Changes Ch. 11

"Please, I know you're hurting. I can see it. I can see that you're angry."

Vanessa looked at Heather, her eyes blazing.

"I know I hurt you and I'm sorry. Please, just say something. Anything!"

"I," Vanessa sighed. "I'm not angry."

Heather was getting very agitated at Vanessa's reticence. "Vanessa! You're bottling it up. I need you to let it out!"

Again all she got from Vanessa was a blazing look before she turned away.

"Can you just," Heather said loudly before taking a deep breath. "Please, Vanessa, it's like you've shut down!"

"What do you want me to say?" Vanessa asked softly.

"Anything! Yell if you want. Tell me I'm a horrible person for what,"

"Stop!" Vanessa interrupted. "Just stop, ok?"

Heather shut up, stunned.

Vanessa looked at her long before she shook her head, "I'm sorry," she said, her shoulders slumping. "I don't think I can do this."

"What?"

"I can't.

Heather was in a panic, "Oh god, Vanessa. Please! Just, I...you can't?"

Vanessa shook her head.

"But, I love you. And I can't imagine, please just," Heather moved forward to kiss Vanessa who held up her hand. In tears Heather asked, "Why won't you kiss me?"

"I can't, Heather."

"Why?" Heather asked, exasperated.

"Because I can't!" Vanessa yelled. She stood up. "I can't okay? I can't be angry and hurt and and kiss you and be a friend at the same time! Okay?" Vanessa said loudly. "I know I promised that I'd try, but it's too much! I just fucking can't," Vanessa groaned, leaning her back against a wall.

Heather looked up at her, confused. "What?"

"Oh Heather," Vanessa sighed.

"No, what did you promise you'd try?" Heather asked, now standing up.

"To be your friend."

"But, I... but you're my girlfriend," Heather said, still trying to make sense of what was happening. "Or are you saying that you want to break up?" she whispered.

"I want to break up?" Vanessa exclaimed. "You're the one that left! You're the one that changed her mind!"

"I... Oh my god Vanessa!" Heather said taking a step towards her. Now this made sense. "Vanessa, I didn't leave because I changed my mind!"

"What?" Vanessa asked, looking exhausted.

"Oh god, I can't believe," she sat down, holding her head in her hands. "I can't believe I've been so stupid!"

"Heather, I don't know what you're saying." She said defeatedly.

"Vanessa, I'm in love with you. I want to be with you forever!"

"What? Then why the fuck did you leave?"

Heather shook her head, the sense of relief making it difficult to think. "Jules, Valerie," Heather mumbled.

Vanessa sighed, "Names don't really make much sense here."

"I didn't know if I could be a mum to Jules!" Heather said before moving in and hugging Vanessa.

"What?" Vanessa roared.

"I, Jules, I love her! So so much! And she is used to having me around. What if I can't be a mum?"

"What the hell are you saying, Heather?" Vanesa said, exasperated, putting distance between them.

Heather sighed. "Ok. Sorry. So that day after lunch Valerie said some things which got me thinking. I hadn't thought of the role I play in Jules's life. By being with you, I am also a part of her life. And I just thought about you and me and not her."

"But, you're so good with her," Vanessa said.

"Yes, the little things. But I don't think about how she's going to get to school, who is going to help her with homework and who is going to take her to the doctor."

"Joe and I have got that covered. And..." Vanessa hesitated before continuing. "And if you want to, you can always pitch in. But it's not something that is expected of you."

"Vanessa, it's not that simple. I can't just be around her and not be there like you are!' Heather exclaimed. "I've been such a... I don't know. So useless. You do so much!"

"Of course I do. I have been for 5 years now. I'm her mum!"

"Yes, but what if I can't be a mum to her?"

"Honey," Vanessa said, "She already has a mum. You don't have to be a mum to her!"

Heather smiled. Vanessa called her honey. "That's what my mum said," Heather whispered. "Then what am I?"

"You're, Heather!" Vanessa said, pulling her close. "You're her mum's... girlfriend," she said. "And you spend time with her, help her with craft sometimes, read her bedtime stories every night, make her Nutella waffles and just make her happy."

Heather grinned despite herself. "Is that good enough?"

"Honey, no one can do it better. She likes you. You think I would let someone practically live in my house if I was unsure about how they were with Jules?"

Heather looked at her bashfully.

"Jules is my life. She will always come first. Always. And I know you know that. And I know you will never expect anything different from me."

"Of course not," Heather said. "She has to come first."

Vanessa nodded, "She fell asleep against you the first day you came over. Remember?"

