All Comments on 'Breadwinner'

Assuming that there will be more to this story then I loved it. If it ended this way then I hate it. I'm giving it a 5 because it is well written and grabs me to want more. Thanks DQS

Neville Chamberlain used flowery language to excuse British appeasement to Hitler. It did no good -- Britain got war despite the appeasement. Here we have a similar credibility problem. Yes, the prose was excellent. But the characters resemble the Tooth Fairy with respect to believability. No man would sign the waiver short of water boarding or similar torture. Even corrupt officials charged a Kennedy family member, not to mention John Edwards, so being rich and connected won't protect you in a blatant situation. The plot fails the smell test -- i.e., I dislike the bad aroma, so two stars only. Would have been one star but for the good writing.

And he'd still but passage on the Lusitiana too I suppose. Some things should remain thoughts. To muck with her life and the 3d party, not a bad thing, and him move forwars the best possible way.

You are an excellent writer and your stories do flow rather well. Ignore the haters as that's what they do best. I'd like to see this story expanded.

And there is nothing wrong with bringing characters from your other stories into your future stories. It gives the characters more character if that makes any sense.

Reading this story started me seething, but eventually I calmed down enough to think.

I had to put myself into the mind of these authors to try and cypher out how they thought of stories. (I briefly considered sitting athwart a bag of ice for three hours with a ziptie around my scrotum [story idea for MM and DQS provided gratis] but used milder methods in the end)

There is one overarching theme or premise in a MM and DQS story which tricks readers into thinking they are the same. As pointed out before in G and S 6, they are different but the theme is the same.

"Love is uncontrollable and never dies."

In almost every single one of the tales, this is the theme. Now, if a couple loves each other, this theme is meaningless. There is no conflict so there is no story. But both MM and DQS explore the tragedy of 'what happens if Love is only one way'? For reasons which directly relate to the catagory (the misnamed 'loving wives'), the woman never suffers under the indignity of endless love...or if she does, it is a mild case of the disease.

Enter Debbie, Gail and pretty much every woman in a DQS story. Everyone of them has her love and respect for her man fade away. He becomes the man farting next to her in the bed, not the knight in shining (golden) armor that she demands, never once considering that she might be a bit of a disappointment too. (Self reflection is not a big feature in any of his/their...heroines? Villainesses? SADISTS!)

To be fair to Matt, his women are never actually in love with his victims. They have a certain fondness for them, like one has for a stray mongrel found which is entertained and enjoyed until it starts to widdle on the sofa. Then out it goes! But the stray/victim/person with a small male genetive organ always falls head over heels in love with the Sadist. And like the stray who sits in front of a fire full, the MM victim, havinng been between the legs of Paradise, will do anything to get back there no matter the personal price.

Which leads to the major problem with this premise. It treats love as irrational and overriding all other emotions (not to mention any higher brain functions)

And like any other type of 'play' such as role playing and BDSM, if everyone isn't on board, it quickly gets weird., evil or laughable.

So those of us who look at love as a choice, or A specific factor in assessing our relationships, instead of the ONLY factor in decision making, it makes us question the wisdom (and in some cases sanity) of the people involved.

Because frankly, in this case, it isn't love. It might be martyrdom on his part, or hope that by his gesture, she'll see that he was the REAL relationship, but I can't imagine there is 'love' involved.

and there was a reason for this drivel?

First Matt, then 'oops! I did it again' stangstar. Bob Nobbilli, where are you? vacationing across the pond with UKresearcher?

Look at the people. A self proclaimed ugly(ok, unattractive) male proclaiming his 'love'. Proof: I get erections on the deathbed. And she: That much 'love' is not enough. I need at least 10".

Do these people exist? Very much. In high school and Jerry Springler show.

You laugh at them not analyze. FD45, BTTAP and others! spend your time better about your future stories. We get the benefits.

Its impossible for a man to sign that... unless there is a hidden agenda(he wants her to go away and he will do the dirty job with her boyfriend later...)

I know people are blind by love, and some let others abuse them, but...

Pussy, haha

This is so bad it has to be DQS making fun of himself. He put most of his lamest stuff from his other stories and stuck them in this POS. Well played! I hope this shows that you have learned from your mistakes and will resolve not to repeat them again in future stories.

Here is a few of the repeats: husband saves stacked blonde wife from gang. Wife cheats on husband and confesses in the worst way. Wife causes husband intentional pain but husband still loves her. Husband cries.

No man would sign Gail's papers: his revenge would be taken care of by the state. If Robert can't have his wife, neither will the other guy. The other guy will know that Gail will be cheating on him while he is in the slammer. This story is so unrealistic that it has to be a parody. Thanks for writing! 1 star.

It takes a profound talent to destroy an aspiring franchise of writing. Even more so to do so in short a venue. However, DQS once again proves his talent is unmatched.

How do I hate this story? Let me count the ways.

First, we need to start at the money quote: the single statement which destroys not only this story, but most of the characters in WWWM, Ghosts and Shadows, and the entire city of Jacksonville.

