Butter Pecan

Bobbie got there just as I finalized my call list; top three first, then the top three men's advocates. I knew I was going to end up with one of the latter, but like I said, I needed to make sure they wouldn't represent her. The top 3 were first, just because I figured I was in more danger of missing them if somehow Marie found out I was looking.

"Hey, bro, where are you? I've got something for you." Bobbie called out as he came into the house.

"Back in the office. Come on back". Just in case, I minimized the web browser (which was in 'Incognito' mode, so quick to close and no tracks), and minimized the phone list. I didn't need to have done that, but I didn't know if he would be alone when he came over; he was.

"Trying to get sneaky, Hank? Good, you need to be. Brought you a present, that's what took so long." he said as he handed me a small bag. Looking in, I saw a small clock radio, a tiny ceramic dog, three miniature recorders and two fat pens.

"What's this?"

"Recording devices. The clock and the dog are cameras, see?" as he pointed to the small lenses. "The voice recorders are small, voice activated, and can hold up to 8 hours. The pens are like the recorders, but can only hold two, BUT they have Bluetooth downloads; if a cell phone is nearby that has the appropriate blue tooth and app, you can snarf down the data, and reset them automatically, so you don't need to interact with them regularly, just get close. Their batteries last up to 30 days. I got them from Evan Smallwood this morning."

Evan was the reason I was determined to get a men's advocate. He'd been hosed in his divorce, after his wife, Karen, had been caught expanding her horizons and her legs with her boss two years earlier. I knew he figured out something wasn't right, and then went for the jugular after he got the goods, but before he locked things down. She begged, she pleaded, he laughed... and then she destroyed him in the divorce. Indiana is a no-fault state, she had gotten the better lawyer (Evan went cheap, she used her boss's money, in lieu of him being able to be sued by her over workplace harassment), and Evan had made the mistake of posting pictures on the Internet. The judge was not amused. Evan didn't go to jail, but it was a near thing. Upshot was, she cheated, she begged him to forgive her, but then she got 70%, he got 30% and community service, and still owes her alimony, all the while she's still expanding her legs for her boss. Ain't life grand? That was not going to be my fate, no sir; I wanted revenge, but didn't want to risk being someone's girlfriend in the slammer.

"Got a list of lawyers I want to touch base with." I replied.

"So, no chance then? Didn't think so, knowing you, but with a day or two to think..."

"No, no chance. One and done. That was always going to be true after the slut from hell. Or maybe I should say the first slut from hell!" I wryly chuckled. Before Marie, I'd been engaged, for all of six months, to my High School sweetheart, Michelle. College had been great, I thought, for us as a couple, but Michelle soon found it was also a happy hunting ground, or rather, a happy fucking ground, for 'other guys', specifically, 'other guys cocks'. When I found out that she'd slept with at least fifteen guys since accepting my ring (via the public health notice that told me I had to come in and get tested for Chlamydia), I was furious.

She didn't even have the guts to tell me face to face, she let the health department do it. She cried, I cursed, she said she was just trying to get other guys out of her system before we tied the knot, I cursed. And in private, I cried. My six months as a monk after getting my ring back reinforced that I didn't like people playing with my toys or in my playground, and I wasn't interested in playing in anyone else's, either. I wanted a one man woman, and I was going to be a one woman man. While Marie wasn't my "rebound", when I started dating again, she was the first, and only, I'd been intimate with since Michelle. Marie knew my history, she'd heard it recounted, and we'd been dating at the time of the 'one last effort' by Michelle to win me back. I have little doubt that Michelle had 'loved' me, in her way. I just couldn't deal with the way she also 'loved' others.

So Marie knew my history, knew how I would take being cheated on, and knew my 'one and done' philosophy. Bobbie did, too, of course, so his question had been a mere formality. And I knew, even better than perhaps his Sue did, that he shared that philosophy, and that if Sue ever cheated, I would help Bobbie rain down as much death and destruction as I could on her head. And hell, I loved Sue, as a sister-in-law. I'd known she was perfect for Bobbie within a couple days of meeting her, and I'm the one that set the two up on their first date five months later.

Yep, the only couple I'd ever thought was more perfect than Bobbie and Sue was Hank and Marie, and we already know the dark thoughts I was going through.