Heather nodded.

"And she scolded me for wearing you out. She said 'you shouldn't wear out people you love'."

Heather laughed.

"She hired you!"

Heather looked at Vanessa, her heart brimming.

"And she wants bedtime with you every night."

By this time Heather was sniffling so Vanessa gave her a tight hug and said, "And that's why, Heather, you have the privilege of being in our lives. Because she in her own way approved. And I love you even more for it."

Heather bawled against Vanessa's neck, holding her tight. "I'm so sorry," she said as Vanessa calmed her. After she'd quieted down, she asked, "Vanessa? What if we break up? It'll be hard on Jules."

"Yes, it will be."

"Aren't you worried about that?"

Vanessa was quiet for a second. "Hon, that's like saying I shouldn't let her fall in love because she may get her heart broken."

Heather looked at Vanessa and frowned. "Why can't I think like that?"

"Because you're not a mother."

Heather shrugged. "Was it bad? These 2 weeks?"

"She asked about you. A lot."

Heather sniffled. "Did you give her my note? I left my number for her."

Again the look of pain crossed Vanessa's face. "No honey, I didn't give her the note."

"Oh."

Vanessa sighed. "In the note you promised you'd be back soon. I didn't want her to be let down in case you decided otherwise."

"What? I was always going to come back! I mean I never thought of not..."

"But I didn't know that love. You took off," Vanessa said softy. "And I thought you were having second thoughts, about us. About being with a woman. You said you weren't sure you could do this."

Heather groaned. "I meant I wasn't sure I could be a mum."

Vanessa nodded, evidently still upset.

Heather was quiet for a minute, wrapping her head around what had happened. "Vanessa, you thought I changed my mind. And that I wasn't sure about...us, about being with you. And you still came here?"

Vanessa nodded.

"Why?"

"Because I had promised I'll be a friend. No matter how hard it was."

"So you came here thinking I'm breaking up with you. And you gave me a hug and held my hand and comforted me?"

"It was hard. I wanted to scream when you tried to kiss me."

Heather looked at Vanessa, "You, I... I don't know how you do it." She shook her head, wiping fresh tears. "I don't deserve you. What are you made of?" She shook her head. "Vanessa," she said softly, "Look at me."

Vanessa looked up and it broke Heather's heart. The hurt, the anger, the disappointment all shone through.

Heather knelt in front of her and took her hands. "I am truly sorry. I know, I can see how much I hurt you. And I am sorry I caused you pain for a moment of weakness and self-doubt. I promise, I will never shut you out. Ever again. I will try my best to never be the cause of your grief."

She could see Vanessa lower her walls. She could see her eyes well and her posture slacken. Heather moved up and kissed her as tenderly and lovingly as she could. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I promise I will make it up to you," she said, stroking Vanessa's cheek, brushing her tears away.

They sat holding each other for some time before Vanessa spoke.

"I was angry," she said. "I was angry because I was angry." She shook her head. "And Jules came back the next day and asked about you. She saw us kiss you know."

"What?"

Vanessa nodded. "That night after you put her to bed. We kissed, we were crying. She saw."

"After dinner at Val's?" Heather asked.

"Yea."

"Shit."

"No, it's not a bad thing. It was just a difficult time to answer her questions."

"Was she, was she okay with the idea? What did she say?" Heather asked softly.

Vanessa chuckled. "First she asked me where you were and I told her you had to go home to be with family for some time. And then she asked me if that's why I was sad," Vanessa said. "And I told her, yes. I was sad because I missed you." Vanessa paused and looked at Heather. "She asked why you hadn't said goodbye to her. So I told her you had to leave suddenly and that you told me to let her know how much you'd miss her."

Heather looked at Vanessa, pained.

Vanessa continued. "When she asked me when you were coming back, I said I don't know. Hopefully soon. And then she asked if we had had a fight. And I lied. I told her no, you just had to go be with family." Vanessa was quiet for a bit. "Then, with this very serious expression she asked, 'Mum, are you and Heather girlfriends?' I had like 3 seconds to answer that question. So I told her yes. And you should have seen the smile on her face Heather. It broke me to a million pieces. It made her so happy to know that we were together and here I was telling her that not knowing if you were coming back." She looked at Heather, her look defiant as tears rolled down her cheeks. "It made me angry that I was in that situation," she said bitterly. After some time she continued. "And then she said she saw us kiss the previous night and I asked her if that was ok. You know what she said? She said, 'Of course it is mum. All mums should have someone to kiss. You and dad used to kiss all the time before you got separated. It's good that you have someone to kiss again.' And then, she added, 'Maybe I can ask dad to get someone to kiss too. I'll talk to him tomorrow.' And mind you, all this with the most serious expression you've ever seen on Jules' face."

