Bye Bi Secrets

"Like I said, we were actually both raised in Idaho. We've known each other since high school, dated a few times back then but nothing serious. Neither of us knew that we both decided to do our university studies at OSU. Turns out we ended up in the same class for English the first semester at OSU and not knowing anyone else, it was just natural that we became each other's best friend.

"Back in Idaho, we had wild nature all around us — just like here, actually. Both of us spent most of our free time out there camping, hiking and exploring with our families. We didn't really know each other very well in Idaho — just class mates and such. But, after awhile being here and getting to know each other better, we sort of clung on to one another and started exploring Oregon like we had in Idaho when we were younger — it was something we both shared an interest in. We still do a lot of that here when we have the time. Couple of things we really like about Oregon is the coast and the many hot springs — and the fact that nudity is not against the law here in many of the places we go."

"So, you two are naturists?"

"Yeah, when we can. The opportunity for outdoor nudity is great, but it's just always such a good way to wind down ... maybe it's getting close to nature? Getting back in touch with millions of years of our evolution, perhaps? Looking up at night and seeing billions of stars — it's sorta spiritual in a way."

"There's some open nude places up around Portland, but for me, they were simply too crowded to be relaxing every time I went. Certainly nothing spiritual about it in those crowds."

"You sound like us, just need to get out of the whirlwind and breath for awhile."

"Yeh, that's me. I think I crave a quiet spot and a chance to just let me breath and relax for awhile. And just so you know, I'm a confirmed introvert, so go figure, eh?"

I chuckle at his self deprecation, "Maybe you'd like to tag along with Brett and me one of these days — get you oriented in your new stomping grounds, eh? And if you do that, you're welcome to bring a lady friend along with you. So long as your girlfriend isn't Jeanine from the clinic."

"I assure you it wouldn't be Jeanine."

"Let me guess, just a bit too judgmental and opinionated?"

"Well, I think people in the medical profession, at whatever level, need to be aware of the diversity of human sexuality. I think Jeanine lets her opinions and politics get in front of that."

"My husband and I think the same way you do. Well, speaking of being aware, we'd best get back to work. But hey, it's been nice getting to know you."

"Same here, I guess I'll call you my first new friend here."

"Yes, you can Brett. And we really should pick a time when Kris and I can show you around a bit."

"I'd like that, and thanks for making it a point to be friendly today."

*****

Scene Three — Three Months of Friendship - Three Months of Fantasies

After three months of shared lunch breaks with Brett, I almost feel like he's an old friend — an old friend that I feel worried about in being so alone. Kris and I discuss my conversations with Brett in bed almost every night. For me, it seems that some binding restraint has been removed from both Kris and myself. For years I was reluctant to share my sexual fantasies and desires with my own husband. And he too seems to be opening up — I think we've both finally realized that the way is now clear to be totally honest with each other.

It's only after all of the careful groundwork had been done that we could see some hope. That he and I might yet be able to erect the framework that would hopefully support our growing desire for a three-way sexual exploration with another man. But due to shy hesitation, I haven't figured how — or felt the courage to be more active about Kris' and my own desire for another man in our bed ... it still seems what? Risky, or going a step too far? But when we talk in bed, it all seems so perfectly normal and desirable — to the point of keeping it in the forefront of our thoughts. I think we both feel the doubts, but then it's pretty clear that we both want it too. Wishy-washy is the word that comes to mind.

As we sip our morning coffee, I ask him, "Well, it's been almost three months and I think Brett and I can safely say that we're friends. I'm thinking it might be time to open up a little more — it's really awkward for me being a woman. How do I ask him if he likes cock or pussy better?"

I chuckle at her question, "Now you know how bi men feel and what we face. I've actually sort'a anticipated this hurdle. Is there any way you can use my bisexuality as a segue into the topic?"

"I never thought of that. Any suggestions?"

"Am I remembering right that you two discussed the thing about diversity when you asked about that homophobe nurse?"

"Yeah, how does that connect?"

"And how did he reacted?"

"Yeh, I think I mentioned it to you, but he's clearly not a homophobe."

