Body Positive Ch. 01

Content Warning: In addition to the usual sexual themes of my stories, this story contains explicit references to eating disorders, including the behavior and perspective of someone in the midst of their disorder. If this is something you struggle with, this may not be the story for you. (This is not a pro-ED story, quite the contrary. Nevertheless, the level of detail present in this story may be triggering to those who are prone to eating disorders or other forms of self-harm.)

Disclaimer: As usual, this story contains graphic depictions of non-consensual sex and mind control and is intended to be read only by adults of legal age in legal contexts. All characters depicted are over 18, and all events and people described are entirely fictional. Copyright 2021, Quiver. All rights reserved.

Body Positive

by Quiver

Chapter 1: Self Love

Maya sat patiently outside Dr. Claudia Thompson's office for her weekly appointment. She had been out of the inpatient program for nearly six months now, but she still felt like she was constantly dangling from the edge of a cliff.

"Ms. Reynolds?" the receptionist called. Maya looked up from her reverie. "Dr. Thompson is ready for you."

Maya got up unsteadily. She hadn't eaten anything today, and it was definitely affecting her balance. She was simultaneously ashamed and proud of that fact as she walked down the hallway in a slight daze toward her therapist's office.

She knocked carefully on the door. Promptly, Dr. Thompson opened the door with a warm smile. "Maya," she said. "Come in, come in. How are you doing?"

"Um, okay," Maya responded, setting down her bag and curling up with her feet under her as she sat on Dr. Thompson's couch. She grabbed one of the throw pillows and hugged it to herself. She didn't like to have too much of her body exposed, and holding onto a blanket or a pillow always made her feel a little bit more safe.

"Just okay?" Claudia asked with concern, taking a seat in her chair across from Maya.

"Yeah," Maya replied, not able to give up much information. She knew she should be using this time, but everything just felt so hopeless.

Claudia took a different approach. "How have you been doing with your meal plan?" she asked.

Maya sunk a little further into the couch, feeling the shame creep up around her ears. "Umm, not great," she admitted.

Dr. Thompson nodded in understanding, beginning to jot down a few notes on her pad. "What has been getting in the way?" she asked.

"I just, I know I need to eat. I know how dangerous it is. I want to get better, I really do. But," she trailed off. "I just can't stand how I look in the mirror. All I see is this giant inhuman monster of a body. I'm so disgusted by it. I can't believe I've let myself get as big as I have. And the thought of doing anything that might make me even bigger is just too much," her voice cracked. "I can't do it."

Claudia continued writing on her notepad and looked up at Maya. "Maya, you do know that this perception you have of how you look, it's not real," she said. "And even if it were, being alive and healthy is so much more important than how you look."

Maya clutched the pillow closer to herself and muttered quietly, "Yeah, I know."

"I just--" she started again. "I miss it," she finally said.

"I miss being skinny. I miss being able to grab onto my own hip bone. I miss people telling me how great I look, how "healthy" I must be for losing so much weight. I miss noticing that my bra was gapping where my tits used to be. Every day, everything I noticed was a sign I was doing something well. Every time that number went down again, it was like a drug," she continued, her feelings bubbling to the surface.

"I even sometimes miss that empty feeling inside. Everything just fades away to nothingness. I don't have to worry about anything, not work, not relationships, only this one thing. Everything is simple. Be smaller. That's all I need to do to be... right."

Dr. Thompson tilted her head in neutral curiosity. "Why do you think you feel like you need to be smaller to be right? Does everyone else need to be smaller too?"

Maya smiled wistfully, knowing where this was going. "No," she replied. "Just me. I'm the only one who needs to be smaller. You know, I even like bigger girls! I've found women significantly bigger than me perfectly beautiful! Jenna was always bigger than me, and she was so sexy. She owned it, you know?" her voice got softer as she thought about her ex-girlfriend. But then, her self-hatred took hold again, "But not me. I'm disgusting," she said with a sneer, pinching a small amount of fat folded over at her midsection.

Claudia's face softened as she asked, "Why do you deserve such cruelty? Why don't you deserve love and kindness like others do? Why does your body alone deserve ridicule and loathing?"

