Breaking My Own Rules Ch. 12

****

When i thought back to that episode later, it was stored in my memory as a series of snapshots, except someone had dropped the box of photographs and they were all out of order and out of context. I saw Dr. Tom, holding the knife and gloating. Me laying on my belly atop a bed and someone rubbing a balm into the flaming skin of my ass. Me, fetally curled on the floor, sobbing. Dr. Tom asking me, 'Who are you?' and me answering, with no hesitation, 'cherie.' Someone yelling at me when i pulled a bandage off my leg to see an ugly, but thankfully shallow, gash. The Hulk carrying me, finally, out of the god-forsaken room. The worst, though, was Dr. Tom, sitting on the edge of a bed, looming over me, saying incomprehensible things.

I remember He told me how proud He was of me. Yet, what He was proud of, was what most shamed me. My voices had gone completely silent, so i assumed they were ashamed of me, too. Even Drama Queen had abandoned me to my fate. He also told me He owned me. That chilled me to the bone, yet hadn't He proved that, again and again? He'd put a knife in my lap, in my reach. I never tried to pick it up, even when He had made it a direct threat. I had reasoned that i had no chance, no way to keep Him from effortlessly taking it from me. But it haunted me now, the fact that i didn't even try. I had given Him carte blanche to do with me what He willed. And He had proven to me that He could. Just like the others; Dolly, willing to die; EgoMan willing to kill, Bitch willing to maim herself to keep from disappointing Him by coming without permission, Lovelorn submitting to brutal punishment with utmost grace when she failed an impossible test.

And yet, as i reflected, i realized i was totally different from the others. They had succeeded. EgoMan would have killed, or believed he would have, had Dr. Tom not stopped him. And Lovelorn, who was set an impossible and a possible test, succeeded at the possible, silently, unmovingly, bearing her punishment. I had failed pretty much every test put before me. I couldn't come without screaming, nor without closing my eyes; the slightest touch had me writhing; and most of all, i couldn't not come, even if life and/or limb depended on it.

I remembered being in the car again, staring out the window at dim lights shining through the tinting. There was nothing else to see in the darkness. He sat on the other side of the seat. I could see His reflection in the window, sometimes, when the light from outside was just right, watching me and thinking hard about something, but i didn't turn toward Him. If all i saw was a reflection, i could believe that it was all just a dream and i would wake up at some point, maybe in Francois' arms and we'd laugh as i told him about the dream. Then i shuddered. I wasn't sure i would ever laugh again. Unless He told me to.

When the car finally stopped, Hulk got out of the front and opened my door. I started to climb out, so obedient, but Dr. Tom reached over and pulled my arm. Reluctantly, i turned toward Him, eyes lowered, not to avoid angering Him, but because i wasn't worthy, even in my own eyes. He took my chin, in that way that used to annoy me. Now i simply didn't care. He raised my face to His. "Come back home to me when you are done," He said, then released me. I knew i didn't have to reply or even nod. What else could i do. I was simply a piece of Him that He was letting go of briefly. A moment later, i was standing on the corner. My purse had been draped over my shoulder. The black SUV was disappearing into night. I didn't know where i was, but even more than that, i didn't know who i was.