tagHumor & SatireBronson County

Bronson County


My name is Hill. My friend's name is Billy. We are striking out to be rapist. We are both seniors and eighteen years old. It seemed a good rite of passage to rape some girls. It's what we do in Bronson County. A Sunday is dead boring here, except for all the raping going on. We walked into Rosie's County Park. That's the best place for raping. It's secluded. It has many young female runners and plenty of bushes to hide. We didn't have much experience. But, you have to start somewhere.

The trail was neatly groomed with sand. Dry grass grew at the sides. Little trees were planted with their supporting stalk. The strings were still in place to tie the tree and supporting stalk together. There was a thick green bush right next to the walking path.

"Billy, we have found our perfect hide out bush. Excellent location and superior leaf coverage."

Billy immediately turned his sneakers toward the bush, when a hand started waving from behind the bush. "No, not here. This bush is taken!"

I was startled. However, this is a popular raping location. So, we had to deal with competitors. All the other bushes came alive as well. "Not here either." "This one is taken as well." There was literally a rapist behind every bush. So, we had to keep walking for quite a bit until we found an unoccupied bush. It was actually a perfect location. It was at the bottom of an indentation. There was a slope going up on either side. So, our prey would be slowed down.

We laid down behind the bush on our belly. Billy pulled his iPod out to listen to music. I got the rapist pack out. The corner store next to the park sold rapist packs. Half the people going in the park were rapists. So, it only made sense to cater to them. The other half was being raped. So, the store sold rape trauma kits right next to the rape kids. The clerk tried to sell me a trauma kit saying that it would be a kind gesture after the rape to hand her a trauma kit. Fucking capitalists! Of course, I saw the upsell and steered clear of it.

So, the rape kit consisted of a black panty hose to wear over the head. There was a yellow no brand condom. And, there was a pamphlet with the rapist credo. I read it out to my partner.

"I am the all-powerful black panther. I lay in hiding for hours to pounce on the unsuspecting prey... Hey, Billy what are you doing?"

Billy was resting on his forearms. His butt was high in the air. And, he was twitching his butt left and right.

"Hill, I'm the black panther. I am pumping my thighs to get ready to pounce. I saw a panther do that in the zoo, before it ran after a mouse."

"Billy, your butt is sticking over the hedge."

Raping was pretty boring. We were sitting in the hot August sun for two hours. Luckily, the rapist kit came with rapist hydration. It seemed like a regular water with minerals and vitamins added. We almost missed our first victim.

She was a girl in gray sweat pants that said "pink." She wore her black hair in a ponytail. She listened to her iPod and was completely unaware of her. She was maybe a little chubby. I was ready to run, when Billy pulled on my sleeve.

"Hey, I ain't going to put my dick, where you put yours. We should figure out, who gets to do her."

"Okay, let's do paper-rock-scissors."


We both had paper. So I speculated that he was thinking that I would be too smart to simply pick scissors and pick rock. So, he would pick paper. So, I had to pick scissors. Damn, we both had scissors. This was hard. Next time, I thought ten moves ahead of him and picked rock. He had picked rock again. I guess great minds think alike.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that our victim was getting away. In panic, I ran after her. We jumped her and pinned her to the ground. She was chubby, way chubby, a fat chick. Her t-shirt rolled up her belly. It exposed stretch marks and fat folds. There was a big hairy black mole on her chin.

"Billy, I can't do that. That's just too nasty."

"Hill, that's one gnarly broad. I'm gonna pass as well."

The girl was lying on her back trying to put her legs in the sky and spread them. She was so unflexible that she looked pretty helpless. "Rape me, rape me," she whimpered with a high pitched little piggy voice.

We turned away and walked off. She came after us and tried to pull our pants down. We felt terror in our limbs. We ran. We ran as if our life depended up that hill. She was huffing and puffing behind us, as out of shape as she was. On top of the hill was a turn. An urgent voice whispered to us, "over here, over here. I saw the whole thing. Quickly."

