By Demons Driven

"Are you hiding again?" Diana appeared with a cup of caffeine for me.

"No. I didn't sleep well last night."

"Everything ok?"

"I read the book, and then dreamt about it."

"The book or Mac?"

"Both. Look what he wrote in the front." I handed the book to my friend.

"He likes you. Despite what you may think, you're a likable person. Was it a sexy dream?"

"No! I was the whirlwind, which is not me. I'm the calm one here, remember."

"You're not evil."

"I feel like it sometimes."

"Ms Duncan, you are a wonderful person who deserves happiness and love. I'm not saying Mac's the man for you, well I am, but you won't listen to me if I say it too much, but give him a chance. Practice getting to know someone."

Thanking Diana for the coffee I sat and drank it reflecting on our conversation. Marius had told me over and over how many things I had going wrong for me and how that impacted him. I wasn't a good enough cook. I wasn't good enough at separating laundry一foolish me had thought I could wash our underwear in the same load, but no, I might have contaminated some of his jocks. I wasn't good enough in my career and yet he criticised me for every hour I spent working over the weekends or in the evenings telling me I shouldn't bring work home from school. He had no idea what it was like being a teacher.

Diana and Judy had disliked Marius from the first time they met him, but we'd been together for four years, and I thought they just misinterpreted him and his actions. His final act of leaving me for his PA when I was in the midst of writing reports and telling me how much better a lover Crystal was, saw my self-esteem plummet. Diana and Judy had been there though and helped me pull myself together.

From that time onwards, I had never sought out male attention. At the end of one term, I had had far too much to drink at staff drinks and gone home with a guy I'd met at the pub. He'd told me how great I was, but he hadn't made me cum at all, and I had wondered if Marius had been right, and I was indeed a dud root.

That was one of the reasons I was so jubilant after my time with Jay. The sex had been incredible. I'd never had more than one orgasm in a session before and he saw I had two, including one when I was riding his cock. I could not even remember ever having had an orgasm from penetrative sex. I thought it was just me, and I was not built like other women, but at the same time, I wondered if perhaps there was more to it than I was letting on.

~*~*~*~*~

"Thanks, Dylan." Mac had been introduced as leading our staff meeting that week. "I, um, well I feel like a bit of a fraud一I'm not a psychologist. I'm not a teacher. I just write books. I've been here for a week and a half now at the school, and, well, you're all doing such amazing work. I know I'm mainly in the humanities department, well, and the drama department too, but I've had students talk to me about learning about change in leaves and chemical bonds and relate that sort of stuff to themselves. And it excites me.

"Change is inevitable. It's the only constant. I've had several changes in my life over the last decade or so. If you've read Magda, you'll know she was orphaned when she was eleven. I was eighteen. My mum had cancer. I, well, dropped out of school to help because my dad wasn't coping. Mum died after eleven months and I watched my dad just stop living. He died a few weeks after my mum, of a broken heart."

Listening to Mac, my heart went out to him. My father had chosen not to have anything to do with us, but I was still close to my mum and was glad she was living near Susie and helping with her grandchildren.

Mac continued to explain how he felt lost without his parents. Although he'd lived with his grandmother throughout his secondary schooling as his parents were posted around the country with the Air Force, he found himself an adult, but he had been sheltered. His gran encouraged him to work at the cannery.

We broke into small groups and talked about how change impacts our teaching, just having a general conversation. I was in a group with one of the older teachers at the school who talked about the changes he'd seen in the curriculum over the forty years he'd been teaching.

"And this then leads back to Halloween," Mac told us at the end of the meeting. "When Mum was sick, Gran helped us celebrate the spirits and made me realise that some had had a bad rap throughout history一witches for instance. I mean, witches were the women men could not dominate so they killed them. I've been talking with the students about Halloween a lot and we have the Halloween events coming up一the disco for the younger kids and the costume party for the older years where they must dress as their fear."

I had never celebrated Halloween. I was not against it and did not mind buying lollies to hand out to neighbouring kids when they knocked on my door, but I also recognised this was an innovation, a change over the last few years.