"Yeh, I do think you did. But what I'm thinking, now that we know more about him, what do you think about telling him we're bisexual? Or maybe just somehow try to mention that I'm bi?"

"Oh, that's a bit unexpected. Not that I'm too concerned telling him. What are you thinking babe?"

"First, there's just no good way to keep it a secret and then try to pop it on him out of the blue. It's all about trust, right?"

"Yeh, without trust it's all just dust in the wind."

"Okay, so here's the way I see it; I've never met him so we're not at all super close friends. So, the worst that can happen is maybe you and Brett are a little embarrassed if he says; 'Thanks but no-thanks.' — right?"

"I think that's a reasonable theory."

"Before we do risk an embarrassing moment Sam, I want you to tell me that having a work mate like Brett as a fuck-buddy is really, really important to you. Should we look for someone apart from work?"

"You're not having second thoughts, are you? Is scratching that bi itch with another man really important?"

"Yes Sam, it's important for me to scratch the bi itch — I'd say there's not too many days that I don't think about it to some degree — sometimes it's more important — sometimes I can go weeks without thinking about it. But, I'd say it's important because there's nothing wrong with us doing it in real life. It's important because you implied that you want it too. Now, am I wrong? Can you convince me it's important to you to have him in our bed? Babe, I know you're in the awkward position of making this all happen for us. But, there's other guys — maybe this is just too close to home? We don't even really have to ever do this, you know?"

As we sit in silence, I listen to his words as they play again in my head. His suggestion of just finding another guy ... no, I've built a friendship and a sexual attraction to Brett ... I flirt with the word affection as I see him drifting away from us. Shouldn't there be something more than a nice body in all of this? Kris can't have developed anything in the way of feelings for him. Is that the way it works for men? How shallow — how empty that must be. Should I tell him I have feelings for Brett? Is the foundation of this strong enough to hold up to that? "Kris, tell me one thing; Can you feel any romantic connection with other men? Did you love your room-mate in college?"

Her question is not what I expected — love for my room-mate? "Babe, I don't know if I would call it love. I had a strong affection for him ... but love seems too strong. Why do you ask?"

"It just dawned on me how different men and women approach things of the heart. Not to say, that there's not a great diversity in many ways in both genders — from those for whom love resides on the surface ... to those who keep love buried deep in their soul. I believe there are people on both ends of that continuum of love. I was just wondering if you think you can love a man? When you said we can find another man, it makes me think of those dating apps you once mentioned. I don't think I could do that."

"To be honest, when this all started, especially back when I was chatting on Literotica, I was mostly just thinking I would enjoy a guy sucking me and me returning the favor... it was all in the clouds of make-believe. But I've been thinking about my feelings for my room-mate since this whole thing came up — it brought back memories; I did have feelings for him. We did kiss each other on the lips and I had the similar feelings of wanting to protect him as I feel for you. We did tell each other we loved. I had just forgotten the details — maybe I was just a little unconsciously ashamed to tell you the stuff about kissing and feelings."

"You silly lug, you had me questioning if I really knew the man I married!"

"Well ... you caught me off guard. You don't know what it's like to be a man. I may be bi, but I can't go around my mates being all lovey and stuff. Women can have it hard when it comes to men — queer men have it even harder. Men have to harden our shells and bury our feelings in order to get along — go along to get along, eh?"

"Oh, you guys are so silly sometimes! Come give me a hug."

As we hug and reconnect our own love, her words call me back to the present. "Sam, I wouldn't mind trying to love a man again. It makes me tingle inside to think I could have that again. I just have to know for sure that you're not going to freak out if I do let my heart fly free again."

"Sweetheart, I think we can't have too much love — that goes for guys like you and women. Love spreads the seedlings and those seedlings grow up and plant seeds of their own. Just like you can't have too many flowers on the hills in springtime, can there ever be too much love in the hearts of men and women?"