***

"One embarrassing little glitch has occurred. There was a freelance camera crew invited by the Gilyardes. You know they were going to get that Community Appreciation Award for helping the homeless at the party that night. Well, maybe you didn't know, but they wanted a video log and-"

He couldn't help laughing.

"Oh God, don't tell me. They actually filmed the assault."

"Every bit, from beginning until they took your battered body out of there."

"So what's the problem? Your family alone has enough clout and money to bury it, doesn't it?"

Gail took out a solid gold pen. It had been a graduation present from her grandfather and had once belonged to Theodore Roosevelt.

"I won't go into details, but it wound up in the hands of Molly Davenport. You know, she's the flaming left wing liberal 'nut job' who is always being quoted in Folio about how terrible and corrupt Jacksonville and Northeast Florida is. She's planning on running against the State Attorney next time and she's hidden the video after making copies. Which means that, although State Attorney Edwards, being an old and good friend of our family, would normally not push it, he won't have any choice in this matter. In any case, that assistant of his, Maitland, handles day-to-day operations.

"Again, normally, I'd just hand this mess over to Hugh and he would make it go away. However, Hugh checked into things and Maitland has a bad case of integrity. Hugh really doesn't think we can buy him, he won't scare, and Edwards is fond of him and wouldn't let anything happen to him.

"Now, Maitland is married to Debbie Maitland. You probably remember her. I know you could never keep your eyes off her tits. I could have asked her to talk to her husband, but Hugh said that might just make things worse. So, Hugh hasn't really been able to come up with any way to make this all go away. Unless..."

***

Let us get rid of the political slam, which I normally eschew, but because it's you, DQS, I'll make an exception: It seems that only a 'flaming liberal left wing nut job' would be offended by the events at this party, and even she seems to relish it only for the political potential . Certainly no Conservative would be offended or believe in the rule of law. Fuck you very much, DQS.

Next we get to Hugh. Remember Hugh? That sixty year old guy we all cried over when his wife so thoughtlessly fucked him over, while we excoriated him for being so wimpy? Well, the steel in his spine that was told to us(but never shown) showed up here. This guy who wouldn't THINK of messing with his wife's lover is FUCKING TALKING ABOUT SUBORNING THE FUCKING LEGAL SYSTEM. He has no problem buying off all these people to cover over this 'sordid little thing'. Hugh broke bread with the victim. He probably spent Christmases with him. Maybe shared the occassional beer and wings over a game. Remember that Hugh? The one who was SO FUCKING CONCERNED about Loyalty?

Yes, he is going out of his way to spiritually rape this man he called, if not friend, but friend of a friend.

But wait, there's MORE! It seems that knocking off Maitland (remember him?) from WWWM was actually seriously considered, and only dismissed when the political fall out was discussed and how Edwards PROBABLY couldn't be bought off on something like that.

FUCK YOU HUGH! I hope your wife cheats on you again!

Then we have Edwards. Remember him? The pragmatic DA who, while a bit gray around the edges, in the end had a heart of gold? He's more then happy to allow a friends fucktoy to almost paralyze someone as a personal favor and when that proves difficult, goes out of his way to suborn perjury.

FUCK YOU EDWARDS! I hope you lose.

But wait, there's MORE!

Debbie, who is a cunt, a major cunt, STILL had a moral center. She loved her kids, she (sort of) loved her ex, she wouldn't allow her boytoy slam her ex and there seemed to be limits on how depraved she'd behave. She only jacked off men while she was married, and insisted on a divorce before she fucked around. But the Mammary Sisterhood seems to trump all that and it was expected that Gail could talk Debbie into asking her husband to allow a human being to be beaten half to death as a personal favor.

FUCK YOU DEBBIE!

But wait, theres's STILL MORE!

Snooty McSnootersville, the club was filled with people who saw this assault. You know, rich people (We won't mention the waiters, staff, hangers on, escorts etc). People whom Gail couldn't buy. Doctors. Lawyers., Judges. Executives. Hard asses with power who depend on a strong rule of law to function. Does a single fucking one of them help a guy whom they socially interacted with for TEN FUCKING YEARS? NOPE! Not a SINGLE FUCKING ONE! Never mind the threats to their careers if Bobby names a single name or gets them in a deposition.

EVERY ONE OF THEM LET HIM BLEED ON THE FLOOR AND TURNED THEIR BACK!

Ditto the hosptial staff. Not a single one showed any spine. Not a single doctor or administrator stands up. Nobody!

Remember those two lovable tough guys? The ones who held Hugh's hand as he cried? The gay guy and the black guy (?) Yeah...those nicely established characters. The LEG BREAKERS of Gail. The ones probably picked to off Maitland.

FUCK THEM!

FUCK MOLLY, who could STILL ruin the whole deal if Channel Six showed the video.

Does anything ANYTHING professional or personal happen to Gail as a result of her fucking peers seeing her boytoy physically rape a human being and cover it up for him? NOPE! Is she ostracized? NOPE! (Well, maybe. It would make sense that Hugh and her thugs are her only friends anymore, because I'd be FUCKED RAW before I wasted spit on that cunt if I saw this. Granted, that is a nuanced and balanced view of the situation and we can't actually work on the story. Let's be patronizing and lazy instead...)

