Caged

Festus and Morticia succeeded in lifting Joey's swollen trouser python, exposing his balls. Joey was now at the mercy of Granny Yokum's choppers, more properly chopper, as her wizened mouth bore only a single crooked fang.

"Granny gonna gum ya," Granny said. "You ever been gummed before, Li'l Joey?"

Joey shook his head, although the idea of gumming had a very strong appeal at his point.

"You seen my teef, habn't you?"

Joey thought her use of the plural to describe her dentition might be too generous.

.

"Get that po' excuse fo' a hillbilly off the wheel." Granny nonchalantly ripped the gag from Joey's mouth. He rubbed his jaw trying to lessen the pain.

His bald-headed uncle Festus licked his chops at the site of Joey's nonviolated, vulnerable and exposed young flesh. Someone out of Joey's view handed a cup of steaming broth to Granny Yokum, and she raised it to his lips.

"What's that?" Joey asked the sliver-haired and nearly toothless elder.

"Oh this? This is harmless, my multiply-iterated grand nephew. It's mostly Ayahuasca, which is a tribal hallucinogen from South America. Oh, and a little lysergic acid diethylamide, what you city folk call 'LSD,' some magic mushrooms, a little somethin'-somethin' from Bill Cosby, and the list goes on and on, but I won't bore you with the details. Just drink up, Joey. It will loosen you up. Put a little fire in those bowling ball cojones of yours." She spat another four ounces of liquefied chaw onto the floor and cackled as only a tooth.

Joey told her that he was a flop with chicks, and that he'd been that way since 2006.

Granny looked at his palm and she made a magic sign. She said, "What you need is love potion number nine." She bent down and turned around and gave him a wink.

She said, "I made up right here in the sink." Joey thought it smelled like turpentine and looked like India ink. He held his nose; he closed his eyes, he took a drink He didn't know if it was day or night. He started kissing everything in sight. But when he frenched Granny Yokum's behind, he smashed his little cup of love potion number nine.

"S'matter nephew? Did you not enjoy dining on your great great's colon feast? I ate all your favorite foods, so it would be special for your birthday party."

"I guess I like them better without the middleman."

"I hear you, Joey. I hear you. But you know I cannot let some rude cracker insult me without punishment. That would jeopardize my position in the Greater Mayberry chapter of the Kwanis Club. I been cultivating these relations so that they won't keeping shooting at us each time we go into town,.

"OK boys, Can a granny get another table lance?"

Uncle Festus and Aunt Morticia hurried over to chain Joey back on the wheel, hefting his prodigious cyclopean meat pillar so that Granny Yokum, would have free to access to his balls once she stood on the table.

Joey looked on in horror as the harridan's mouth opened like a great white shark with abysmal dental care.

"See that fang, you useless redneck?" the crone asked.

Joey nodded.

"You know where it is?

"Right there in your mouth, Granny,"

"No it is in a very special place, my nephew, at the intersection of your heart and stomach acupuncture meridians, the intersection of the Stonehenge and sacred mounds ley lines, and the intersection of extrapolated Routes I-95 and I-90 based on an AAA Trip Tik that has been left in a hermetically-sealed mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon today. Nobody, nobody knows the location of this uvula chakra except the two of us, my staff and the entire Yokum clan residing within the limits of the greater Mayberry area. Joey knew that the uvula was the little meat speed bag that hung down in the back of one's throat. Probably got a pretty good beating during oral sex, he figured, especially if the suckee was one Joey Peckerwood.

"Forget that love potion number 9 shit, nephew. Soon you will know the magic of my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. She then took the occasion to gum. Joey's proffered balls. Cousin Itt gave the matriarch a thumb up and resumed his own manual violation of Joey's anal sphincter.

Granny ran her lone fang over the uvula chakra in Joey's left testicle. The snaggle-toothed brujo bit down hard,. punctured it. The whole world turned white and was filled by a vast pure field of erotic consciousness that filled the universe. Joey's johnson grew at least another foot. Gotta be four feet now Granny Yokum figured, and gulped in a mixture of sexual anticipation and fear. "I think I'm in love with you," she told the birthday boy.

With surprising dexterity, the hillbilly nonagenarian leaped up upon the cage and impaled herself on Joey's wood. At first, the impalement was merely two feet deep.

