All Comments on 'Brainy Teen Ch. 17'

From skimming through the pages, I think your dialogue could do with some improving. It sounds really stilted in that one character is just responding to the other's previous statement/question without you showing the reader what they're thinking or doing during the conversation. It's pretty easy to improve on, though. Here's an example:

--

"You've been working hard, why don't you take the rest of the day off?" My boss said.

"Uh, no thanks, I'm good." I said.

Can turn into

My boss walked into my office and leaned against the door while narrowing his eyes at me and said, "Look's like you've been working hard, Frank, why don't you take the rest of the day off?"

The sound of him loudly closing my door snapped my attention away from the Solitaire game on the monitor, and my mind raced to find something to say. "Uh, no thanks, I'm good."

---

See how adding the character's actions and thoughts to their dialogue can give the reader a better idea of how a character is reacting to another's statement? Try practicing using action tags to describe what a character is doing before/after saying something, it makes a world of a difference.

Anyway, I'll get to reading your story soon. Good luck with your future writing.

I appreciate your constructive criticism.

Took u long enough! There's really only one thing about this series that I don't like and it's the longggggggg wait time for the next part! But I am glad that ur still going with this:)

First I have to say I like the plot a lot but it’s getting a bit boring because it’s going round and round and too much repetition. It doesn’t help that there are so many typos.