Heather didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry. She just made this choking sound before wrapping her arms around Vanessa. "I can't believe I put you in that situation."

"It wasn't easy," she sighed.

"I'm sorry," Heather whispered in her ear and Vanessa gave her a squeeze.

"Heather," Vanessa said softly, her tone serious. "If there's something on your mind I need you to talk to me. I don't care what it is. You can't just...you can't just run away. This...this doesn't work."

"I know. I promise," she said. "I promise I'll talk to you. I won't do this to you... to us, again," she said in all sincerity.

Vanessa nodded. She sighed and pressed her fingers to her temples before sinking further into the sofa.

"You look exhausted. Did you sleep at all?"

"Not much," Vanessa shrugged.

"C'mon, let me take you upstairs," Heather said.

Vanessa looked unsure before agreeing. Heather led Vanessa upstairs to her room.

"It's nothing fancy," she said. "I've never really lived here. Mum and dad moved here not too long ago."

Vanessa nodded looking around. Heather's suitcase was on the floor, clothes spilling out of it. Her laptop was on the bed which had evidently not been made in a few days. Things were scattered on the small desk.

"Sorry, it's a mess. Didn't think of cleaning up."

"It's not like you to let things go like this," Vanessa said, stepping closer, her eyes blazing.

Heather swallowed. "I've, uh, I've not really been myself these last 2 weeks."

"Have you really been hiding out here?" she asked finding a half-eaten packet of crisps on the chair.

"Pretty much. I mean I go down for meals and the bathroom is outside. So, well. That."

Vanessa looked at her disapprovingly.

"Oh c'mon!" Heather said. "That's the look mum gives me."

Vanessa chuckled. "So this is a single bed."

"Yea, you can umm, have it. Or there's the guest room."

"Heather, I didn't come here to sleep," she said.

"Yes, I mean, I know. Just that you look so tired."

"Heather, shhh," Vanessa said stepping forward and placing her finger against Heather's lips. "Shhh."

Heather's breath caught in her throat as Vanessa's lips replaced her finger. She stood still as Vanessa brushed her lips against hers. A whimper escaped her as Vanessa traced her lips with her tongue before parting them slightly and kissing her on her mouth. Heather pressed in, trying to deepen the kiss but Vanessa pulled back.

She shook her head. "You don't get to do that," she whispered, the hoarseness in her voice sending a chill down Heather's neck.

She cleared her throat, "I don't?"

"No," Vanessa whispered, kissing Heather's mouth. Again her tongue traced her lower lip, teasing Heather and the second Heather started responding to the kiss she pulled away.

"Why?" Heather asked, surprised at how her voice sounded. She knew she was dripping. She could feel a throb in her pussy and her heart was pounding.

"Because I need to have my way." Vanessa whispered, her voice bordering on menacing.

And to Heather's surprise all she wanted to do was yield, to surrender to anything Vanessa had in mind. She wordlessly nodded, swallowing, her throat dry, the hairs on the back of her neck standing. Vanessa continued to kiss her lips, her hands not touching Heather.

Heather closed her eyes, moaning into the soft kisses. At some point instinct took over and her tongue flicked out to meet Vanessa's.

"Heather," Vanessa whispered, warningly before Heather even realized what she'd done.

"How the fuck am I not supposed to kiss you back?" Heather muttered.

"By staying still," Vanessa said.

"But, you've been teasing me for so long!"

Vanessa stepped back. "I have, haven't I?" she said, her voice calm.

Heather nodded.

"Maybe I should stop."

"What?"

"I'll stop. Let's get something to eat," Vanessa said.

"Wait, but..."

"But?" Vanessa eyes bore into hers and Heather looked away, blushing. "You're wet, aren't you?"

Heather felt her face heat up. God she must look like a fucking beetroot, she thought squirming.

Vanessa took a step towards her, "You like it when I'm in charge, no? When I'm the boss?"

Heather was so turned on, she almost panicked.

"Don't be shy, love." When Heather didn't respond, Vanessa whispered, "Maybe I should check for myself." She put her hands down Heather's shorts and cupped her mound.

"Vanessa! Fuck! What are you, ahhh, ungh god!"

"Slick. You're dripping," she said rubbing her fingers across Heather's clit a few times before withdrawing her hand.