I don't normally vote any more. Dworknock made it a mockery. But I have to on this one. You are BETTER THEN THIS! I don't know what's going on. It seems as if DQS, MM and a few others are in a contest to create the most offensive woman on the planet. Well, you get my vote! And you essentially ruined a hell of a lot of your characters as a result.

went berserk sucking cocks and had to have its wings clipped - poor thing then started licking ass, sad sick shit

I really enjoy your writing. But WHY did you bother with this????

i thought it was written fairly well and authentic as far as a real world application. at the end it justifies why he signed the papers. i on the other hand wouldnt have or sign it daffy duck or something to make her think its signed.(LOL) i would have been a royal asshole where she was concerned even if i hadnt tried to get any kind of payback after everything that happened. though to be honest i would have wanted to beat the two friends the same way they did him and her lover even worse just to do it. make her lose all her money taking care of him along with legal fees. since she loves him so much.

anyway, looking forward to your next submission. thanks for sharing.

FD5! That was some honorable fury!

I respect the author.

I HATE the story.

But one positive: Richard Kelly has been redeemed from POS to quirky individual. But that is based on a sudden change in the grading scale...

Since leaving the bitch when he said he went out to LA he was actually down in San Diego hanging out with a bunch of Navy Seals. He signed those papers because he wants the bad guys nice and comfortable and where he can find them.

Hell hath no fury like a cuckold scoured and beaten within a inch of his life.

Really you over analyzed this scene, and that was all it was. An entertaining scene. Or as we say in the south, just for shits and giggles.

Somebody who got serious injury and his vertebres were broken and ALMOST HIS SPINAL CORD WAS CUT AND HE almost COULD HAVE BECOME QUADROPLEGIC, that person in such hospital where his cheating wife's company donates it, that person can think to be wise signing that DAMN PAPER. If his arms or legs only would have been broken, he could have refused that DAMN PAPER to be signed and he could have been macho! What a difference broken vertebrates near to be lame and only broken legs, arms................

On the positve side: Well written. Sorry, that's all I've got. Well written.

WWWM showed contrast and fleshed out most characters. While this is more of a flash story and can't be very multi-dimensional, there is nothing redeeming about her (even knowing her realtionship from Hugh's story). Yeah, he loves her. But all those of us who are (or were) married, know that love and hate are just so close together that it's unreasonable he would sign those papers. Indifference is the opposite extreme and he would not be capable of that. Sorry, doesn't ring true.

As always, thanks for sharing your stories. Even when we can't buy into the premise, you're a great read.

You'll find yourself dragged under a bridge and crowned if you carry on like this. The author's skill here is to have flung our emotions a long way off centre only so that he can impact on us harder when he leads us to the eventual revenge. Don't worry, it'll be so cruel as to make us weep for humankind..

And a sequel of course. Please..saying you don't want that is like telling this author not to write anymore. What have we come to. 5*

Sorry this one missed the mark, actually missed the target altogether!

Loved the author and his characters, but this story went too far. Where she was a sympathetic character in the last story, this one makes her out to be a cold, unfeeling, indifferent, scheming bitch who is unlikeable in every way. Don't respect your husband and let him be beat within an inch of his life? Visit him in his hospital bed and all the emotion you can show is fo the guy who nearly killed him? Shame on the author.

please let there be more.

more DQ drivel?

Yup, the attention whore is back, with a vengeance.

Nothing else is new.

Yawn. No vote.

You enjoy watching this don't you Q?

I agree with some views on the over the top characters at times. Very simple conversations within some of the long term relationships in your works would solve most of the drama you so easily and superbly create...... but then,....no story.

So I thank you in showing us little glimpses of things..... often starting in the middle of your ideas that show us the growth that happens to these people you create.

It's interesting to see how you work your way with each character and how well thought out the major players are in your head for your stories. You show the learning curve of your individuals very well.

Thank you

TigerDan

Big tittied sluts and dumb wimpy men

Stone cold crap warmed and served

again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and...oh I get it DQS did it to us again!

You're rapidly approaching Stang06-ian levels for endless repetitive sameness.

Boredom is a crime NO good writer should commit and this crap is just plain boring.

Ok, so now that so many of you have said how much it is like all his other stories and how boring they all are, why would you read another one? I think it was very well written, certainly more literate than alot of stories on this site. Now I'm going to go read a couple more by DQ and am sure I will enjoy them too.

A good snapshot of a storyline.

I'd really like to read his side of the story, and perhaps for him to get a little even with her.

Thanks for the good read.

What a load of crap, is this one going to lead to thousands of pages of drivel as well?

When I read "Moment of clarity", I was hooked,as I'm sure many were. It was the execution, not the plot, which got me. Anyway, at the end I felt sorry for both, more for the wife, in fact. The fact that she chose to have children with one whom she admire, not one made her scream. However, Husband, a college professor, walks out; we could sympathize with him.