So, the other rapist generously shared his bush with us. It was actually a quiet jovial group of people among the nearby bushes. We quickly started trading comics and music to pass the time. There was a constant hollering of "Who has the Mickey Mouse #56?" and the like.

Meanwhile in the sheriff station, the mayor faced the sole police officer Doobie. The mayor had a suit and tie. Doobie sat with his legs on the police desk.

"Doobie, we can't let reports of the rapes get out. It'll ruin the tourism. You know this county depends on tourism."

"Yes, mayor. I shredded all the rape report."

"Doobie, it's in the newspaper. On the front page, it talks about a rape. You have to confiscate all the county newspapers immediately."

"But, how could I do that?"

"Printing that article is interfering with an ongoing police investigation. That's illegal."

"But, it's not ongoing. You told me to stop it."

"Doobie, if that article is out, tourists will stop coming."

"That's bad. But, what if a tourist gets raped?"

"Doobie, there are no tourists. Have you ever seen a tourist? So, how could she or he get raped?"

"Mayor, isn't your argument circular?"

"I played the tourist card. It's like the joker. It always gets you out of trouble. You should try it some time."

"I'm on my way to confiscate all the newspapers."

Back in the bushes, a spunky, slender girl came bouncing down the path. Her ponytail was swinging left and right. She wore tight stretch shorts. And, the boobs were perky and pronounced in the too small t-shirt.

"Billy, Billy, she's right."

All the other rapist waved us to go ahead and rape her. They stared into the air pretending not to care about raping that particular girl. She was hot. We ran for her. Billy grabbed her arms and pinned them behind. I looked at her with a big grin and inspected her body – well our body.

Then, she opened her mouth. She talked fast as a blizzard, "oh my gosh, I'm being raped. This is so exciting. I must text all my girlfriends, lol. Oh, I'm going to make a musical about this." And, then she started singing with that trallering musical voice, "A pretty girl went prancing down the trail..."

"Hill, run! Run! My ears are taking massive damage."

So we ran. She came after us for a while. The worst part was, when she tried to impersonate our voices with her fake baritone. We just had enough of raping. It was boring and hot out there. And, the victims were plain lousy.

The next day, we got up way before sunrise. We claimed that first bush right with the first morning light. Yesterday, all the other guys had picked the best victims before they reached us. Today, we would have first dips.

The other guys showed up. They were mad that we had taken the spot. But, rapist etiquette required that they had to leave us alone. We gave them the stinky finger and taunted them – "First bush gets the most bush!"

Pretty soon, the first hottie showed up. She was one trim hard body. She had all the right muscles and curves. She stopped right in front of our bush to do stretching. She raised that little butt of hers into the air. The fabric stretched and gave us an idea of her panties. She did lounges in front of us that gave us a deep looking down her t-shirt to hanging and bouncing boobs. Rapist would spend decades in the lure to get a prime specimen like this one. And, we'd score her on her first day.

So, we jumped out of the bush. Billy got in front of her. I crept up from behind. We threw her on the ground. Billy pulled those yoga pants down to her knees. And, then we were dumbfounded.

She was wearing what looked like some kind of chastity belt. She propped herself up and spoke with a quick and articulated voice.

"This is the chastity belt 5100. It comes with titanium reinforced Kevlar. If you want to break through this, you need to work a blow torch for a whole hour. Once you get through the outer layer, I have a dentate implanted. It's a syringe needle that is spring loaded. Any penis or finger in my cha-cha will make it shoot forward and inject black mamba poison. It takes out an Indian elephant in a microsecond."

"Oh, gosh, we didn't realize, it's that complicated. What do we do?"

"I'm glad you asked. I happen to have this deluxe rapist kit on me. For a low monthly payment of $39.99 for 64 months, you'll get a portable blow torch, medical kit, lock breaking kit, and it comes with a free candy. What do you say boys?"

"That's a lot of money."

"Nowadays, every woman wears one of these. So, if you are real rapists, you need this."