Overwhelmed, Maya put her face in her hands as her fingers clawed at the edges of her face and tugged at her hair. Choking back tears, she finally replied "I don't know."

"You don't deserve to die, Maya," Dr. Thompson said gently. "And your body cannot take another relapse. Your heart can't take it. The weight you've gained is good. It means that you're alive. And you deserve to stay that way."

Maya started shaking as the words resonated inside her. She wanted so desperately to be free of this... obsession. She wanted to be able to see herself as beautiful. But every time she even entertained the possibility that she could be, the obsessive thoughts started up again. All she could see were the flaws, the imperfections. She wasn't good enough. Wasn't thin enough. She towered over everyone around her, thundered as she walked down the street. Even if they didn't realize it. Even if they thought she looked normal. They didn't really see her. They couldn't see the monstrosity, the giant blob that she was underneath it all. It didn't make sense. But it didn't have to. All she knew is that it felt true.

"I wish I could get past this," Maya said. "But no matter how much I try to reason with the negative voices in my head, what I say always feels like a lie. I just wish I could make myself believe it."

"It just takes time, Maya," Dr. Thompson replied. "You're doing great work. You have made so much progress since you were first admitted--"

"It's been six months!" Maya interjected. "It's been six months since I was released from treatment. Released! Six months since I was supposedly healthy enough to go about my life again!" She found herself nearing a shout as she vented out all her frustrations to her therapist. "Damn it, Claudia. Do you see me going about my life? I can't even put on a pair of jeans without crying." Lowering her volume a bit as she tried to calm down, Maya continued, "Can't you just... make me better?"

Claudia looked at Maya with genuine sympathy. "I'm sorry, Maya. There aren't any shortcuts here. There's no quick-fix. You just have to do the work. And you're doing the work. It takes time."

"Yeah, you said that," Maya responded, not feeling any better. "I don't really see the point of any of this," she said quietly. "I'm just going to slowly kill myself. Maybe a little more slowly with you here, but still, in the end it's the same. This isn't even living. What's the point."

Dr. Thompson could hear the notes of true despair behind Maya's words and was growing concerned for her safety. "Maya, I need to ask you something," she started to say.

"No," Maya replied before Claudia had a chance to ask her question, knowing it was coming. "I'm not going to hurt myself. Not in any immediate sense, anyway. No plan, don't worry, you've done your due diligence. I just feel like I'm going in circles here."

Maya stood up and started gathering her things. "I don't think this is working," she said.

Claudia put her notebook down, a bit shocked at the sudden change in Maya's demeanor. "Maya, don't do anything rash, please. You're at a crossroads. Don't throw away your support system. You still need to be in therapy. You said it yourself, you're not even following the meal plan, much less making strides toward full recovery."

"I like you, Claudia," Maya said in response. "You're good at your job. You're nice. You listen. But it's just not doing anything. Not enough, anyway. I'm not getting any better. In fact, I think I'm getting worse."

"That's a normal part of recovery," Dr. Thompson replied, trying to persuade Maya to stay. "When you start digging deep sometimes you unearth things that make you feel worse in the short term. But it gives us an opportunity to process them, to really, truly heal and grow. And in the long run, you'll feel better for it."

"I don't see a long run anymore," Maya said darkly.

"Please take some time and think about this," Claudia said, genuinely concerned at Maya's attitude.

"Claudia," Maya began, "I've been in and out of treatment for the past three years. I've said the mantras. I've gotten in touch with my inner child. I've challenged my negative thinking. I've done all of this, and I still just cringe when I look down. I don't know how I can possibly get better if all I ever see when I look at myself is a monster. There's something broken inside me, and there's nothing you can do to fix it. My brain is just wired wrong. And I'm just so tired. I'm so tired of hating myself. I'm so tired of finally, after hours of staring blankly at the refrigerator, having the courage to eat, and then immediately regretting it."

Maya paused to take a breath before continuing. "Being in this quasi-recovery state is so much harder than just giving in to the eating disorder. It calls to me every single second. And if I could just... not hate myself so much, maybe I could resist the call. I know it takes time, and hard work, but if things don't get better soon I'm literally going to die. It's too much. Can't I just be better? Can't I just skip ahead?" Maya sighed in defeat, resigned to the fact that she was simply going to lose the battle with her disorder.

