All Comments on 'Charade Ch. 01'

Blue, this is good story so far. I am wondering where you are going to take it. From your opening, I'm sure there are some more twists to the story coming as we are still in rememberance mode.

Kim is a pretty complex character so far. You portray her on one level as wanting to make it on her own, but at the same time she is spoiled. She has an air of entitlement about her. She assumes that she deserves whatever she wants. This seems to be the basis for her problems.

I do have one nit to pick. When you are writing a rememberance sequence like this, try to keep in mind the era that you are writing. Some of the details you gave at the beginning were anachronisms. For example, your throw away line about his buying a used computer when he went to school right aftter getting home from Vietnam. There were no used computers in the early seventies. He would have been lucky if he could have gotten a calculator that did morew than the basic functions. It's a small point, but its worth remembering.

Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter.

Hi Blue,

I think the story is very good. I can't wait to see the conclusion.

I only have one issue I would like to bring to your attention. It seems to me like we jumped from "We're going to be parents" to "I'll be out of here as soon as I pack a few things" in a heartbeat. Oh my, there is so much you could have done with that time span. Where is the revelation to Kim that the baby couldn't be his because he is impotent? Where is the revelation to Kim that he has known about the affair for a long time? Where is the revelation that he has known that her "project" had been over for weeks? Oh there was so much you missed with that jump that would have been so so good...

If chapter 2 isn't done yet, I suggest you figure out a way to incorporate some of those thoughts. If it is done, I hope it will fill some holes.

Thank you for your effort. I am truly looking forward to the conclusion.

Charleybear

I agree with Charleybear, however, about the jump from "your going to be a father " to "I'll pack a few things and be gone". I've never seen a character realize or admit that the game was up that quickly. There is no indication she even suspects it's impossible for him to father a child. It's also a little strange that he never told her--it's generally healthier for a woman not to take the pill if it's unnecessary--there are risks and side effects to any hormone therapy that most couples would avoid if they could.

It feels like you left out a paragraph where she tells him she is pregnant. Did I miss where he told her he was sterile.

Otherwise a very romantic tragedy

Thankyou

in your corner this time. that jump referred to in the other comments is so natural and understood it needs no explaining.

Kim realizes they haven’t made love in weeks, she knows who the father is, and she doesn’t have to know at this point that jerry is sterile.

His action of leaving tells her the game is up; he knows she had to be cheating and that the baby can’t be his.

Capecodmercury had a good catch on the computers but as he said, it is a small point in a very good story.

Charleybear is correct about all that could have been done in that closing sequence. Although he is correct, I personally liked the concise ending; you had already covered all that needed to be said.

Everything between them was now understood by both, if the reader didn’t understand, then they weren’t paying attention.

Librarian Jim is also correct about the birth control pills. I along with Librarian Jim caught the birth control pill issue and the lack of trust in him not telling her up front about his condition.

Realizing the silence was an integral part to working the plot to the story, it was understandable that he wouldn’t disclose that piece of information.

There is another possible reason also, selfishness, he didn’t want to take the chance of losing her. I speak from experience on that statement, only reversed.

In my early years, I found myself falling away from a very lovely girl when she confessed she might not be able to have children. It shocked me that I was so shallow but couldn’t stop the reversal of my feelings towards her. Ironically she married and had two beautiful children. I accept that is the way it was meant to be.

So far, I think this is one of your best starts and could end up being one of your best if not the best story you have written to date. With great enthusiasm I am looking forward to the next chapter.

You’ve developed both of the main characters very well and with great human insight. The story has a great balance, maybe just a tad too much info at the beginning, but picked up steam and was soaring at the ending.

A fan always.

she new her goose was cook,once he said what he said.her mind went blank when she told him he was going to be a father,because guilt overcame her.plus she has not slept with her husband far a while.good job keep writing your stories your way.so writers don't have any balls now i don't know why,but they are chicken.why write a story with no consequences and someone just fucks over people.no common sense.thank for showing someone has some balls.

Am looking forward to Chapter 2 and what you can say about this disturbing scenario. I believe that you are hell-bent on crucifying this woman because you have not told her the truth of your own condition. As a holder of a low-sperm-count cock, I am envious of any guy that is married to a beauty who goes out and cuckholds him and gets pregnant and I would gladly be the legal father of such a baby, just to be able to raise a son or daughter, and any other siblings my wife created for them.