"Sam, babe, I see your ability to love and envy you. I want this, not just for the fun in the bedroom, I really would like to feel what I felt for my lover in college — it was a feeling of bright sunny days filled with big fluffy white clouds ... and he and I could float along above the fray and frenzy of the rest of the world. Yeh, I'd like to have that again. You are sure it's okay? I don't want you worrying about me falling in love with someone else and leaving you behind — there's no love strong enough to do that."

"No, I don't think we have to worry about anyone pulling us apart. And you have to be secure in that belief too -- I'll probably develop feelings of love for him too — in fact, if we don't — I'd say we're on the wrong bus. How do you feel about that?"

"I think — I feel — like we're flirting with something that could blow up on us. But to not even try seems like a surrender too soon to fear. I trust your love for me will always be stronger than any other love you have. Babe, I'm so thankful for you. If I was all alone, there's no telling what a mess of things I'd make when it comes to other people and love ... or sex with another man.

*****

Scene Four — Going All In On The Gamble For More

"Wish me luck, today's the day I loose Brett as a friendly workmate or the day we might have a little more clarity and hope for a new bisexual friend. It's also the day I finally figured out why people use those hook-up apps. I've come to the conclusion that you risk loosing a friend, like Brett, without them. But, you risk the possibly of loosing your health or having a really bad date with a stranger with the apps. Sure seems more complicated than it should be."

"I hear ya, Sam. Wonder how many decades will have to go by before all of this uproar about queer people fades away?"

"It's getting better day by day. Just look back to the last century when every non-heterosexual person was under the threat of being a criminal. You probably could have been arrested just for being on Literotica. Still have a way to go, but it's definitely better." I feel his frustration, it does seem that queer women don't face as much animosity as men do.

"Yeh, I know. Just blowing off some steam. Come here and give me a hug before you go." Her hug is gentle and comforting, each time we're close like this the question pops into my head; Do we really want to do this? Is it worth it? When she kisses me one last time, I let her go and finish getting ready to go to work myself. It'll be a long day wondering how things go with Brett.

***

Since we've become friends at work, Brett and I have grown into a routine of eating lunch together. Today is like every other day as we walk to the cafeteria in our building — while at the same time, being unlike any other day. It seemed so much easier to plan on just coming out and talking about sexual things when it was only in my head. Now, I feel my nerves on edge and can empathize more strongly with what Kris — and probably Brett — experience when it comes to breaking the ice with a new person.

Our usual table by one of the big windows sits empty as if waiting just for us. Brett plays the gentleman and pulls my chair out and I ask, "Well, any exciting news since the last time we were here?"

"Sorry to report no news to share — and you?"

I gulp, wondering if this is the right time and place to do this — deciding to get it over with fast, like an injection, I dive in. "Well, first I want to tell you something personal; My husband and I have been sharing some secrets about our intimate thoughts and fantasies. I know that may be a weird thing to open up with but, I found out recently that he is bisexual. I had no idea before. We've talked it through and I assured him that in my opinion that's a perfectly normal thing. The thing is, you and I have talked about you coming with us to some of the nude hot springs and such — and well, I thought you deserved to know — I mean, it's not like Kris is some crazy guy or anything, and he'd never do anything untoward. " I watch his reaction and he seems unperturbed and I relax a bit.

"Gee Samantha, I appreciate your concern, but you of all people should know how I feel about human sexuality. You don't have to explain anything with me."

Trying to recover, I change course and lie. "I was pretty sure that's what you would say. Anyway, now you know some of our secrets and I'm feeling kinda embarrassed for bothering you with it."

"Don't be embarrassed. I'll confess a secret so we can be even; I've been wondering if you were Bi. I thought maybe that was why you defended the non-binary people so strongly."

"Me, I ... oh why keep secrets? I had my Bi fling in college, turns out it was the same for Kris — you know, room-mates and such?"

"Oh, yes, I know all about roommates and such. Now I can really relax with you and tell you that I'm on that same color of the diversity flag. Isn't it just awful to wonder, but be unable to just come out and ask?"