Then the "Last goodbye" came I thought, it was a fun read.

From "Dream wife" onwards a steady escalation; pushing further and further. Both, husbands and wives were getting less and less likeable. Aside from the out of plot court episodes, WWWM was a yawn. I didn't even read "Miracle". Mostly repetitive.

Do you think you can try something like:

dangerouslydead - Lost in a Lonely World

rpsuch - The First Silence

johngalt47 - Watercolors

leapyearguy - Never Too Late

Some I liked, May be, easy to try!

If you are up for challenge, try and and better SirThopas - Mad Dog and the Dream.

For what it is worth, your stories were good reads.

Good luck with your future attempts.

I have always tried to stay out of the comments section,although Lord knows I've failed at times, but I felt this was a good time to step in with a few. First off, I'm a little surprised at how badly this story was received, but I understand it on second thought. I wanted to arouse emotions, make you feel the pain that Robert Sandler was undergoing at the lowest point in his life, and apparently a lot of you did.

A lot of readers expect every story to have a conclusion where right is triumphant and evildoers are punished, and that didn't happen here. But again, this wasn't a story. It was a scene, a sketch from a longer story. Readers can express their displeasure with an unfinished story, but it was one I wanted to write and so I did.

But the main reason for posting this comment is that FD45 wrote a lengthy post about how "breadwinner" basically destroyed most of the characters from WWWM and "Ghosts and Shadows." And he's not alone. I got the same reaction from another reader in an email. And this guy is a fan and he usually likes what I write, but he felt betrayed by the actions of Hugh Davidson from "Ghosts and Shadows" and even State Attorney Travis Edwards.

In his words, people felt sorry for Davidson and now we find out he is the kind of man who can consider bribing or even knocking off a public official (Maitland) at the will of his boss, Gail Hunt. And he can turn on and betray Robert Sandler, a man he'd known for years and probably broken bread with. And good old Travis Edwards instead of being the straight arrow he's portrayed as in WWWM is just another corrupt politician in the service of the powerful and the wealthy.

Those are understandable criticisms, but I don't think they're valid. As I wrote, people feel sympathy for Hugh Davidson because they're been inside his head and seen how he was devastated by his wife's betrayal. With few exceptions they never learn much about his job. I left clues that Davidson is a hard headed business man, a troubleshooter, a fixer, a man who can destroy people's lives, maybe kill off whole towns, when it's his job. I don't think anyone above the age of 18 really doubts that very wealthy and powerful people like the Hunts can and do use law and money and force to get their way. And I don't think people like the Hunts ever think of themselves as bad people.

Is Travis Edwards a corrupt politician? Again, depends on how you define corrupt. Do I think he would do favors for friends or contributors? Of course. Do I think he would cast a blind eye on murder? I doubt it. But there is every indication that the Senior Hunt, Gail's grandfather, was a very good friend of Edwards going back many years. Do I think politicians and prosecutors let personal relationships sway them? Of course I do. I've had the advantage of reporting on and watching politicians at work and play, and they're just people.

FD even slams Debbie because Gail considered going to her to sway Maitland. But, Hugh never did. So Debbie is guilty of nothing except what people already hate her for and being Gail Hunt's friend.

I don't think I'm a cynic. But I am a realist and that viewpoint pervades my writing. In my entire time on this earth, I've never met or known a real life Saint. There are, of course, monsters, but most bad people are still people and capable of surprising you with good deeds for no good reason.

So, summing up, I don't think anything in 'breadwinner' shows either Davidson or Travis Edwards as anything other than flawed, mortal human beings. Even Bill Maitland, whom many readers held in high esteem, was only a flawed human being as capable to making mistakes as anyone else.

Finally, I've tried to stay away from politics, but I didn't intend to make a political statement in Breadwinner. Gail Hunt is, of course, a conservative. No surprises there. So the lady who acquired the incriminating photos would in her mind be a left wing liberal wacko. But I have lived in Jacksonville, and Folio is definitely a left wing alternative publication.

Not that there's anything wrong with that....:)

First, thanks for submitting. The criticisms of the story were predictable. I don't condescend to folks who shuffle papers in a cubicle and I honestly hope they never see any of the things we see on a daily basis in law enforcement, emergency services, and criminal courts.

That being said, many "bad" people who deserve punishment are free and many "good" innocent people are hurt. Every day. Every single person who cried in the comments is justified based on the sheltered lives in which they live. Every person who sees the unjust realities of life did not get tripped up by this plot but instead appreciated the actual writing which was, as usual, top notch.

hundred of words and not a single explanation how you could fuck up basic rules of writing. This has NOTHING to do with evil people getting away with it .

its not about BIG titted women

Its not about liberals or conservatives

and it not about the rich and powerful "getting away with it in real life"

POINT #1 YOU write this story... Not I .. YOU did

POINT #2 In YOUR story you told a tale of unspeakable acts of marriage cruelty

POINT #3 You have the husband or ex husband speak with Fierce determiantion to fight back to NOT Accept this ....to finally use his leverage ( the video).