"Um, Mac, do you have a minute?" I asked as we were dispersing after our meeting. "I, um, well, I was wondering if, well, seeing you're all alone in an apartment and all, well, would you like to come and have dinner at mine? It won't be flash and I'm not a good cook, but I can boil pasta and cook sauce."

"I'd really like that. Thanks." Once again, his eyes lit up his face. "Dylan was going to drop me back where I'm staying--"

"Well, why don't you come with me? I'll drop you home after dinner."

In the car, he had a way of asking questions that drew things out of me. I'd explained about my parents, my brother and sister-in-law and nephews by the time we pulled up at the supermarket.

We laughed as I pushed the cart around the aisles grabbing what I needed to make spaghetti bolognese. I joked that he might have canned the tomatoes I grabbed from the shelf until he said that he had been involved in canning fruit. I suggested canned peaches and cream for dessert as a joke but settled for a tub of ice cream.

He perched himself on a chair in my kitchen as I prepared the sauce.

"What do you need vegemite for?" Mac asked as he glanced at the ingredients in front of me.

"I always add a teaspoon. It's what Mum always did so I just do as I was told."

"No! You add a pinch of curry powder to give it that je ne sais quoi!

"I don't think I've got any curry powder."

"Seriously, Em, it's fine. It smells great already."

"As I said, I'm not a good cook."

As the sauce simmered, we moved into my courtyard area.

"You've got a beautiful space here, you know?" Mac took a seat at the small table for two I had placed out here.

"Thanks. I, um, moved here last year. I'm only renting."

"Is that when you joined the school?"

"No, I've taught here for six years now. I, um, had a bad breakup and needed to find my own place."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well, shit happens, as they say. You sound close to your gran. Does she encourage your writing?"

"Yeah. She was really supportive."

I heard the past tense in Jay's statement and did not know how to respond.

"She, um," he continued. "Well she died in January. She was 89 and had had a great life, but it was still a shock."

"I'm so sorry."

"Dylan was around visiting his folks at the time, and he was a great help. He suggested this writer-in-residence thing as something to look forward to. It was my idea to do it now and incorporate Halloween."

"I've never been anti-Halloween, but I've also never really understood it apart from handing out lollies to kids and dressing up and carving pumpkins."

"It's a lot of fun, but it also has a message that kids can relate to, and it can help us face our fears."

"Yeah, well I'm facing one inviting you to dinner."

"I did wonder..."

"Let's just say my ex left me with a few issues." I didn't really want to go into Marius with Mac.

"They have a way of doing that, don't they? Look, um, speaking of issues, things went really quick when we went back to mine that time and, well, um, I never got to apologise for not shaving."

"Sorry?"

"My chest, arms, legs... they're pretty bloody hairy."

"It didn't worry me at all. If you remember, I did enjoy running my hands through your chest hair."

"I've just, well, I've had comments in the past."

"You mean multiple?" I was honestly shocked that anyone would have this reaction.

"Yeah. It's hard when you're in your early twenties and a woman freaks out over your rug. Ever since then I've always shaved before a date."

"But what about hook-ups and the like?"

"Truth? You're my first ever."

"Get out of here!"

"I'm serious. I've only had a couple of semi-serious relationships and none that have lasted for more than a month or so. It's sad, I know. A thirty-three-year-old man who seems to turn women away after they know him for any length of time."

"I'm honestly surprised. I'd have thought you'd be an amazing catch. I mean, you're great with young people, you're built like a brick shithouse, you're kind, you're considerate. I could go on."

"Please do! No, seriously, living in a small regional town has not been good for me. Now that Gran's gone I've been looking for something different."

"I suppose you can write wherever."

"Yeah, there's one book I want to finish in the Magda series, but I'm wanting to focus on some other things for a bit after that. I'm, um, only Dylan and Amanda know this at the moment, but I've enrolled in uni up here for next year."

"Good for you. What are you studying?"

"Psychology. I know a bit already, but I want to know more."

"Well, I find you very easy to talk to."

He smiled as I went and continued with dinner preparations. I was surprised at my internal reaction when he mentioned he was planning on moving here and the way I could feel my heartbeat increase. I needed to remind myself that I did not do relationships and that simply because he was moving here did not mean that we were destined to be together.