"Ok, bro. If she's cheating, and I'll admit it looks suspicious, we tie her to the stake naked, cover her with honey, wait 12 hours, light the bitch up, and try to put the fire out by pissing on it. Sound good? Hell, Evan will probably help you and I with our alibis!"

He made me chuckle with that. "We don't have to go nuclear on her. I don't want to go to prison. Now, the Asshole, maybe we want to go nuclear on his ass. But I dunno how we're going to do it."

"We'll figure it out as we go, bro." And at that Bobbie chuckled. "I always was prime with my rhyme. I got skills with my chills." Mood lightened. Bobbie always knew how to get me to laugh.

We worked on trying to figure out where to put the two cameras. I didn't think that we'd catch anything on them, at least not until the next time I went out of town, but even then it was tough to figure out where to put them. I ultimately decided to put the radio alarm clock by the TV in the bedroom. We didn't use it often, but it wouldn't look too odd seeing it there. The ceramic dog was a bit tougher; it really didn't blend in with the various bric-a-brac in the house, so it took a while. Ultimately, I wimped out completely, and put it on top of a cabinet that would give it a clear view of the front door, but where it wasn't immediately noticeable. Basically, all it could be used for was seeing who came into the house. It did kind of make me wonder how Evan had used it.

"It would probably be best to put a pen in her car, and in her purse. You can also put a recorder under the seat of her car, one in the kitchen, somewhere, and one in your spare room. The dog will pick up sounds from the living room, so you've got all the obvious places covered. What do you think Hank?"

"Why two in the car?"

"The pen will just go in that pen compartment you have for when you need to write something down; it'll be the backup. The voice activated recorder will pick up conversations if she's talking on the hands free. You'll be able to get the pen into her purse, right?"

"Maybe. But at least I only have three to plant from here. Let's call some lawyers." Hank and I spent the next hour and a half scheduling appointments for the next few days with each lawyer on my list. Luckily, one of them we could hit that day at 1 PM. The lawyer's office was close to Marie's, so I figured that I might be able to sneak into her work's parking lot and plant the recorders at lunch time.

I drove into the lot at noon, which is where, in retrospect, my first possible bad luck in Operation No Trust, And Verify went bad; one of Marie's coworkers saw me drive in as she was driving off to go to lunch, and waved at me. With luck, she'd just assume I was taking Marie to lunch and forget I had come in. I found out much later that she mentioned it to Marie two days later. As I found Marie's car, I plopped the pen into the pen pile in the cubby on the dash, and then reached under the seat to plant the recorder. I must have snagged my hand on one of the seat springs or something, because I felt a sharp bit of a piece of metal piercing my skin. "Ow, shit." I finished putting the recorder under the seat, fully removed my hand, and used a tissue to soak up the little bit of blood. I then locked and closed the door, and left for the appointment.

I met with the lawyer at quarter past; why do doctors and lawyers always make people wait? I told him everything except there would be multiple attorneys that I would talk with. He basically rolled his eyes at the Butter Pecan evidence and didn't accept that I might know what I was talking about. He was willing, of course, to have me put down a retainer if I wished, but he told me that no judge would buy it. I went by a new bank, to do a few preliminary things like setting up a different account, and then headed somewhere to hang out until it was the 'right time' for me to get home.

That night I had to bite the bullet and have sex with her; it had been too long since the last time. She moaned, she groaned, she shook from her orgasm, and she assured me I rocked her world; for my part, I think I did a credible job of banging the hell out of her, just as if I was trying to get my moneys worth from a five dollar hooker. I did have to ponder, though, though, how it could be so intense with us when we wanted intense, and so tender when we wanted that, and yet she still was sharing with others. And the fact that both of the last two women I'd given my heart to did that to me did not actually instill confidence; the only common factor in my failed (or failing) relationships was me.

What I wasn't able to do is plant the second pen in her purse, but ultimately I decided that wouldn't matter anyway; she worked in an office, it would pick up people talking, and I wouldn't be able to digest enough that I would be likely to capture anything, regardless.

Life went on the rest of the week. I had been able to check the two cameras daily (they only showed my wife and I), and the kitchen recorder (once) and the spare room recorder (once). Nothing at all had been on the spare room recorder, while the kitchen one picked up only inane conversations between Marie and I. I walked close enough to Marie's car to connect my cell with the pen in the car, but the conversation, when I listened, only had a conversation between her and I on Wednesday on it, and nothing much else.