POINT #4 then 5 paragraphs later he signs of his s lverage AFTER the wife tells him how she loves fucking the other guy.

dude this is Not brain surgery.... You simply did not explain how the husband goes from "die you evil self centered heartless bitch

to

"yes dear. what ever you say"

that is why the story sucks .

On second thought may be you are this stupid.

And, I thought he did so well. He didn't bother to explain/justify the hero's change of heart in re: the release. I couldn't believe that he would do it to set her free to be with the prick she now thought she was in love with; out of his own love for her. I tend to think he was mind-fucking her on a very deep level. Ultimately, his motivation, much like the wife's motivations in G&S, is still unclear after this scene.

Other things are still unclear: how did the alleged emotional affair fit in? Was there any more contact between the hubby and wife in this tale between this scene and the shipboard meeting? Is there a future for these two? How did hubby go from broken (literally) man to millionaire in a few short years? These are things that interest me, and could make for a good, longer tale. But, the absolutely horrible way Gail treated this man leaves any possibility of reconciliation an absurd proposition, so what's the point? Again, I think it is an interesting travesty, but not worthy of a detailed telling by DQS's talented hand.

I understood that this story was just a scene. We knew what was going to happen later from the other story. The scene was completely ridiculous. Robert was badly beaten in front of lots of people who knew that he was wronged by a cheating wife and her lover and his thug friends. Someone would have dropped a dime on her.

Robert could have been killed. At the time of Gail's visit, no one knows how or if he would recover. The idea that Robert would sign off on having charges dropped against her lover is impossible after she goes into detail about her fucking him. DQS has descended into MM territory. He is trying to make his stories powerful by having the good husband pissed on by the cheating wife. It is getting old. DQS is a good enough writer to come up with new story lines. He is choosing to repeat the same one even when it is usually completely unrealistic.

DQS' comment about Hugh's super human power to destroy people, officials, and towns is inconsistent with the Hugh who couldn't even complete a phone call or pass an email message to his ex-wife.

I hope to read more from DQS but if he continues to write stories with gratuitous humiliation of anyone, I'll have to move on.

The man who shook hands with Robert in the NYE party and who watched Richard while swearing not to cross a line, who couldn't fuck around on his wife out of loyalty is not the same man who discusses offing ADA's and carving up a friend's soul on the say so of someone exhibiting gross DISloyalty.

So the Hugh charcter is ruined. He is a low form of moral degenerate.

Edwards is still tarnished. Sorry. There are favors "Look...we can plead him down to 30 days and we get it off his record in three years" and there are favors "How can I help you bury the bodies?" Particularly when the favor was such a gross and flaggrant violation with video evidence.

Debbie? A bridge too far. She isn't ruined...more then she already is. It was a hypothetical. I'm wrong.

Where are the ten righteous people in the club, the hospital, the city? Are we talking Jacksonville or Sodom?

I like your stuff to. Just not this. Not because it's a scene. Not because we haven't seen the whole story. Not because it was badly written. But because it ruined a hell of a lot of characters. Why not have Lew draw up the documents and have Lyle drop them off, snickering all the while?

Gail and Hugh aren't 'flawed' in this story. They are evil. And Edwards, who has enough details about it, is abetting it.

This story is a lot like Ghost et al in that the male character is, simply put, "boring." Sandler seems to lack anything that people could use to say he has achieved which is significant compared, for example, with Bill Maitland who everyone: men and women, rich and poor, good and bad respect. The leading man in Ghosts seems much the same as the husband in Ghosts. He is employed by the Hunt Bank whose boss was Gail (in this story Sandler's wife). I even forgot his name but I'll always remember Bill Maitland's name.

I do like the way in which DQS brings this story in with his other stories. That's working quite well. But, again, the males in this story and in Ghosts: they were born with silver spoons in their mouths.......... but what did they achieve during their lives.?

I have to agree with Harry on this one. Where do you come up with these women? And these men? How can a man in 5 minutes give in so easily? Believe it or not, big tits and fine ass don't have the affect on men once they grow out of their adolescent stage. Also, once the initial mystery is removed, the affect lessens the longer we are exposed to their goods. We see these women for what they are... just a woman. So what if they have a fine figure... I'll choose a queen of hearts over a queen of diamonds every time.

Gail even said it in the end... She had lost all respect for him because she could manipulate him so easily. If he would have still refused to sign, and would have stayed his own man, it would have shown she was wrong about him. Just maybe he would have gained back a little of the respect he lost long ago.

But don't get me wrong. I love your work. It was well written like always. Maybe it would be good not to make every relationship with bitch verses wimp husband dynamic.

I would say more but why waste the time?

I think that we see a pattern here.

After reading all of the other comments, including what DQS1 himself had to say in response, several thoughts have come to mind. You still have to write a good story even if what you write is put together technically correct in every regard. The audience always has a right to say, “you know this story or in this case, this story fragment, just isn’t very good.”

DQS1 always gets plenty of praise for his writing ability on this website. Based upon the feedback given to his stories, it seems that he certainly is considered one of the very best authors who publishes here. Even on this story, some of the comments start off by giving him praise for his writing abilities. I have no quarrel with any of that. And on that criteria alone, DQS1 is a very accomplished writer (at least as writers go on this website).