In my book you are one sad, sick son-of-a-bitch!

have a request. Could you not use some flimsy argument to bring them back together. I know if my wife had told me she was pregnant and I couldn't get her that way, I would begin my life over and not dwell on her breaking up the marriage. It was no mistake, that's what happens when a person fucks around. Sometime they have to pay the piper.

Flawless, exciting, original, gripping...until that missing couple of paragraphs after she told him he was going to be a daddy. The leap from there to his saying he was packing his bag is, literally, unbelievable. After reading it twice (I thought I had missed a sentence or two) I knew what had happened, but I also hoped a couple of paragraphs had been dropped in the editing. Considering all the clever dialog in the rest of the story, the dialog at that point just did not fit.

Also, in my view, with a serial story it is poor form not to provide a bridge between the opening scene (he's a millionaire) and the end of the first Chapter (he's struggling in his career). Sure, your readers can imagine all sorts of scenarios how he gets from one to the other, but the reader, in this case while waiting for Chapter 2, should be left to concentrate his imagination only on what the husband and wife will do about their marriage.

It will be interesting to see what develops.

Flawless, exciting, original, gripping...until that missing couple of paragraphs after she told him he was going to be a daddy. The leap from there to his saying he was packing his bag is, literally, unbelievable. After reading it twice (I thought I had missed a sentence or two) I knew what had happened, but I also hoped a couple of paragraphs had been dropped in the editing. Considering all the clever dialog in the rest of the story, the dialog at that point just did not fit.

Also, in my view, with a serial story it is poor form not to provide a bridge between the opening scene (he's a millionaire) and the end of the first Chapter (he's struggling in his career). Sure, your readers can imagine all sorts of scenarios how he gets from one to the other, but the reader, in this case while waiting for Chapter 2, should be left to concentrate his imagination only on what the husband and wife will do about their marriage.

It will be interesting to see what develops.

Very good beginning. It's hard to tell how you will end this one based on your past stories.

Boyd

he gets his new job and becomes rich beyond his wildest dreams ... so now rub it in her face ...buy all that you ever wanted ..that boat... great house ...find that beauty queen and just fuck the rest of your life ....oh well untill you cant fuck any more

Outstanding! As for the post calling you a sad sick sob..... well the rest of the post was a true revealing of who is a ss sob! Imagine..... a man who would be glad that his beautiful wife betrayed him, made him a cuckold, saddled him with another mans bastard. Especially a sad, sick, sob like this Paul character is portrayed to be. Don't pay attention to the wimp mens posts, afterall if the husband isn't a weak pathetic wienie, they don't like the stories. I hope this man finds a new life and a love he deserves in the next chapter(s). Superb story.

Tim C.

I just want to see where it goes.

I've read many stories on the Lit and have read many of his comments also. I've long since dismissed him as a "dickless wonder" but now he's also confirmed he's the "ball-less wonder of the world" as well! Hey Don, do us all a big favor and go under the knife to do that transgender thing so that you can voice your future opinions as Donna! Hopefully your pitch will be so high we can't hear you anymore! LMFAO!

As to the story...I found it good (used computers in 1970 aside?) and look forward to your next chapter!

and thankyou for telling us it was only the start.

Many other authors don't have that courtesy.

It hit me right away that not telling her he was sterile is endangering her health taking birth control pills along with the fact that when a woman finds out she won’t be getting pregnant because the husband is sterile for what ever reason, heightens most women’s pleasure of sex as that is one worry she no longer has and can relax even more making love. Of course it was necessary to make the pregnancy dramatic.

When she told him she was pregnant she didn’t say she was two weeks or two months along. This jump in assumptions she new she was caught is definitely not really explained by an excuse not carried in the story.

Everything points to him eventually, maybe its years later, take her back as he let’s her run the show except for the apartment. He keeps all his thoughts to himself and suffers. He come across as totally nonconfrontational and weak, even though for some reason he is a trained ranger as sadly all the heroes in these stories lately are now portrayed.

