Calm Ch. 04

Ellie's voice choked as tears welled up. She remembered Jeff's little face beaming up at her when she brought him a new toy or a book. He was always so happy with the smallest things, clinging to any flicker of joy in his life. Such a good boy, never did a thing wrong in his life. Her fingers clawed at the stone as she forced words from her throat. "I'll live for both of us, Jeff, and I'll be happy so you can know what it feels like. I love you, little guy. You're the only one I'll ever love."

She stood back up and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand. Tom put his hand on her shoulder and said, "Do you want to stay a little longer?"

"No, let's just go back."

"Okay."

***

Back at the loft, Tom put a big brown envelope in front of Ellie. "In here I have a lot of paperwork and your birthday present. I contacted a lawyer about what you can do in your situation. Since you're of age now, you can live apart from your father without ever having to come into contact with him. There's more in there, and you should read it all.

"I also arranged paperwork for you to either go back to school or to study for your exams independently. Your choice, but you do need your diploma if you want to go to university, and I don't want you to be delayed. There's some paperwork and stuff about emancipation and scholarships as well. Nothing final. It all needs your signature. You're the one deciding. Are you still with me?"

Ellie nodded, even though she didn't understand. She'd never been responsible for anything in her life, had never been allowed to make any important decisions.

"And then there's your present." Tom opened the envelope and tipped it. A labeled key and a plaque fell on the table with a clang. The label said 'Home' and the plaque said 'Ellie's room'. Entwined white orchids decorated the plaque.

Tom's hand found Ellie's, and he said "If you want, this place can be your home until you graduate from high school. As long as you behave that is."

Tom winked at Ellie and smiled. She ignored his jest and stared at the plaque. "You mean it? I can stay here that long? I don't have to leave?"

"Nope."

Ellie stroked the letters engraved in the key chain with her fingertips. "I don't know what to say, Tom. You and Ruth have already done so much for me."

Tom dismissed her comment and said, "After what we've just done together, none of that matters. Just shut up and give me a hug."

Ellie ran around the table and jumped Tom, wrapping herself around him like a koala bear. Tom laughed and pushed himself up. He walked into the living room with her clinging on for dear life and sat down. "Do you want to be alone tonight?"

Ellie shook her head against Tom's chest, gripping him a little tighter still.

"Mind if I call Ruth?"

"No."

Some time later, Ruth walked in to find them both still entangled. Tom held out his hand to her. "Come join us."

After a brief look had passed between her and Tom, Ruth shed her shoes and joined Tom and Ellie in a fuzzy group hug. Wrapped tightly together in something like a small, makeshift family.

***

Ellie stood between Tom and Ruth, glancing over her shoulder time after time. She rolled up her emancipation papers and then straightened them, but it was never long before her hands rolled them up again. "He'll be here soon, won't he?"

Tom put his hand on Ellie's shoulder and squeezed, "I wanted to avoid it if possible, but it's better if we can get your father to sign your papers. If he doesn't, then we'll need a lawyer. That would take a lot longer, and you'd have to see him a lot more. Let's hope for the best."

Ellie nodded and shuffled closer to Tom, hunching her shoulders and keeping his body between her and the door. Tom looked over at Ruth and gave her a worried look. He didn't see this ending well. It was almost their turn when Ellie's back stiffened, and she grabbed Tom's arm.

A man in disheveled clothes barged into the room. When he saw Ellie with Tom and Ruth, he shouted, "Who the fuck are you to call me and tell me you're waiting for me to sign a piece of paper that puts my daughter out on the street? Who the fuck are you in the first place, asshole? What did you do to Elizabeth? Elizabeth! Come here, we're leaving!"

The man tried to grab Ellie, but Tom grabbed his wrist and locked him in place. He smiled at Ellie and nodded towards Ruth. "Ellie, could you and Ruth please step aside? I think your father and I need to have a little talk in private."

Ellie hurried over to Ruth, who took the girl in her arms, her eyes glaring at Ellie's father over the girl's trembling shoulder. Nothing would harm Ellie in any way, not if Ruth had a say in it. Tom turned his empty smile towards Ellie's father and upped the pressure on the man's arm. "Now, could you please calm down and have a seat?"

