Can it get any worse

We sat in her kitchen, I was concentrating on a point on the table next to my coffee cup. "Winston, how much do you remember about your past life?"

"Not a lot, it could be my mind protecting me from what I have experienced, or just that my brain is still not functioning properly. There have been flashes where I have seen myself with a woman, but they don't last long, it could be, as soon as that memory surfaces, my brain shuts down to protect me from the hurt."

"You said that you were married. Could this woman have been your wife?"

"I really don't know. When I was released from rehab I was put in the care of a social worker who spoke to my wife and ex-employer to try to get some assistance for me, at the least some sympathy, she got neither. I tried living with my family but that was a disaster, my father had early stages of dementia and was beating up my mother on a regular basis. I gave up on that, I felt so hopeless, my father continually belittled me, told me it was my fault that I had nothing. I found myself with no self-confidence and that was the beginning of my downward spiral until I met you yesterday."

"You seem to be coping okay now."

"You can put that down to Benjy and Tom, they are great. They made me feel welcome and wanted. I have been thinking.. "

"What have you been thinking?"

"You say that you took over this soup kitchen. It must cost a fortune to run it and looking at this house, I'd hazard a guess that you're not wallowing in money, so how do you do it?"

"One of the things that I have come to realise is that there is a certain amount of guilt to be had in living the life that I had been, when so many people couldn't afford the basics of life. My ex left me with enough to buy this house and the building that the kitchen occupies. The space that I do not use is leased to businesses that don't mind my clientele. That income covers the utility costs and any incidental costs, the food is mostly donations from supermarkets and restaurants, so our costs are low. I choose to have my needs met, I have no need for the things that my previous life demanded. There you have it."

"I have never met anyone like you. You're not what I would call a classical beauty, your beauty is inside. You have a certain vulnerability that I'm sure has been taken advantage of in the past, and probably will in the future. You have a life that I find inspirational, and one that I aspire to, having experienced the high life and the low. What little I know of you has whet my appetite to know more. I want to get to know you before I make the decision that will be with me for the rest of my life."

"And what might that be?"

"I want to work with you. There are not enough people in this world like you, and I hope to join those ranks, if you will let me and want me."

"I'm going to speak plainly, not my style, but here goes. Winston, you had better not be bullshitting me, because I am in danger of going against my instincts and lowering my guard. I see in you a caring person, one who has had a rough trot and wants to do something about it. If I'm wrong tell me now. Don't worry, I'll not kick you out tonight. If you decide to stay it had better be for the long haul."

"Having been the victim of broken promises, I will make this promise, and that is, I will work with you, I will dedicate myself to your work, and to you. I might be jumping the gun here, but I can see myself falling in love with you. It could be because you are not like any woman that I've met before, it's something intangible."

Julia stood and came to me. I took her in my arms. "Winston, I am not going to jump off the jetty until I know that I can swim, what I am saying is that I'm prepared to give it a week. If, at the end of that time we still feel the same way, I am prepared to lower my guard and let you into my life completely." She gave me a quick, chaste kiss on the lips.

"There's something different about you today." Benjy said as I started on preparing the vegetables for the evening rush hour.

"You could say that. Julia and I have discussed my plight. For the foreseeable future I will work with her here. I want to get my life stabilised before I venture forth."

"You may venture forth. I could be wrong, but neither of you have any intention of moving on."

"We shall see what we shall see, that's all that I'm saying at this time."

"Okay." He had sharpened his knife and was attacking a lamb shoulder. I didn't like the way he looked at me as he ran the blade along the sharpening steel, he was warning me of the consequences if I hurt Julia.

It was the end of the week. Julia and I sat at her kitchen table. "Julia.. "

"Can I go first?"

"Sure."

"I have watched you working with Benjy and Tom, the three of you work well together, and I have had a word with Benjy. We, if we decide to venture down this path, have his blessing. I feel that you and I are travelling on the same path, it could be that we have had similar experiences in the past, it could be that we have the same values, whatever it is, I am willing to lower my guard. Welcome to my world, welcome to my life, that is if you want it."

