All Comments on 'Checked Out'

If you want to be taken seriously with your story then you need to avoid writing nonsense like this:

***arrest warrant was put out for Annie based on mental cruelty to a person with a disability***

Yup, police has nothing better to do than this. You could have done some better effort as in "Arthur" falling physically hurting himself. That could have made at least a plausible cause for arrest and not for "mental cruelty" nonsense.

Then stuff like this:

***The psychologist mentioned. "In a lot of ways, the mind is still poorly understood. However, if something like this has happened before, it does make sense it could happen again."***

I guess this would be a job for psychiatrist not psychologist and hopefully he would be better educated than talking general nonsense you wrote.

Your whole idea is a sort of really weak, with built-in rebound "Tina" and trolling for affable effect with a perfect daddy "Arthur". The stuff with baddie "Paul" is also so predictable and really a cheap vehicle. That kind of cheap stuff weakens the whole story into a two-dimensional black and white banality. I know this is how most of the LW stories are written but this story is still very weak and full of stereotypes.

Lousy.

Another fucking Disney story for guys: godDAMMIT I hate this bullshit.

The wicked ex wife gets shit on by the universe and the hapless Prince Charming gets the perfect girl, the perfect job and the perfect revenge and perfect lawyer and perfect judge and perfect children.

Fuck this. Fuck you and fuck the horse you rode in on.

**** Good read interesting storyline. Thanks for sharing.

Here's where she meets Prince Charming

But she won't discover that it's (not) him 'til chapter three!

I liked reconciliation. But really it takes a special person to reconcile given what was done.

I'd give Arthur a coffee not a beer.

But I couldn't do what Arthur did, forgiving and taking her back as a family friend.

What Anne did, if it was to me, would receive a civil but very cold nod every time we accidentally meet.

Gentle and kind people such as Arthur do exists.

The story was ok for me.

Perhaps because I've read so many stories on this site, I'm judging this one unfairly, but it seems like a check all of the boxes story:

1 - Wife surprises husband with one-sided divorce petition;

2 - Wife treats husband unfairly, abandons him in his need;

3 - Kids and all friends hate wife;

4 - Husband winds up with better, hotter woman;

5 - Now ex-wife has gone to seed, and abandoned by her 'soul mate'

6 - Now ex-wife financially crippled, after 'soul mate' steals her money.

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Nevertheless, the story could have been saved except for one thing: it was emotionally flat. I didn't feel any sympathy for Arthur, and even though we were told that Sally lost all love and respect for her mother, I didn't feel that, either.

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One other criticism: "Other" is a rather unusual last name, yet you have used it twice in two recent stories. An author could get away with doing that with Smith or Jones, but it's kind of jarring with a last name as unusual as Other.

It was a good story until he forgave her at the end.

Her life turned to shit because she was a naive moron who let herself be seduced by a predator, but she did nothing to atone for her betrayal and earn any forgiveness.

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Annie abandoned her husband when he was in a catatonic state that could've easily been caused by a stroke. She hit him, then walked out and left him to die. When the husband saw that she was now miserable and alone, he should've laughed in her face. That's what the bitch truly deserved.

The daughter had bigger balls that Arthur

Not a bad story more of a cautionary tale of don't trust something or someone that sounds too good. But the good guy won in the end thanks for thd story.

"Mr Whoref, slutray phasers on maximum."

"Aye captain"

"Fire!"

Pew Pew

"Direct hit."

Fight the urge to get other stories out of your head before you finish your multi-chapter story. Your readers don’t want to wait more than a few days for the other parts. Trust me. I learned the hard way with some vicious feedback. LOL

I like your stuff. Keep it up.

I don't think you are tough enough for the LW category. This one was too " smaltzy ". I think readers were just being nice.

dark2donut2, does every writer need to remind us that it is their universe so, an 'arrest warrant was put out for Annie based on mental cruelty to a person with a disability' is a possibility. A psychologist can make a diagnosis the same as a psychiatrist

ReedRichards, is it not possible that the story was written emotionally flat for the sole purpose to show how boring his life had been up to that point? If the story had been written with more emotion then the comments would be, why didn't he go after Paul? Had he gone after Paul it would have been, 'Oh like we're suppose to believe he was a Rambo accountant. yes you are right, a check all of the boxes story.