The man's eyes were glued to his daughter. He ignored Tom and tried to step forward, but Tom stopped him again. "Sir, let's have a seat over there in the corner so we can have a conversation."

"Let me go. I need to go to my daughter! I haven't seen her in months."

He tried to work himself free, but it was no use.

"Sir, go over to the corner. I'm not letting you take a step closer to your daughter."

With mounting rage apparent in his every move, Ellie's father gave in and stomped over to the corner. He sat down, trembling from the effort it took him to keep from lashing out.

Tom joined him and let his smile fade away as he leaned in close. In a cold and measured tone, he said "Let me tell you who the fuck I am. I'm the one who notified you that your daughter was in a safe place, and that she didn't want to have any contact with you. If it had been her choice, you'd be thinking she was dead by now. That's how afraid she is of you."

He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "Just look at her now. You step into the room, and she can barely even look up because she's petrified."

Tom's brown eyes locked on the haggard face in front of him. "I called you here today so you could sign her emancipation papers. She wants nothing to do with you. No money to go study, no visits, no nothing. The only way she can get a scholarship without involving you is through emancipation. She wants to be free from you, her father. Let her go and maybe, just maybe, years from now she might want to reconnect. As much as I hate to admit it, you're still her father. Children and parents share a bond, no matter what happens."

Tom looked at the older man's face, scouring it for any sign his words had penetrated his thick skull. A cold anger replaced the fury Ellie's father had shown earlier, fueled by instant hate for the man before him. He tried to get up and step around Tom, but the younger man mirrored his move. "You brainwashed my daughter! She'd never want any of this. Not my Elizabeth."

"The moment Ellie understood what emancipation was, she agreed to go through with it, immediately. She didn't even need to consider it. I didn't brainwash your daughter. You raped and abused her. You're the one responsible here. You drove her away. The only one at fault is you."

Ellie's father tried to walk away from Tom and go to Ellie again, but Tom's voice stopped him. "Touch her, and I call the police. It'll take them a few minutes to get here, and I can restrain you very easily, so don't even think about it."

The older man turned back, his breathing fast as he balled his fists. He was near his boiling point again. With a growling voice, he said "I'm leaving."

"You won't sign Ellie's papers?"

"Like hell I will! I'm getting a lawyer! You can't keep my daughter away from me!"

Tom folded his arms. "I can. I don't want to take things that far, but if Ellie testifies against you, she can be lawfully protected from her abuser. So please, sign the papers and we won't have to see each other ever again."

"You fucking asshole!"

Tom's calm cracked, and he answered the insult in a low, threatening voice. "You've hurt her enough. Do the respectable thing as a parent and let her go. Find help so you can be more than a piece of shit if the time ever comes when Ellie wants to see you again. Don't come looking for her, don't contact her. Just sign the papers."

They stared at each other, but it was Ellie's father that folded. He rushed out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him. Tom sighed and relaxed. Everyone in the room was staring at him. It was to be expected after that show. He waved Ruth and Ellie forward. "Go on, girls, it's your turn. He's gone. I'll call my lawyer so we can take the next steps."

Ellie slowly returned to her normal self, but she was jittery for hours after they returned from the public office. Still, she'd gone through her first meeting with her father in months, and she'd seen how he folded under Tom's steady determination. Ellie didn't think she was that strong yet, but it gave her courage to know her tormentor could be beaten in real life as well, not just in an act.

***

Not a single noise had disturbed the quiet in Ellie's room for hours. And if one had, she'd missed it. The book in her hands drew her in, pulled her into an imaginary world. Ellie didn't hear the rasp of the pages as she turned them, nor did she hear the knock on her door. The knock got louder, more insistent. "Elizabeth!"

Startled, Ellie slammed her book shut and shot up in her bed. She hurried toward her door to open it, but it was locked. How? She never locked her door, father didn't allow her to. Then why was it locked? "I'm sorry, father, but the door's locked."

"Unlock it."

"I can't, I don't have a key."

"You locked it didn't you?"

"I didn't, please believe me."

The door rattled in its lock as her father pulled on it. "Who locked it then?"

"I... I don't know."

No answer came from beyond the door. Ellie wrung her hands and looked around for a key, maybe she'd just forgotten.

Her father's angry voice coming through the solid door chilled her to the bone. "It was your brother, wasn't it? The little shit's trying to keep me away from you. Where's he hiding? Is he in there?"

