Broken Defence - Revised -- Pt. 01

By the time of my exams, Lucy knew about Holly and me. It was frustrating her greatly that we hadn't met up since her birthday ("that is outrageous!") and even more so when I'd make excuses not to. On a break from studying one Sunday morning during the time Holly and I agreed to talk less, Lucy dragged me with her to watch Holly play, at threat of our friendship.

I was mesmerised watching her on that grass. I think I fell in love with her in a different way - one of a football fan watching someone incredible in the flesh. There was no doubt in my mind she'd make it professionally. She was better than everyone else on the pitch, able to take players on even from Centre Back and lay inch-perfect passes to the Striker. Her team battered their opponents. I stood to the side cheering her with Lucy and with the sparsely attended fans.

She saw me just a few minutes in when the ball went out for a throw-in. Her face was priceless, and I thanked Lucy for pushing me to go. Holly's face, already quite red from the physical effort, went up another shade and she had the brightest smile as she looked at me, teeth on show. I beamed back.

At halftime, I saw her trying to trot over but she never had the chance with tactic discussions and a comfort break. It wasn't until full-time that she managed to do so. I saw her hug her Mum who came to attend as well as her two younger sisters. Then she made her way over and locked in on my eyes.

"Hey," she said, smiling awkwardly. Realising Lucy was there too, she hugged her before Lucy walked away and said hello to some of her old teammates.

"You're incredible," I said in wonder. "Seriously, seriously good." I knew football and at that point in my life I knew I wanted to go into football journalism, so I had to know good when I saw it. She was it.

We chatted for a bit, and it felt comfortable with just a touch of awkwardness, what with her in her football kit and her family close by. Eventually, her Mum called out asking if she wanted a lift. Holly looked at me questioningly, wondering if I wanted to go anywhere and hang out.

Her Mum looked over at me and there was a familiarity as well as a warmth in the look she gave me. She knew who I was.

Sadly, I shook my head turning back to Holly. "I can't, I'm sorry. I'm not running off, but I need to run off." I paused after saying it. "Yes, I heard it," I said with a grin that she shared. "I need to study."

Holly nodded, slightly disappointed but not upset with me this time. I watched her walk away and then called out, "Hollywood, how about coffee this week?"

I heard wolf whistles and saw Naomi and Lucy standing nearby.

"Sounds good to me Tank, I'll never turn down a Latte," she said with a grin, turning away and leaving me to explain the nickname to the giggling pair.

From that point on, we started to meet up during my study breaks. Holly would drive over with a coffee each and we'd sit and talk in her car for 30 glorious minutes at a time. I recognised the effort she was going to just to see me - rushing out of work, turning up late for dinner, just to spend small periods of time with me.

If I'd known how poorly designed the course was, I'd never have gone to that University, given how much strain it was putting on Holly and I trying to build something together. But then, I'd never have met Lucy and therefore Holly. So, the punishment was worth the prize.

I was right about my initial prediction of her dress sense: she always wore jeans and a casual t-shirt. When she saw me on the following Friday, on the way back from work, she asked if I was okay with her not wearing more girly clothes.

"I love the way you dress," I said honestly. "You're perfect Holly."

She smiled at me and bravely leaned in for us to share our first kiss. I like coffee and liked it even more when I could taste it on her lips and tongue. I took her face in my hand gently and held her there as we kissed. We pulled away breathless.

I had two more weeks of deadlines and exams and then I was free for the summer. Holly was doing a far more disciplined job of keeping me focused on studying, not letting me be distracted by her. That wasn't to say she was always successful, especially as our sexual connection deepened.

In the end, aware that we were both spending countless hours sexting or using any other means to show how much we wanted each other, she said, "get through the first week and you'll see me topless and get through the second and you'll see everything."

I got back to studying with renewed energy and true to her word, late on Friday night both weeks, she sent me first a topless picture and then a fully nude one.

Both times she was laying down on her bed, hair tied back and without any makeup. She didn't always wear makeup, but I'd noticed she was wearing it a little more whenever we met up. I told her she didn't need to, and she told me it was for her, not for me. Blunt, just how I liked her.