Now she has done the ultimate betrayal by getting pregnant by another man. There is no worse betrayal of a marriage. To forgive this will have to be some real twist like he wasn’t really totally sterile or some other thing I’m not smart enough to think of.

Now that I put my unasked for two cents I’ll shut up and wait for the next chapter.

You did a great job of writing this story and I’m looking forward to the next chapter and see what you have planned.

And good writing. I think the reason he will be between the devil and the deep blue sea is her father is going to offer him a major share of the company to stay married. Remember the 24 million?

Now just how does he decide.

Assuming his morals and independant nature are intact he will turn it down and dash to California!!

Blue,

Nothing unusual about this story, it is very good as is normal with your stories. I look forward to reading the following chapters.

As always, I enjoy reading your work and this piece has certainly caught my attention so far.

Like so many others, I am anxiously waiting for the next installment. Please don't keep us waiting too long.

And remember that the sterile figure in this story has never confirmed this fact, and give the man a child, that he doesnt get to embrace until years later....

Thanks for another great story, or story start, by Blue88. As soon as I see your name , I know the story will be well done, My question to you and most other good writers is , Why are the communications always non existent between spouses in these stories. He never mentioned that he was sterile. why? He never mentioned that he knew book had finished weeks ago. why? He allowed her to keep taking birth control pills and getting mislead about their effectiveness. Why?He never warned her about predator author .why? He never gave her ultimatum about affair.why? Well, you get the idea.Maybe that's the point you're trying to make.Continue your great stories ,please. 60 year old Georg

You're one of the best on the cheating wife stories. looking forward to part 2.

DG Hear

He is a liar for not telling his cheating slut wife about his inability to father a child. She is lower than scum. A truly loving couple.

I did think that the story was fairly well written.

Blue:

But then most cheating partner stories aren't. The errors have been caught by those who pay attention to detail, so why bother commenting further. As a read, no matter how dark, I enjoyed it. I witheld my comment until I could read ch. 02 'cause I wanted to know where it was destined to go. I'm sufficiently satisfied that I reread ch. 01 to get back up to speed. Thank You. Ronnie W.

birth control pills. NO loving man would subject his spouse to unjustified risks. The scenario was too contrived.

on this story. I'd say this is my third read (not much good stuff to read lately).

<p>

I thought you did a great job of showing his emotions and feelings. All and all a great start for the story.

<p>

Regards, Jack

Nice writing job... I wonder what came after.

He was an idiot who done nothing while she ran around a waste of ink that what this story is,in the next chapter he probally get back with her.

I have reread this story numerous times, as I enjoy many of Blue88's stories. In the pregnancy announcement scene, I can never quite figure out how the wife realizes so quickly that the husband is onto her when he doesn't say anything and she doesn't know about his fertility issues. I keep thinking I am missing something (and probably am) but it really leaves a hole for me.

How did she suddenly understand that he was sterile? He never told her

Where do authors get the idea that sticking in little teasers add interest to the story?

This is only an added detraction to the serious holes in the story; the lack honesty on both sides being the major problem.

She didn't necessarily know he was sterile, she just knew that he KNEW.

is goodbye and off to the attorneys. TK U MLJ LV NV

Really an extremely well done chapter. I am sorry that Blue no longer entertains us..

Two nits, one with her taking on her apparently shy boy friend the way she did. Ok, she wants him and wants to keep him but do you really think that deep-throating him on first contact in the bedroom is a bit risky? I know that I would have broken up the next day, ,,, I hope! The second point is that this is in the seventies and I remember quite clearly that at that time no one paid any attention to the possible side effect of birth control pills, at that time there would have been no reason for him to tell her about his problem.

Well-developed characters & story. The characterization of the working wife was spot-on. Women who have professional success have no idea how to also commit to a relationship. Sad but true.

Good Job.

especially if its half of the couple, TK U MLJ LV NV

It will be interesting to see how you run with this one -

Another story where the woman needed to grow up but waited too long to do it -

Well written. Female character is a real low life. Male character is a bit of a wimp.

Just well done. B88 you really got the goods. It's a plasure to read your story. The story line builds well, with tension. The characters are totally believable and well crafted. Your prose is catavating and makes me want to turn the page. Thanks 5x5

What a stupid woman. Cheating and telling her sterile husband she is pregnant. Ch.2 should be interesting.

