Broken Defence - Revised -- Pt. 01

I dabbed at her wound before running alcohol wipes over the area. Holly gasped but otherwise kept quiet. I ran a bandage around her hand and tied it up. That would have to do.

She looked up at me and took a weak breath. "I don't want to make you hate me anymore. I can't do it, the pain that I feel from how you react when you're around me, it's killing me," she trembled as she spoke, her vulnerability finally creating a space for honesty.

I stared at her, realisation dawning on me. "So, I was right? This," I said, pointing between us, "has been about causing yourself pain?"

Holly closed her eyes, suddenly she looked so frightened and those walls which had gone up so quickly only minutes ago had fallen again. She nodded.

"Holly, I don't hate you and nothing you can do would make me hate you, so you've been wasting your time," I insisted. I put a reassuring arm around her, and she let me. It was the first intimate touch we'd had since she returned, and I saw her physically relax into it.

"If you were in my head you'd hate me," she whispered. "I'm a fucking disgrace."

I gulped; I was startled by the harshness of her words.

"How have you hidden all of this from the medical team?" I kept my tone even, but I was angry. They should have seen this.

"They know. About the weight loss and the appetite. They want me to see a therapist." Holly spoke about it mechanically, and clinically. "They don't know about the other stuff, only you've ever known about that. They don't know about you because I can't talk about it, it isn't possible with the mess my head's in."

"Caroline knows," I replied and then seeing Holly's visible surprise, I added, "Or has worked it out from what you've said."

I paused my questioning and focused on checking the bandage around her hand was doing its job. "That's deep enough to need stitches, I'm going to need to take you to the hospital."

Holly looked at me like I was mad. "Have you seen the state of me? I can't go to the hospital like this. What if a kid wants a picture and the press gets hold of it? How's that going to look? I can see the headlines: 'Dane in a daze after breakup' or 'Holly has a breakdown after fleeing her ex'."

"It's been months Holly; nobody will care for a headline like that. It's old news!" I reassured her.

"Yeah?" said Holly in response, her eyes wild. "Go on my Instagram and have a look at the private messages. Tell me then that everyone has forgotten. Or the porn sites all over the web that still won't take it down. See how many views it gets daily. Or what some of the players say when they're crunching me on the grass."

"I don't want to," I said firmly but evasively.

"You don't get it," she raged, switching into anger suddenly. "Most of the money I make is sponsorship that comes with being a pretty, athletic sportswoman. I've lost most of those sponsors because I lost my lovely wholesome image."

Holly spat those last three words out in disgust, and I could guess how much she hated being seen that way in the first place. "Now the ones that I still have are banking on me having a redemption arc and being marketable again. So how do I become marketable again Tank? I fucking look good whenever I'm in public and I keep my head down. Do you understand? Do you fucking understand what that means for me, to do that? To keep quiet, to look presentable all the fucking time when I'm out and never speak my mind."

Right then, I started to get an idea of how bad it was for her. Why she continued to keep silent after every dangerous tackle and worryingly, how that would build up the self-loathing she clearly had. Holly, always so vocal and forthright, having to silently take the abuse so that she could keep sponsors happy? It would be hell for her, I saw the final piece of the jigsaw now. I opened my mouth and closed it again. I had nothing to say.

She unlocked her phone and got Instagram up before handing it to me. "Look at it," she demanded painfully but forcefully. I scrolled through tons of messages including screen grabs of the video. Some messages made my skin crawl.

I looked at the date stamps. "This is only since Saturday?! Do you... do you read them all?"

Holly gave a small nod. "Mostly."

I looked at her only inches away from me and saw the fear in her again from my reaction. She was going through a full range of emotions and looked to be exhausted.

"I won't show you the emails and other social media if you're looking like that just from Instagram," she added quietly.

I opened and closed my mouth, trying to find words. I had nothing to offer her, and I was suddenly exhausted too. I had no words of reassurance, no solutions to her situation. I was utterly useless.

Finally, she said, "Do you see why I can't go to the hospital looking like this?"

I hated that she was right. I hated why she was right, but she was. If those headlines came true, I wasn't sure if she could get through it, even with my support. Which I wasn't yet sure she was going to continue to want after tonight.

"How about putting some makeup on then and brushing your hair?"