Ellie froze and turned back towards the door. What was she going to do? She had to protect Jeff. "I'll have it open in a second! Please wait."

The boom of a strong kick against the door startled Ellie, and she stumbled backwards. "Don't bother. I'll get the key off your brother."

Panic overpowered Ellie's fear, and she flew at the door handle, twisting and pulling it with both her hands. Nothing happened. She pounded the door and shouted, "Please, father! Just wait! I'll open it!"

But it was no use, she could hear his footsteps move further away from her door. Ellie doubled her efforts to force the door to open. Her hands hurt. They glowed red, and she even had cuts. Still she kept trying.

Ellie stood panting, leaned up against her door, when she heard the sound. Drag. Thump. Drag. Thump. She sank down on her knees and clawed her nails into the wood of the cursed door. He'd gotten Jeff. Too many times she'd heard that sound. Every fiber in Ellie's body wanted to bust through her door and run to where Jeff was so she could hold him close and cuddle him. Maybe make him smile even if he was hurting. She loved those brave smiles the most.

Soon, the noise stopped and Ellie heard the door to Jeff's room closing. Father's footsteps got closer again. Ellie's blood rushed through her veins. Her breathing came in quick, shallow bursts. So fast she felt she was suffocating. Ellie fought to calm down, but the more she tried to control it, the more she felt she was dying. Her eyes were wide in her purple, choking face as she fell to the ground, staring at the cursed door.

The lock clicked. The handle turned. Father was coming in! She had to run! Crawl away and hide. But she couldn't move. Better not to think, not to struggle. Better to run somewhere inside of herself to a place where father couldn't catch her. So much better.

When her father's footsteps reached her, Ellie's breathing had calmed down, and her eyes saw nothing. Her father took her hand and helped her up. "That's a good girl. Now go sit where I want you to, yes. That's good. You're so beautiful. So much like your mother. I love you, Elizabeth. You're such a good girl."

Ellie woke and balled up under her sheets. The darkness soothed her. It hid the world from her and reassured her she was alone. The feel of her duvet reminded her she was no longer with her father, at home. She'd slept under sheets there. Danger existed there in the shape of her father, but here she was safe. She didn't have to be alone here. If she was scared, she could find someone to hold her.

Before she got out of bed, Ellie peeked out from under the duvet to see if the room was empty. It was. Of course it was. Still, on her way to the master bedroom, Ellie kept glancing over her shoulder, and the fear she'd felt in her dream returned. The door handle to Tom and Ruth's bedroom was the biggest hurdle on her short trip to safety. She'd break down and cry if the door was locked. It wasn't, and it slid open without a sound.

Faint light shone into the room from the hallway, and Ellie watched the sleeping faces before her. Ruth looked so small, snuggled up against Tom. He had his arm around her. The duvet hid all but the top of Ruth's head from the world. Tom's face looked peaceful. Contentment. That's what the scene before her showed. The sight made Ellie's fear fade.

How many times had she watched Jeff in his sleep? At night he didn't need to worry about a thing. When he slept, Jeff was just a boy. Every day, just another boy asleep in his bed with soccer sheets.

Ellie moved toward the bed with tears wetting her cheeks. She'd crawled in bed with Jeff more times than she could count. His little body was just so pleasant to hold onto. He never tossed in his sleep. Ellie always hoped that Jeff would know in his dreams that someone was with him. In the mornings he always smiled when he woke up in her arms. Just for that smile alone Ellie risked her father's anger again and again.

This time it would be her smiling in the morning. It made her sad and happy at the same time.

***

Ellie opened her eyes and saw Tom looking down at her, with Ruth's head nestled on top of his shoulder. She closed her eyes again and rolled over to her other side. A blush crept across her cheeks.

"Good morning."

When Ellie didn't respond, Tom poked her in the side. In a quiet voice she said, "Good morning."

"That's better. It was a surprise to find you in bed with us. Is everything all right?"

"I'm okay, it's just... I had a bad dream, and I didn't want to be alone so I came here to watch you guys. Not that I do that all the time or anything like that, but I used to watch Jeff, you know? You were both sleeping, and I didn't want to wake you. But I didn't want to leave either, so I crawled in with you. I hope you don't think it's weird."