I fell in love with her naked body, as I knew I would. It was toned and strong with a hint of boob but not a lot. I could see they'd be enough to hold and that was fine by me. She had a beautiful chest and neck that I wanted to kiss all over. Her nipples were hard and pointy, which suited her exactly right. Her pale complexion seemed to make her more beautiful.

I traced my eyes down on the second week and studied her legs and everything else in detail. She was completely shaved, and I could almost feel the nervousness in the way she posed. Her leg was slightly tucked into her body, and I could see her strong calf and outer thigh. Her pussy looked small and tight. I shamelessly told her I wanted to explore every inch of it with my mouth.

Holly: Does it bother you that I'm a virgin?

Tom: No, does it bother you that I'm not?

Holly: No, I'm relieved it's not the blind leading the blind!

I laughed out loud at that.

We gave ourselves an orgasm before bed which was now our almost-nightly ritual and said goodnight.

I woke up the next morning and found a text from Holly.

Holly: A scout was at the game you watched and wants to offer me a scholarship to play in America. I don't know what to do, I didn't even know how to tell you.

I could feel my heart physically hurting as I read the message. I knew what decision she was going to make, and I knew in my heart I would help her to make it. A scholarship in America was too big to turn down.

We discussed it almost constantly for the next few days. Only now did her dad start to believe in her talent and attend games with her, even driving her to the away ones. She posted a picture on Facebook of them beaming together which I hit the like button on but didn't share the same enthusiasm. I knew what she had gone through and done to herself, partly as a result of his comments and I couldn't forgive him that easily.

Holly and I made plans with Lucy and Naomi to watch a football match together the weekend after our exams. Holly had managed to swap her shift and would be working the next evening in the graveyard shift and then back in again to open the next morning. I appreciated it more than I could say, knowing how much that would kill her before working 5 straight days.

We met early at the station so we could have lunch together first. Holly arrived after me and I saw her walking towards me in tight jeans, white trainers and a shirt that was tied up at the bottom and showed off a lot of her stomach. She'd done her makeup and her hair was tied back showing off gold stud earrings.

"Wow," I breathed as she approached, shamelessly checking her out. "You look incredible."

She blushed but didn't break stride, throwing her arms around my neck and kissing me on the lips on a slight tiptoe.

She pulled away, looked me in the eye and took a deep breath. "I love you," she declared.

"What?" I gasped, completely surprised.

"I love you," Holly repeated, smiling but with a touch less conviction now she was being made to say it again.

"I love you too," I replied honestly, watching her face light back up.

We had lunch together and for two people that had just declared their love for eachother, we spoke less than we had in weeks. Instead, we shared smiles and knowing glances, held hands and kissed whenever we could, oblivious to the other diners.

Eventually we left the restaurant and made our way to the pre-agreed pub to watch the England Women's game with Naomi and Lucy. Holly & I held hands as we approached the table, shrugging off the immediate teasing from the other two, and sat together watching the game with a pint of lager each.

As the game wore on, I sensed a change in Holly. There was nothing obvious about it, but Holly seemed to have switched as she sat there quietly and reflected on things. If you asked me how she changed (and Lucy did afterwards), I wouldn't be able to tell you but sometimes you just know. She was spending as much time as possible being as close to me as she could, but it felt as though she was disengaged from her surroundings, jumping when people walked past or else being oblivious to goings on. She was in the moment and was savouring it.

Something about her behaviour told me in hindsight that she had decided to leave then and there, and she was just soaking it all in. I couldn't ignore that she had been opposite me only hours before, declaring her love for me. It led to a frostiness from me as the afternoon wore on and I could only imagine how we must have looked once we had become so untangled.

A reckless part of me wanted to suggest leaving together but reality was another thing. Going with her was not an option for me with my family so recently short of members and I was not going to have her miss her dreams to stay with me.

"It's such a relief you two idiots got yourself sorted," Naomi said teasingly but smiling widely as the game finished. It felt like both of us delivered rather false responses.

We had another round of beer each, mostly driven by a resounding victory for the England team over far inferior opposition.

