Book 03: A Match Made - Ch. 04

"You love it, you slut." Yeah, I do. Just like I adore being her slut. No one else, not ever, just my honey.

I nodded and turned to kiss her forehead. She lifted her face, so I kissed her.

We lay together, content after a fun evening, and let sleep carry us away.

** October 15th, 2015 **

Lissy

It wasn't a special day by any means. A work day, so we'd hurried home to pick up our son from daycare. Mick has grown so much since he came into our lives. It sounds so trite, but it's so true... I can't imagine life without him. And I know Kara feels the same way.

Even though it was a bit chilly, we sat out on the patio after Mick had been put to bed. Kara with her Seven-Up and me with a glass of chardonnay.

The question, when it came, floored me. Caught me completely off guard. So out of the blue I didn't know what to do, let alone how to respond. I stared at the woman I love, who averted her eyes, flushing slightly.

"Lissy, do you still love me?"

W H A T?????

My first response was shock. Stunned, caught completely unawares. As in - a feather could have knocked me off my chair. I couldn't imagine where or why the question came from, nor could I fathom why she felt like she had to ask. So I asked.

"I won't ask if you're serious. I know you well enough to know you wouldn't have asked if there wasn't some little germ of something that's been bugging you. But, Kara, please help me!! We've been living together a while now. Sharing our lives, sharing this and that, and sharing our son. We're engaged for fuck's sake. You wear my ring!!"

I admit it; with every statement or question, I felt my sense of panic rise. There had to be something behind her question. It just couldn't have come out of nowhere. I wanted to scream!! But I wanted to cry a thousand times more and didn't dare. I felt like I had been immobilized in my chair, unable to move, barely able to breathe, my mind going a million miles a second, my legs trembling, my hands trying to pretend everything was all right. And I didn't dare look at my Kara.

Oh my god!! I'm crying so hard as I write this. You just can't imagine my confusion and absolute terror as I sat, stunned, wondering how to answer her.

"Honey, I don't understand the question. Please help me."

She met my eyes for the briefest of seconds before turning away. Then there was silence. And then...

"I don't know. For as much time as we spend together, it feels to me like there's this distance between us that grows and grows and just keeps growing." She wouldn't look at me. "We're so good together in every way possible. And, even though I couldn't have imagined ever having a kid come into my life, Mick has been such a blessing."

She had tears now; so did I. But she kept her eyes averted.

"I don't know; maybe it's all in my imagination, but there's something... just something. And I can't put my finger on it, can't tell you what it is. I just feel it. And it drives me nuts, because I can NOT put my finger on it nor can I explain it rationally. It feels to me like I'm going crazy an inch at a time. And I can't stand it, because my nuttiness feels like it's driving a wedge between us that I'm not even sure is there."

Kara stopped talking and began to sob, bending over, gasping for breaths. Shocked as I was, my first instinct was to rush to her, hold her, and tell her everything was okay. But dammit all to hell! I didn't know where all that had come from, and I didn't want to 'rescue' her when I was so conflicted. God help me, but I chose to let it play out. To see what was on her mind.

"Kara, I don't think you're nuts. Not one little bit. I'd tell you that I love you, but geez oh pete, you sure as hell better know that or this has all been one miserable charade." I had to gather myself before continuing. "To say you've caught me off guard might well be the understatement of a very new millennium. Honestly, I don't exactly know what to say, especially if you have any doubt, even the smallest shred of doubt, that I love you."

"I can tell you this. My life since meeting you seems pretty much like some goddamn fairy tale. You know my past, all that I've been through, and I never expected to find someone like you. Nor did I..." Kara paused to catch a sob and to gather herself. "I was attracted to you immediately, and pursued you even though you were married. I can't say I knew it would work out, but my life, up till then, had been a series of broken relationships and..." She stopped, hung her head, and began to cry again.

Kara finally dried her eyes, looked at me, and continued.

"I'm so damned lucky to have met you, honey. And even though I know we love each other to the moon and back, I'm still tortured with these doubts that come at me day after day after every <b>GOD... DAMNED... DAY.</b>" She screamed the last few words before dropping her head into her hands and crying again.