Unfortunately, that is not all that is required for telling a story. I practice law for a living. A large part of my job requires that I review legal documents. In those documents I see plenty of good grammar, good spelling, good sentence and paragraph structure. I see plenty of good persuasive writing aimed to win arguments and pull on the emotional heart strings of the intended audience. But alas, not all of those documents win the day. Sometimes they just do not tell a story that is good enough to win despite all of the great technical attributes that they contain.

The criticism in all of the comments on this story has little to do with what DQS1 does best which is the technical aspects of writing. The criticism here is that the story (or the scene from a larger epic, heaven help us) just isn’t any good. There are no sympathetic characters to care anything about. Characters that we thought were pretty good folks from other stories that DQS1 has written turn out to be real shit heads in their own right. Stories that we have previously read from DQS1 we now have reason to like a little less.

In Breadwinner we have the standard cuckold wimp husband living at the mercy of a beautiful and vicious bitch of a wife who tortures and humiliates her helpless and often times irrational spouse. Let’s not forget also that this story is another one of those documentary/back stories like Paul and Paula that has no ending beyond the glimpse given into the later lives of the principle characters somewhere in another story. Presenting stories without endings can be habit forming and it indicates a bit of arrogance. I suppose after all that the writing was just so damn good what more can we readers want, an ending?

Oh and any reference in a story to WWWM (or as I like to call it, When we screwed over the readers) guarantees a single star from this reader. But you know the sentence and paragraph structure in Breadwinner is absolutely the best!

Then we get a comment from DQS1 himself that kind of indicates that the readers who criticize this story just may not be sophisticated or knowledgeable enough to understand all of the back story and intrigue that exists in the universe that he is creating. Really?

I’m sure that this conglomeration of sentences and paragraphs made the day for the diehard DQS1 fans because it was a pot of gold for anyone who enjoys reading husband humiliation stories, wimp husband stories, cuckolded husband stories or vicious (and nearly omnipotent and wealthy) beautiful bitch stories. The more I read and understand about the DQS1 universe, the less I care to know anything else having to do with it.

Does anyone know whether Lew and Mona have had their baby yet? I would like to see those two end up happy!

MissouriUSA

DQS can write - no doubt about that. The problem is DQS never finishes anything DQS starts. It's getting old DQS1.

You are the most overrated author on this site, and that is saying something! Please never post again. Thanks in advance.

I guess no body read the opening disclaimer about not being a story.

Sorry DQS The ney sayers and the Annons have to put something down so they picked you this time. Keep writing please I enjoy reading what you put out.

Thanks for the entertainment. Mike from Texas.

He actually signed the shit. Fuck her and fuck him. He deserved it.

DQS,

I don't know what most of these people seem to think, but I note that few of them ever write. You said it was a scene, and it was a scene that fit well the the story you already posted. It was done very well.

The man was/is not a wimp he is simply a man, that knows himself, knows what he likes and loves, and knows the fight is over. She won like always, but did she??? Your other story says otherwise. In the long run he won and she is just a slut screwing anyone she finds.

Nicely done, the irony of it all is not lost on some of us.

"I know this will hurt, but you have to know. [...]". Why? Or, rather, why expound in such graphic detail if she simply wanted him to know that she was hot for/needed Cameron? Your stories are enjoyable, and some of your characters are interesting and nuanced, but I'll never understand why the women in your story feel the need to describe in vast detail their throbbing need for someone (sometimes anyone) other than their husbands...who they love. It smacks of a revenge mind-fuck, but that's rarely the tone used when the women tell those stories.

No way I can discount this momentary episode in time with the longer story theme. Shit happens in real life; skillfully telling how shit happens does not deserve damnation heaped on the author. I haven't read the earlier relationship connections. but I can honestly say it rates up there with any script ever written for the TV series "Dallas" including the new season where everyone tramples on the rest of the family. This short piece can stand alone for it's character, it's characters, the situation, the colorful imagery and the intimate feelings. DQS, you've got the talent to entertain any worthy reader. 'Love Story", the movie didn't have a happy ending but the plot is still held in high esteem. Please continue with this sequence of events while I go back and read from the beginning.

No way I can discount this momentary episode in time with the longer story theme. Shit happens in real life; skillfully telling how shit happens does not deserve damnation heaped on the author. I haven't read the earlier relationship connections. but I can honestly say it rates up there with any script ever written for the TV series "Dallas" including the new season where everyone tramples on the rest of the family. This short piece can stand alone for it's character, it's characters, the situation, the colorful imagery and the intimate feelings. DQS, you've got the talent to entertain any worthy reader. 'Love Story", the movie didn't have a happy ending but the plot is still held in high esteem. Please continue with this sequence of events while I go back and read from the beginning.

The ending sucked

a story leading some where but going nowhere. a total use of time and should be removed as it is just taking up space.

The "king" (or is it "queen") of wimp authors. What a sorry asshole.