Joey looked out at the crowd, which had grown considerably. People had formed a line and began to take numbers as though they were at Baskin-Robbins or the meat counter at the local supermarket.. He spotted his Uncle Lurch and his first, second and third cousin Daisy Mae Duke lining up for a turn at their complexly-inbred relation. Joey was, after, all not only his own granduncle, but also his own first cousin. And then entered Uncle Ben, bearing his usual and tiresome dish of rice pilaf. He remembered that Uncle Lurch had always complimented him on his looks at every clan gathering. "You gotta real purty mouth," he would always say. It didn't help that uncle Sodom began to pluck out half of the song Dueling Banjos on his uke.

This was going to be long afternoon, Joey figured. He spotted both Uncle Vanya , the Yokum clan's only Commie member, and Uncle Remus, the clan's storyteller and oral historian (not to be confused with its anal historian, Uncle Festus), taking numbers and joining then joining then joining the line for a ride on the Joey train.

Granny Yokum shared this sentiment. She looked that crowd over, and said, "Hey, Elvira, would you be a dear and get me a cup of love potion number 11?"

"But that's still in beta-testing," the buxom late night horror movie host protested. "You don't know what it will do to you."

"I'll take my chances," the Dogpatch elder said. "Maybe you want step in for me and ingest this here howitzer your own self" She spat another wad of chaw onto the floor of the S&M chamber and cackled lasciviously .

Elvira was generally one who would take almost any dare, but even she had qualms . "No, no, go ahead revered elder. Knock yourself out, or should I say rip yourself apart. Maybe I'll take sloppy seconds."

Granny Yokum cackled at that one, plugged another wad of chaw between her gum and cheek, and downed the cup of love potion number #11 in one chug. She threw the porcelain cup onto the floor, smashing it into a thousand shards.

"Bring me another," the crone demanded. Elvira duly handed the uni-toothed brujo another cup of the hallucinogen/aphrodisiac, which she again downed in a single gulp. This time she did in fact know whether it was day or night. It was both at once, if you truly immersed yourself in the mathematical underpinnings of this and all universes.

"Stretch him," Aunt Jemima said. "Stretch him like a piece of bubble gum." She knew that tobacky wasn't the only thing the Dogpatch matriarch liked to chew. Not by a long shot. In the very near future there was gonna be Joey's tasty root for instance.

Elvira and Aunty Bea came forward to stretch Joey upon the Wheel. Bea cranked the lever that increased the radius of the Wheel, and Joey cried out as his body was elongated, thus gaining a few inches of height, just as advertised on late night basic cable TV . For her part, Elvira played the role of Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune, holding her arms out at a thirty-five degree angle to one of the many drone cameras to showcase the gleaming beauty and effectiveness of the Wheel.

"Show me an 'I,'" Joey said, figuring that it was the skinniest and thus the least painful of all letters.

Joey heard the motor starting up again. and he was stretched another six inches. He knew that if this continued, he would soon be eligible for an NBA contract, something that Joey had always hoped for, but not in this way. Then, Elvira repeated the old saw, "If you can't the heat, get out of the torture center."

Joey, ever the obedient son, was a good sport and soldiered on. The surprising nimble Elvira slowly climbed her way up the wheel, her outré hooters teasing Joey into an erotic frenzy with their soft passage. As her mouth neared the massive helmet of Joey's throbbing namesake, she dislocated her jaw so that she could achieve the widest possible oral aperture, even when one includes great white sharks and large cetaceans.

She engulfed his whole helmet, paused, then rammed ten inches more of his shaft down her deep, deep throat. Soon a chant arose from the crown: "'Vira! 'Vira! 'Vira!..."

She look down at shouting the shouting horde. "You ain't seen nothin' yet," she told the ravenous horde,

Elvira scrambled up the mesh of the wheel, and did a very credible split for a middle-aged voluptuous woman. "Watch this!" she said, let go of the mesh, and dropped straight down, impaling herself onto Joey's pike of flesh. She let out a blood-curdling scream of agony and erotic delight.

Note to self, Joey thought, they were going to need a set of larger traffic cones for booty practice.

Elvira climbed even further up the wire mesh and dropped down again on Joey's throbbing national monument.

She bounced up and down on his hopelessly priapismic man meat.

Soon there was the sound of a motor stating up, and the mesh of the inner and outer wheels began to move in opposite directions, cramming Joey's megashaft violently into the famous night show hostess' stretched cooz , withdrawing it and shoving it even more deeply at a faster and faster pace. Soon there was a strange noise, and smoke began to pour out of the Wheel's engine.

