But What Did S/He MEAN By That?

Examples shout when words give out.

A woman who wants to NOT HAVE SEX has a lot of ways to communicate that, but what can she say that will be understood? First, anything with a "Not" or negative that needs to be performed by the listener is a danger.

If she says anything vague like "don't know you well enough to do that"... every male knows that she probably has "done it" with guys she barely knew. The protest is a request to get to know him better, and being more forceful about getting sex is certainly exactly THAT.

If she says "I don't want to do that"... duh.. if she wanted to, she would already be doing it. People who use "don't want to" as a reason to not comply with a request should really be saying: "I want to NOT do that and I will not be doing that." This is a quick way to get fired from a job, but also explains why "I don't want to" is a very LAME excuse. People do all kinds of things, most of us daily, that we do NOT want to do. We just do them because... they need to be done and nobody else is going to.

If she says, "I'm not that kind of girl." it only means she does not know what the hell she is talking about because for sure she has not surveyed all the women who have had sex with me to find out "what kind of girl" does that.

If she says, "No!".. I tend to wonder what I am supposed to know, and often ask "Know what?". Why provide a negative without ANY qualification?

So let's assume she has repeatedly insisted that any mutual activity or touching be preceded by a REQUEST for PERMISSION to proceed.

I would enjoy going into great detail about why any vague request will often receive "don't understand" as if she were some kind of artificial stupidity (not AI). Let me provide some possible requests and you can figure out why they are defective. When I get to the "winner", I will continue the discussion after all the requests that are "too vague to understand".

"Would you allow me to love you?"

"Would you allow me to make love to you?"

Note these are questions, NOT request for permission.

Blah blah mentioned below is any kind of compliment, best adjusted to whatever the victim seems most proud of: appearance, smile, intelligence, humor... hell, why not list them all?

"blah blah... I want to kiss you." (Not a request... she will think you probably want to do a lot more than that but you simply can't be totally honest with her. But if she replied, "Please tell me exactly what you want.", she would not be pleased to learn about some of the details, which you may know will eventually enhance any sexual encounter YOU have, but she may misunderstand.

Why be honest when people can't understand or work with HONESTY. "I would really like to stop by your place for a few minutes every day and either have you suck me off, or a quickie fuck that would not take more than the BJ would."

Even if that is exactly what a woman has done with her last seven boyfriends, you can be certain they did not request it and that she did not consent. It simply HAPPENED, and once it got going, she knew she would "lose" the boyfriend if she protested.

So let's assume the rule about "asking first" is just bullshit because the format of the request was not explained. Now we will pretend that the format is:

"I am (hereby) asking for your permission to kiss your cheek right now, here in this car. Once. No tongue. No other touching."

The "once" and other qualifications should have been INSIDE the request, but I moved them out to make it more obvious that trying to explain every single detail is a long process, much akin to a contract that could be one page but ends up book-sized.

Marriage agreements are short. Divorce agreements tend to be at least as long as the US Constitution.

Now suppose she agrees and replies with the same detail (not just "OK" or "that sounds nice" (which, incidentally, is NOT consent). HER reply should be in the form: "I grant you permission to kiss my cheek once, right now, for less than three seconds, (new element!!) and only if there is no tongue involved and no other touching."

At this point, would I kiss her cheek? NO NO NO ... I would explain that if I can't touch her, she will need to pull down her pants herself, to expose the cheek she wants kissed.

Note: did you recognize that I turned my request into "what she wants"?

Feminists insist (and they probably are correct) that simply proceeding slowly and expecting the woman to stop you... does not consider that she may be AFRAID to stop you! But that includes cases where she will decide later that is why she did not stop you. Once you are actually DOING something, it is too late to request permission... but before you do it, there is no way at all for her to know HOW you will do it. If you do not make clear the details, she may explain that "I don't understand EXACTLY what you mean". Even the short single kiss without touching was vague enough to confuse her... so why not EXPECT some reaction to what actually happens?

So she decides to withdraw consent to the cheek kiss, doesn't that mean you have no restriction in terms of tongue and touching? She did agree, so maybe the only problem is that she is too fucking lazy to pull down her pants... but like the true gentleman you are, you decided to help without waiting to be asked.

Don't we all want others to KNOW WHAT WE WANT AND JUST DO IT? While we wait for them to request in deatil what they want, and may limit our fullfillment of the request in each and every way that was not specified in the original request.

That kind of detail is not required by sex workers, so why would it be considered useful for romantic entanglements?

BTW: the best way to provide a negative is to create some POSITIVE that does not have to be too closely related.

Another example: The guy (OK, me!) asks "I want your permission to caress your body, including all parts except your cornea.. in the expectation you will help me learn which kinds of caresses you do or do not enjoy."

Instead of "Just say NO", a woman could reply, "I will accept gifts that can be sold for money, or the money itself".

You asked for her permission... and she provided A permission for you to act upon. Do you want to do what she permits, or WHAT?

Anyway, forget all that... I suspect you already have. I am back there after brunch talking with a girl who is really a woman approaching middle-age (actually IS middle-age but she may read this). I have told her a FACT and she did seem interested in WHY I told her THAT FACT. She did not question its accuracy. She did not suggest she was more interested in my "future perfomance" than in past events that might not be repeated. Which would seem to be more important to her because she was not accusing me of rape, or even accusing me of bondage in my car OR ANYPLACE. (Same for the rape, she was not accusing me and had not asked about any accusation... so why didn't I tell her how cute Koalas are (until they want to mate and have to kill another cute koala to get at the pussy).

This is too difficult to explain and I doubt you care to understand it fully. I do have a lot more thoughts about it... but I will skip to the CONCLUSION: Just do whatever you want to do and pay attention to whether someone is strong enough to stop you, or influential enough to screw you later somehow (legally or illegally).

What actually happened was that I invited her into my old Chevy and had a belt ready to hold her neck to the neck brace. After that, I had a roll of duct tape, which is to say I USED my roll of duct tape. That stuff is good for EVERYTHING that WD-40 can't do.. and I should mention that WD-40 will remove that goo that duct tape sometimes leaves).

IF I had used the duct tape to wrap up my cock, I probably would not be in jail now... My defense was excellent but was ignored: "She never said the safe word".