All Comments on 'Body Swap with Sister's Boyfriend Ch. 01'

What a load of shit

Please no more!!!! This was awful enough. Cheesy development even cheesier dialogue lame sex(?) OMG. The movie with Lohan and Curtis was decent but this slop made me want to puke. You're an experienced writer too.

Not worth 1 star

DragonRider55

Could have been a good story line but did not come out as such. Too much on the bathroom commentary. Let this one stop and move on.

your concept is good: body swap of brother with sister's boyfriend via ouja board. all the rest is too tedious. I was expecting the twins, boyfriend and others to be playing ojua and somehow the swap occurred during the game. being the twins don't like each other makes it more fun. i would have the twin brother transferred into the jock, not want to go out with his sister because she's a bitch. But then she keeps after him. You could have the jock stuck in the twin's body become attracted to the mother.

But stop with the bathroom body cleanup of bodily fluids. if the element isn't plot related then don't do it

The snail's pace was torture, but the extreme detail about bathroom habits and stains in underwear was a complete turn off. And nothing in the story turned my interests the other way.

You need to either pick up the pace by not focusing on irrelevant details as were already commented on or drop the storyline. Getting down to brass tacks is where it should be. This can be a great story.

STOP! do not add another chapter, Give the readers a break, who the hell wants to read about sister and mom shitting and pissing and on the rag. Disgusting!

... to see where you're going, now that the change finally happened. I want to see how he exacts revenge on the two cunts in his life.

you spent three pages going over what could easily be summed up in half a page (if that) and did it in the most baffling way. You stretched it out describing the little things rather than getting to any real content. It was boring, not even humorously bad, just boring. I'm surprised I finished reading this because it is so dull. You spent so much time getting to the body swap, but nothing much really happened, you just kept repeating things and giving irrelevant details. Trim the fat, as they say, and don't sweat the small stuff. Actually have things happen, and you don't have to describe people pulling up their underwear every damn time. It's boring and people know what it entails already without you stretching it out for a paragraph.

Read the whole thing, too much useless detail...

Who gives a shit …pun intended … about the experience bladder and bowel movements.. you took a possibly decent story concept and flushed it. Way too drawn out and filled with inane drivel. Waste … pun intended…. Of time.

Your story is very detailed and your world building is quite good, your dialogue is decent as well. Having said that;

1. Bro. Less poos, pees and menstruation. How am I supposed to maintain wood? If you are in to girls taking dumps, I mean I guess but maybe.... don't? Just.... Don't. You just you get. Get now, you hear?

2. Detail is great when it serves the story but details which don't drive forward the plot destroy your pacing. You build tension by controlling what information you do and do not give to the reader. An example: A man in black quickly ducks of a busy restaurant being careful not to look anyone in the eye. The wait staff, looking nonplussed with his odd behavior, sweep the table of the detritus left by the furtive customer's meal and straiten and wipe down the table cloth and seats so that the next group, a party of four may use the spot. As they finish the tattooed young back of house specialist who had (been stuck bussing this table so Sheila could smoke again!) Noticed he had dropped his cellphone. He scooped it off the floor, his eyes sliding right past the curious object now tapped beneath the table's center with wires protruding from off angles and numbers counting down on it's digital read out. If he had seen it? He would have ran screaming for the cops.

Alas, none the wiser he went to the back while Sheila, having washed her hands after finishing her smoke smiled politely at the couple and the two older folks with them: "4 for a table?", She asked.

"Yes. The one that young man just tidied up would be fine. I love the view of the boardwalk!" Said the older woman. Her companion sighed noncommittally and the younger couple both made eye contact with Sheila and smiled to cover for the older man's obvious disregard. Sheila took it in stride and placed their menus and silverware at the table and waited patiently for everyone to be seated comfortably before getting their drink order.

The noise perfectly covered the clicking sound from the device under the table as the digital read out began counting down just 3 minutes. Strange gurgling liquids of differing colors began rushing toward each other in separate containers and it seemed that when the pressure equalized and the two mixed a circuit would complete. The restaurant would be blown to bits.

See what I mean? Just enough to explain the scene. Dialogue and world building but not extraneous detail.