Confusion had me in its grip. There were moments early on when I wondered if I was just a notch on some kid's belt. But Kara kept after me, month after fabulous month, we kept seeing each other, and the bond between us grew. My kids love her, and you can't know what that meant to me. And then... Mick!! Holy crap. Me, at my age, with a kid thrust into our lives. And Kara and I have adapted. And I love our little guy like nobody's business. My kids can see it, I'm sure. And I'm also sure Nik and Karen can too. They've been so fabulous along the way. It couldn't have been easy for them, at their age(s), to have a toddler come into their lives.

They may have been relieved when Kara and I broached the idea of adoption, but they've been supportive of the adoption and of both Kara and I. I couldn't imagine us being in a better situation that what we were living.

But about us.

I tried a smile and said, "Part of me feels like you're nuts, but I don't want you to feel shamed or foolish. I will tell you that your question could knock me off the Sears Tower with a feather. That aside, I have only one thing to tell you." I moved closer and took my honey's face in my hands. "I love you, Kara. For as much as we tease and kid, I love you. You wear my ring, and I have every intention of marrying you and spending every last day of my life with you until I'm called home. You may have your doubts, whatever the reason, but know one thing. I have loved you, I love you, and I will love you. Now and forever."

She cried. I cried. I finally moved closer, hugged her, put her head on my shoulder. We cried. Until we were done.

** October 19th, 2015 **

Lissy

Thank all that's holy that Amy and I had restarted regular Monday sessions some time ago. I sure as hell needed one after Kara's shocking question.

I sat, sobbing, after recounting the events of that scary night. Amy sat quietly through it all, letting me vent, which included screams of rage, complete with an occasional obscenity.

"It feels to me, after listening to you, Lissy, like this came out of nowhere." I nodded, still dabbing at what I know were red, swollen eyes.

"We argue now and then; I mean what couple doesn't, but yes, it was so out of the blue I couldn't..." I looked at Amy. "Honestly, I couldn't move. I was appalled, shocked, just blown away. We haven't been living together in our new home for very long. And our son hasn't been with us full time very long either. Here I thought we were finally together, content, and then this. Out of the blue. It shook me, Amy, and I don't quite know what to do."

"Is Kara still seeing someone?" I shook my head.

"She stopped earlier this year. She told me, when I asked, that she didn't feel she needed it anymore." I shrugged. "Not much for me to do. She's an adult and capable of managing her own life. It's been well over a year now since she's been back at work, too. And she doesn't give any indication anything's amiss on that front. Got a raise not long ago, do that has to be a positive, right?"

Amy smiled.

"What do you think you should do about this?" I laughed.

"Part of me wants to strangle her. But that silliness aside..."

"One second. Why is it silliness?" Oh good lord. Me and my big mouth.

"Nothing; it's nothing, just a turn of a phrase. Mostly, I just want to stay on an even keel emotionally. Let her talk when she wants to talk. Keep our every day lives the way they're going. That's the thing, Amy, we're doing really well and have been for quite some time.

"Do you think she should be seeing someone?"

I sat and stared. I wasn't sure why, but it felt like an unusual question for her to ask me.

"Hard for me to answer that one. I'm not sure it's up to me to suggest that she start up again. And, I admit to being a little gun shy after last Thursday."

"Completely understandable."

There was a pause in our session as we both sat and stared at each other. Me, uneasy and puzzled.

"It's not like Kara and I don't get plenty of time together, just the two of us. Sure, having Mick with us full time means that some of the time we'd spend together is spent with him. But it's not often he's alone with one of us. Kara seems to be getting the hang of parenthood, too. And every indication is that she enjoys it, and him, a great deal."

Another nod.

I could feel myself get more frustrated. I know that I'm in charge of my session, but holy crap, some kind of feedback other than a nod would be helpful.

"I don't know what to do, and I'm not all that sure that there's much for me to do." That was rewarded with a small smile.

"So you agree with me on that point?"

"What I'll say is that I can understand why you were upset. Something shocking, coming out of the blue like that, would easily upset the apple cart. And I'm not sure, based on what you've told me, there's a crying need for much change. If the two of you have been going along and getting along, maybe write this off as a one time thing and let it go."

"What? And maybe see if it happens again, or something like it?"

"That's a possibility, yes. I think you might find that a useful course of action." Hosanna!! Something teetering very close to an actual opinion.

