by penguin_
Idk why but I wonders what happened between Zach and Karen lol. Hope you make this story longer <3
This could be better. Some of the grammar in here is really bad. I'm not normally like this but, You really could have done better.
It's good to be vocal but damn it's as though it was written by a newbie.
Worthy of negative scoring.
Considering your disclaimer that this is not a quick jerk-off story, they jumped quite quickly to sex... And the talking was not long at all :D
So, does Karl initiate sex with Kyle or not? It seems Karl and Kyle are anxious to fall into bed with each other, but whether they get to the actual blow job and intercourse is not clear. I'd put them together as brothers to enjoy each other's bodies, tongues, etc. Give Karl (the older brother) some sexy chest hair while you're at it!
Your writing wasn't awful but the typos distracted me. And some parts actually confused me. Work on your writing to make it more clear & not seem like you're rambling
Your writing could use a bit of work. The story seems interesting enough, but there are plenty of typos that detract from it