All Comments on 'Breaking Up Pt. 01'

what an excellently written story. You described the characters almost perfectly. I loved the way you put the charcters into the context of the story. Well done! I am looking forward to the next installment.

S

Nice development and credible story - looking forward to continued development

Wonderfully done! A truly great start to this story, I'm looking forward to reading more of this story! Thank you!

Shaima,

Your storytelling that sets the scenes and details the characters is really quite fine. Of course, as a cis male I am not that entranced by the building of the garments, but I am attached to a woman who knows her way around a Butterick pattern, so I get it. I even appreciate the long build to the passion, a bit Barbara Cartland, but hey.

I would like to see you work on your prounouns, especially when you have two 'her's in a scene, you probably want to stick with the person's name for one of them. My big puzzle is with your love scenes. I'd love it if others would say something about how hot or not they are. For me, you seem to slide a bit toward the instruction manual: "Now she moved a bit to the left and slid her fingers three inches upward." I'm eager for more of how the characters feel; how they emotionally react to what is happening. You also have a fine ability to show detail, on a blouse, but how about on a belly or a left hip as small, white teeth sink into it. Your little interjected dialogue phrases are great. More of them.

Hope you don't see this as a put-down. You have the stuff to take it up a notch.

...we know why some gay women like vibrators---they always leave the toilet seat in place. They deserve five stars for that alone. Somehow I almost missed this one, Shaima, although I knew it was on the way. Another five stars worth of enjoyable tale.

There are never a false path, it always depends if walked on by heart&soul or on the point of view ..... Experience are the wisdom for the future ...... Lovely written als all of your poetry

I stopped reading as it was so confusing if you keep on using same pronouns instead of names. She went over, she came back I was getting lost as to who has done what, sorry as it really had potential