She walked in as he was on his computer? In the post-Vietnam era?

A great beginning. Five stars.

Good story. So excited to read the next chapter.

I really liked this story. On my way to the conclusion.....

When she CLAIMS to be tied up with Lavelle, moments after the exec tells him that the Lavelle thing is over, and he says NOTHING?!

Then she blows off their anniversary (assuming she hasn't forgotten it completely!) for the same reason, and he still says NOTHING?!

What proof does he need, dump the slut!

He already knew enough.

She was cheating, so why bother making her quit?

The marriage was over to him, no point stopping her after the fact.

Some women use birth control pills to regulate their cycle, being with a sterile man or not.

Funny, how after the way she went off on him for assuming that she was a pretentious status snob that is what she turned out to be.

a ranger always scout ahead and behind. TK U MLJ LV NV

I was hoping the outing would occur in chapter 2, in front of her parents. Oh no!!! The author has listed "reconciliation" as a tag. Authors and editors: Use tags only in the chapters in which those tags occur. I didn't look at these tags until I started typing this comment. The surprise is now ruined for me. Should have definitely used "cheating wife."

wimpy shit. no revenge. no nothing. the guy is a pussy. don't bother with second chapter, people.

Ignore the pathetic Anons who want BTB.

Well written and constructed. These Anon critics are clearly illiterate as well as stupid and bitter people.

Yeah, Blue88 is pretty fag. Thanks for the remainder, bonnie/vastie.

Your comments (even as anon) alwasy point at the right places where to drop the 1* bombs.

He was in the Vietnam war got out during the war and started college. He got a stufio apartment and had his own computer. His own computer? seriously?

Why in the Hell do you feel another chapter is needed? A chance for reconciliation? Or to bring Lavell down?

Still five stars. Still a favorite. Still love it.

No need to ask questions. This author typically makes raac seem plausible-even when it is not

Had to know of Paul's serial seductions and msrriages he destroyed. Had to know he would seduce Kim and use publisher's apartment but pimped her out anyway.

In our litigious society a nice messy public lawsuit would be coming.

If I was husband, would not settle out of court but make it as public and extended as possible.

Somewhere, few years down the road, after suit was over, lavell would be levelled with cops looking at husbands of his latest conquests. Me, I would be feeding his privates to the dogs at the pound.

Actually he would have been kept away from my wife. I am the epitome of proactive. I know how attractive my wife is and am not a fool. I follow the REAGEN DOCTRINE.

I make my presence known at wife's work and social gatherings. When we first became exclusive one of her former boyfriends was not pleased. Her company had an awards banquet and he was there. I quietly goaded him into throwing a few punches...five minutes later his face was destroyed and his arm broken. I used phone to video him laying on floor waiting for paramedics. Over the years more than one lothario was given a private viewing.

As for my wife...their are two women she absolutely despises. Both have made it known they are available to me.

I assured my wife I have no intent on bedding them, but if she ever encourage another man or give in to his attentions, she will come home to find me with both of them...their nude bodies first thing she sees when opening door to our house.

I abide by Golden Rule until other person crosses the line. Then the Law of Reciprocity rules.

Bernie, oh Bernie. Aren't you glad that we're not in a story that's written by someone totally incompetent, so that our dialogue isn't so stilted and unnatural? If our relationship is such that you'd feel natural manipulating me, and pushing your nose into my business, of course there is no earthly reason, outside a writer's incompetence, why I couldn't let you know what's going on. Not that it would make much sense, since I'm not totally braindead, I don't continue associating with the relatives and friends of people who have shown themselves to be my enemies, like a character written by someone who's mostly interacted with their fellow mental patients.

You guys are truly assholes. I guess your husband's have figured it out. Is your dick that small you have e to insult others?

Not much to go with, typical "class difference" stuff without much else, meager plot with small number of characters, wimpish behavior of the main hero. Since Blue88 has all of his characters more or less wimps to a varying degree there is really nothing new but it is better than his "regular" weak story. I have no idea why he needs the Chapter 2 but I will read it to find out.

2 stars from me.

