Born on Third Base

Now my head was spinning. "Damn It Richard, we need that $25 Thousand!"

Richard let out his breath and began speaking to me as if I were a child. "Karen, not to make this too complicated Karen, but everything we have is being held in a Trust, our house, my car, your jewelry, all the convenience stores, etc. I get paid a salary from the Trust for managing the business, but an Executor manages the Trust and must approve any expenditures above a certain amount from the funds in the Trust."

I felt a headache coming on. "This sounds like a lot of crap Richard. How do I get my money?"

Richard sat back in his chair. "YOU can make your case to the Executor of the Trust. Only they have the authority to authorize an expenditure of that amount..."

"Fine, fine, fine.." I interrupted "Get the Executioner over here."

It is Executor Karen, not Executioner." Richard said, getting up and heading toward the door. As he reached the door Richard turned to me and growled sarcastically. "Oh, Karen, it is so sad to see how broken up you are about cheating on me and the end of our marriage. Well noted how you never even said you are sorry".

++++

Richard did not come home that night and neither did the kids. The next morning, I got a text from Richard that the Executor would be coming to the house that evening.

I spent the whole day with my girlfriend Teri going over what I needed, putting together a game plan to present to the Executor. I was still pissed off at having to kowtow down to some old stuffy old man to get MY own money.

I was not in the mood when I came into the house that evening and saw Richard out on our back porch with one of his Convenience store Managers along with a bunch of empty beer bottles.

Sliding open the glass patio door, I pointedly addressed Richard in a neutral tone, "Richard, may I see you inside for a moment." I purposely ignored his minion who did not seem to notice and was in the middle of finishing off a beer.

"Excuse me" Richard said to his beer drinking companion, who lit up a cigarette before Richard exited the patio while I closed the door behind him.

Richard just stood and stared at me, finally I spoke. "Richard, why is that old dyke here? You can deal with the garbage can or fucking trash issue at the Wilson Street Store another time. You told me the damn Executor is due to be here any time, so get rid of that bitch."

A smile creep across Richards face before he answered. "Sure Karen, I will ask that old dyke JoAnne to leave, but JoAnne is the Executor of the Trust, so you may want to get your Prison orange wardrobe ready after she leaves."

I was stunned and took another look outside as JoAnne lit up another cigarette out on our porch.

Richard continued. "... but Karen, maybe JoAnne can deal with the trash problem right here and take you with her when she leaves."

I ignored Richards dig, and pointed at JoAnne, who was helping herself to another beer. "Richard, please do not tell me you put all our money in the hands of an ancient chain-smoking dyke who manages a convenience store! "

Richard shook his head "Karen, did you know that JoAnne's partner ran one of the largest Investment firms in this part of the country before she died? "

I took another look at JoAnne. "I thought she was a retired schoolteacher you gave a job, just so she could make ends meet?"

Richard stifled a laugh. "Who do you think got me my first loan and structured the company so it could grow? Without those two, I would still be sleeping in the back room of my first store." He waved his hand. "By the way, JoAnne inherited her partners ½ of the firm and has more money than Midas. She just manages the stores for something to do."

I took another look at JoAnne sitting outside. She was dressed in worn denims and a flannel shirt, not anything special, with her feet encased in simple brand name running shoes. JoAnne would not have stood out on the deck of a double wide in a trailer park.

Clapping his hands, Richard said "Karen, you still want me to send that old dyke packing?"

I gave Richard a cold stare and picked up my Gucci briefcase full of papers and slid open the glass door to the patio.

****

JoAnne stubbed out her cigarette and hefted a thick book onto the patio table as Richard and I took our seats. "Karen, let me get a handle on who and how many you fucked to get us into this situation."

I felt my spine stiffen. "You do not need to be so crude."

Richard shook his head, and JoAnne looked at me over her glasses before answering. "Do you prefer whored yourself out?"

Ticking off his finger, Richard added "There is also Prostituting yourself, hooking..."

I slapped my hand on the table. "It was only one guy and I did not do it for money!"

"...okay, then slut seems to fit.." Richard finished.

JoAnne held up her hand. "Whatever princess, Richard gave me a rundown." She opened the thick book in front of her. "This is the University Yearbook from last year, can you point out the Admin guy you banged?"