Anonymous, Another fucking Disney story for guys, isn't that why we read these stories?

WetheNorth, All of the stuff about forgiveness from the main character is Lefty BS, the daughter had bigger balls that Arthur. I hope that at some point in your lifetime something happens to you and you are thankful for the people around you that love you, have bigger balls than you.

Other, if you choose to use your last name instead of coming up with something else, so be it.

Five Stars from me.

How are you starting another story when you haven't even finish the story you wrote weeks ago? It's been over 3 weeks of waiting for you to finish your last story sir.

A little pat. Good for someone just starting out. D

Hey boss? What’s with not posting part 2 of ur previous story??? Lost your mojo? Next time don’t start posting part 1 unless u have the story line ready...

Other than maybe wanting a little more detail on how Annie allowed herself to get seduced, the story was rock solid and could have played out in real life. There were areas where the narrative was lacking in emotion. I thought you could have delved deeper into how Tina truly felt about him, but it wasn't completely lacking. It was a stretch for them to go to counseling 5 years after the divorce, maybe a session or two just to help Annie, but not full on as a "couple". Overall, with rounding error I have to give it 5*

Didn't really do Annie justice in this one, she just becomes a punching bag for everyone to wail on. No real reason given for why she'd give up everything for a bogeyman like Paul. In the end, feels a bit like a self-righteous Snow White story for Arthur.

The reversal of the "Sleeping Beauty" idea was clever. Unfortunately, the descent into some of the hoariest LW cliches and legal errors wasn't...hormonal imbalance, counseling, absurd "white knight" chivalry, the smarmy forgiveness trope, the acceptance of the slut on a social level, "child support" and custody for a child who is legally an adult, etc.

The good: lacks most of the usual assaults on English orthography and grammar.

The bad: characters are thin and the plot is saccharine.

If there was any dramatic tension, I must have overlooked it. Sorry.

The author shows the ability to write more than competently. It would be nice to see such skill in service of a more compelling tale.

good story, "Tina and Annie did have some weird friendship that I never understood" yea it happens weirdly enough

While I enjoyed this story very much and after just three stories I believe you may well be a rising star but you do need to finish Double or Nothing. Five stars for this one.

I liked this.

Nicely done! 5 stars.

The good ol' story of the soul mate found after twenty five years of a mistake with the place holder.

This was one of those stories that “feels” better than it really is because it appear at a time when we are getting so much cuck crap and other lame stuff.

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It was hard to identify with any of the players, except maybe Sally….and even with her not knowing her age made that difficult. Yeah..Annie was the latest bitch to overdose on Martian Slut rays….so much so that she actually believed getting obese was something to do for her “soulmate”? Tina was too perfect. Rhonda the same. Arthur tne accountant never had to actually DO anything, did he, as those 2 women ran the ship to get him well…get him divorced….save his assets…and then hook him up with Tina. It was difficult to give a shit about him, really.

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And agree with the always perceptive Powersworder…….what Ms Slut Ray did was SO egregious toward both him AND his daughter that ANY sort of reconciliation with this moral zombie was just flat ill.

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All that said, the writing was better than average, even if tne tale was too blasé. So 3 ***

Interesting way to turn the tables on a wandering wife while getting Arthur realigned with a new wife and life. Too bad Paul didn't go for a walk-about. I understand five of the deadliest reptiles on earth call that part of Australia home. Would avoid prison time.

Never could a real, sensible person ever let this despicable bitch back into their lives. Not a bad story but a touch of true human emotion would have been appreciated. The author hinted at it in the eve of divorce dinner. There would have been total glee in Annie's fall for an honest ex-husband.

