Brother Anselm on Forgiveness

Yes, Gary, what we did to you was an asshole move, but I knew that you'd have withdrawn your approval for the pregnancy and pushed for a late termination to save my life, because you love me that much. And you'd have done that for me, because when a man loves a woman as much as I know you love me, that's the kind of thing he would do for her.

But you are reading this letter and this means you have found out about the chicanery we used. Please don't be cross with the notary. She didn't know any better and we had your birth certificate with us as identification.

The man we used as your stand-in, the ringer, was just a friend of Paul's, from his workplace, so he's of no real consequence. Please don't seek him out to get any revenge on him. He's not worth it.

Gary, I know I am making a massive demand of you. I'm demanding that you accept what we did and that you'll be lonely for the rest of your life, maybe 40 years or more. I'm really sorry about this and I'm crying as I write this.

But please, please know and understand that if there could have been another way to do this, I would have done it. Mary needed her baby and I'm praying that the baby will be healthy and safe and that you won't hate her for taking me away from you and from Julieta.

No matter how long it is, 40 or 50 years or whatever, please know that I will be waiting for you.

I'm so, so sorry.

All my love,

Sandra***

He carefully refolded the letter, placed it back in the envelope and pocketed it.

Mary could not read the expression on his face.

"Julieta," he called out loudly.

"Yes, Dad?" she replied.

"Please put the baby down, get your belongings and come back home with me. Now!"

Julieta shook her head, a sorrowful expression on her face. "I'm sorry, Dad, but I can't do that. Mary, my little sister and Paul need me here."

Gary looked shocked. "I'm serious! You are only 16 and you will do what I tell you! You'll come with me. You can see the baby later, but I need you at home with me. Now!"

Julieta said: "No, Dad. I don't have to. Paul and Mary have explained it all to me. I can get a judge to emancipate me from you. Then Paul and Mary can adopt me and then I will be the baby's real sister!"

Mary was horrified as she watched Gary, because it was as if she was watching Gary expire right before her. The light in his eyes faded, guttered and died.

She and Paul had discussed the possibility of emancipation and of adoption with Julieta but they were in no way ready to discuss this with Gary, and now she knew they'd been bumped into this situation far too early, especially for Gary who must be feeling heartbroken, she realized.

"Gary, I know this has come as a shock to you, but can't you just leave Julieta with us for a couple of days so we can all get together to talk this all through, later?"

"Dad! It's not like you wouldn't ever see me again! We could meet up for lunch and stuff and this'll be good, because I can be on Paul's health insurance and..." Julieta's babbling faded out as she saw the expression on her father's face.

"That doesn't matter. You've obviously all made up your minds. I'll not stand in your way. My lawyer will deal with this for me. Contact her. Don't bother me. It's interesting that Paul, the man of your family, is hiding in the background."

He glared at Mary: "Still, it's not like Paul and Sandra actually fucked, is it? I suppose I should be grateful for that small mercy?"

Mary gasped and the look of guilt on her face told Gary all he needed to know. "Fucking great! So you all turned me into your fucking clueless cuckold? Did you know about Paul and your mother having sex, Julieta?"

Julieta shook her head, whispering "No. No, Daddy, I didn't. Honestly!"

Gary shrugged and sneered at her. He looked at her guilt-ridden face and he didn't believe her.

Mary said: "It was only a couple of times, Gary! We, Paul Sandra and myself got together, it was like a sort of reward for Sandra for helping give us the family we wanted! It didn't mean anything other than that!"

Paul looked at her and Julieta, aghast. "What fucking reward did I get? Nothing! You took my wife and my daughter away from me!"

Mary said: "Before you think any worse of us, Julieta was never involved. She really is just like another daughter to us."

He turned away from them and shouted: "Paul! I'm coming for you!" He began stomping through the house to where he knew Paul was, but before he could get to Paul in the next room he heard the scrabbling of Paul's feet, the rear door crashing open and moments later, he heard the screech of tires from the back yard parking area.

"Piece of shit!" he shouted after Paul.

He looked at the two cowering females and the now whimpering baby. He shook his head and, in silence, walked out of the house feeling gutted, to say the least.