I ignored her jab and looked over at the University Yearbook page with the title ADMINISSIONS STAFF with a row of pictures and titles.

After studying the pages for a few seconds, I looked up at JoAnne. "The guy I screw, ah...met, was the Admissions Director. But I do not see his picture."

JoAnne pointed at a picture of an older distinguished black man. "That is the Admissions Director, who also is the Faculty Chair of the University LGBT division. Been with his partner for almost three decades."

I pointed at the picture. "Well that was his name, but that is not the guys picture!"

"you sure that is not the guy?" JoAnne asked as she took back the yearbook and started flipping thru pages, when Richard chimed in "Karen, you sure you did not get him confused with some other guy you screwed for parking fees or a dorm room upgrade?"

I pretended not to notice Richards comment and exclaimed to JoAnne. "He was in the Head Admissions Office. That is where we Fuck... meet the first time."

Richard would not let it go. "Maybe, we can find a picture of something you recognize, like the ceiling tiles or we can compare the carpet pattern with rug burns on your knees."

JoAnne did not seem to be listening and found the page she was looking for; she turned the University Yearbook back toward me.

One face leapt out to me from the center of the page from a row of photos. "THAT'S HIM!" I yelled, jabbing my finger on the picture of a smiling middle-aged guy with a fat face and bad combover. "THAT is the guy that fuc...ah.. that I was with!"

Richard looked over my should and read the top of the page "Your University MAINTANIENCE STAFF", he then read the title under the picture. "Part Time janitorial staff junior apprentice."

I slumped back in my chair as JoAnne grinned and lit a cigarette. "Seems like you fucked the cleaning crew Princess."

Richard stood up and walked away from the table as I grabbed the book with both hands. "THAT, that CANNOT BE. We met in the Head Admissions office, he was sitting at the desk, he even made a phone call from the desk phone. How could he have gotten into the office? It is not possible!"

JoAnne blew a smoke ring into the air before answering. "When did you meet him? I bet it was in the late evening, right? A custodian would have master keys to the offices. Do you remember if there was a cleaning cart in the office at the time?"

I felt sick, as I recalled being so nervous, I bumped into a mop leaning on a cleaning cart right outside the office door.

JoAnne shook her head, taking back the book when I did not answer. "I thought so."

Richard returned to plop into the chair farthest from me. "Well done, Karen you fucked over your marriage by fucking a cleaning con man."

JoAnne gave Richard a look. "You got something against cleaning people? Would it be better if your wife fucked the football team?"

Richard shrugged, "Maybe Karen did fuck the football team, we only have her word she did not. For all I know Karen has been cocked more times them John Wayne's rifle in a movie western" Richard rubbed his temples "I've scrubbed enough toilets and cleaned up enough puke at the stores to have a healthy respect for what janitorial people do. I do not have any respect for what Karen did."

I barely heard their exchange as my anger built up while staring at that assholes picture in the Yearbook.

JoAnne put out her cigarette before speaking. "Karen, good news is the feds do not put you in jail for being a stupid slut. I spoke to a pal of mine in the legal community and he told me it is not illegal to be a dumbass, otherwise all of Congress would be in prison."

I had enough of the insults and lashed out at JoAnne. "A pal in the legal community? What some loser clerk at the court, that comes into the store for a coffee refill! That is who I am gonna take legal advise from? Screw that! I need that $25,000 for a REAL lawyer!"

JoAnne look amused before she answered. "Well my pal does come in for a coffee refill a lot of times but being Dean of the University Law School keeps him pretty busy. You know that University you were screwing people for admissions?"

That statement shook me, and I sat back. "You mean Dean of the University Law School? The same Dean who Presidents use to vet candidates for the Supreme court?"

JoAnne took a swig of her beer bottle before answering. "Well that is what he does now. But back when I met him, the Dean was just a nerdy freshman kid with a stutter, that I fixed up with my roommate. I think that was the first time he ever got laid. They are gonna be married 42 years next fall" She tapped the picture in the yearbook. "Some of the University Custodial staff are customers, so I asked about your side dick guy. Seems he has more dick in his personality then he does in his pants. You are not the first MILF he has banged with this scam. "

Shooting up from the chair, I yelled "That SON OF A BITCH! I'll have his ASS!"