Fortunately, Joey came just as the motor died out. White fluids shot out of his primary bazooka as well as out of his mouth, ears, eyes, nose, and cornhole. Similar fluids exploded out of Elvira's orifices as well.

Whew, Jake thought. That was a close one. They really needed to fix the Wheel motor as soon as possible.

Damn, Joey thought. He wasn't going to need that onanistically-callused right hand of his any more or at least anytime soon. He looked up at the clock. It was already 5:30. Auntie Em and his mom were expecting him for a noon-time birthday party of their own devising. "Auntie Em and my mom will be missing me and worrying about me," he told the assembled participants. I've got a 2:00 PM curfew."

"Not to worry, I'm right here." Auntie Em said, proudly raising her number in the waiting line for a stab at Joey's molestation. I've got number 47. See you in about ten minutes, nephew. It's going to be the longest ten minutes in my life."

OEDIPUS ERECT

Just then, there was a clamoring in the entrance to the spa wing. Joey heard a familiar gravelly voice shout. "Open Sesame!" and then bar-reinforced doors slid open to reveal the conveniently naked body of one Jocasta "Justine" Peckerwood nee Cathy de Grait.

"Hi mom," Joey said.

"Hi son!" Jocasta said. "You know you're late for curfew again, but we can let it slide this time. It is after all your eighteenth birthday." She gulped at the thought of the coming ceremony, hoping she would survive it.

"You know, you came out of me, Joey. It is time to reverse that and to let you inside me again. This is the Peckerwood clan's sacred cumming of age ceremony. Think of it as a vision quest, but without the visions. More accurately, consider it the greatest incestual gang bang since Caligula porked his sister Drusilla on top of a banquet table. Fun fact: Drusilla went on to star in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, playing herself. She was in fact an actual vampire, which explains her presence in the 21st centrury."

The brujo (the hightly iterated Great Granny Yokum) stepped forward to unroll a yellowed scroll, and began to read to the assembled crowd of assorted sexual perverts and monsters. It was a little hard to understand her due to her lisp and the fact that she sported but a single fang in her wrinkled mouth:

"Ven a greater Mayberryian meaches the age of 18, he/she becomes an adult, wif all the assorted rights and privileges and claims appropriate to that station, including granny-raping, and fornication with severed hands."

Cousin Itt gave a thumbs up (technically a thumb up) at this prospect. Whoever said severed organs do not have sophisticated and complex conscious experiences?

The unitoothed hag recited a laundry list of newly available sexual acts and other perversions that were now available to Joey, each punctuated by a wad of chaw spat upon the floor, to the applause of the assembled twisted birthday revelers.

"Of course, ze greatest and most sacred of these acts, as I am sure you all know, is ze reverse birth. Just as Joey was so unfairly expelled from the paradise of his mother's womb, now he will penetrate her body and reclaim that Eden.

The mob rushed Jocasta, grabbed her limbs and threw her on the Queen-sized sleep number bed.. A chant of "Tie her up! Tie her up!" to the tune of the of the chant of "Lock her up" first made popular by the Great Generalissimo Michael Flynn, Trump's evanescent National Security Adviser. The fired-up crowd seized Jocasta's wrists and ankles, spread out her limbs and strapped her to the mattress. Jocasta struggled against her would-be captors, but it was all for show.

"Whatever you do Br'er Lurch, Don't let them chain me," Joey begged. "I loves you mommy. Don't let them handle me with their hot hands and drive me mad."

Joey rubbed his own hot hands together in anticipation of the upcoming multiple violations of the incest laws of Greater Peckerwood Township as well as several laws of nature. The assembled mob, which fortunately included among its members several champion weight-lifters, grabbed Joey and put him into horizontal position like a battering ram. They moved him back and forth about a quarter-inch above Jocasta's delectable flesh. His uninitiated phallus grew another foot (or at least it seemed that way). He stuck out his tongue, tracing her flesh from her pubis to her neck. The mob placed his mouth directly over her left breast. He was to able to take half of that proffered G-cup worthy titty in his mouth, squeezing it with his lips. In response, said hooter shot a round of delectable milk down Joey's throat. He felt an erotic flush spreading throughout his body.

"You kinda like that, don't you," Joey?," Jocasta said. "Does that taste familiar, my long-isolated son?"

"Yes," Joey replied. "Thanks for the mammaries. How I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old mammary, Mammaries are made for this..." Joey sang.

"Enough boy," Jocasta chided. "Try to hold it together and have some dignity, son. This is your barf mitzvah.