Holly held up her bandaged hand. "Yeah, doing it left-handed would look great. It'd be as bad as you doing it."

"Well, that throws my next suggestion out of the window," I joked.

Holly laughed, actually laughed at that. It warmed my heart more than I could say, especially after reading those messages.

I thought over alternative suggestions, taking into consideration her hand and landed on one that seemed the most feasible, but I was most hesitant about. "What about if I help you have a bath?" I said, not feeling great about the idea.

Holly looked even worse about it. She looked steadily at a spot on the counter and said, "Trust me Tom, you don't want to see me naked."

It wasn't a flat-out 'no' which meant Holly knew it was the best option too. "I promise to be as appropriate as possible; I'll try not to look at anything you don't want me to see." I wasn't talking about her private areas.

Holly sighed and nodded. "Bathroom's that way," she said at last, pointing to her left. "I'm going to go and get some clothes."

I watched her go and then took the direction she instructed. By the time she came back in, I was running her a warm bath which was rising rapidly. The plumbing definitely was a selling point for the building.

"Let me know when you're ready to take your clothes off and I'll turn away." I carried on messing with the taps to get the temperature right for her.

"I think I'd like you to see what I look like now so it's over with before you see me in the bath. I'll tell you when to turn around, just don't make a fuss, okay?"

"Okay," I said, looking into the bath and seeing my reflection. The bubbles in the bath didn't help but I already felt I that looked paler, and it was accompanied by a pit in my stomach.

I could hear Holly taking her clothes off slowly, broken by the occasional sigh of pain. "You're going to need to tell me which bruises really hurt so I know to try and avoid them."

"It won't be hard to tell," she said with a humourless laugh.

There was a pause and then she sighed. "I've had so many nightmares about you seeing me like this over the last few months and how you'd react. How you'd no longer see the person you knew and instead you'd see the dirty whore everyone says I am. The idea of you thinking that about me..." she trailed off.

The silence reminded me that my hand was still in the water, heat rising. I turned the cold water tap on, trying to find words, any words.

"Now here we are, and I feel strangely calm," she continued. "I guess I've realised just this second that not even you can like me if I don't like myself."

I smiled and had to breathe myself through some tears. "Okay, bath's ready," I said, voice catching. "Am I okay to turn around?" I couldn't respond to what she'd said, or I'd break, and I was trying to be strong for Holly.

"Yeah, just don't stare please."

I turned around with my eyes aiming for where I knew her voice to be. Holly stood to the side and was looking down at the floor between us, unable to look me in the eye. I held out my hand, my eyes still looking at her unfocused hazel ones and brought her over to the bath ahead of me. She leaned over the bath to check the temperature and I saw a large bruise over her kidney which I hadn't seen from my angle the other day. Her bum also had bruising from the number of falls she had been taking.

"Stop checking out my ass," she said. I could hear the playfulness in her voice, and the slight growth in confidence.

"Guilty," I lied.

She got in slowly and I helped her in, which gave me a view of her front as she sat down. I'd seen most of it the other day, the only thing that was hard to ignore was her small, pointed nipples, which hadn't changed at all. I bypassed all the cuts over her inner thighs which were red raw and considerable.

I squeezed a cloth and soaped it up, setting about gently washing her. I worked my way from her (good) hand to her shoulders, neck and back the other way. Then I gently did her back, being extra careful with her bruises. By the time I got to her front, she was leaning back against the bath and her eyes were closed. They opened slowly and watched me clean her breasts and then her stomach.

"You should do the next bit, but I'd like to do your legs if that's okay. They need taking care of as they're worth so much," I joked.

Holly gasped a little as she got to her thighs. "I've got some cream in the first aid kit that may help," I said gently. She nodded, focused on gentle tapping at the cuts with the cloth. I looked away before she looked up and handed me the cloth again. I continued washing her legs clean and then I got to her feet and did the same.

"Now I get to wash your hair," I said, a little too excitedly.

"Why do I get the feeling you're enjoying this?"

"That would be because I am. Your hair is magic to me, always has been."

"Why?" Holly said with a laugh. "It's just hair!"

"I know that but you're the only blonde woman I've ever really fancied."

Holly looked up at me as I was talking and then shook her head. "I don't understand why you're still being so nice to me. I've done everything I could to push you away. Its nearly killed me doing it but I did it so you wouldn't have to be here when I broke," she said, indicating the situation with an expression of deep sadness.