"I'm done," Maya said. "I'm done trying to fight it. If you don't have anything new to offer, I'm done."

Dr. Thompson removed her glasses, letting them fall around her neck from their chain, and began rubbing her temples. "I can't stop you from leaving, Maya," Dr. Thompson said slowly. "And I strongly advise against it," she paused, considering her next sentence carefully. "But there is one option we haven't explored yet."

Maya's expression relaxed slightly as curiosity got the better of her. "What option?" she asked.

Claudia wiped her glasses and put them back on and looked up at Maya. "Therapeutic hypnosis," she said.

Maya let out a quick laugh, smiling with her mouth but not her eyes. "Hypnosis," she repeated dubiously. "You're a hypnotist now?" she asked with amusement.

"Not me," said Dr. Thompson. "I'm not a trained hypnotherapist. I'd need to refer you out."

"The method is controversial," she continued. "But there are some documented results for certain conditions, specifically chemical addiction. The use of hypnotherapy for eating disorder treatment is not very well-documented. And it's not something I would ordinarily suggest," she paused. "Eating disorders so often stem from deeply rooted psychological issues. Overcoming them is not as simple as resisting a chemical dependency. Even many drug addicts don't respond well to hypnosis, because their addiction is a coping mechanism for something much deeper."

Maya was intrigued by the idea. "But it could help me stop seeing myself as a hideous monster," she said.

"It might help," Claudia agreed. "But I certainly can't make any promises. And I'll need to make some calls to find referrals, because none of my colleagues practice hypnotherapy either. I'd have to give you a blind referral."

Maya suddenly felt a little guilty at the thought of leaving Claudia. She had been such a wonderful source of support throughout the entire process. She had helped her get over Jenna after the breakup. She had gently but firmly encouraged Maya to start treatment for the eating disorder after she had collapsed at the gym. Maya didn't know what she would have done without Dr. Thompson. But she just felt so stuck, so utterly miserable, that she was ready to try something, anything, new.

"I want to try it," Maya said decisively. "Can I still see you sometimes, though?" she added hopefully.

"Okay," said Dr. Thompson. "I'll get to work finding you some options. And yes, it would be best for continuity of care for you to continue seeing me, at least for a few more sessions. Once you find a trained hypnotherapist, we can all work together as a team to decide what we should do for your treatment moving forward."

Maya was relieved that she would still be able to talk to Claudia. She had been at her wits end, but she still wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to such a consistent presence in her life.

"Thank you," Maya said sincerely.

"You're welcome, Maya," responded Claudia, standing up to walk over to her desk. "I know you're trying. You do deserve to live a happy life, you know. You're not a hideous monster to anyone but you. I shouldn't even comment on your looks, it's not productive for your recovery to focus on that, but you are genuinely stunning, Maya. I hope someday you realize that." She placed her notebook on the desk and turned back toward Maya.

Maya looked into Claudia's eyes as the next round of tears welled up. It was always hard to hear a compliment from someone she trusted. It caused so much dissonance to try to reconcile her own perceptions with the notion that someone else could find her beautiful. It had been one of the things that ultimately drove Jenna away.

Maya impulsively rushed over to Claudia and embraced her in a big bear hug, causing Claudia to tense up a bit. "Thank you, Claudia," she said, resting her head on Claudia's chest.

Claudia relaxed, allowing her hand to rest on Maya's head, gently stroking her dark curly hair. "You're welcome, Maya," she replied softly.

Maya lingered there briefly, comforted by the embrace in a way she hadn't felt since Jenna left. She felt her body relax as all the tension and emotion she had been holding onto seemed to melt away, leaving her tingling with nerves and longing. Maya looked up at her therapist and recognized that what she was feeling was attraction. Their eyes met as both women realized that they had been holding the pose a bit longer than was professional.

Dr. Thompson firmly held Maya's shoulders as she took a big step backwards, creating a much needed distance between them. Clearing her throat, Claudia quickly attempted to move past the inappropriate moment as she braced herself by leaning back on her desk. "Ahem, well, I will make some calls this afternoon to see if there are any practicing hypnotherapists in the area that I can refer you to." She glanced up at the clock, thankful that it was nearing the 45 minute mark.