"Sorry, Mama. I'll try to keep it together. It's hard, literally. Plus, it's grown another foot and a half. I'm trembling, Mama. Your breast milk is doing some strange things to my body."

"Oh, it's not just breast milk, Joey. It is strongest form of breast milk, my son.. Its called royal clostridium, the strongest form of nourishment known to man. Made by eating poppies, horny goat weed, and the lotus of the Golden Pavilion, grown by Yeti monks in the Himalayas."

Joey took a drag off of Jocasta's hooter #2. The rush was instantaneous.

"Why do I recognize that taste? It must have been years ago when I was weaned."

"Well, Joey, You don't remember me, but I remember you. 'Twas not so long ago, you broke my heart in two. There are tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, caused by you.

"So you see it was not so very long ago, my scion. You were weaned at 15. You forget that we have a flourishing chapter of the La Lecher League here in .Greater Dogpatch. We believe in extended breast feeding for everybody. Did you know that among the Hootchie Cootchie tribe of Papua Even Newer Guinea it is considered a capital offense to wean a male infant before the age of maturity at 21? Also, among the Bunga-Bunga cannibals of East Rutherford, New Jersey, a child must be breastfed for the first year after death. As you can imagine this gets fairly dicey, what with continual disinterment and reinternment of the loved one, mandatory testing for zombie viruses and fungi, not to mention treatments aimed at retarding the decomposition of the body, and so on.

"We Dogpatchians also wet nurse each other, so that no one is let with a case of hooter hunger."

At that moment, the bungs flew off of all the members' nipples, male and female alike, and clostridium #12 began to be sprayed all over the spa/house of bondage. Each celebrant began licking the royal clostridium off of each other as well as off of the spanking new S&M equipment. Many of course drank the manna directly from the nips of their fellow Dogpatchians. It was the cement that bound the clan together.

Soon the celebrants resumed their focus on Joey, who was still being held in a horizontal position, ready, willing and able to serve as a battering ram to gain access to Jocasta's hungry, hungry womb .Soon the mob began to chant (once again to the tune of Generalissimo Mike Flynn's diddy, "Lock her up," only this time it was "Ram it in! Ram it in!"

And they did just that on the seventh count. The upper three feet of his Godzilla whacker was now invisible, buried in Jocasta's industrial strength cooz. Thank God for jumbo traffic cones!"

"Mom, maybe it would be help if you plucked out your eyes, so that you cannot see the demented mob that is gang-raping you. That's what Jocasta did in the nice story about us written by Sophocles. Go ahead, at least try it. What's the harm? It might help you relax. If it doesn't work, we can always try something else. Guys, untie her arms."

"OK, my son, here goes nothin'" Jocasta said, plucked out her right eyeball,, and laid it upon Joey's shoulder blade. "Whoa," said Jocasta, looking back at her own ass. "I've got a major case of cellulite going on down there. Hey Bea, what was the name of that company that removes fat cells by freezing them?"

"CoolSculting." Morticia Addams volunteered.

"Thanks Mort, that's the one. Bea, would you be a dear and book me for Monday?"

"Yavolt, mein fuhrer." Joey's Aunt Bea said, grabbing her own rising arm and forcing it back down a la Dr. Strangelove.

"But Jocasta honey, there is nothing wrong with your ass,." Morticia said. Trust me, I used to be a meat inspector for the FDA. Plus I have inspected every inch of your flawless rump and it is definitely Grade A, el primo, and in the words of Lawrence Welk, 'vundervar'. Do the other eye, and I'll show you."

"Won't I be blind then?" Jocasta said in a panicky voice.

"No silly, your optic nerves are still connected to your brain. and are dangling from your sockets. This is how they perform many ophthalmological surgeries."

"How do you know that? You're not an ophthalmologist."

"No, but I play one on TV."

"Oh yeah, what show?"

"The Good Doctor. Actually, I'm not technically a cast member. But I serve as a consultant to the show regarding autistic doctors, sociopathic doctors, sadomasochistic surgeons, schizophrenic doctors and sexually deviant physicians."

"Well that's good enough for me," Jocasta said and plopped her left eyeball out of its socket, placing it right next to the right one on Joey's shoulder blade.

"Here, I'll show you," Morticia said as she picked both orbs up, held them about four inches apart and gave them a 360-degree panoramic view of the spa / torture chamber.

"Whoa, that makes me want to hurl," Jocasta said.

Hey Bea, can you get me one of the barf buckets from the Whizzer over there."