The two adult female occupants of the house sobbed. For Gary, for Sandra and also for themselves. Learning exactly what kind of a piece of shit you are can really hurt, especially if you happen to have an overinflated sense of your own innate goodness and worth as a person.

Three days later, four large boxes were delivered to the house by a courier; they were filled with Julieta's and Sandra's belongings.

A week later they received a letter from Gary's lawyer inviting them to a meeting with her in her office. They were able to arrange to see her later that afternoon.

Realizing that they hadn't spoken with Gary since he stormed out of their house, Julieta tried to call him, but the number was now dead.

Mary tried to email Gary and it bounced back.

Concerned, they drove to Gary's house with the baby in a baby seat in the back of the car and they were horrified to see there was a SOLD sign in the front yard for a company called Ultra Quick Realtors. The house was secured with steel shutters and had clearly been emptied out.

Julieta began to sob and said: "No! This can't be happening! I want my Dad! Where is he?"

"I don't know, honey. Let's wait until we see his lawyer later today. She'll be able to tell us where he is."

That wasn't what happened. His lawyer, Grace Pettigrew Esq, viewed her client's daughter and sister-in-law with utter contempt. She was just about able to hide her contempt with a thin veneer of professionalism.

Mary spoke first. "MS Pettigrew, can you please tell us where Gary is? Is he safe? Is he well?"

Grace flickered them with a glance that could have melted steel. "I'm afraid that's not possible. Mr. Jones has left very firm instructions. These include not giving you or his former daughter his location or any other details of his life.

"He has also given me a Power of Attorney to deal with your emancipation, Julieta, and to deal with the paperwork regarding your adoption."

"But what if I don't want to be emancipated any longer? And what do you mean, 'former daughter?'" Julieta asked.

Grace shrugged, and said, "That's too bad, because your father now no longer considers you to be his daughter, that's why I said former daughter."

There were tears, there were protestations, but eventually the paperwork was signed and that was that. Julieta had new parents, a new sister and a new home. The Family Court would deal with the final say on the adoption, but that was merely a rubber-stamping exercise.

Eventually, Paul and Mary had a baby naming ceremony in which they named the baby Sandi in memory of her dead birth mother.

***

Sixteen years later

It was a warm spring day and an attractive young blond girl of about 16 years of age paid off her Uber and looked up at the open gateway of Saint Luke's Monastery, which was in a delightfully wooded area in Northern California about 150 miles north of San Francisco.

She carried a backpack and approached an elderly man who was wearing the robes of a monk. "Excuse me, Sir," she said "I am Sandi Brady. I have an appointment with Brother Anselm at 1PM. May I ask you where I can find him, please?"

He smiled at her, and said, "Welcome to St Luke's Monastery. Brother Anselm has mentioned he was expecting a visitor, so I will take you to him now. Please follow me."

He escorted her to Brother Anselm's room, which was filled with shelving that had books neatly placed on them. Pride of place was given to a couple of YouTube award plaques.

Brother Anselm had been sitting at his desk, behind a computer. He smiled, said: "Thank you for bringing my guest to me, Brother Michael."

Brother Michael smiled in reply and closed the door behind him as he left the room.

He gave his visitor a look that was both appraising, yet also warm and welcoming. He swiftly moved from behind his desk and hugged her to him, a hug that she returned.

"It's been a very long time since I saw you last," he said. "You were only a month or so old."

She looked at him "So I was right? You are Gary Jones? I mean, we emailed and I thought you were, you looked like some photographs at home, but why did you change your name? Was that to hide from them?"

He laughed and led her to a comfortable leather sofa that was in the room, opposite to the desk.

They sat down. He shook his head, smiled and said: "Oh, no. It's something monks and nuns do. It has its basis in the Bible. New names were given to men and women to signify their special role in salvation; we monks take new names to signify acceptance of our new life."

"Why did you choose Brother Anselm?"

Gary chuckled as he said, "Well, let's face it. Would Brother Gary be a suitable and an appropriate name for a monk? I chose the name after a Benedictine monk called St. Anselm, who I studied and felt drawn to. Especially his writings on the atonement. Oh! Dear me! I forgot to ask. Would you like a drink, Sandi?"

