Chemical Imbalance

She shook her head, trying to clear it of these strange, unbidden notions. Luckily, her colleague didn't seem to notice anything off in her behavior. He just nodded. "Yep, that all makes a lot of sense. In fact," he grinned conspiratorially, "it was a bit of a trick question. Don't tell the chair, but I prefer Voet too."

"Now," he went on, "we come to today's lecture. I don't think you quite accomplished what you wanted to in that classroom, but I know you came in with a plan. What was it?"

Lynn had the answer on the tip of her tongue. After all, this was the moment she had been waiting for--her golden opportunity for redemption after the morning's debacle. But instead of laying out her lesson-plan, logically and systematically, as she intended to, she hesitated. For some reason, she was finding it hard to concentrate. Feeling clammy, she tugged at the collar of her blouse. Maybe it was the temperature that was getting to her...

At last, some words spilled out of her mouth: "Dan, is your wing of the building always so hot?"

He chuckled in response. "Good, I thought it was just me. Worried I was coming down with something. No, I think this balmy October weather has put the facilities people off their game. They probably stoked the boilers too high. Luckily, I know where the paper cups are."

Getting up, he fished a couple of cups from a cabinet, filled them from the fountain, and returned to the table. "Now, about class today, I wonder if you could..."

While he went on speaking, the thought floated idly through Lynn's mind that, right here, right now, she actually felt comfortable with Dan. Not just comfortable talking shop, but comfortable with him. She'd never thought that would be possible again, not after that kiss. It wasn't that she trusted him, exactly--at least not completely. But the prickly emotional barrier that she had erected against him just didn't seem to be there anymore...

Oops, he was waiting for her to say something. "Yes, today wasn't quite..." She gulped down the cup of water. Delicious!

"Today, um... Look, Dan, can I ask you something?" Instinctively, she glanced around. The crowd in the lounge had thinned out. An older fellow was still sitting nearby them, but he appeared to be on the verge of nodding off, and was paying no attention to their conversation. The only other person there was a diminutive graduate student, Vietnamese girl maybe, who sat hunched in the far corner, tapping away on her macbook.

Dan was oblivious to them. "Sure, ask away."

Though it appeared unnecessary, Lynn still found herself lowering her voice. "Why are you at St. Cyril's? What, um, happened...?" Even as she spoke the words, she felt slightly baffled by her own boldness in asking such a question. Of course, she'd always wondered about Dan's deep, dark secret. But she'd never dreamed of raising the matter with him, not even back when they'd been close.

Still (she thought), maybe it was best to just get everything out in the open. To clear away any pretenses that might lie between them. And, if that meant that she got to know him better too? Well--that was a prospect that had a certain appeal to it...

Dan's face took on a serious expression. "Look, I'm not going to sugar-coat it. You've probably heard the rumors, and they aren't off-base. While I was at St. Bon, I had an affair with an undergrad. She came on to me, mind you. And then it got messy--'fatal attraction' type of scenario, if you catch my drift." (Lynn didn't.) "Now, in my defense, the girl was a stunner. But I did succumb to the temptation. Afterward, though, I was contrite. I did my penance, and I told the bishops I'd never risk my career for an oversexed co-ed again. And I meant it. I've been a choir boy ever since. Well, except for, you know..."

Lynn cocked her head and waited for loathing and condemnation to well up within her. Fornication was a mortal sin, any good Catholic knew that. How much worse, then, to fornicate with a student placed in your care! Lynn believed in the power of redemption, but was this man really penitent? She suspected his only regret was being caught.

Yet..., she found herself struggling to be judgmental. Even at a strict Catholic college, she rationalized, one was bound to encounter a few, well... ahem... sluts. She almost giggled to hear that unfamiliar word, even if only in her head. But it was true! Of course, that didn't let Dan entirely off the hook. Professors were supposed to rein in their students' lustful natures, not indulge them. However, no one is immune to temptation, and that went doubly for males...

Dan stared at her, face deadpan, while these thoughts ran through her mind. "So?" he said at last. "Do you hate me now? Are you shocked?"

She tried to look stern, but her lips curled into a smirk instead. "Let's just say, I'm not surprised."

He grimaced in mock embarrassment. Then he ran the back of his hand across his brow. "Gosh, it really is hellish in here, though, isn't it? I love talking academese with you, but this heat is making it awfully hard to concentrate on serious stuff."

To Lynn he looked cool as a cucumber, but she had to agree with his sentiment. Whether it was the stifling atmosphere, or something else entirely, she was feeling less and less like dabbling in scholarly abstractions anymore. The conversation's recent turn toward personal confession struck her as much more fun--even if it did seem a bit wicked too.