"Maya, it's going to be okay. Even if this hypnosis idea isn't the right path for you, you will find your way. I believe in you," she said.

Feeling slightly rejected, but also extremely embarrassed that she had basically just come on to her therapist, Maya smiled wistfully. "Yeah," she said. "Thanks for everything, Dr. Thompson."

"You should get a secure message from me with the referral details later this afternoon," Claudia said, pushing herself fully upright again and straightening her blouse. She was clearly flustered, but attempting to push through it. "But I'll hold your regular appointment slot until we know how things are going. And please, Maya, go home and have something to eat. You look like you're about to faint."

"Thanks," Maya said again. "I guess I'll see you next week." Dr. Thompson nodded, raising her right hand in a slightly awkward attempt at a wave as Maya opened the door. Shutting the door behind her, Maya slumped against the wall and sighed heavily in embarrassment.

"What the fuck is wrong with me," she muttered. "Idiot," she berated herself, knocking her head backwards into the wall behind her. "Fat, ugly, stupid idiot." Finally able to curb her self-abuse, Maya made her way out of the therapy office to wait at home for her referral.

It wasn't until the next morning that Maya finally got the notification email that she had a message waiting from Dr. Thompson's office.

She didn't have any classes today and had been in a battle with herself all morning about whether she was allowed to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. If she stayed in bed, she had reasoned, she didn't have to eat breakfast. Breakfast is only required if you actually get up. If she got up and didn't have breakfast, though, that would mean she wasn't following her meal plan. Another failure to add to the count.

It was all very logical. She'd just never get out of bed, and then she'd never need to eat. Perfect. Except, she needed to pee.

The email notification on her phone was enough to cause Maya to finally break the cycle and get up to pee. Tossing on an oversized shirt, she carried her phone with her to the bathroom and sat on the toilet while scrolling to find the new secure message.

<<

Dear Ms. Maya Reynolds,

Below you will find referral details for the following ONE available counselors with specialization in HYPNOTHERAPY:

-(1) John Michael Trevor, Practitioner of the Healing Arts [Link to Contact Information] [website: LINK]

Sincerely,

The Office of Dr. Claudia Thompson, PhD, Licensed Psychotherapist, ABPP

<<

Maya was disappointed to see only one name on the list. She had expected to at least have a couple of options to choose from. But it did seem like hypnotherapy was a pretty niche specialization for therapists, so she supposed it was lucky that Dr. Thompson had been able to even find one. Still, it made her a little nervous that the therapist was a man. She'd only ever had female therapists, and wasn't sure how comfortable she would feel with a man poking around her subconscious. She'd need to think about it.

Finishing up in the bathroom, Maya made her way over to her kitchen and started a pot of coffee. Time for her daily "staring at the fridge for an hour" ritual. Ugh, disgusting pig, she thought to herself as she contemplated her breakfast options. After about ten minutes of trying to decide between a granola bar and a glass of milk, she gave up and poured herself a big mug of black coffee. I'll just wake up a little bit and then decide what to eat, Maya thought to herself, knowing full well that she was simply indulging in the disorder by delaying her food intake.

Wrapped up in her comfortable blanket of denial, Maya walked over to her breakfast nook to catch up on a bit of her schoolwork while she drank her coffee.

Unable to concentrate, Maya finally gave in to the pangs of hunger she had been trying so hard to ignore. She got up from her seat, unsteady, and quickly unwrapped the granola bar, scarfing it down before she had a chance to change her mind.

Gross, she thought. You're so gross. You're like some gremlin stuffing yourself full of sweets. Look at yourself. Look at that huge stomach and giant tits. You basically look pregnant, except pregnant women are usually like, glowing and beautiful and shit. But you're fucking ugly. An ugly pregnant goblin.

Maya paused for a moment, catching herself spiraling. She tried her usual centering techniques, focusing on her breathing. Sifting through her go-to cognitive behavioral therapy strategies, she settled on trying to distract herself by naming random objects in the room.

Refrigerator. Sink. Coffee pot. Broom. Disgusting heaps of food lying in wait to poison you and make you even fatter than you already are. Shit, this wasn't working.