This story is so fucked up I don't even know where to start. The bitch cheats, watches her loving husband get the shit beat out of him, and makes (not asks) him protect her lover. No remorse, no sympathy, just a faithless rich bitch. Then you have the audacity to have him smile and just roll over to be fucked again because he loves her and wants her to be happy. Total crap!

other than when we were married every male that steel writes is a fucking wimp.

There are a lot of good writers on here, you are not one of them

He needs his revenge, he deserves it.

It should be complete and total annihilation of everything she is or ever could be. Her money, her looks, her influence all laid bare and salt plowed into the soil of her family future.

After all that was done to him, he signed. Nuf said.

do some of you guys even read steel's work? I have to wonder because i have read all of them and i find the male characters very strong. Because he doesn't burn all the wives doesn't make his characters weak, only sure of what they want and the ability to adapt to different situations.

Kepp up the fine work Daniel, the v ast majority enjoy them

This story sucks, TOTALLY!!!

Gave score of ONE but came up as Five?????

Total Crap "TC".

Have always enjoyed your stories but not this one.

Not my favorite although I really like much of the author's work. Only an idiot attempts to take physical revenge on a gangster. If he had to take revenge, he should have sought a more subtle revenge that sent the gangster to prison for a Federal Crime. The TRUE BAD 'guy' was Gail. If necessary, he should have tried to sully her reputation and hurt her power and bank stock price! No point in risking your life to get revenge on a cheating Bitch. She was not worth it and proved that by her actions.

Find another more worthy mate and lover! Good riddance!

Just like this crappy story. Should be a zero.

I read your biography.

You're just an old piece of shit who hates the world.

You will also have three great-grandchildren, but surely you had a slut wife that you will have cuckolded so much to hate the rest of the world much to enjoy seeing others suffe

This story is what he said it was - background against another story - if you read the other story it makes perfect sense -

2 imperfect people - one rich and spoiled and able to dictate to the world how it turns and she was wrong and vengeful - he was in love and was wiling to give rather than just take - she knew his buttons and pushed them - big surprise everyone of us has had it happen -!

didnt he ask for a million or so for his signature?

I sincerely hope I never run into any such bitch in my life

Fuck that whore cunt. What a wimp asshole. He actually signed the paper giving up all of his rights in life.

'betrayedbylove'

Pathetic wimp. Simple as that. Sure Gail, I'll sign. Why don't you take my balls with you when you leave? Really have a hard time when a moron and an idiot are combined to make a pathetic asshole wimp.

betrayedbylove 56 times?

@ Anon According to the new sociological survays the 55% of the wives are minimum 1 extramarital sex in their life in the Western Culture. Are you married? If you are married YOU ARE SURE YOUR WIFE IS AMONG THE 45%??? Is your wife checked with PI firm non stop, National Security Services or non stop Eunuch bodygurd(s)?

...he is too stupid to deserve anything other than what he has got. Giving that poor wimp poison would have been the icing on the cake.

... unfortunately, it was just as bad. 1 star, only because there's no lower ranking.

DANIEL, You must not like women. I have read quite a few of your stories now. They are all sluts.....every one of them.12 yyear old Debbie sucking off and fucking older adult men. Her seventeen year old daughter sucking off Doug...and he's not her firstHugh's wife of 36 years turning into a gutter tramp and rich , spoiled Gail cheating on her loving husband with a gangster. I am glad I have not run into many of these blood suking leeches in my lifetime. Only a few of your male leads have many morals either, Maitland being the exception.

That quite frankly seems to drive many quite off the deep end.

And I think we are going to see it again in TU(O)s' first piece.

Which is... if the woman you love loves someone else, do you burn the bitch, or give her what she wants? Is your honor, your integrity, the promises you made more important to you than.... well, anything... or are you one to compromise your principles over anger, or ego, or hurt?... I mean, you did promise to love the woman...

Kinda leaves the hurting souls here hanging in limbo, but I think it is the strongest story line that this genre can come up with.

I have my personal take on it - to try to defuse anyone who tries to go ad hominem on me... but that is outside what I consider proper in a comment on a story.

Perhaps I should write a story of my own.

Green-something

If you love her you will want her to be happy.

But, if she loves you then she will want you to be happy.

Oh, and there is that little matter of her swearing to put you before all others.

I usually like your stuff but this does not explain anything at all.

How can he 'be his own man' while being such a gutless, pussywhipped piece of shit.... does not scan!

1 star... because there is no zero.

This didn't do anything but piss me off!!!!!

I don't normally curse, but.... are you fucking kidding me , wow

Never thought one of Daniel's stories would make me want to puke, but this one does....

She and Cameron both deserve to be arrested and sent to prison.

Everyone's missing the point entirely... This is remarkably well written and VERY evocative of the regrets that so many of us have in life.

amazing scene . would really love to see the whole story.

but knowing how alot of pple respond to / comment on / denigrate authors who create protagonists similar to bobby (the husband), i guess we never will.

voted 5 stars for an extremly well written heartbreaking read.

xxxhugsxxx

Wow this story sucked worse than a $0.25 whore.

