Caricature Valentines

"Was a bus driver, Ken, and a part-time chauffeur when I met Rory's mother," spoke Henry, "and for quite a while I was a pretty mean bass player in a rock band. So I'm just a plain Mr and been hanging on in there with Pat, happy and grateful."

"Which rock band?" I asked.

Three voices together said, "All's Well."

"Gordon Bennett's backing band?"

"Yeah. We were kids who grew up together," Henry smiled, "playing for fun in church halls in the early to late sixties, while still learning to play, doing covers of The Beatles and Stones, at weekends, until Pat and I met. Then, I needed to sharpen up pretty sharpish and make something of myself, especially after his Lordship the Earl of Burghley disowned my lovely new wife for following her heart and I had to become a breadwinner, so I became an impresario and did well for myself. Bit still playing as a guest whenever I could."

"Indeed, Henry was my second husband," Pat admitted, "I was married off at 18 to somebody that only Daddy approved of, but Rupert was a complete arse, and I divorced him against Daddy's wishes within a year and married Henry here who, you must admit has stayed the course very well considering he played guest appearances with headline bands all over the world and we travelled together before and after having our child. He was manager of lots of bands and impresario of concerts and festivals. And he's always forgetting to tell people he has just met that he was knighted for services to the music industry over 20 years ago."

"It was a fun ride, but I guess Rory never wanted for anything and he never grew up," Henry said, "we only recently caught up with the rumours and Rory admitted his failed marriage was his fault."

"So we are looking after Lottie's interest at the moment," Pat winked at me.

"You mean but..." I spluttered.

"Oh no," Lydia interjected, stamping her foot, "this is not happening. Lottie, Lady Pat, let go of my husband this instance. He's mine!"

"Tsk tsk," Pat shook her head as she looked up at Lydia. "How could you treat your husband like you have and risk your children's happiness?"

I swear the blood left Lydia's like a drain tap had been opened, her lips flapping, "W-what d'yer mean?"

"Lydia," Lottie spoke up, "my sister Maria told me about tonight's booking a couple of months ago, about how you completely missed your eighth anniversary here and even embarrassed your parents' Ruby Wedding celebration here last November by your no-show and that Ken booked this table for the whole of this evening, prepared to wait just in case you let him down again. He was going to wait here until you turned up, however late. As you know, my Dad-in-law Henry here has a lot of legal contacts to dig up the dirt or bury the dirt on his managed bands and he found out all about your firm. Shame on you, Lydia."

"No, but, you couldn't have," Lydia wailed, "we were so discrete."

"Not discrete enough, Lyddie," Pat said before turning to me, "Lawyers love to boast and gossip in chambers, so indiscretions are easily spread among their kind, Ken. We managed to tap into some of the sources for your investigative articles and dropped them hints that we thought would get back to you. Sorry about the subterfuge tonight, but we're here to support you in whatever way you need."

"Well," I said, "that explains a lot. I was amazed what my investigator was able to find out in just a couple of months."

"But, honey, you got me a card and a present, surely...." Lydia left the rest unsaid as she picked up the heavy card envelope and very light bottle bag. She ripped open the envelope and as soon as she saw the front of the card, she dropped it.

As it hit the table it opened and the folded papers headed "Dissolution of Marriage" spilled out, extinguishing the candle and spilling hot wax on the crisp white table cloth. The front of the card showed a caricature of Ken's heart being shattered by a caricature of Lydia using a sledgehammer, the message on the card reading, "You Broke My Heart on Valentine's Day". While the speech bubble from Lydia's caricature said, "I've got me some new partners".

"I couldn't get the original cartoonist that did our first Valentine, Lydia, he'd retired and disappeared off to Spain, but I found one just as good on Fivver," I said. "You haven't opened your gift bag, honey."

Lydia had the handle clenched in her hand. She used the shaking fingers from her other hand to open the bag and peer inside, a puzzled look appeared on her tear-stained face.

"A tin can?" she asked as she pulled it from the otherwise empty gift bag.

"It's one of six," Lottie added helpfully, "but Ken only packed one. They are handy for kitchen storage. Ooh, it rattles, Lyd. I wonder what's inside?"

Lydia lifted the clear plastic lid and peered inside before emptying the two contents into her palm.

"What's this?" she asked.

"My wedding ring, I have no further use for it," I replied, "I took it off three weeks ago and you hadn't noticed, or indicated that you'd noticed. And that other object is a computer memory stick with a couple of hundred stills and four movies, that my investigator got from the luxury third floor flat your partners share with you in Market Square Plaza. They are not legally procured, so are not admissible in court, but would be damaging to you and your firm were they to be, shall we say, leaked to the public. I only watched two minutes of one video, it was more than enough to end my marriage. My solicitor did wade through the whole lot he tells me, and my investigator was able to identify the four individuals as partners on your firm and we've named as co-respondents in the Dissolution document. Agree to the terms, Lydia, giving me sole custody of the children and house until the last child leaves further education, and we'll change the Dissolution on grounds of Adultery to one of Unreasonable Behaviour, i.e. your lack of involvement in the lives of your husband and children. Otherwise we will go with what we have and see if your partners' marriages last any longer than mine did once I had proof of your conduct. I will allow you to visit the children as often as you like of course. In fact you will see them in the morning as they are overnighting with your parents, where you will be sleeping. I changed all the locks at the house today."

"Oh shit!" she exclaimed, dropping the empty bag and putting both hands up to her face. "That's why I couldn't get in to the house to get changed. I only realised it was our anniversary when Mum rang me. I answered because I wondered if there was a problem with Dad or the kids. Mum only rang me because the kids were staying there overnight and wanted to say goodnight before bedtime. They'd already kissed you goodnight when you dropped them off this morning. Oh shit! I've really fucked up, right?"

"No shit, Sherlock," I said in reply. "We're done, I think."

Looking up I could see the restaurant manager Joseph and his wife Maria approaching the table. I assumed that we were making a bit of a scene.

"Sorry, Joseph, for the disturbance," I said, getting up from my seat, with some difficulty as Lottie and Pat were still holding onto my hands, "I think I'm ready to go now."

"No need to go, Ken," Joseph soothed, "but I think Lydia should depart. You will always be welcome here Lydia but not now, tonight is for romantic lovers not cheaters."

Lydia ran through the restaurant tears streaming down her cheeks.

Joseph's wife Maria turned to me, "Don't worry about Lydia getting to her parents' house, Joe Junior has her keys and will drive her home, Lady Pat's chauffeur will follow them and bring Joey back. Now, what do you think of my sister?"

"Who?" I asked, bewildered.

"My kid sister, Lottie here, she's the baby of the family, has not been treated well so far by her man and we all hoped you could help each other through your pain and let Lottie know that there are still good guys about."

Although I had stood up, Pat and Lottie still held my hands. I sat down again.

"Good boy, Ken," Maria said and kissed me on the forehead, then rubbed off the lipstick with a thumb. "I'll send your waiter over for your order, then, yes?"

"Yes, all right," I said, looking across at Lottie. "Are you all right?"

She smiled back. "Yes, Ken, perfectly all right."

"Good, shall we order?"

"Please, after all the excitement, I'm even hungrier.?

"So, former chef Lottie, what would you recommend for starters?"

"I have a few ideas," she grinned, "the first is that you could put my birthday down in your diary, the 23rd of July. We could dine here."

"Excellent, I will leave the next few courses in your hands then, Lottie and I'll send a photo of your likeness to my new cartoonist."

Yes. I was feeling a whole lot more romantic than at the start of St Valentine's Day.

The end