"Ungh fuck," Heather exclaimed, moving against Vanessa's fingers despite herself, shocked at what was happening. She looked searchingly into Vanessa's eyes, who without breaking contact, brought both fingers to her lips and licked them clean. Heather moaned, again wondering what had come over her. God this scared her.

Vanessa must have seen a flicker of fear because she instantly softened. "Shit," she whispered, turning away for a second. "I'm sorry."

"No," Heather croaked. "Don't stop."

Vanessa turned around. "I'm scaring you."

"I'm not scared." Heather said, taking a step towards Vanessa. "I know you would never hurt me."

"Never," Vanessa whispered. "But...I really want to... to have my way with you."

"And what is it you want to do to me?" Heather asked, defiantly.

Vanessa raised her eyebrows at the challenge in Heather's voice before she backed Heather against a wall and pressed against her. "I want to kiss you, softly. I want to lick your lips," she whispered in her ear.

Heather was panting. All Vanessa was doing was leaning into her, her lips inches from her ear.

Vanessa continued, "I hate that you're wearing a bra." She reached behind and with one hand unclasped it effortlessly. "I want to leave little bit marks along your neck and little kisses along your collarbone," she breathed, freeing one strap from under Heather's sleeve. "I want to tease those lovely breasts, suck on them till your nipples are hard like rock. I want to feel them against my tongue, against my lips. I want to feed on them," she groaned against Heather's ear, making her whimper

"And you know the best part?"

"No," Heather whispered, as Vanessa freed her other strap before pulling her bra out from under her t-shirt.

Vanessa let the bra fall to the floor. "The best part is that you don't get to move during all of this. You can just lie in bed and moan and writhe."

"Oh."

"Yes, love. No kissing me back, no holding me, no touching."

"Fuck, Vanessa," Heather moaned. "You're gonna drive me crazy."

"Just want to love you, honey," Vanessa whispered, kissing Heather, her protest caught in her throat.

Heather kissed her back, unable to stop herself, a wrangled cry escaped her when Vanessa pulled away. She looked at Heather, her eyes blazing and Heather looked back apologetically and to her surprise Vanessa broke into a grin.

"You're hopeless at following instructions," she laughed, pulling Heather into a hug.

Heather was flummoxed for a second, before she melted into Vanessa. "It's hard," she muttered, "You're the best kisser I've ever kissed. Impossible to not kiss you back."

"Good," Vanessa whispered, "I'm glad."

Vanessa led them to the bed, "You think we'll fit?"

"If I lie on top of you, maybe," Heather whispered. "Maybe we should take our clothes off."

Vanessa chuckled. "Mmm, I think that will help," she said, removing Heather's t-shirt.

Once they were naked Heather whispered, "You're so beautiful. I've missed you." She kissed Vanessa, her hands settling on her hips.

"I've missed you too," Vanessa whispered, drawing her in.

Heather moaned at the feel of Vanessa's body against hers. "God you feel so good," she whispered kissing the skin of her shoulders. "Come to bed."

Heather and Vanessa barely fit on the small bed. They lay facing each other, kissing, hands roving.

"So, should we try it again?" Heather asked, breathless.

"Try what?" Vanessa said, her tongue flicking an earlobe.

"You having your way with me."

Vanessa stopped, and looked at Heather. "Really?"

Heather blushed, "I can try. I mean, I will kiss you back when you kiss me. But... I can try the no touching and moving bit."

Heather saw the fire in Vanessa's eyes. Oh god, this was going to kill her. She swallowed.

"Heather," Vanessa said, her voice hoarse. "We don't have to."

Heather shook her head. "No, please. I want you to, no. I need you to be in control."

Vanessa's eyes became even darker, like there was a fire burning in their depths. "Heather."

"I mean it," she said. "Please."

Vanessa straddled Heather's torso and looked deep into her eyes. "All you have to do is ask me to stop. Okay?"

Heather nodded.

Vanessa traced a finger along her jaw. "I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," Heather croaked.

Vanessa pinned Heather's arms to the bed before she lowered down to kiss Heather. Her weight held Heather's body down. Despite her aggression, she kissed Heather gently, drawing a moan from her. She made Heather tuck her hands under the pillow she was resting her head on.

"I don't want to see those hands for the next couple of hours," she instructed.

"What? Hours? Oh god Vanessa!"

Vanessa chuckled. "Bet you'll love it."

"I'm going to die, aren't I?"

Again Vanessa chuckled. "We'll see."

She spent agonizingly long minutes on Heather's neck, nipping the sensitive skin. She licked and sucked on her earlobes, drew rude expletives from Heather when she waggled her tongue on her exposed arm-pit.