All Comments on 'Break In The Clouds'

I was a reader on this site many years before I become a registered user. In that time I have seen a few authors go from average to outstanding. I could tell you had talent from your first story, but it was short and choppy. This one is outstanding in every area. I don't recall anyone who has improved so much so fast. I am looking forward to your future stories. 5* and thank you!

"the brutal accelerations created from the ethanol fueled power plant just inches behind the firewall in front of my feet." That is terrible writing. This story has no stylistic consistency, other than amateur. Too many sentences are too different from everything else that it knocks the reader right out of what they're reading. I can't go on reading this terrible attempt at brilliance. "We gripped each other's bodies tightly as merged our bodies," GET YOURSELF AN EDITOR and your use of alliteration made me laugh so much!

Hahahaha Take it easy dude! I never said I was a great or even good writer. I appreciate the feedback, Mr. Anonymous. Lol

Temet_nosce, thank you for the kind words! Words of encouragement go far with me. I’ll take this new hobby and try to polish it into something shiny.

The story is great, the writing above average, and the characters enjoyable. Having said that, I agree with the advice to use an editor. There are so many errors in the text, it caused me to stop reading in order to figure out what should be there, and that was a little frustrating.. This was particularly true for misused words. I believe it would have been much better as a shorter story as well, perhaps around 20-25k. Still, despite all that, I did enjoy it; I just believe it could have been better. I'll still give you 5 stars for it, though.

A great story... Thank you!

I thought the story was great. As far as the first anon comment:

1. No story is absolutely perfect

2. The comment had a nasty tone which was not constructive

3. He can actually spell "alliteration"

Really Good! I knew you could do it.

A very sweet little story.

Thanks

Great story could really feel the pain when he was cheated on. keep up the great work.

3 sisters for their son Liam, sounds like another harem in the making

It was a marathon at times, but worth the trip. Can’t remember if you addressed it, but the twins parents status is never mentioned. 5*

Yea, I liked that story. Good characters. Thanks.

7 stars!!!! Loved it.

That was great i love cars too. I want more you have years to fill in.

This story even with anything incorrect about punctuation or spelling was a fantastic thing to have written. Great work

Great story.. thanks

Sensational. Absolutely 5 stars and added to favorites. A few spelling/grammar errors here and there but otherwise amazing, Thank You.

Nice story. Too many spelling and grammar issues, misused words and missing words. I was totally lost during the circus scene and the last page was overdone with proclamations of "I love you" and explanations of why "I love you." I did enjoy the story, it's just that the above made it a difficult read. Thank you.

Just love the story. Five stars from me. I hope that you write another one. I'll be watching for it.

Thank you everyone for the kind words of encouragement and also for the advice on how to improve! I’m glad most of ya’ll enjoyed the story! I will continue writing. Be patient with me. Lol

Damn, what a beautiful love story. The storyline, character development and dialogue is great. Thank you for the time and effort you put into writing such a marvelous happily ever after story.

A storie two gud to be ruwinned by trivyall misstacks.

Ignore the complaints, Nicely Done.

It was good but I would've liked it better if the twins weren't involved

Bro.. four sets of 405 at ten reps??

Love this story: great build-up, storytelling, details,... Both the story itself as well as your style.

It's probably my sadistic side but: Near the end I was wondering if Rachel would make a third appearance (maybe better prepared knowing what or who she's up against... :) )

Also what life would be like another 10 (or 20) years further: would parenting take it's toll and wear down their sex lives, maybe a new hire at Apollo genuinly likes Logan just at a moment when the twins and/or Chloe are more in mother-mode than lover-mode... Or (20 years later) what if Rachel has a daughter that makes her appearance - and Logan (now about 40-ish) is shocked to see how she has inherented her mothers looks...

Anyway, just thoughts... As I said: I love the story, just hoping there will be a sequel one day. ;)

Rated story a one.

Not into communal love! Two become on not four!

At the moment that I'm writing this comment, you only have the two stories published, Chapter One of "My Person" and this story. And while I look forward to reading something new from you, I can't help but comment about the virgins in both stories having pierced nipples.