The conversation went like this.

Sound of door closing.

Sound of door opening. Sound of someone getting into the car, then door closing, car starting. Some road noise.

"Brrr. Brrr. Br, baloop." My voice. "Hey babe. Where are you right now?"

"Just outside work. Why, what's up?"

"I feel like Chinese. Would you stop and pick it up if I order ahead?"

"Sure. Kung Pao Chicken, and maybe an order of Shrimp Toast?"

"Ok, I'm buying, you're flying. See you when you get home, Marie."

"Ok, hon, love you, bye!"

There were more sounds of doors opening and closing, and occasional snippets of road noise, but that was it.

Friday, I was finally able to 'arrange' to take Marie's car to the DQ, where I met with Bobbie. We grabbed the recorder from under the seat, and we hit play.

The underseat voice activated recorder was a bit different.

My voice, "Ow, shit." I knew instantly something was different; I hadn't heard myself on the pen when I snagged my hand.

The next sounds were rustling, the door closing. The door opening, someone getting in, the door closing. Road noise. Car stopping, door opening, door closing, car starting., Road noise. And then the conversation that ended it.

"Brrr. Brrr. Brrr. Br, baloop." Jonathan Williams' voice. "Hello."

"Hey there stud. I just got all warm thinking about you." The traitorous tramp coyly cooed.

"Oh, you did, did you? Creamy warm, or just hot under the collar?"

"Oh, I'm creamy, and I'm hot, but neither is under the collar. They're both quite a bit lower." And she chuckled.

"God, you were so good last week. I wish Hank hadn't come back for another 3 weeks! My cock is aching to return home to your little love nest."

"Oh, you like the nest, eh? And here I thought you'd prefer a little less bush, and a little more bare. A little 'bald eagle'. I could make that happen next time."

"Oh and then maybe I'll get a 'hole-in-one' in that bald eagle. Or would it be a bald beaver?" he chuckled. God, it made me sick, and looking up I could see Bobbie was about to lose his lunch, too, hearing the back and forth innuendo, awful mixed metaphor puns, and banter between those two. He reached over and grabbed my arm as I started shaking from my rage.

"Yeah, but you're going to have to wait. I don't intend to play a round of golf, or anything else," snicker "while Hank is in town."

"Oh come on Marie, you know you want my big driver in your bag."

"Are you calling my kitty a bag?" Marie was instantly no longer as teasing.

"Uh, no, it's the finest kitty out there. And I can't wait to get back in, and also into it's next door neighbor, Ms. Donkey." he tried as a weak attempt to bring the full banter back.

"Ms. Donkey? Now you're calling my ass a donkey?" I could hear in her voice that Marie didn't seem to really mind, she just was trying to make him grovel.

"No baby, you've got the greatest ass and pussy I've ever had. You know that's always been true."

"Oh, you say the nicest things when you're sucking up to me."

"Oh, and speaking of sucking, you are the greatest cocksucker I have ever seen. Or felt." Now that one I disagreed with. While Marie was good, Michelle had been better, back before I knew that she was a round heel slut. But then, now that I knew Marie was, too, I knew Marie just wasn't as good. It had never mattered before, because I'd loved the cunt, but now was a different story. "So, when is the clueless dick snot eating wimp leaving again?"

"Look, you will not insult Hank. Not if you want to keep access to my treasure box. And for the record, he's never eaten 'dick snot' that I know of. He certainly hasn't from me." Thank god for small favors, right?

"Ok, ok. Just, when can we get together again?"

"I don't know right now. It's totally dependent on Hank's schedule. And right now, he doesn't have anything on the schedule. It's never more than every two months, but he was just gone for three weeks. I don't think they'll send him out again for a bit."

"Two months! No way I can go without a visit to that sweet, sweet pussy of yours. Come on babe, you've got to give me a hand."

"You have two hands of your own, you don't need one of mine. You'll just have to wait." Marie scolded him.

"Oh, baby, Marie, don't be like that. You know I can't resist you, and you can't resist me."