I went to the bathroom while the 3 of them were deep in talk about which foreign player they'd have on the England team. I caught the tail end of this on my return and gathered there weren't too many names.

"See, that's the problem with Women's Football," I said, taking a sip and totally oblivious to the 3 pairs of eyes that had looked round and were directly lasers into my head. "There's just no money in it and -"

"Fuck you!" I stopped my sentence in shock at Holly's interruption. "You don't get to say that."

"No wait," I said, panicked. "That's not what I meant -"

She stood up with a face of thunder, her pale skin now red and angry. I couldn't help but think she had blown it out of proportion. There was suddenly an ugly side to Holly that I had never seen before. What was going on?

And then it hit me: she was blowing it out of proportion. Painting me in the same vein as her dad and Brother was an easy way for her to blow up. If I hadn't sensed how her behaviour had changed across the afternoon, I never would have put it together, but I knew her too well. Afterall, I had to learn to sense her moods over the last few months, so I was finely attuned to them.

"You knew what you meant," she said angrily, "don't deny it."

"I won't," I sighed, giving in, everything falling into place for me.

I saw a flicker of surprise in her expression and then she stared hard at me as she got her stuff together. I stared her down with a resigned expression as Lucy and Naomi sat between us in stunned silence. I saw a hint of hesitation in her expression but maybe I imagined it as she walked out.

That was the last time I would see her until that Tuesday morning years later.

I turned back to Lucy and Naomi. I felt it better to correct the record or else risk offending them too. "You know I meant facilities and training, right?"

They both nodded. "It was obvious, I'll talk to her," said Naomi reassuringly.

I agreed though it was only for show. I was sure Holly was in tears somewhere nearby right then and shortly afterwards, I left, completely shattered.

Holly was leaving for America the following month, she announced on her Facebook page the next day. Lucy understood what had happened immediately - she was infinitely better with people than I was so if I got what was happening, I knew it wouldn't take long for her to as well.

"I am so sorry," she said, pulling me in for a squeeze when she next saw me at university.

I fell into a depression over that summer, stalking Holly from afar on social media (I was eating and drinking far too much to do any actual stalking, don't worry!) until mercifully in early September, she blocked my number and deleted me from Facebook and allowed me to get my life back together.

I still saw her on TV, watching many Women's games online and watching her excel and beat every challenge. I stalked her Instagram occasionally when someone in my network tagged her in something or else retweeted something she'd posted. So, she was always there in my periphery and perhaps even more than that, given I'd chosen to work in women's football. I kept some steady girlfriends, but I was always just a bit too bitter about what had gotten away to ever be genuinely happy. Stupidly, her growing skill and popularity felt like a metaphor for the growth of the relationship we'd never have, and I punished myself for that.

***

Present Day

***

I thought the beers would help me to talk it all through, but they didn't. Chris was my oldest friend, I'd known him since school, and he knew how torn up I was back then, even though he'd never met her. He was adamant that I was punishing myself for working in this field given how prominent she was becoming. The sex tape didn't help with her popularity - if it could be called that.

"She can suck some serious dick," Chris said bluntly when he saw it a day after me.

Lucy was furiously angry when she heard about it and outright refused to watch it. "Why don't she release one of him giving her shit head? She won't because she's too classy!"

I woke up the next morning without a hangover but with a pit of anger in my stomach. As irrational as it was for me to think it, what was the point of her going away and putting us through that if she was going to come back anyway? Why did she look so much hotter? How the hell had she forgotten me?

I pulled up to Georgia's house with a coffee cup in each of the trays.

"Sit on a cactus this morning?" Georgia remarked when she got in the car and saw my face.

"You've just talked yourself out of this coffee," I said, going to pull it away.

"Give it, it's the only reason I ride with you."

I laughed at that. "It's not the money?!" I gasped out in shock.

Georgia was hoping to use this job as a platform into another football club's press team. She was good enough and I knew she was learning enough in this job to get ahead of the competition.

"Excited for the press conference today?" She asked conversationally after rolling her eyes.