"I want nothing more. Julia, you are the most amazing, most caring woman I have ever met. There was something about you that attracted me the first day, when you sat at the table and listened to my tale of woe. There was something in the way that you looked at me, you were not judging me because of my appearance, my crappy clothes, there was no pity in that look. I made up my mind from that very beginning, that if you gave me more than a meal, gave me a chance, I would make the most of my opportunity. Julia, I love you."

Julia looked at me and, slowly, beginning at her mouth, her face broke into a smile. Her eyes did something weird, they softened and glowed at the same time. While it could not be said that Julia was beautiful in the fashion model way, her face was now the most beautiful that I have ever seen.

Her forehead touched mine. "I love you." Her lips touched mine. "I love you so very much." She stood up and held her hand out to me.

I stood and slowly moved to her, "What do we do now?"

"Come with me." She held her hand to me and led me to her bedroom.

Making love must be one of those autonomic actions, because I had no idea what I was doing, whatever it was must have been right, judging by her reactions as I caressed her in the moments leading up to us making love.

It was early when we arrived at the kitchen to prepare for the morning rush. "Congratulations you two." Benjy said.

"What do you mean?" Julia asked.

"Christ, you couldn't be more obvious if you tried. You've got your shit together, haven't you?"

"Yes we have. That's all we're saying, we have work to do and people to feed."

"Yes boss. Come on Winston, just because you're shagging the boss doesn't mean that you can slacken off."

Neither of us were offended.

Tom bustled in, chucking his bag onto a vacant bench top. "What do we have for today?"

"Nothing to get excited about. Talking of excitement, guess what?"

""No idea. Tell me."

"Winston here, and our fearless leader, Julia have been doing the wild thing."

"No way."

"Yes way. They arrived here, both looking like the cat that got the canary. I'm not surprised mind you, it was obvious from day one."

"I don't blame him, she's a lovely lady is our Julia, and if I wasn't already spoken for, I'd have a crack at her myself."

"Hey, I'm here you know."

"I suppose that he's going to start bossing us around." Tom said.

"Stop! I will not be bossing you around, you two have the operation here all worked out, the last thing that I will do is to change that. I suggest that we cut the crap and get to work."

"See, no sooner has he got his end in and he's throwing his weight around. Just kidding, you don't really think that we'd take any notice of you just because you've succeeded when others have not, me included."

We attacked the donated food and soon the smells of a hearty meal filled the kitchen.

I learned a lot over the next three months, how to prepare the food, how to cook it, how to stretch it to make it go further and all the time Julia and I grew ever closer.

She it was that showed me that a plate of good wholesome food was better for me than the minuscule serves plonked in front of you by celebrity chefs. Having your basic needs met was much less stressful than the continual drive to gain your wants. I know, if everyone was satisfied with just their needs then the manufacturing industry would have to scale back and lay off workers.

In the back of my mind, in those half awake hours in the early morning, my past life had begun to reappear, and it pleased my not at all.

"Darling, I have been thinking, do you want to know what you did before the attack?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"Of the life I want with you, and our children, being destroyed by something that happened in the past. What do remember of your wife?"

"She was beautiful. Since meeting you I have come to realise that there is beauty and there is beauty."

"What do you mean?"

"Her beauty was superficial, it was all about appearance, her appearance had to be perfect or she would not appear at whatever function we were supposed to be at until it was just right. Your beauty on the other hand is within you. Don't get me wrong, you are beautiful, but in a more substantial way. Outward appearance holds a lesser importance, and I love you for that."

"Good."

"How so?"

"Because my darling man, I have just had it confirmed that I am pregnant." She kissed me softly on the lips. "I hope that you are pleased with my news."

"How could I not be." I returned her kiss. Life for me was looking just fine at last.