Richard just laughed "He fucked your ass, so it seems fair you get his" He turned toward JoAnne "Was Karen's fuck buddy into getting pegged?"

JoAnne ignored Richard as she addressed me. "Sit down Princess, you are not the first MILF this pig has porked, and he has got his wording down pat. I bet he told you he worked in the Head Admissions Office, which is true, he did clean the office. He said he would do whatever was in his power to get your brood into the University, which is zero power. Tell me, Karen who suggested the Suck & Fuck for admissions. You or Him?"

I slumped down in the chair. "He never came right out, but it was damn well implied!"

Suddenly, a realization popped into my head, like a light switch being thrown. "But if that asswipe did not pull any strings to get the Justine and Alan into the University..."

Richard interrupted "That's right, Karen the twins made it on their own. You, however, have just made a mess of your marriage." He nodded at JoAnne.

JoAnne reached into a well-worn large purse by her side, pulling out a manila folder she dropped in front of me. "Karen, those are divorce paper, you have been served."

I recoiled from the bundle as if it were a live snake.

"Richard, please, let's not rush into anything. Now that I do not have the threat of jail hanging over my head, we can work on our marriage."

Richard shook his head. "You never worked a day in your life. Besides, I am not fucking stupid" He looked over at JoAnne "I mean, I used to be, but we are getting divorced."

+++++++

I thought I would give Richard a few days to cool down and he would drop the divorce. But Richard disappeared for the rest of the week. He would not take my phone calls or texts.

I bet the twins were still in contact with their Dad, and I needed them to get a message to Richard.

After a few days of chasing Justine and Alan with no luck, I made them come to me by blocking their cars in the driveway then pulling the power plug on the house Wi-Fi thingie.

Now faster then politicians coming to lobbyists for donations, both Alan and Justine came out of hiding holding their iPads.

"MOM" they both wailed, "The internet is down!"

Holding up the Wi-Fi thingie power cord in my hand. "I will turn your almighty internet back on, but I need you to get a message to your father."

Alan shrugged. "We are gonna see Dad tomorrow at the State campus."

Looking at Alan, I asked "Why are you meeting your Father on the campus at State?

This time Justine answered. "Dad is going to help Alan and I go over the dorm rooms we are going to stay in at the State Campus this fall."

"Wait, Wait, Wait", I said, reaching to Justine. "What is this nonsense, about you two going to State this Fall? You both are scheduled to be enrolled at one of the best Universities in the country this fall."

Alan rolled his eyes. "Seriously MOM? Justine and I could never go to that University now, we both declined their offer and are all set at State."

This time I did grab Justine by the shoulders. "Why I am just hearing about this now? And you both listen good, you are BOTH going to the University. You both busted you ass to get this far to quit now."

Not even bothering to hide the distain in his voice Alan said "No Mom, you are the one that got her ass busted"

Justine added. "Or was it someone busting a nut in your ass Mom?"

Letting go of Justine, I took a step back. "Look, you two, if I could rub a lamp for a Genie to make this all go away I would."

Justine snorted "You sure you would not be rubbing other parts of the Genie for your wish?"

I moved to slap Justine, but Alan grabbed my hand and growled, "Sorry train Wreck, this is not your station."

Pulling back my hand, I tried to keep from yelling. "Everything I did, I did for you."

Justine turned her back as Alan said "NO! Not only you did not have any faith in us, you thought we were stupid, not only just stupid, but CRIMINALLY STUPID!"

"That is not True" I spat "No charges have been filed."

Justine threw up her hands. "How soon do you think it is before that janitor you fucked goes on TMZ. Or has your pictures on a Porn site based overseas?"

"Maybe you do not care Mom, but Justine and I do really not wish to be known on the University campus as the kids so stupid that their Mommy had to whose prostitute herself to get them admitted." Alan added.

"To be fair Alan" Justine smirked, "Mom may not have always been a prostitute..."

"Justine, Alan" I interrupted "You must understand it was a one-time mistake. You must believe me."

Alan shook his head "You're already lying, we know you screwed around on Dad twice with just that University janitor guy." He pointed at Justine. "Now we did not know if every achievement, triumph or accomplishment we did, was on our own, or due to you banging every Teacher, Science Fair Judge, and Karate Instructor we ever had."