"I never realized how awful it is. My Bi times were wonderful, but I mostly left them behind when I graduated and my girlfriend and I went our separate ways. Not to imply that we weren't very close — we were and it was hard saying goodbye. But I left those feelings buried when I married Kris. It wasn't as easy for him to leave his Bi side behind, so he feeds it with sexy stories and such online. I just recently found out about him and we've been having some talks to get it all out in the light of day. I hope I haven't stepped over the line of friendship?"

"Well, you've not stepped over any line with me. I'm really happy for both of you. Secrets are never good in a close relationship — they're like a time bomb just waiting to explode. My parents found me out, weird experience of being an adult but treated like an errant brat. They still aren't a hundred percent on-board with me. But, I think we all have the right to be our true selves, so I just love them and keep going."

"That sounds terrible, but I know it's not unusual. Do they live close?"

"No, still halfway across the country actually — in Kansas. Don't take this wrong, there's some good people in Kansas, but the last time I was there it was no panacea for people like us. It's one of the main reasons I went to Portland for my medical studies. I'm all alone out here, but at least I feel free. I've looked around but haven't met anyone I clicked with. I'm weird that way, some guys can be happy with a perfect stranger and others gotta have that emotional connection. I'm one of the later. You probably don't understand, being married and all."

"Actually I do get it — both Kris and I are the same way. We were even joking about the ick factor with those dating apps."

"Samantha, I don't think it's an accident that we're having this discussion. It's either fate, or my imagination that we were intended to meet one another. I'm too shy to make anymore of this than I already have ... but I'm not opposed to you and Kris and I being friends. I'll leave it at that."

"Thank you Brett, it's really nice to be able to bring this out and talk about it. If you're not busy, what do you say to coming to our house sometime. A Friday or Saturday evening would be nice. I think you and Kris will enjoy each other's company."

"You remember that I'm a bisexual, right?"

I nod my head.

"Okay, so have you two talked about your part in this friendship Samantha?"

I feel the tingling race from my tummy downward until my yoni is enveloped in arousal — my reflex brings my legs tightly together. This is so out of my wheelhouse ... "Yes ... yeh ... I ... we've talked about it. I think maybe we all need to talk about it some more?"

"I agree Samantha, we should all get together and talk and see if a friendship blooms."

"You can just call me Sam, if you want — that's what Kris uses most of the time."

"Sam it is then — a girl named Sam. And now, our lunches and our time is gone — back to the slave mine, eh"

"Thank you for helping me through that. I didn't think it would be that hard."

"Actually, I think you did a splendid job of breaking the ice — it's always the hardest part, you know?" I want to give her a hug and a kiss on her forehead, but this isn't the place for that. Once we get clear of the lunchroom and walk down a long empty corridor, I reach for her hand and we share a parting shake with just our pinky fingers. As Sam goes her way, I go mine and feel like I'm walking on a cloud. Or maybe it's just my head in a cloud as I ponder what all of this might mean. I adore her and only hope Kris and I might also click. It would usher in the end of a long lonely dry spell for me if they are thinking about what I hope they are.

*****

Scene Five — The Awkwardness of Normality — The Normality of Awkwardness

"Are you as nervous as me?"

"Probably not, he's your friend and you have to work with him. Just remember, this is just dinner and some casual talk. We don't need to wake up the sleeping dragon tonight. Actually, that would probably be weird for all of us."

***

As I drive to the address Samantha gave me, my mind plays back all of the many starts and stops and the lurching uncertainty of these past years. The thing that seems so simple in theory — finding someone to be with — is never easy. But the void of intimate connection seems to elude me more than the average guy — empty loneliness is my reality. I vow again to myself that I will be more outgoing this time — even less shy would be a start. It's in these instances — these new attempts to find a bridge to another person — that I feel the fear and doubt build up inside. "Just be calm. A little chit chat to get to know each other — that's all this is." The lie is; I really do want to find love again somewhere in this wide world. Hard to believe I'll find it in a married couple — that'd be nice, but not likely. Suddenly, my time to chicken out ends, I spot their house and turn up into the driveway.

***

"I know, you're right Kris. It's just a getting acquainted dinner." Then suddenly, our time for worrying is ended with the ring of our doorbell. "I'll get it."