We had just finished the early meals and were cleaning up, when two policemen walked in and approached me.

"Winston Smith?"

"Yes."

"Winston Smith, I am placing you under arrest, would you come with us please."

"What is the charge?"

"You are charged with fraud."

"I don't understand."

"Excuse me officer." Julia said.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the operator of this facility and Winston works here. I know something of his past life, more than he does probably. He was badly beaten some years ago and does not remember anything of what might have happened before that assault. How can he be expected to defend himself against any charge that results from his previous life if he can not remember what happened?"

"If he does not have legal representation then that will be provided. He will have the opportunity to review the evidence that has been produced by the authorities regarding this matter."

"Don't worry darling, it will be all right, I will take care of it." She kissed me.

At the police station, I sat at a table, opposite me sat a man and a woman. The recorder was switched on and the questioning began."

"Mister Smith, you were a commodities broker for Masterton Management?"

"I don't know."

"Following your release from the rehabilitation centre, did you or did not approach your employer with the view to resuming your previous employment?"

"No, I did not."

"He looked at the file in front of him. "It states here that you approached your previous employer on Thursday the fifth of July."

"I did not. It may have been the carer assigned to me acting on my behalf, he was exploring the possibility of me returning to work, or receiving some sort of compensation for the time lost because of the beating."

"It is your previous employer that has filed the charges against you. It is claimed that you used your position within the company to defraud the company."

"I wouldn't know about that, I don't know what I did before I was assaulted."

There was a knock on the door. "Excuse me Sergeant, there's a man here claiming to be Mister Smith's legal counsel."

"Send him in."

A well dressed man in his forties or thereabouts came. "I'm Phillip Chalmers. I have been requested to act for Mister Smith. Can I have time to speak to my client, alone?" The police rose to leave the room. "If you don't mind turning off that recorder and any other listening device I'd appreciate it." Switches were switched off.

"Who hired you?"

"Someone who loves you very much, enough to go back on her word to never speak to me again. I am her ex-husband, before I started the church I was a Lawyer, and a very good one. Julia tells me that the two of you are planning a life together, I must say that I am pleased, and then I'm not. You see, for a time I had hopes of the two of us getting back together. That will not happen it seems. She is a wonderful woman and I now know that I was a fool. Now, shall we look at what the charges are?" He reached for the evidence folder. "Hmm. Okay, there was a significant amount of funds that went missing from the company that you worked for. It was not discovered until after you were assaulted. The company was alerted to the losses by one of your colleagues, let's see who it was. Do you know a James McArdle?"

"Yes, I think you'll find that he's married to my ex-wife."

"Interesting. Okay, let's get the police in and get this over and done with, shall we?" He signalled to the mirror for the police to come back.

"Sir, madam, the charges set out in this case are flimsy at best, and based on the evidence of a person who has a very good reason to implicate my client in a matter that he had nothing to do with. Unless you have something more substantial I suggest that you drop these charges, and allow my client to leave, so you can fully investigate this matter. We expect an apology."

We walked free from the police station, Julia was there to meet us. After kissing me she turned to looked quixotically at her ex-husband. "Well, how did it go?"

"He's free for now, but with the money and personnel involved, we have work to do."

"Thank you for this, I didn't know who to turn to. I know that Winston is not guilty of anything."

"I'm sure that he is not, and not just because you love him and are a very good judge of character, myself excluded. I'll get my best people onto this, now that I'm no longer interested in the church or the money it brought me, I can help you two as much as I can."

"Why have you given up on the church, you seemed so passionate about it."

"I was more passionate about the wealth it attracted, that was until I met a man who questioned my beliefs and motives. I had no answer."

The next day brought with it a new problem. I was served with a summons to appear to answer a claim for child support filed by my ex-wife. Can it be any worse?

"Mister Smith, your wife Jessica has lodged a claim stating that, since your separation, you have provided no financial support in relation to your children. What say you to this?" The Magistrate had little sympathy.