Jay praised my cooking. He told me it was the best bolognese he'd had in ages.

"You must think pasta's all we eat up here, what with Amanda and me cooking it all the time."

"I hadn't even thought about it, but I love a good pasta so I'll never complain. I was thinking, I was going to see if Di and Cara wanted to come over this weekend and grab a bite to eat and I'd like it if you could come too."

"Um, thanks, but Cara's on lates this week and it's probably not a good idea. I, um, I don't do relationships. I'm happy being an auntie and a teacher and whilst the sex we had was pretty phenomenal, I just...it's not a good idea."

"That's ok. I understand."

I was glad he did because I knew I most certainly did not. Here he was talking about facing fears and overcoming them and here I was pushing him away. Yes, he ticked the right boxes, but I could not trust that somewhere down the line he would find too many faults with me, and I believed it was in his best interest to not get too involved with me.

~*~*~*~*~

"How was dinner last night? Or was it breakfast this morning too?"

"No! I dropped him home at a very reasonable hour. We're friends; that's all."

I couldn't tell Diana that, when he kissed me on the cheek as I pulled in front of his apartment complex and we said our goodbyes, I almost reneged on all my declarations of the evening and desperately wanted to follow him inside and relive the passion we had experienced the first time we met. I could not tell Diana that again I had dreamt of him telling me to let go of my fears and jump into a waterfall with him. I had no idea where the waterfall had come from, but it must have meant something.

School carried on and slowly became a Halloween playground. The art department ran a pumpkin carving competition and so-called spooky music replaced the usual bell sound to start and end lessons.

On Mac's last day as writer-in-residence, we had a costume day where students could dress in anything that reminded them of Halloween. This led to a disco after school for years seven to nine. The windows in the gym were blacked out and for a couple of hours the students danced away. There was apple bobbing in one corner and the carved pumpkins were scattered around the auditorium with battery-powered candles offering illumination.

After filling the students with pizza, we sent them on their way and cleared up the gym ready for the senior students' party. This was the fear party where students were encouraged to come dressed as their fear. Diana and I had been talking about costumes for a while. She had admitted to me that she was afraid of commitment even though she and Cara had been together for seven years and had bought a house together.

With Cara at work, we got together and made her a costume consisting of gold rings. It was clever, but I doubted many of the students would understand. I had a much harder time coming up with a costume.

Most of the ideas I had would not translate well to a school context. I thought about my fear of snakes and how I could just attach rubber snakes to a dress or something, but I also overheard another teacher talking about something similar and thought it might be strange for a biology teacher to admit they had a fear of something in the natural world.

My idea came to me two evenings before after talking to my mother on the phone. She had reminded me how amazing I was and how I got inside my head a lot of the time.

Diana and I had arranged to change in my office. I helped her into her costume, and we laughed and joked about it.

"So, what did you decide to go with, Ms Duncan?" Diana asked as I applied make-up.

"It's stupid. I might just throw that witch's hat on again."

"No, tell me. Hey, is this that sexy red dress you usually refuse to wear? Are you going as a sexy woman? Is that your fear?"

"No, well, sort of..."

"What? Now you're afraid of women?"

"No. I'm going as me."

"He still likes you; you know." Diana gave me a huge hug and took over doing my make-up. She did liquid eyeliner better than I could anyway.

~*~*~*~*~

"OMG, Ms Duncan! Who did your make-up?" One of the senior girls stopped me as soon as we entered the gym. "Those wings are perfect!"

"Ms de Vries gets the credit. Now what in the heck are you?"

"It's silly, but I'm meant to be a loaf of bread. I've been scared of carbs for so long, but until you explained about calories and stuff that day at lunch break, I'd never really understood it."

It was not an uncommon question from the students about the effects of carbohydrates on the body. I explained that a calorie is a calorie, and a balanced diet is what a healthy body needs.

Dylan entered and the students all started applauding. He was dressed as a large black spider. Fortunately, none of the students asked me what I had dressed as and simply assumed I had not bothered to dress up at all.