I'm sorry no. I believe in forgiveness but this woman left a man for dead! It is not believable that she would be allowed back in his life. And it must also be noted that just because someone is a parent does NOT mean anything they do will be forgiven by their children. I could not see Sally welcoming her mother back. No matter how much time passed. The women's actions literally could have KILLED her father!

An excellent read, thanks for sharing. 5stars

I for one enjoyed the tale. For the most part, it ended with a "Happily Ever After" for all concerned. LP

A really good story

The only thing more satisfying would've been to hurt the lover himself but karma did it for him.

The choice you made to have two first person narrators means that I'm not reading. When I saw "Arthur," as the first word, I knew what was coming. Pick a point of view and stick with it. Didn't read, so no score.

Well written with a pretty average story line. Yes the trance was different, but the magic kiss by Tina was out there.

Loved this. Ex got what she deserved & came to realize just what she lost & why. Good ending too which is sadly lacking in many stories lately.

And I strongly agree with other posts about finishing a story promptly.

I usually go to an author’s page & read all the stories that look interesting & are in the right categories (for me) before moving on. Hundreds read!

Bill S.

Good writing, but a bit of a cliche-fest.....

Another day in LW: Another loving, faithful wife hit with the Martian Slut Ray (Wobbles, take that thing home!), another hot replacement ready and waiting for the perfect and unjustly put-upon husband, another daughter who instantly hates her mother, another brilliant attorney in the family who legally saves the day. Yup, just another day. 3*.

Good story!

5

Good story. The "check out" is an effective device: sort of a usual LW freeze up only to the max. Thank you.

LWlurker

What an odd emotional salad. Too bad the ingredients not only don't mix, but they spoil each other. First off, the Martian Slut Ray plot device is brainless. 25 years of loyal loving faithful wife, then Shazam, she's some asshole's slut? And if he hadn't been a complete greedy abandoning asshole she'd Sill be his slut. So when she expresses regret, its only because her second life changing romance didn't work out as planned. She's not sorry she was a deceitful heartless immoral monster, she's just sorry her fantasy romance failed. And she deserves sympathy and forgiveness, for choosing her new fuck buddy poorly? You insult the concept of compassion and justice.

Then when the bitch comes over to take one more bite out of his cucky doofus ass, he fixes her a special dinner? Does anyone else see why maybe the wife finally wanted to try living with a self-confident strong Man for a change? And no wonder she chose her second man so poorly, the poor bitch had so little experience with being with a real man that she was easily deceived. Pathetic.

Going catatonic was the only smart thing the cheated husband did on his own. The rest of his success in life he owed to women who were smarter and stronger than him. Wonder what the origin of that perspective is, or was it a Freudian slip of the author? Here is a toast to strong intelligent women, who are completely beautiful just by having those attributes. And here's to the Men who recognize and deserve them. That man is not in this story. But thanks for the effort.

@dark2donut2,

You say this story is lousy, yet you have no story or stories to share.

Try writing one of your own and see if it is as easy as calling a story lousy.

Pretty good 4 Stars.

Might have gone 5 stars but the post-marriage counseling was s step too far. Fella owes it too himself and his new wife and family to draw the line somewhere. That was well past the line.

As always, thank you all for the comments. and just to fill in a couple of blanks, this was the first story I wrote, before 'Forced Perspective' or 'Double or Nothing Part 1'. I had thought of rewriting it a couple of times but the story is the story.

As I have previously mentioned, LW is one of my favorite categories due to the emotion that comes with it. This was a way to try and think through a few things that are leading me onto other stories.

Now for those of you asking, Double or Nothing Part 2 is currently in edit, i'm working with a great guy now and i'd like to get as many of the grammar issues as possible out of the way before posting it.

I can also let you know I have finished the draft of 'Double or Nothing Part 3' and i'm over half way through a draft of Part 4. But let me get Part 2 out first ;)

Lastly, i'm getting a few nasty comments about the length of my stories (more to my email than here). Let me just say, I like long stories and I am trying to develop my ability to build characters and situations that i see in my head when I write. So simply put if you don't like long stories or stories in part that have a little time between posting that keep moving.