"I resisted you pretty well for the last 15 years. Just because I finally let you get some doesn't mean I can't shut you right back down if you get too pushy. Yes, I enjoyed our little happy homemaking adventure, but I went without it fine for all of those years. I can do it again." And there it was. She admitted it, but it was also apparent that this was indeed the first time they'd shacked up. It didn't mean there hadn't been something shorter before, but it could definitely be inferred this was her first time completely off the reservation. At least with Asshole. "Look, I'm going to let you go. Hank was ill over the weekend, and while we made love last night, it's not enough." I heard Williams whimper slightly at that. "I intend to rock his world tonight, and I only called to get a little supercharged to start off, and to let you know not to call me. I'll call you, next time he's gone."

"I still love you Marie. I know that I screwed up. But I still love you."

"I'm fond of you, too, Jonathan. But I love Hank. You're just a reminder of what could have been, if you could have kept it in your pants back then."

"Marie, you have to feel more for me than that, more than for Hank. After all, you were with me while he was gone. You were my wife, not his, while he was gone. You..."

"While he was gone. While he was gone." I could hear the emphasis in her voice as she repeated it. "I took nothing from my time with him. He was gone. And then I allowed you the unused scraps of my emotions, my love, my lust. Yes, I still feel something for you, Jonathan. But I don't love you. I love Hank." That's a great way to show it, you untrustworthy slut, I thought.

"I'll take what I can get."

"Bye Jonathan. I'll call you soon, and we'll see each other next time Hank is gone."

Road noise. The car stopping, door opening. And that's when things made more sense as to why this last conversation wasn't on the pen.

"What's that?" Marie's question didn't give context, so I didn't know what she was looking at. "What?" The sound of a click. Click. Click. "What the hell? Shit." She was silent for a moment. "Why would this be here? Does..." and then silence. I don't know whether or not the voice activated recorder shut off, or if it ran continuous here, but after a moment she came back. "That's the one." she mumbled. "Shit. Hank must have put this here." And I knew she had discovered one of the bugs. Judging by what we had pulled already from the two, she had realized that the pen was a bug. I was suddenly glad that I hadn't gotten one into her purse.

"Ok, so, enter pin. 1234. There. Wipe recording. Done. Shit, I have to redo it tomorrow." Sound of door closing. Sound of door opening. Sound of someone getting into the car, then door closing, car starting. Some road noise. Sound of the car stopping, door opening, door closing. That must have been her driving in to work Wednesday.

Sound of door closing. Sound of door opening. Sound of someone getting into the car, then door closing, car starting. Some road noise.

"Brrr. Brrr. Br, baloop." My voice again, almost certainly the Kung Pao Chicken conversation. "Hey babe. Where are you right now?"

"Just outside work. Why, what's up?"

"I feel like Chinese. Would you stop and pick it up if I order ahead?"

"Sure. Kung Pao Chicken, and maybe an order of Shrimp Toast?"

"Ok, I'm buying, you're flying. See you when you get home, Marie."

""Ok, hon, love you, bye!"

There were more sounds of doors opening and closing, and occasional snippets of road noise, but that was it. And I knew. She found the pen, but not the recorder. She erased one, or at least the conversation she'd heard, but not the other.

Bobbie looked at me. "She knows that you suspect something. She found the pen. Has she acted any different since Tuesday?"

"She's just about raped me every night. She's been agreeable, a bit more than normal, but I haven't seen anything else. I've gotten more head from her, though, this past week than I think I've gotten in the last year, and that includes my birthday. She even offered her ass to me twice this week, and that's Christmas and Anniversary only normally."

"TMI, bro. But how have you been? Have you been able to keep it together?"

"I've been Rainman, bro. 'Tuesday, Wapner' style. I've been clueless and as normal as I can be, she must think I'm Rainman and Forest Gump's love child." Bobbie laughed at that, a mood breaker. Odd that he was more tense than I was after we heard the truth, but it is what it is.

"Ok, BubbaGump, you definitely do clueless well. Just don't start talking about shrimp. Or Kmart." And we both laughed. It felt good to laugh. That moment, with Bobbie, I knew I'd come out ok. No matter what happened, I knew that I had one person who would always be there for me, always keep me grounded. It wasn't necessarily who I wanted to always be there for me, since I couldn't imagine Bobbie would look good in a little black dress, and he definitely would not be the one rocking my world at night, but it was something, something I could hold on to in the dark days I figured would be ahead.

"So, I've hit 4 of the 6 lawyers. I can use this, I think. There's no way she's going to do something at the house, and she's smart enough not to look for hidden cameras or microphones or such in the house. We screwed up with the pen, but we got enough, I think. What do you think, Bobbie?"