Some of the students had put a lot of thought into costumes一fear for the environment was a theme of several students whilst others had dressed as clowns and one as a dog. I was glad I was not a psychologist. However, the atmosphere was jovial and lively conversations were happening amongst the students who chose not to dance.

"Wow, Emma, I never knew you were afraid of beauty." Mac sidled up behind me.

"Ha-ha. Wow indeed though, I see you're afraid of dresses?"

"No, I'm dressed like this in solidarity with Mitchell Tang一he told me he was scared of women so we both decided to wear a dress, except he has been swamped by the women all night and I'm still一"

"Nice legs, Mac!" Diana had returned with a bottle of water for us both.

"Oh, Di! I get it一the rings, you're scared of commitment一very clever."

"Oh, so you get her costume, but not mine!" I pretended to pout.

"I think I get you more than you realise." And Mac walked away from us.

I did not know what to make of our conversation. Diana was cornered by some of her students, so I wandered over to where some other colleagues had congregated. I'd told him over and over that I didn't do relationships, that I didn't trust myself, and yet I was not prepared to face my fears, choosing instead to live in the past and remember the acerbic comments of an ex who was never right for me.

"Yeah, not many people get it, but I'm afraid of turning into my father and if you ever see me wearing long socks with sandals and it's not a fancy-dress party, shoot me, please!" One colleague explained to raucous laughter.

This was a side of so many people I had not seen before. Dylan got up to make a speech and thanked everyone for making the evening and the previous four weeks such a resounding success. The school leaders gave Mac a book voucher and asked him to share a few words.

"Thanks, um, wow. When Mr Yeo approached me about spending some time at the school here, I told him that I would only do it if he let me do a Halloween theme. It's not because it's American or commercial or whatever lots of people complain about, and I get it. It can be commercialised, and it can be made into something that isn't necessarily part of our culture, but we need to remember that things change, and we live in a multicultural society.

"Every single one of us here has fears. So many of you have been so brave in showing your fears to us all tonight and for all the snakes, dogs, and ghosts that I see when I walk around the room, I see people scared for our environment. I see people scared of what others will think of them. I see people scared of being someone they aren't or even someone they are.

"Thank you all for the amazing month we've spent together. I've agreed with Mr Yeo to come back for the presentation evening at the end of term and give a little speech, which will have nothing to do with Halloween. Well, it probably won't, but I won't promise. Anyway, thank you all, and if you are going trick or treating over the weekend, go in a group and stay safe."

It had been a great evening. To me, it cemented what a great school I worked at. Sure, there were some troublemakers, but there were also friends and people I was so glad to be associated with.

"Hey, Ms Duncan, Mr Yeo suggested we head to the Crown and Anchor for a quick bevvy. Cara's meeting us there."

"Well, if Cara's going..."

"Lucky I don't feel threatened by you and your hotness tonight, but please remember, she's mine, all mine!"

"You dag! So, you're finally going to put a ring on your fingers?"

"We've been talking about it, yes."

I smiled and was so happy for my friends.

~*~*~*~*~

"Are you really afraid of women, or is this costume all for Mitchell's benefit?" I asked Mac as we propped up the bar and sipped on our gin and tonics.

"A bit of both. I've been burnt in the past. What about you, what are you going to do about your fear of being the real you?"

"You did get my costume!"

"I'm a smart guy, what can I say?"

"When do you head home?"

"I'm, well I'm actually between homes. I'm, um, hoping to buy in this area. I like it. It's not inner city, but it's not too far from the big smoke."

I was surprised to feel the smile creep across my lips with his declaration and the associated feeling of generalised warmth that crept across my body. It was more than a mere physical attraction to this man, as much as I had to admit to myself that was still there but was also a feeling of pleasure that this could be more than a fling.

Who was I kidding though? I was talking again in relationship mode, and I did not do relationships. I glanced across the room and saw Diana and Cara snuggled together at a table, whispering in ears, and gently touching and caressing each other.

"Did you always want to be a teacher, Em?" Mac asked me, forcing me to drag my eyes away from my friends' PDA.

"No, I did two years of medicine before I realised it wasn't for me."