Thanks Everyone!

The ending totally ruined it. Theres about a one in a million chance of a reconciliation in that marriage. Just the way you wrote her as on over the top totally entitled wife (like everyone does, its like you writers have no idea that a woman can be a bitch without this idiocy thrown in " I will only ask for what is mine as well as some support while Paul waits to marry me."

Again, thats usually a misogynists view of women or a writer hoping to keep the reader pissed at the wife.

I skimmed after that as most generally generally head for the ditch after that type of sentence.

I thought it a great story.up until father and daughter let the evil, cheating bitch ex wife back into their lives. It just strains belief that anyone could be welcomed back after what she had done. You had 2\3 of a great story there, but tried to be too magnanimous in the end and let it slip a bit.

I liked it. I can accept people finding happiness after they ruin their lives and even ruin the lives of others. She suffered, she paid, they grew, and in time she was able to reconnect. Good story.

Very good. I just hope Double or Nothing Part 2 is just as good. (Hint.)

Really stupid story. Tragedy ended up in a fairytale... *

This pretty much checked all the cliche boxes. Come one, people, how about a little originality. If it's not some sick cuckold bs, it's the same old, same old.

An enjoyable tale. Not a fan of letting Annie back into their lives. Keep up the good work.

Great story! Yes, there is reconciliation, just like we see in real life! In the end, the best revenge is, once again, a life well-lived!

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5++/5!!

Excellent story.

Honestly, it gets tiring reading the fantasy of how most men in these stories always wind up meeting the " woman of their dreams " as soon as their wife shits on them. It's nice to think of but it has become the go-to solution here on this site to fix the broken man. It almost always ends with the ex-wife pining away for her ex and the new life he has. It's a damn fairy tale and LIt needs a new category maybe called "Unrealistic Endings" for people to submit them.

It would be nice to read some more realistic stories instead of the fantasy land these present. It's almost as cliche as the husband being an ex-military special forces guy who takes no shit and lets loose hell on the antagonists.

You wrote it well though and I'll still give 3 stars just because of the writing.

You live then you die. Stories follow life and mates are plentiful if you only look.

This was one of those. The amount of happy cuckold raac stories is overwhelming at this site. This isn't one of them thank goodness.

Which it should not be ,for the moderately successful the field is overflowing.

The prose is competent. The plot and the characters derive from a hundred other LW stories : carbon copies of carbon copies.

Leaving while someone is having a stroke is a criminal offense in many jurisdictions. Criminal neglect. Like this story.

Love the story. AAAAAA+++++

nice the reverse sleeping beauty. it was a very fun read but ppl dont emotionally flip flop like these characters do unless they are bipolar

invisible_bridges that can be said for every emotional LW stories. havent u heard theres nothing original anymore

Annie didn't deserve the belated welcome back into her family. Paul deserved worse, but that's another story.

That's an entertaining story with reasonable recourse instead of scorched earth. Well done!

Not after this tale, where revenge is served warm and fuzzy in the form of the avenger living on in a beautiful happiness and the “avengee” suffering the misfortune of not only witnessing it, but experiencing that beautiful life from the outside. Love it!

Thanks for writing!

Same old story. Yet it has been transformed and so well even let's hurt back into his life and all is forgiven Common habital realism here. You do write well it's just the way your story's goal or the story anyway it's terriblyet where the story anyway is tarly idiotic and that's not a condemnation of you as a person it's of the writing. I absolutely believe you can do better please take a little deeper.

A good story. BUT some suggestions:

1) In your 1st papagraph state how many parts and projected postings.

2) In the same papagraph, state ' That it a story, based on your fictional world which does not always match reality', see Saddletramp for instance.

Finally WHERE IS PART2 of Double or Nothing, I AM FED UP WITH WAITING.

another SWAMP DONKEY joins the herd!!! HEE HAW ... HEE HAW

...this is the first of your submissions I have read at this point. I also read all 66 comments.