I sat down, "I don't know how this has spun so out of control. It was always my dream to see you two go to the University."

Alan kneeled to plug back in the Wi-Fi thingie. "You do know Mom, that a nightmare is still a dream."

++++++++

The Divorce was a moving forward, no matter how much I tried to delay it.

I spoke to Richard only one time during the entire process, when I caught him going into the lawyer's office.

"Richard" I said, grabbing his sleeve. "I have been calling you!"

Richard looked down at me, "Yeah, I watched it ring."

Clinching his sleeve harder I pleaded "You know, you should have called me back, we could have avoided all this."

He shook his head. "Well, I lost your number. Must have happened when I hit delete."

I let go of his arm, trying a different tactic. Using my most sultry voice I whispered. "The kids tell me you have just been working." I looked around, before tracing my finger on his chest. "I still think about you and touch myself."

Richard gave me a sly smile, "When I think about you, I touch myself, too" His mouth harden into a frown. "Then I rub my temples, because the mere thought of you gives me a fucking headache."

With that, Richard left me open mouthed, disappeared into the building.

++++++++

It had been a year since I had last spoke to Richard. Today I was sitting in a coffee shop with my best friend Terri.

"So, Karen, how did it go with the twins today?" Terri asked.

I took a sip of my coffee "They are still mad at me. They were right, and while that asshat University Janitor did not appear on TMZ once the story broke, he did sell his sordid tale to another slimy Tabloid TV-Internet-Magazine conglomerate. Last night they were rerunning the story again."

Terri shook her head "So you got relive what Andy Warhol called '15 minutes of Fame' again as a featured part of the group of 'Admission Couch MILFs'?"

"Yes" I said looking around to make sure no one recognized me. "Of course, all that accomplished was upsetting the kids again, and to draw attention to the damn porn site once more."

Terri stifled a laugh "I think you were a bit drastic changing both your hair style and color. It is not as if anyone was looking at your face in the videos." I flipped Teri the finger as she continued "So, Karen how goes your battle of getting restitution from your janitor twerp?"

I shook my head "It just adds insult to injury, all my attempts to get some measure of revenge on that dickwad University Janitor has either been laughed out of every lawyers office, or the damn attorneys want an upfront sum of that even King Midas would paled at."

Terri put down her coffee cup. "I would not expect help from the Feds. They said guys have been telling lies trying into ladies' panties since before ladies were wearing panties. If it were a crime to lie to get laid, we would have no guys outside of prison." She laughed. "At least you are not having to pay a lawyer."

I nodded "True, seems that dyke bitch JoAnne was right about my own legal exposure. Are you sure this is not going to come back and bite me in the ass?"

Terri reached out and touched my hand "Relax Karen, one of the guys at my firm used to go to school with a guy on the Fed team handling the University 'Varsity Blues' case. The Feds did not even care about you, let alone want to talk to you. I know it is harsh, but as far as they are concerned, your situation is nothing more than a stupid slut MILF office joke. "

I took a deep breath, putting a fake smile on my face as I tried to think of an answer. The Divorce was a disaster, the Trust was pretty much judgement proof and JoAnne had an iron grip on its finances.

Sighing, I recalled having to move in with Terri, as my house reverted to the Trust, but the meager alimony did not allow me to contribute much to the upkeep. I could feel the strain on my friendship with Terri, and finally I took up JoAnne on her offer of a job. It was not my dream job, but it allowed me to afford my own small condo.

"Well at least you have moved on" Terri said.

I half nodded "Well, I am now plugged into the company gossip grapevine, and it seemed every time Richard visits a store every divorcee and single lady finds a desperate need for an overpriced half gallon of milk while wearing the most reveling of outfits. Even some of the female employees were making a run at Richard." Waving my hand, I continued. "I think JoAnne got a demented pleasure in her offhand comments about Richard and some University professor he is seeing."

Terri bit her lip. "Yeah, I saw them together, she is a former swimmer at the University. I think she got a Bronze medal in the Olympics a few years ago. "

I shook my head. "Of course, she did" then added "Damn bitch looks like she could still fit into her swimsuit."

Terri must have seen my discomfort because she broke into a smile. "Enough about that stuff. How is your new place shaping up?"