I wonder why his sterility was never mentioned, and why she confessed and broke down so easily? She still didn't know he was sterile, right? If she was unaware, then why didn't she erupt when he said he was leaving? Women don't necessarily know they're pregnant in just a few weeks, it's usually around the second month they'll go take the test. So, if she's a couple of months pregnant, it could still have been his baby... except for him being sterile... of which she's not supposed to be aware.

I was expecting more confrontation; righteous indignation on her part because it would look like he's running away from his baby. Then, maybe in front of her parents, explaining about the scars on his body... and quietly drop the sterility bomb... and walking off into the sunset with nary a backward glance; leaving the weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth in his wake.

Oh well, still a good story although he's obviously going to reconcile in part two. Good luck with that; selling a reconciliation to the readers is, at best, difficult. The first part of the story makes us dislike the cheating wife, the second part is supposed to make us like her again, in preparation for the reconciliation. Very difficult.

Where lavell kept looking at me and then possessively put his arm around my wife...wouodve been the last time. Either broken arm, or broken job...my wife woupdnt be there anymore...or divorce at that time.

Your storyline: disabled vet back from Vietnam and heading to college on the GI Bill in a small apartment with a used computer. Direct military involvement in Vietnam ended in 1973 and Saigon fell in '75. The first personal computer that you could use to edit and write papers would (charitably) be the Apple // or the Radio Shack TRS-80, both of which were introduced in 1977. Furthermore, the World Wide Web, which enabled the information search and sharing that made a PC a requirement in college grew up during the '90's so your timeline doesn't work. There are other problems but the whole story is broken at the beginning. And yes, I know what I'm talking about; Nam '66-'67 and first computer a Lobo Max-80, 1982.

Surprised given the army training that Jerry left Lavell unscathed, especially since in chapter two, he does go after his girlfriend''s ex?

Ben too.

A lot of work with too little research. Don’t write about what you don’t know, and if you write about something you know about, edit your work! Yourself, then with a competent editor. The flow in several places is off, but none more than when she is excited about getting preggers! Clear Hubby never told Sweetie about the consequences of his injuries ... assume she saw the scars on his back.

Know a few most secure group you want to know

Skipped over timelines of computers etc

Writer liberty read a lot of sci-fi

3 stars as you wrote and put yourself out there

And his orchestra at the Miller Auditorium at Western Michigan around 1982. I knew before then and cofirmed it that night if good music was going to be written or orchestrated Mancini was going to be at the top of the list. Pink Panther, Peter Gunn, Mr. Lucky, the list just goes on... Thank you for those memories. Should have broken his wrist the first time Lavelle put his hands on your wife at the party. But I'd make up for it a bit when I made damned sure everyone knew about the bastard child on my was to California. Signed: BTW

Good story, but wimped out on the ending. I hate it when the husband just slinks off and leaves the cheating wife and lover unscathed. Rangers lead the eay, they don't run away.

Wouldn't you normally end the story at this point....

Husband is a liar the way he acted towards the bull he was not in the AIRborne he’s such a wimp he was actually in the gay brigade

Never marry the rich without a pre-nup!!!

This story is so typical of this writer. Jerry starts out as an army Ranger with 18 months combat experience in Vietnam. Her returns to civilian life, goes to college, meets his wife to be and within a few years she cheats on him. Then this used to be macho Ranger turns into an indecisive, what did I do wrong, can't pull the trigger wimp until his slut wife tells him she's pregnant and he knows it's not his. Then he just walks out and runs away.

Ugh!

I expect that in The next chapter he becomes even more of a wimp and gets back with her even though she has another man's child

It’s just after the Vietnam War, and he has a computer? And it fits in a small apartment?

Hahahaha!

Still don’t care for the ending. It’s not as bad as others seem to think.

Sucks! Need some payback on the cheaters!

Wait! The tag on this story is reconciliation? How? Her betrayal is quite extended and she lied meticulously and she got pregnant from the uptight asshole. Huh? I like a reconciliation as much as the next guy, but whaaaat?

This should not.be tagged as reconciliation.

As most stories on this site

Very strong powerful story, one of your best so far. The characters are well defined, the emotions are palpable and this seemed real. Well done.