As a new author providing free entertainment by applying your time and talents: Thank You! While not as polished as many stories from more experienced writers, this submission stands as a solid and enjoyable read. IMO, there are some bits of good advice mixed in with the vitriol supplied by previous commenters.

To the commenters: Wow, are you guys harsh. Go back and read your input folks. Unless you truly feel an author is hopeless, I recommend a bit of encouragement mixed in with your criticism. Or, like the commenter who dislikes multiple POV format, simply vote with your feet and click another story/author.

Keep 'em comin'.

As a fairly new author your works that I have read are very good and stories like yours make reading enjoyable. This storyline was excellent and I was glad to see you brought justice for Arthur in the end, and Annie, her character, well she just flat assed fucked up doing what she did, such stupidity allowing herself to be manipulated and conned. But you gave Arthur a happy ever after which made the story complete. You also gave his character integrity on how he handled Annie in the end. I hope you keep writing and don't take some of the harsh comments to seriously,

Well done 5 stars.

The Martian slut ray has never made sense, but the con man convincing a woman to temporarily become a sociopathic narcissist under the guise of egalitarian altruism? Pure "Garden of Eden."

Story is good but the ending is worse

I'm totally agree with and standing with Rhonda.

Why the sucker let the slut welcomed back in their lives and family

If slut's soulmate not turned against her, will she ever realized her misdeeds, cruelty and betrayal???

Now she is fucking around as a single and alongwith enjoying the luxury of a family.... What is for the payback???

Fucking crap of humanity for these social criminals...

Only,

Terror Funding Human Rights Organizations like Amenesty International always defends the bloody terrorists.... Na sane person can admire this bullshit.

This started out with promise but spiralled down quickly. The second half was too obvious from a mile off. the whole wife’s ballooning weight and then of course to top it off Paul had to have a miniature penis… Yada yada yada. Bluntly, it was boring and contrived after the first page. This could have been a solid 4 or even 4.5 story, but ended up being an almost 3.

Thanks everyone for the feedback on this one, as previously mentioned, this was my first story ever, even before 'Forced Perspective'. I agree with a lot of you around the ending, If i was to write it again Annie wouldn't get anywhere near the forgiveness, but when I wrote this almost a year ago I wasn't sure where to go. I love BTB but i also like a good RAAC.

I did struggle if I should post this, end the end I wanted to document my journey for no one other than myself, this way in years to come I can look back and see where I started.

I just wasted 20 minutes of my time reading the comments left for the author. Me, I enjoyed the story but thought the ending could have been much stronger - maybe next time. The issue of forgiveness of the ex-wife, that is the most misunderstood issue in these stories - you forgive primarily for yourself. If that anger and grief continues even after your life improves, it drags you down. It helped the daughter as well. What is most aggravating are the comments left by people who've never posted a damn thing! Walk a mile in an author's shoes, then read your own comments. That cured me - I hope it cures you as well. So 4* from me - and I'm still trying to release my own anger.

Well done. A couple of grammar errors, but overall, good work. Now, about these comments. Apparently, these want-to-bes expected Annie to be burned at the stake! No one seemed to take into consideration 25 years of a good marriage with the closeness that happens, and then the sky falls in on him with no apparent reason that he can see. This is well written for it shows what a ' soft' man in total commitment will do when blindsided by what Annie did, and the way she did it. Yes, there are a few of us that would never have let her back in, but she had been severally punished in a number of ways, so by letting her back in, slightly, he probably kept her out of th looney bin. If we only go around once, like they say, that's life. He comes out of this for the better, she doesn't, and she has to put her life back together, and he doesn't. Keep writing.

I have a problem believing being given divorce papers an told it’s over is so much of a shock u would shut down nothing is guaranteed in life an if he had been happy he wouldn’t of done what he did wen he recovered so it wasn’t as much of a shock as he made everyone believe

Another good story Mr Other (jaybee186)

Well done. Very enjoyable read. Thank you for writing.

I just re-read this story - I was wrong in my original comments and rating - it should have been five stars and the ending fit the story. Now I'll go and confess my sins and perform acts of penance!