I really believe that you have got your cart before your horse. I seriously doubt that there are any girls out there that have had their nipples pierced BEFORE getting their cherry popped. One thing leads to another in a natural progression.

But setting that particular flaw aside, the story was very good. Please ignore the hate mail from the anti Polyamory crowd. They are a minority. 5/5

I enjoyed the story and the poly ending.

Three points. Messing around with the driver in a moving car is needlessly dangerous; it's not just drunk driving, but not paying attention like sex, texting, and other crap. It's not sexy. Two, once Logan had the head of his cock inside Chloe, her maiden-head was history, it is NOT halfway down her pussy. That's basic female anatomy. Three is a repeat of what others have already said. Some errors were unintentionally pretty funny. Grammarly has a free version that integrates with many email programs; you can paste your story into a blank message and catch a huge amount of usage errors and missing words. It *does* have its own style, so watch for that, but overall, if you don't have a beta reader, it's a decent substitute.

So, no one got the $22k ring? Logan and Chloe's parents were deceased, but what about the parents of the twins? No other relatives at all? And with three baby bumps and four sharing one Kings size bed, it would be obvious Logan was a busy baby-daddy. With equity money from three houses, two with swimming pools, the mortgage on the house on forty acres should be at seriously dented.

Thanks for sharing. 4.5 rounded up to 5. TJSkywind on the kindle. Slainté

I very much enjoyed this story. I love “happily ever after” stories, which this story fell in that category. Being that you are just starting your writing career 😉 on Lit., I wouldn’t expect you to get into a complex story where you have an antagonist(s) and/or a storyline that’s complex and convoluted. I look forward to reading your future stories. :-p”

Just starting and the writing is good. I'm just distracted by the fact that everything seems extreme. 900 horse power truck. 400 pound bench press. Competitive athlete twins. Etc. However, the opening cheating scene broke my heart. After that the timeline seems confusing. You say months but it "feels" like 2 days with the ring and the sister calling out of work for you. I'll continue.

Yes, an over-the-top, whirlwind romance-type of story between twins who lusted for him all their lives and incest with his sister. Gushy brother and sister banter and sexual tensions. Money galore, a circus performance, heartbreak over a girl he loved, lust, love, sex, sex, sex, and more fucking sex than anyone could possibly account for in such a short time. Through in some hot cars and a descendent of Henry Ford chucking out extra money for the excellent work. [None of Henry's descendants were noted for being generous.] But it was fun to read! What the heck, just for the fun of it they should have brought the ex-girlfriend in for a couple of bed-bouncing sessions and then kicked her out adding a little of the BTB to the trope. Just my added thought to round it all out.

Proofing a long story is always troublesome. I spotted a couple of things that you might correct if you decide to edit this and submit the corrections. I'm sure there are more than these, I wasn't in editing mode but found these to be noticeably jarring:

"... morning in her ear ..." should have been moaning

"... was I jack hammered up into her ..." correction is 'while'not 'was;' jackhammered is one word btw

"... gave her ..." should be 'shave her'

It was an entertaining read that could have been trimmed a bit just to rein in the over-the-top scenes.

Lit has some volunteer editors that might help with the latter point - free help - check the editor section.

Rachel was basically a non-entity in this story. She was there to break Logan's heart, and to get him to fuck Joe the twins. There was no motivation given for her to be cheating, or to want him back. No emotional tension there at all.

Wonderful!

You sir, make me pine for people I've never known.

5⭐️ story into a romance with the sister and the twins,,, so what happened to the ring ????

Needs a proof reader. Too many simple mistakes that should have been spotted on a read through.

And editing the story, cutting out the repeated descriptions of the girls and the excessive automobile information, plus repeating how happy everyone is making everyone repeatedly, could reduce the story length by a tenth? Conversely, there was very little description in the erotic circus segment; it adds very little to the story, other than a few more naked women, so does it really need to be kept?

Just askin' for a friend...

This an incredibly enjoyable story. I hope to read more of your stories very soon.

This read like a police report. And not every very needs an adverb in exactly the same format.