The session wrapped up shortly after that, leaving me only slightly relieved, but unquestionably anxious. And, unsure of exactly what to do... as in, going about our daily lives together. This could not and would not be carried over to our son. I would not let that happen.

I guess the best way to put it is... we'll see how it goes. Which is weak, very weak. But it's all I can think of right now!!

** January 18th, 2016 **

Lissy and Kara

It may seem odd, or maybe not, but it didn't take long for Mick to fit in with us. He was a joy, though mischievous like kids, especially boys, his age can be. The holidays were just too much fun. I think Kara had even more fun buying his presents than I did. And of course my kids spoiled him rotten with their presents.

It was wonderful, too, because Jenna and her family spent time in Chicago with all of us. They did spend Christmas Eve and Christmas together in Minnesota, but flew in on Saturday. It was truly a joyous time, other than Andi's tragedy.

I didn't tell you about this, and I'm sorry for that, but J.R. called me, crying. It was just another night, early in October, until I heard his voice.

"Mom," he said, his voice cracking, "Andi's lost the baby."

I was stunned, though something had to be wrong for him to call me at almost 10pm. I felt tears starting. Kara, who was in bed next to me, looked and saw my concern. She sat up and mouthed, 'What?' I mouthed, 'Andi lost the baby.' She broke down. But I needed to be the Mom for my son in his moment of agony.

"Honey, I'm so, so sorry. Tell me please, is Andi okay?"

His voice wavered again as he said, in hushed tones, "She's fine, but she's just broken up about this. I've never seen her so upset." Oh sweetie, I just bet!

I was so blessed never to have problems with any of my pregnancies. And I worried so with my Rachel, given my age. But our God was good to me and she was born healthy. Sorry, I'm sniffling. I need Kleenex. This isn't much fun.

"I'll call off work and come see you both tomorrow morning. What room is she in?" He told me and I motioned to Kara for paper and pen. She nodded and pantomimed to ask if she could come too.

"J.R., do you think she'd mind if Kara came with me?" Kara smiled her thanks, wanly.

"I think that would be fine. I'll call your cell to let you know for sure."

I didn't know what to say to my baby boy. There are no lessons to deal with stuff like this. You fly by the seat of your panties, praying to God you get it right, hoping to find the words to say that give some kind of... oh my god, what exactly? How do you ease the pain for your son, your daughter, or your in law who's lost a child during pregnancy. I'd never felt so helpless in my life.

J.R. seemed to sense my unease, God bless him.

"It's okay, Mom; this can't be much easier for you than it is for us. I'm going home to try and sleep. We left Robby at the Smithson's for the night. I'll check in the morning, see how he's doing, and then head to the hospital."

How in the world could I have forgotten about my grandson? What is wrong with me!!

"Honey, would it help if we stay at your house with Robby? At least until Andi comes home. And when will that be?"

He laughed. "They've told us they'll discharge her tomorrow if she has a good night and is okay tomorrow too." Barbarians!! But it's not the hospitals, it's the goddamned insurance companies. But whatever. Not the time for that.

"Okay, honey. Please let us know if we can help, although I'm sure Andi will want Sue (her Mom) with her."

"Yeah, whatever, she'll let me know and we'll sort it all out." I could hear the energy leaking from his voice.

"Okay, sweetie, head home, drive carefully, and get some sleep. This is a tragedy, and there will be better days ahead."

"God I hope so, Mom. Thanks for listening and for offering help. Please say hi to Kara, too. Love you, Mom. Night!"

He clicked off and I fell into Kara's arms, sobbing. She didn't say a word, just rubbed my back and held me.

"I don't think I've ever felt so useless in my life. Probably the worst moment in my son's life and there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to help. Not him, not his wife, not my grandson." I began to cry again. "Nothing, nothing, nothing."

"I don't even know what to say, honey. I don't have kids, so I can't imagine your pain right now. But I think I can at least understand the helplessness you spoke of. He's an adult, but he'll always be your kid. And his pain, Andi's pain, is your pain too. Please don't think badly of me, but would you like to make love?"

God yes!! I needed to feel. What, I confess, I wasn't actually sure. But maybe sex would ease my aching heart just a little bit, even if for a short time. Does that make any sense? Can anyone understand?

"Yes please, baby. I'd like that a lot. And take me any way you want. Any way!!"