"You know why Holly," I said gently. The reality of my feelings had come to me in that instant, no longer shielded against Holly's behaviour towards me now she'd opened up.

Silence fell between us and for the first time in a long time, it wasn't uncomfortable. "Tom, would it completely kill the mood if I asked you to kiss me? Just like, on the lips. I want to try to feel something again."

I hesitated for less than a second and then I leaned over without replying and kissed Holly gently. Our lips caught each other's and connected perfectly. I felt the spark immediately. It had never gone; it couldn't have if it felt this strongly already. I closed my eyes and Holly did the same. When we broke apart, neither of us opened our eyes for a few seconds, taking it in.

I carried on with my original task with renewed hope, moving to her hair which I washed using the showerhead connected to the bath. I helped Holly out and wrapped her tightly in a huge towel then got another for her hair.

"We really should get to the hospital soon," I pointed out.

I drove her there in my car, after assuring her I'd be fine to go. "There's a difference between going to a hospital and being triggered by people who are dying and taking you to get your hand stitched up," I said.

We sat in the car in silence, just the radio for company. It didn't bother me at all as I knew Holly was deep in thought. I was too, given everything that had happened, and I didn't have half as much going on. The hospital had us fill out some forms and then we took a seat ready to wait a few hours.

"Would you mind going to get me some coffee?" Holly asked.

"Sure, a cappuccino?" I teased.

It made Holly smile, and I left her without needing a reply. When I returned with a coffee each, she took it with thanks and kept her phone open on the home screen on her lap.

"Whatcha doing?" I asked, trying to play it cool but worried she had started to read more messages on Instagram.

Holly took a sip and let out a deep sigh of contentment. "I should have asked you to get me a cake," she said longingly.

"Well let me go back," I said, already jumping up. I could already see her coming back to life now she'd decided to let me in.

"Do you mind? It's nice to feel hungry again."

"Not in the slightest Hollywood."

"Thanks, Tom," she said quietly.

"You're not calling me Tank anymore," I noted.

She smiled sadly. "I've realised I'll need to let go of some of the old things, Tom. Some of the old parts of me or I'm never going to move forward with my life. You were Tank when I was a different person. I'm not that person and I can't be anymore. I need to accept that and stop thinking you are too."

"Would it help if I stop calling you Hollywood? I can think of a better nickname?"

"Yeah, I'd like that, it was always a bit shit anyway." Her smile had reached her hazel eyes and it was a beautiful sight.

I chuckled and went off again. I bought Holly four different cake and cookie options as I had no idea what she wanted anymore. I saw that she picked the oatmeal and raisin cookie when I returned and made a mental note for future reference.

We left the hospital after midnight and I was exhausted as was Holly, her palm and fingers now properly stitched and bandaged. Holly offered me her couch to save me the drive home. I took the offer and set an early alarm so I could get home and change. Holly had to give me one of her own pillows to sleep on before she went to sleep as she had no spare ones. I shook my head in a jokey way and left her to go to sleep.

As tired as I was, I struggled to get my brain to rest, as I replayed almost every moment of the evening and tried to interpret what it meant. Holly crept by in the middle of the night to use the bathroom while I pretended to be asleep. I saw her pause at the kitchen island on the way back through and then turn around to look at me. It was too dark to see her face properly and then she was gone.

I awoke the next morning at the sound of my alarm, and I jumped up quickly, wanting Holly to get as much sleep as possible. I tried to tidy up a little bit, as quietly as I could. I wasn't necessarily a neat freak, but experience had taught me it becomes very quick to be overwhelmed again after you turn the hypothetical corner. I didn't want Holly to walk out of her bedroom and see chaos. It was when I was putting the plates in the dishwasher that I saw Holly had written a note out for me on the counter during the night.

Tom,

You'll never know how much you did for me today. I'm in a bad way but knowing you still won't give up on me makes all the difference.

Holly

I re-read her note multiple times and debated taking it with me. But it felt better knowing it would stay with her. I wrote a message underneath it.

Holly,

You're the bravest woman I know. You never stay down, it's who you are. I'll be here to watch you get back up again.

Tom x

P.s Call me sometime, you have my number.

***

End of Part 1