Ellie closed her eyes when she felt Tom's hand on her head.

"It's fine."

Ruth put in her two cents. "You're cute when you sleep, Ellie. Sucking your thumb like a little baby."

Ellie saw the smile on Ruth's face. She couldn't help but return it. Ruth pulled on Tom's shoulder, and he rolled onto his back so she could crawl over him and nestle between him and Ellie. "You want to talk about it?"

Ellie shook her head, but still she felt herself move closer to Ruth. "Hold me?"

She didn't dare look up, so the arms that wrapped around her felt like a double relief. The tears came then. If only she'd run away sooner. If only... "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, Ellie."

"I should've taken him away so long ago." Her sobs made it hard for her to even finish her sentences. "But I didn't, and I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault. Nobody's blaming you."

"Why not? I could have saved him!"

Ruth pushed Ellie's face into her chest. Ellie struggled and tried to fight her, but Ruth didn't allow her to speak a single word. "Be quiet. Don't hurt yourself like that. You were a wonderful Sister to a remarkable little boy, I'm sure of it. Had you known it was possible, you would've been out of there in a heartbeat.

"But listen to me, Ellie. You can only think of so many things at the same time. If it takes all you have to just keep on fighting, then you won't even think about escaping. And that's even more true when you have someone to protect. You did your best, Ellie. I just know you did. Just shut up and cry now. We'll help you get through it."

Ruth's words froze Ellie in place. Ellie had no idea what to think or feel first. She felt stupid for blaming herself, yet she still felt guilty. She was sad, but her memories warmed her. The woman holding her warmed her. Above all she felt regret. Her hands clawed at Ruth's shirt, and she buried her face even deeper in Ruth's chest.

Tom pulled the duvet over the two of them, making a tiny space for them. Ellie couldn't see a thing anymore. All she could hear was her own crying and the soft heartbeat of her friend, her mentor. The heat of their bodies was trapped underneath the duvet and became close to unbearable, but Ellie just let it seep inside of her. She struggled for breath, but still she wouldn't let go.

It was all too much for Ellie. Her grief was too deep, and she didn't see a way to bridge the fissure torn through her heart.

'You'll be okay. It's fine. I'm here.'

Ruth's soft-spoken words made Ellie believe that maybe there was a way. She lifted her head, and Ruth stopped her whispering. If there was a way, Ruth would know it. "How can I feel better?"

Ruth grabbed the duvet and threw it aside, allowing fresh air to stream over them. She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled before she answered. "How? You fight until you feel sad, then you grieve until you can fight again. You keep living your life and there will come a time when the fight is over. That's when you grieve for what you've lost, for what could have been. That's when you accept it. But only after you've won the fight."

"How do I fight?"

"With everything you can think of. Anything will do."

Ellie nodded.

"You understand?"

"I have no idea."

Ruth laughed and said, "At least you've still got a sense of humor. That's worth a lot. Let's get breakfast. I'm sure Tom made something special."

Ruth grabbed Ellie's hand and half dragged Ellie out of bed and on to the kitchen. Ellie's smile returned on her way to the kitchen. A happy Ruth always made her smile.

***

Tom glanced at Ellie, she was reading again. She'd been steadily devouring books lately. Like she had when she just got here. Ruth sat beside him, and Tom didn't even have to ask his question to get a whispered answer. "She's fine."

"Are you sure? She hasn't been talking much to me for the past week. Every time I see her, she's got her nose buried in another book. Does she talk to you?"

"We've talked a lot when we're training. She's full of energy when she sets foot on the mat and there's no end to the things she tells me. Every word gets punched at me and half of the time I don't even get what she's saying, but she's throwing it all out, and I love it. I can't get enough of seeing her like that. I'm not sparring with the same Ellie on the mat. The one that throws me around is the one she wants to become, I can feel it."

Tom listened to Ruth and wondered. Was she right? Had Ellie taken another step closer to recovery? He hoped she was right.

"Sir?"

Startled from his thoughts, Tom looked at Ruth and saw she'd lowered her head and folded her hands together. A position he'd taught her to use when they were in public. Tom forgot about his thoughts and focused on his little girl. She needed something from him. In a voice soft enough so Ellie wouldn't hear, Tom said "You have something to ask me, little girl?"