I needed my Kara that night. And she gave herself to me, gently, passionately, and without reservation. She let me be rough with her when that's what I felt, and took me, several times, to heaven and back. I tried to give back to her as well, but she wouldn't hear of it. Oh, she took her pleasure as well. But that night was about her comforting me through the physical intimacy that lovemaking brings. I'll leave out the details, as that night was special, and just for my wife and I.

** November 26th, 2015 **

Lissy and Kara

Thanksgiving!! Our first major family holiday together. I'd called Nik and Karen and asked when they'd like dinner served.

"I think Nik would be better with an early afternoon time, if that doesn't conflict with any plans you may have."

I smiled. "Okay, would 2pm be all right?"

"Oh yes, that would be wonderful!! Can I bring anything?'

"If you have a special dish that you'd want to surprise us with, Karen, please bring it. I'm planning on having turkey, a big tossed salad, Kara makes a wonderful green bean dish, and I do wild rice. A family tradition."

"Oh, wonderful. I'll make my yellow turnip dish. Nik adores it." She laughed. "In fact, I may bring two dishes, one for him and one for the rest of us!" We both laughed.

"That sounds spectacular, Karen. I'll look forward to tasting your treat."

She sounded pleased. "Turnip, butter, garlic and onions. I've made it every Thanksgiving for the two of us. It will be a delight to make it for you, Kara, and Mick as well."

Isn't she just precious!!

The day came, and of course it snowed. Lots of snow. Street clogging, plan cancelling, heart attack shoveling snow. I was so worried about Nik and Karen. Mick asked if he could call and wish his Grandparents Happy Thanksgiving. Well of course!! He handed me the phone when he was finished.

"Honey, are you two okay out there? It's snowed like mad here." Karen laughed.

"We've had maybe an inch." ARGH! Chicago and it's fickle finger of weather.

"Oh, well good. Just be careful driving please. We've had a lot more than an inch. And please let us know when you're out front or something so we can come help you out and up to the sidewalk."

"Thank you, Lissy, but I'm sure we'll be fine." Said with a bit of a stiff back, if you follow.

We agreed that they'd be at our place around one, to share in some laughs and hugs.

And they did arrive in one piece, safe and sound.

We helped them out of their coats. Mick helped Karen out of her boots; Nik insisted on wrestling his off by himself. They had plastic bags with their 'indoor shoes.' We hung their coats over the backs of chairs and left boots nearby.

"The house smells fabulous, honey. I can't wait to see what dinner will be like."

We all had drinks. Mick a Coke, Nik a seven and seven, Karen Seven Up, and Kara and I our wine.

I let Mick give his Grandparents a tour of our home while Kara and I finished up preparing our feast.

Dinner was finally on the table and we all took our seats.

Nik said grace. and offered a toast afterward.

"Karen and I suffered a great loss not long ago, but we're so fortunate that our Mick is part of such a loving family, in the care of Lissy and Kara. God is truly good."

I looked at Kara, who had tears.

Mick looked a little uncomfortable with the mention of his Mom, but I think he was happy to be with his family.

"Thank you, Nik, that was beautiful. And thanks to God for our family. Kara and I are truly blessed."

Dinner was heavenly. Kara made a face when she tasted the yellow turnip, then her eyes perked up and she drove her fork in again, purring. Which is good. Everyone had their fill, and then some. And no one complained in the least of being hungry when we cleared the dishes and plates.

Apple pie ala mode for dessert produced some moans of protest, but everyone cleaned their plate.

That's enough detail. It was a lovely day. We helped Nik and Karen to their cars and she kissed both of us before she got in.

"Thanks to both of you for making this such a special holiday. Your home is lovely and dinner was delightful. And Mick only made it better." She made a bit of a face; I didn't need to ask why. Their daughter wasn't there to join us.

We hurried in out of the cold once they'd pulled away. Mick was waiting, yawning. We hustled him up to his room and he crawled into bed.

"Thank you Mommies. That was so cool. I liked having Grandpa and Gramma here with us. Thank you so much."

Kara kissed our son and said, "Sweetheart, it makes my heart sing to hear that you enjoyed it. We're so happy you're part of our lives." Tears!

"Night, night little guy. We love you so much. Our first Thanksgiving together. And I'm so happy you enjoyed the day."