Glancing around, she observed that they weren't the only ones affected by the heat either. The grey-haired gent had his face planted on the table in front of him now, drool tricking from the corner of his mouth. That wasn't so surprising, perhaps. But more jarringly, it seemed that while they'd been talking, the Asian student in the corner had removed her t-shirt and jeans. The garments were scattered on the floor; while the girl herself sat in the chair in white-satin bra and panties. And instead of typing on her laptop, she was just staring at the screen, a glazed expression pasted on her face.

The incongruity of the scene stirred something inside Lynn. Such behavior wasn't normal, was it? No, she felt pretty sure it wasn't. She pointed and whispered, "Do you think that girl's all right? Should we phone someone?"

Dan gave a lopsided grin. "Well... grad students can get a little crazy sometimes. But in this case, what I see is a creative response to our predicament. In fact, a problem-solver like that is probably top of her class."

Lynn nodded uncertainly. It still seemed a little odd to her; but Dan must know what he was talking about. "Yeah. I suppose she must be a lot cooler that way..."

"In fact, you could join her, if you want. I don't think anyone here would notice."

Her face reddened at that idea. The mental image sent an involuntary thrill down her spine. But she felt sure there must be some rule against it. "Dan!" she sputtered at last, in an undertone that was half shocked, half playful. "That would hardly be dignified! Not for a faculty member. Not in public!"

"Well, what if we continue our conversation in my office? Then, if you decide you want to cool off, you'll have some privacy. Don't worry," he added with a confiding wink, "I'd never tell."

She hesitated, and after a moment he tilted back in his chair. "Or," he said, "we could just cut our meeting short. I'm sure I have enough to write my evaluation." It seemed to Lynn that the temperature in the air between them got a degree or two chillier as he said it.

Earlier, she remembered, she hadn't felt comfortable going to his office. But that seemed silly now. And more importantly, she didn't want their conversation to come to an end. She didn't feel like going home. Not yet. And bantering with Dan was intoxicating. It was a mode of human interaction she never got to indulge in--light, playful, slightly daring. It made her feel young and alive.

Moreover, it seemed like she was starting to reconnect with Dan too. Like maybe they could finally put that whole awkward episode last spring behind them. Life without his friendship had been dull and empty. Perhaps it was time to let him back in.

"All right," she burst out at last, feeling wonderfully impulsive. "Let's retire to your office."

The shadow lifted from Dan's face as quickly as it had come, and he broke out in a triumphant grin. "Aha--I knew you were having a good time!" Rising, he extended an elbow. "If you'll allow me to escort you...?"

On their way out of the lounge, they passed by the Asian grad student, and Lynn caught a glimpse of unclad bodies writhing on the girl's computer screen. Eyes widening, she noticed that the student had thrust her hand down the front of her panties as well, and was evidently fingering herself.

You never saw that kind of thing at St. Cyril's! Lynn knew it wouldn't sit well with the university elders--and some part of her felt that she should be disturbed by it too. But she wasn't disturbed. Instead, the whole scenario felt weirdly electrifying...

* * * * *

Dan's office was nearby, reached by a short side-hall. He didn't rate a large space, but it was tidy and comfortable. He had squeezed a small couch into it, and he gestured for her to sit there, while he pulled up a chair.

They traded bits of office gossip for a while. Professor A had sabotaged a colleague's funding application. Professor B had been raging drunk at a conference in Cincinnati. Professor C's wife had kicked him out and he was sleeping in his office...

It seemed to Lynn like they were making up for lost time--catching up on all the coffee-breaks and hallway conversations they had missed in recent months. In fact, she had to admit she'd never been this free with Dan before. Half the things she blurted out were delicate enough that she wouldn't have dared to share them with him in the old days. Maybe it was the privacy of his office that made her feel open. It was nice there. Intimate.

Unfortunately, it was also just as hot as in the lounge. If anything, it was even more oppressive. Lynn fanned her face ineffectually. "Can we open the window?"

Dan shook his head apologetically. "Sorry, they've already weatherized for winter. They're sealed shut. But take a page from that student back there--you'll be cooler with less layers on."

There was that idea again. Lynn shivered with uncertainty. Something told her she shouldn't do it. But, the more she thought about, the more she found she wanted to. After all, no one would know. And the idea of taking her clothes off in Dan's office struck her as... well, sort of racy!

Not yet fully committed, she tested the waters by slipping off her navy pumps, one at a time. Wiggling her bare toes against the carpet, she shot Dan a goofy grin. He smiled back reassuringly.