I don't know why this guy is so popular on this site, EVERY one of his stories involves a a big breasted psychotic bitch and a wimp.

If you were trying to get me to read stories related to this excerpt, it didn't work.

This is well written and I would love to read a story that encompasses it.

and wait for the upload. TK U MLJ LV NV

Snatch this slutty cunt and sell her to a Mexican whorehouse. She deserves nothing less than future and long lasting misery.

What a waste of my time.

What a crock. Nothing to commend this pathetic literary tripe. And what's with the oversized tits fixation?

His cheating wives just have to tell their husbands how much better their lovers are in bed. This scene is ridiculous. No prosecutor would dismiss such a brutal beating with great evidence on a document produced by the defendant's girlfriend. He would talk to the victim who, in the real world, would want the bastards locked up unless he was bought off.

There is no way this guy would drop the charges. He came to get revenge and now he has it. He hasn't even gotten out of the hospital. He doesn't know if he will have lifetime injuries. No fucking sale.

Reasonable man

Congrats I guess. Three out of five. This is the first DQS story I've read that actually made me angry. Ok, maybe some of the early WWWM chapters before Maitland got back on his feet.

I know the male character ends up alright because of Ghosts and Shadows and Gail suffers. But I am glad I read G and S before I read this.

Breadwinner is well written. But I am sorry it is the last DQS story left on this site for me to read. It is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

He talks to Maitland, the Angel of Death. He tells him that Cameron ordered his thugs to beat him to death and it's only sheer luck that he survived.

What a load of shite. No man or woman would sign anything after that beating, rubbish rubbish.

Readers began seeing him for what he is..a pathetic individual.

I have to agree with the others. This was pathetic!

The Gail in this story has exactly the same name as the Gail that is a pious upright woman in DQS1's story "The Last Goodbye".

Gail Hunt fiancée of Norman.

Norman the law partner of Lew and sex partner of Lew's cheating wife Mona.

How many rich women named Gail Hunt are there in Jacksonville, Florida?

To be able to give one star to a DQS story. This one sucked onions!

And there is quite a bit to hate about this stor...SCENE. It is a SCENE.

First, HIV got it perfectly correct. You established one thing in the story: That the main gentleman in the body cast was willing to BEAT UP her Mancandy to defend his rights as a husband, come Hell or the Law. And this stalwart swore up and down he would not sign the paper.

And then you had him do a 180 without explanation. If you do not give us an explanation, we get to insert our own ( I go with shitty characterization, see below for more)

You showed us Gail who was a cypher in G & S, except for being a round heeled slut (being a round heeled slut is a FLAW) Willing to psychically rape a husband, willing to murder to cover up your lovers crime, destroying a human being is EVIL. The 'flawed person dodge' is bullshit. You might as well say Stalin was 'flawed'. Mao was 'economically mistaken'. Saddam had 'slight anger issues'.

You as a writer, do not get to show us all one dimension of Gail and wonder why we think she is evil and one dimensional. The fault is on you for that. The only nice thing I have ever seen her do as a character is try to jolly along Hugh, the man who helped her metaphorically cut the nuts off her ex husband, when he was down.

Debbie Debbie Debbie. I was wrong on the second post I wrote about absolving Debbie and right on the first. Why? I have a friend. I know, if I ever committed adultery, I could NEVER ask him to cover up for me, because he is a straight arrow. At the very least, I would lose him as a friend if he did not tell my wife outright. I have another friend, who if I asked, would swear up and down that I was NOT indulging in adultery and that my wife was CRAZY for thinking that (this is, btw, all hypothetical).

You know what your friends are willing to do for you. And Gail seemed to think that she had better than a 50% shot of getting DEBBIE to ask her husband to let a man who crippled another man to be let go. That DEBBIE would somehow agree to this egregious thing. The excuse used by DQS was 'but she didn't do it'.

SO. WHAT? She didn't do it, not because Gail thought that Debbie would say 'no', but because she thought Maitland would tell Debbie to pound sand up her ass! That is not 'Debbie' being moral. It is that Gail would not get the leverage she wanted because Maitland knows how much of a cunt Debbie is.

I won't get bogged down in the rest, but most of the problems with this story are the contradictions or additions made to the characters. Hugh cannot be a paragon of loyalty and restraint AND be willing to psychically fuck over his friend. This is a contradiction. OR...maybe he can. And if you add this facet to the character, we have the right to not like Hugh anymore. WE the readers get to determine if he is 'flawed' or if he is 'evil'. Hint: Look at the score.

And let us not get into suspension of disbelief. I am asked to believe that out of the HUNDREDS of people in that hall, that not a one was gossiping about it the very next day. HUNDREDS of PEOPLE are all silent because...Of course we are given no rational explanation of why the high and mighty (and the low and dirty) do not discuss, gossip or act on this event...because there IS no rational explanation.

And if there is no rational explanation, well...that is the fault of the author, who tried to build an emotional bridge too far.

High drama. Emotionally riveting. But some major problems in characterization, plot and suspension of disbelief.