"Billy, we got a lucky break. We gotta take the deal. Hand over your credit card."

She typed the credit card number into her cell phone. After a few seconds, she said that we were good. She got us a black packet out of her backpack.

"So, could we rape you now with the kit?"

"Well, you get a free subscription to our blow torch handling online classes. It takes about three weeks to go through the video to learn how to handle it without blowing yourselves up. So, have fun!"

She got up, wiped the dirt of her pants, and ran away.

"I think we got duped."


There was a lot of giggling behind the bushes. "Yep, she scammed all of us. You better cancel all your credit cards and replace your driver license. She's an identity thief specializing on rapists."

I guess, you learn the hard way. Half hour later, a cutie pie from the other class in school came by. She had had her eighteenth's birthday party recently. So, we knew that we could rape her without having to worry about her being underage. And, we knew that this was the real deal, because all of the guys came running from behind the bushes. It was like a mad dash to who got her first.

And, the first lucky guy was only smiling for a second. Then, the next guy jumped on top. It was pretty quickly a huge football pile up with the girl at the bottom. When we had her, a big blond guy with a chipped tooth claimed. A guy with a leather jacket punched him in the face and claimed her. A brawl broke out. I took a fist to the eye. My head bounced to the ground.

When I came to, there were only three guys left punching each other. Everyone else was groaning on the floor. The girl had snuck away, while everyone was busy fighting for her. I yelled out, "she's gone!"

"We gotta find her!"

"How stupid are we?"

"We'll never find her. The park is too big!"

"Hold on, I'll call the cop to help us find her."

"Why would you call a cop, you idiot?"

"The cop is on our side. He is the mayor's lackey. And, the mayor doesn't want any rapes going public. So, he'll help us get her before she gets to the news media. Be quiet."

The guy talking picked up his phone. We were silent with tension.

"Doobie, one of our rape victims got away. We haven't even started yet. Can you help us?"

"Guys, listen up, he's getting the police chopper to canvas for her."

A few minutes later, the heavy boom of a chopper came. He circled us once and then made reconnaissance lines over the park. He stood in one place, slowly trailing. We knew that he was over the girl. So, we ran there as fast as we could. When Doobie saw that we had her for sure, he left.

We cornered her. Someone tied her wrist to a tree to make sure that she couldn't get away. We still didn't know how to pick who would get to rape her.

A geeky dude with glasses raised his voice: "That's the mayor's daughter." Everyone called out "oh, shit." Someone called the mayor on his cell phone. The mayor asked the phone to be handed to his daughter.

"Daddy, daddy, I'm so glad that you are going to safe me!"

"Honey pie, you gotta take one for the team."

"What daddy? I don't understand."

"Honey pie, we need tourism dollars. This whole community depends on you getting raped and shutting up. Do you know where the money for your ballet classes comes from? You like your pink ballet shoes, don't you."

"Yeah, I like those pointe shoes. They are awesome. But..."

"No butt, be a team player. This whole county will thank you."


The mayor hung up. The guys were as dumbfounded as his daughter. Someone suggested, "uhm, I guess we should get our raping going on."

Then, the daughter spotted something. "John!" She yelled louder and with authority "John!" A handsome guy in the back stepped forward. "Yes, honey."

"I don't believe it. You told me that you couldn't go on our romantic trip, because you had to be at work. And, now I catch you raping other women!"

"It's not what it looks like. I mean, it looks like I'm out here raping girls with my friends. But, it's really a misunderstanding."

"I loved you!" said the daughter and started sobbing. John ran to her to hold her hand, while kneeling in front of her. "Don't cry, sweetheart. Please, don't cry. I'll make you your favorite ice cream. We'll go to the zoo and feed the dolphins!"

John's best friend whispered, "hey John, I'm gonna go now." Once John's best friend started walking away, everyone quickly followed to escape the emo outbreak.

While I walked away with Billy, I shook my head and sighed, "we are never going to be rapist. It's just too darn hard."

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