Nice! enjoyed reading this tale. *****

"this has been in motion for over two months and had to be served this week, or it would cost her a whole lot more in fees from her legal team." - Once the papers have been prepared, the legal team has no more expenses until hearings, depositions, etc., so why should fees be higher just because the papers weren't served by a specific date?

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I have no idea about Tina's business, since it's in the past, but given divorce laws, I'm surprised that she'd need help keeping her daughter.

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His wife has a lover, their divorce is simply going through the legal steps, but he won't have sex until the divorce is final.

Great story 5stars. commenters, remember author Other writes from "down under" and may have different legal considerations than we in a different part of the world. LP

Enjoyed the story. Some good writing. The ups and downs of life. I am glad Arthur's story finish with a great ending. Thanks for writing.

4 Stars on this One and I really liked The Sister in it . Keep up the good work

wimpy 1st page. that all i could stomach

a fun story and the bitch and boyfriend get theirs

"someone brought me home" - "SOMEONE" brought him home, but his parents found him in the park?

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I don't know how she expects to get MORE than her fair share in what I presume is a no-fault divorce. If there WAS any fault, it would be hers, for her to expect MORE from the innocent party is fucked up!

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Call me a mean bastard, but I wouldn't let her back in my life. The daughter, MAYBE, but him? NFW!

Just like a whimp victim to let the devil back in the fold. She will destroy all.

The bedroom door closed and Dr. Arthur checked things out and making sure she knew he was boss, made her carry a heavy load in her belly for 9 months. Fixed her fanny! Annie suffered and was lucky her ex-family took her in...

Tis OK, a 4 maybe but dear God please drop the word "smirk", I'm beginning to think it is a requirement to be in every story on Literotica ......

5 stars to deduct to 3 because of last part

A charming little tale of betrayal, forgiveness and moving on. I know that many LW readers dwell in a world of hatred and revenge, but in the real world moving on with as little bitterness as possible is what the sane amongst us really want.

LA

I know you are new at this but the hundreds of errors detract so badly from the quality of your story which I did enjoy. It was an easy read and left you feeling good. You brought out something very important when you wrote of the child abuse and spousal abuse issue which is prevalent the world over. Keep writing. Oh, you would have gotten 5 stars if the grammar and spelling were greatly improver.

Very nice story & I am very forgiving in regards to grammar. Likely because my grammar & spelling are just so terrible. Shame on you Merlin.....really hundreds of errors. Elitist snob. Other you keep at it. I finished all your stories in one day. That must tell you something.

Based on the vast majority of LW stories, the next time I get divorced I'm going to expect a wealthy , gorgeous woman to be breathlessly waiting for the final decree and then claiming me as her very own. It sure as hell didn't happen the last time...

Your character is more forgiving than I could ever be. My first wife decided to try some strange, and I haven't spoken to her since, mostly because she gave me an STD as a parting gift. Fortunately, it was curable. I've been happily married for 23 yrs to a loving woman.

I would have just told Annie to go fuck herself when she tried to reconnected following her stupidity of having an affair and divorcing him! Annie obviously didn’t love him!

Merlin-the- Magician’s is an idiot! He must be a Republican who thinks Trump was cheated out of a second term! These stories are not reviewed by an editor since they cost big money. Merlin should be happy to read such a good storyline! I have read many perfect grammar stories which are level one compared to this level ten story. I am not petty about grammar as Merlin is. Merlin seems to me like a self centered weasel who complains about everyone else’s story but he can write his own stories because he has no vision!

Really interesting read, his brain shuts down and when he wakes up he's got a new girl...

I must admit it's a little far-fetched, but hey, this is fiction, so it's a good read.

I like this author's stories, because the douchebag seducer gets his comeuppance in due course. Too often in these stories, the main culprit, the seducer, gets away without paying for what he has done to a happy family! Keep up the good work. 5*s.

“a litany of doctors” Is that something like a parliament of apes? (Collective nouns are amusing.)