She shyly nodded and asked for a can of Coke, which he removed from a mini fridge that was in his room.

"What happened to you, Brother Anselm? I mean, after you left them? I have been told several stories over the years, but I'm not sure that I believe all of what they said. After all, who wants to show themselves up as assholes?" She flinched and quickly glowed with embarrassment at her faux pas.

Brother Anselm grinned, and said, "Oh, don't worry about that word. I'm sure the Lord has heard far worse than that!"

He sat back on the sofa, put his hands on his knees and began to tell Sandi the whole sordid story of what had happened.

Sandi sat, entranced, her can of Coke forgotten about as she sat enthralled by the dreadful story that was unfolding.

When he reached the end of the story, in as far as he knew it, Sandi said, "What a horrible story! Yeah, as I guessed Mom and Julieta both told me pretty much the story that you just told me, but, of course, they sort of glossed over their parts in it. They tried to make themselves look better in their versions, but to be honest, your version sort of chimes in with the reality of what happened, or maybe I should say it chimes in with what I sort of guessed really happened?

"They told me you sold the house and disappeared on them, leaving your lawyer to deal with everything."

He closed his eyes for several seconds, trying to get his thoughts in order. He reopened his eyes and began to speak again. "That was a very bad time for me. Very bad indeed. The hospital board overruled their legal department, so they weren't prosecuted for their fraud on the hospital. They already were receiving some criticism for their in vitro pregnancy work, and they didn't want any bad publicity.

"So, I decided to quit my job and went on a vacation to Lake Tahoe, staying in a city called South Lake Tahoe.

"After a couple of weeks, I suddenly began to feel off. Not exactly ill but certainly, as I said, off. Eventually, I collapsed in the street; apparently I was babbling and raving, and after being taken to a local hospital for evaluation, I was taken by ambulance to a mental health facility where I remained for several months, getting the treatment I had missed out on previously."

Sandi briefly touched his shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. "How did you end up here, as a monk?"

"The monastery sends monks out in the wider community helping different people, doing yard work for the infirm or the elderly or visiting people in hospitals who were not receiving visitors. Now, I guess you could say that it was my fault that I wasn't receiving visitors. After all, I could have told Mary and Julieta where I was, but I was still hurting from what they'd done, so I especially didn't want to see them. Plus, I hated Paul with a passion. Also, I am an only child and both of my parents had died before I married Sandra, so I had nobody else to contact.

"I began speaking to them and I started to get an overwhelming desire to serve the Lord in the monastery they were based from, which was here."

"What did you do then?"

"I became baptized and confirmed, joined the monastery and began performing various tasks and jobs and I began to study online. I earned a Bachelor's degree, then an MA and a Doctorate in Theology. One of the fields that I specialized in was forgiveness. Eventually, I started a YouTube channel of my sermons, mainly on forgiveness and, well, that's how we met up, wasn't it, you and I? Do you like my video presentations, Sandi?"

She nodded vigorously. "Oh, yes! I found them very helpful."

He looked interested. "Why was that?"

"I felt that I needed to learn about forgiveness, I Googled the topic, your videos came up and pretty soon I was hooked. Then when I realized who you were, it all became very relevant to me."

Suddenly, and almost against his will, Gary, Brother Anselm, became inquisitive. "How are Mary and Julieta? How is Paul?"

From the sour expression on her face, he realized he had struck a raw nerve. She snorted before she replied. "Mom, I mean Mary and Julieta are sort of okay, I guess. If they could stay sober once in a while, it would help.

"As for my dad, Paul, I haven't seen that man (it was obvious to Brother Anselm that she chose her descriptor carefully) since I was eight years old. Apparently, he'd been having a hot and heavy affair with his secretary for 15 or so years and when her husband died, he just took off and left with her. Mom was devastated, of course, and that was when she began to drink heavily. I think Julieta mainly just drinks to keep her company. He still sends alimony every month. Maybe he's feeling guilty."

Brother Anselm shook his head. "I am somehow not convinced he's feeling any guilt, but that's not my call to make.

"You know, I'd love to be able to say that Paul running off with his secretary like that was a big shock to me, but I can't say that as it seems like the type of nasty thing he would do."