"This woman claims to be my wife, I don't even know her."

"Explain yourself."

"I have a vague recollection of having been married, but that is all that it is. I have no memories of my life before the time of the assault, I have no recollection of having separated from my wife, I spent a long time recovering from the injuries sustained in the vicious assault some years ago. I have no memory of a time spent in hospital or of anyone visiting me while I was in the rehabilitation centre, certainly there was no person to assist me, forcing me to live rough on the streets."

"Are you employed at this time?"

"I work as a volunteer at a soup kitchen, I receive no income from this except for the free meals that I receive."

"In this claim, the plaintiff states that you are in a relationship with the woman who runs the soup kitchen where you are employed, is this true?"

"Yes, we recently have entered into a relationship."

"Does your partner have an income?"

"I don't know, I don't think so, this soup kitchen is a not for profit centre and I have no idea of the financial status of Julia, my partner."

"How is this business financed?"

"Again I don't know. The food is donated by local businesses, but as to the finances for the running costs, I have no idea."

"You haven' t discussed this with this Julia?"

"No."

"The building, who owns that?"

"Again, I don't know. Really, all that I'm interested in at this time is getting my memory back and repaying the debt that I owe to Julia for helping me to find my feet again. No-one else was bothered. If I had a wife, where was she when all of this was happening?"

"If I may step in," Phillip stood up, "I don't think that Mister Smith has enough knowledge of family law to effectively answer questions. I have been asked to act on his behalf."

"And you are?"

"I am his legal counsel."

"Very well."

"Ms. Smith, You claim that your husband has a large amount of money that he can access, that will allow him to provide child support for the children of your marriage. Do you have proof of that?"

"Yes, I have a statement from his bank stating that his account balance is currently at one hundred and seventy thousand dollars."

"Mister Smith, were you aware of this account?"

"No, since my release from rehab I have been living rough. I was not made aware of any money I had in an account. If my wife had been interested in my well-being, I would have thought that she would have made contact with me at some point. I have only recently become aware that there was a woman in my life before the assault. I had no recollection of having been married or who this woman was. I have not deliberately defaulted on my responsibility to my children, I simply was unaware of it."

"Ms Smith, before taking out this claim for child support, did you attempt to contact Mister Smith and negotiate your claim?"

"No. I have only recently become aware that he was still alive. He was not expected to survive the assault."

"Ms Smith, are you not married to a James McArdle?"

"No. I was, but that relationship has ended."

"How soon after the assault on Mister Smith did you begin this relationship with Mister McArdle?"

"A few months. I had no income and he agreed to provide for me and the children."

"And you married him when?"

"Six months later."

"Even though you were still technically married to Mister Smith?"

"Yes. James told me that he had died in hospital without regaining consciousness."

"You didn't think to check this out?"

"No, I trusted James."

"Why did your relationship fail?"

"I don't know, He told me that something had come up and that he could no longer be married to me."

"Who was it that told your that your husband was still alive?"

"James. He said that there was a problem at work, they both worked for the same company, and that Winston was involved. He said that, having been made aware that Winston was still alive, and that the company would begin proceedings against him."

"If you were indeed married to James McArdle, would it not sound strange that he should distance himself from you. Would he not support you?"

"He told me that I was entitled to child support and that if we were still married Winston could not deny responsibility for that support."

"Where is he now?"

"I don't know."

"Were you aware that, while he was incapacitated and following his recovery, Mister Smith had no source of income?"

"James said that he had been drawing from the account that was in his name."

"Do you have a copy of those transactions?"

"No, but James said that he had been shown a copy of them."

"Would it interest you to know that withdrawals had been made from this account while Mister Smith was in a coma? How do you think he could have done that?"

"I don't know. I had nothing to do with the finances, James took care of that."

"Are you aware that the company, that both men had been employed by, have instituted proceedings against Mister Smith regarding fraudulent transactions allegedly carried out by him?"