"You betcha," I said with a smile. "Hollywood's gonna kick some arse."

"Wasn't she in Portland?"

"Uh, yeah sorry. Portland."

***

Later that day we were outside the press room. We'd made the big time as we had journalists waiting to speak to Holly, Diane and I, not the men's team. Holly's transfer was big news, it had even made it across to the mainstream media. I saw a few of the men looking over at her, partly impressed to see her, partly shamelessly checking her out. Holly shot them each angry looks each in turn until they walked off. She'd always been tough but there was a fierceness to her now, a default antagonism that I read in her body language.

It was just us and Georgia, waiting for the tech and facilities guys to finish sorting the room so we could let the journalists in. So far Holly hadn't said anything to me beyond the pleasantries (which weren't all that pleasant) and then had stood around on her phone, utterly disinterested, except when she felt the men looking over at her.

"Fuck men," she muttered at the time. Georgia giggled and I looked away.

"I'm going to go see how it's looking," I said aloud after a further spell of silence.

"I'll do that, that's my job," Georgia responded, already closest to the door.

"Yeah, haven't you got to, like, prep me?" Holly said sarcastically.

I didn't enjoy the 'like' in that sentence. It was condescending and I'd be damned if I let her see me the same way she saw those men.

"I daresay you've had more prep than I can give you," I replied acidly.

Georgia looked behind her briefly as she walked into the next room and the door closed behind her, eyes wide and looking at me with a 'what the fuck' expression.

Holly waited for the door to fully close before she responded. "I didn't know you were the press guy or whatever the hell you are, when I joined. So don't get shitty at me Tank, I wasn't expecting to see you either."

"Oh, she remembers!" Anger overtook my elation and made it its own. "I spent a sleepless night wondering how the fuck you forgot me so easily. But I lost a lot of those when you left so I guess another night isn't a big deal."

Holly looked at me in shock as though the venom in my voice had physically attacked her. Far from backing down, the colour rose in her cheeks, and I knew I was going to see the same Holly I saw in the pub all those years ago.

"Fuck. You." Holly spat it at me with emotion I couldn't quite recognise. Her pale face had filled with colour now and I could see her shaking. I backed down.

"Sort yourself out, you already look like you don't want to be here, the last thing I need is the press seeing how angry you are about it."

I turned my back on her and looked into the room to see the press now filing in with Diane having informal conversations with some of them. The outcome of our heated conversation was that Holly was even saltier when she entered the press room. We sat at the front on a small stage, only inches apart and I could feel the angry heat radiating off her.

She took the questions and answered them well but with an edge that threatened no follow-up questions. My job was to facilitate and keep things honest. I'd said at the start that there would be no chat about non-football-related matters. I fully expected nobody to listen. I wasn't surprised when they didn't.

"Holly, what do you think Lucas will think about your move?"

I went to step in, but Holly put her hand on my arm subtly and the spark of her touch silenced me. "He'll love it, his windows are a lot safer now I'm here." There were hearty laughs and Holly smiled but it didn't reach her eyes.

"How long you think he'll last without you?" Asked a reporter from one of the national rags, innocent as you like.

"Okay guys, that's enough," I said, stepping in. "Football-related questions only and you just lost 5 minutes of Holly's time."

I finished the press conference shortly after and we went back through the side door as journalists filtered out of the front. Holly walked off down the corridor without another word.

That evening, I met Lucy for dinner. She'd organised it as soon as she saw the announcement about Holly joining. We spent time talking about her latest girlfriend and how well it was going and then her work. I was stalling to avoid talking about my job, which now felt to be in a bit of a crisis following the conversation that morning. When I could find no other viable conversation points, I talked Lucy through the last couple of days while I made my way through a chicken tikka masala. Lucy paused for a long time, thinking over everything I'd said. She spent time dipping her naan into her curry until I could take it no more and prodded her along with an impatient, "Well?"

"I think she's hurting," Lucy said without delay. "I think she left a really shit situation and now thinks she's been dumped right into another one," she waved her naan at me as she spoke, letting me know in no uncertain terms that I was the shit situation.