Sandi shrugged, and replied, "Yeah, I guess so. After he ran off, Mom got drunk and babbled on about how she, Paul and Sandra had got it together physically a couple of times. I mean, I really didn't need to know that, I guess, but it did show what a bastard he was. Oh! Sorry."

Brother Anselm patted her shoulder. "Don't worry. I've used worse words against him in the past!"

She replied "I need to ask you, your videos on forgiveness, how were you ever able to forgive them for what they did?"

He smiled before replying. "Well, I tried to forgive them many times. Nothing worked, right up until I realized that I was not offering forgiveness to the one person who I really needed to forgive."

"Who was that?" she asked, puzzled.

"Myself," he replied.

"You? But why? You were innocent, weren't you?"

He shook his head. "Oh, I thought so, too, at first. But then I realized that I could have stopped the surrogacy from the very start, just shut them down. I think that my problem was that I loved Sandra too much. When a man loves a woman, he does tend to give her whatever she wants, if he can. So, maybe I did love her too much? I allowed the situation to continue on until she gave birth to you and she died."

"Do you forgive me for killing her?" asked Sandi.

"Oh, honey, no! You weren't to blame. At all. In fact, you were the only innocent person out of this whole situation."

"What do you think would have happened if you'd said no? Really put your foot down?"

He frowned and shook his head. "I really, really don't know, to be honest. I am not certain."

"Do you think they'd have gone ahead anyway?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. After all, I found that Paul and Sandra and Mary actually had sex, which was certainly not part of the arrangement we all had together, so even if I'd said no, would they have gotten together and got pregnant without my consent? Perhaps."

"Brother Anselm, there's one thing that does puzzle me. Maybe you can answer this for me?"

"I'll certainly try. What is it?"

"If my mom knew she would most likely die when she gave birth to me, why did she go ahead with the pregnancy?" Tears began to flow down her cheeks, and Brother Anselm reached over to a side table and grabbed her a handful of tissues from a box.

"I'm not sure. However, I gave that a lot of consideration over the past 15 or so years. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that she decided to end her own life, but in such a way as to tempt God. If she lived, that was God's will. If she died, well, that would also be God's will."

Sandi looked shocked: "What? Like playing Russian roulette with God? How on earth could that work?"

"You're right, Sandi. There's no way that it could work. To my mind it's like she was mocking God." He stood up, walked over to his desk and returned to her with a battered, well-loved copy of the Bible. He sat back down.

He quickly searched through the Bible and then stopped at a specific place. He read out loud: "This is from Galatians: 'Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.

"The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life."

Sandi looked scared. "Do you think she's in hell?"

He gave her a quick hug. "Oh, I doubt that very much. God won't be mocked, but he's not going to do something horrible like that to Sandra because of what she did. Thinking about it, I think she might have had a form of mental illness that she hid from her family and myself very well."

"Mom told me that Sandra told you in a letter that she was waiting for you. Do you think she is waiting for you?"

"I'm not sure about that. Even if she is, I think her idea of us somehow continuing as husband and wife isn't going to happen."

"Why not?"

He searched through the Bible again. "It says in the Bible when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like the angels in heaven, so if she's waiting for our marriage to continue, she'll be in for a shock, I should think."

Sandi nodded and looked thoughtful before she spoke again. "So, what now, Brother Anselm?"

"What do you want to do, Sandi?"

"Well, in the short term, I'm going to Google some hotel rooms nearby, stay overnight and then return home. I'd love to talk with you more. You've been so kind to me and so very helpful, already."

He smiled at her: "There's no need to do that. We have rooms here that you can stay in for as long as you want. I'll not have my niece tramping round the district trying to find a hotel room."

He pulled his cell phone out of his robes and made a call: "Hi, Brother Paul. Can you please sort out a room for my niece, Sandi, to stay in for a couple of nights? Oh, that's cool. Can you come and take her to her room? Thanks." He ended the call and put his phone back.

"Well, Sandi, that's arranged. I'll give you an hour to settle in, then I'll come collect you and we'll have a meal in the refectory. But for now, please let me give you my blessing?"

She kissed him on the cheek and smiled, nodding. "Thank you." Brother Anselm placed his hands on her head and gave her his blessing.