condition'.

"I've been trying to reach a Dr Wheeler at the university. She's the leading expert on this stuff."

I cringed.

"Dr Mary Wheeler?" Mary inquired.

"Yes, exactly. You know her? Oh Shit. You're Dr Wheeler?"

"Yes. And I can tell you several things. One, they are not coming off. Two, they are unbreakable. And Three, they cannot ever get more than three meters apart."

"So, us being here is a waste of everyone's time and resources. I can be more effective in my lab."

Then she looked at me "and we need to deal with some serious personal issues."

"I guess that's all true. I will work on the discharge papers." And with that he left the room.

"Not here" Mary said

"Ok" I agreed.

We convinced the police to take us to her place. They told us they weren't a taxi service.

We reasoned that if forced to take public transportation, they would just get called anyway, for indecent exposure or something.

They made sure we know that it was a one-time thing. "You two are going to have to get this straightened out."

No shit.

Her place was much bigger and nicer than my bachelor pad. She had inherited from her parents, some of the original colonists.

We sat down at the kitchen table wearing the same blankets we had received from the police. Do they just carry them around to cover naked people?

We looked at one another for about ten minutes. Just trying to absorb the enormity of what had just happened to us.

Finally, just as she was about to speak, I stood up, and went around to her side of the table. I knelt down next to her. Looked her in the eye and asked one thing "Permanent?"

She nodded. "Yes"

I then took her hand and said, "Mary Wheeler will you marry me?"

She gasped. I think I caught her totally off guard.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"It's that or kill myself so you can be free." I solemnly replied.

"You would do that?"

"Yes"

"Please don't! Then I would have to carry your dick around in a jar for the rest of my life. Even your death doesn't let it come out." She smiled as she said that.

I was still kneeling there waiting. Just looking at her beautiful eyes.

Who else would I ever be able to live with?

No one anywhere would be able to relate. I would be an outcast, a curiosity. The same thoughts must have been going through her mind as well.

"Why are you still kneeling there? Of course, I'll marry you, if you'll still have me looking like this?" she waved toward her captive breasts.

I joked "I don't think you need a bra anymore but if you did it'd be what 38ZZZ?" That got a laugh out of her.

"I think that's what got us into this mess in the first place."

"I've been ogled since I was 15"

"I'm sorry I got you dragged into this mess."

"Hey, you didn't do anything, I got myself into it by trying to help a damsel in distress"

"Kind of a lifetime dream."

The whole time we had been talking my dick had been quietly tapping on the floor in time with my heartbeat.

"Ok that's a little distracting" she said looking down at my clear glass prison.

"Are you saying I'm little?" I said with a smile.

"Certainly not anymore" she replied.

I got up and sat back at the table with my new fiancé.

Something was bothering me, and I didn't quite know how to bring it up.

"I've been wondering about something. Back in the locker room, when we collided jars, and we both came really hard."

"Yes...?"

"I came really hard, like really hard."

"Yes...?"

"So where did it go?"

"I mean, I have to urinate, badly, and I'm afraid to."

"Do I have a limit? And when its full it just backs up and I die?"

"Oh. No, no, nothing like that. I forget that you are totally unfamiliar with the Bobson jars."

"They would make an exceptionally dangerous flower vase, but they wouldn't work anyway. Any liquid that goes into them vanishes."

"Vanishes?"

"Yeah, no one knows how, or where it goes, it's just gone. Like the air that makes the suction. Somehow it gets removed. Another mystery."

"Then what in hell were they used for?"

"That's the billion-credit question. Isn't it? Apparently, they make a great penis pump." She smiled as she said that.

"Sure" I replied.

"If we could just take it off when it's done"

It's not easy to urinate with a full hardon, and mine was far harder than I had ever had before, but apparently the vacuum helped. As soon as I realized I didn't have to hold it anymore, I just didn't really have to go anymore.

"Another thing, they can't be amputated."

"What?" I asked.

"They can't be amputated, it's been tried, first on Bill of course." His arm would heal itself faster than they could cut."