Then she paused. Was she really going to do this? She knew she wasn't supposed to, but... aah, what the hell! It wouldn't do any harm. And it would be funny, later, to think back on how crazy they'd been--how spontaneous.

Lynn started undoing her blouse. It had cherry blossoms printed on it, and she admired them as she fumbled at the buttons. She'd never realized before how vivid the colors were. The flowers were so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at them...

When she was about halfway down the front, she glanced up at Dan. He was leaning back in his chair, gazing at her inscrutably, a half-smile lingering on his lips. "Aren't you going to 'get comfortable' too?" she asked.

His eyes crinkled. "Yeah, later. If I get too hot."

She shrugged and kept unbuttoning. When she'd finished, she wriggled out of the garment, lobbing it toward Dan's desk with a theatrical flourish. Its fluttering arc fell well short of the target, and it dropped to the floor. Then, standing, she unzipped her midnight-blue skirt and let that fall to the ground as well.

Reseating herself, Lynn leaned luxuriously back against the cool upholstery of the couch in her lacy pink underthings, stretching her long, smooth, toned legs out before her. Dan had been right. She felt sooo much better this way...

Dan's face reddened a little and his pupils widened. Always energetic, he seemed more animated than ever now. Lynn felt invigorated too, and as they resumed their bantering she was struck by the power of the connection between them. Their personalities were so different, yet some part within each of them resonated perfectly with the other. It wasn't right that they had spent so many months estranged.

After a while, the conversation hit a lull. "I do love gossiping like this," Lynn said affectionately, "but we're being appalling! We really ought to stop." She managed to hold a serious expression for a second or two, but then broke down into giggles. "If only our colleagues didn't give us so much material to work with!"

Dan laughed. "Oh my dear, if you think our department is bad, you wouldn't believe what goes on elsewhere at St. Cyril's!"

That sounded juicy, so she nodded encouragingly. "Really? What?"

He gave a knowing grin. "Well, like I said, I've been a boy-scout since I've been here, but I can't say the same for all the St. Cyril's faculty. There's a professor I know in Psychology. One of the few people who's been friendly to me. The guy's still pretty young, but after kid number three, his wife decided she wasn't going to 'put out' anymore, if you know what I mean." Lynn nodded--family planning was a constant dilemma for any truly devout Catholic woman who wanted more from life than an endless series of babies. Just another thing for her and Andy to fight about...

"So, now he's got a thing going with a student. Girl comes by his office twice a week to 'service' him. And get this--the guy's wife helped arrange it! The man's a charmer, but there must be money changing hands too..."

Even in her current laid-back state of mind, such an arrangement struck Lynn as shocking. Inconceivable, even. Depravity like that didn't happen at St. Cyril's--on the contrary, people came to St. Cyril's to escape it. "That can't be true, Dan. He must be lying to you. You know, bragging the way men do."

"Well, as a matter of fact, he does like to brag. But that's how I know it's true--the guy sends me pictures. Here, look."

He held out his phone, and she saw a selfie photograph. It was taken in an office that certainly appeared to be located at St. Cyril's--yes, she could see Xavier Hall through the window. Sitting in the middle of the frame was a man, slightly-stocky, blonde, and fully dressed. She thought she probably had seen him around campus. And perched on his lap, snuggled up against his chest, was a girl in her early 20's, as naked as Eve in the garden.

Lynn didn't know what to say--she just stared back at Dan, wide-eyed and blushing slightly. It almost felt as if a veil had been lifted. What else (she wondered) was going on at St. Cyril's that she had never allowed herself to see? The question was unsettling, and yet... it made her heart race in a way that was oddly exhilarating too.

"To tell you the truth," Dan said confidentially, "I'm getting a little sick of his boasting. I mean look at her? Kind of frowzy, right? Not at all like the girl I had at St. Bon--I've got higher standards." Squinting at the image, Lynn had to agree with him. The nude coed may have sported the freshness of youth and a devil-may-care smirk, but her red hair was frizzy, her figure was scrawny, and her skin oily and freckled.

Dan went on. "I told him to stop sending me pictures. Said we had a professor in our department who's sexier with her clothes on than his side-piece is without them." Lynn blushed a deeper pink. "Well, then he just pissed me off. He said there was no way some middle-aged mom could compete with a girl of 22. Oh, he did admit that your faculty photo was pleasant, but said you were probably built more like his wife from the neck down. 'Saggy teats, worn-out cunt, and the rest run to fat'--I believe those were his exact words."

Now Lynn's face was just plain hot, and she gasped with indignation. "Where does he get the nerve?! Just because his wife let herself go doesn't give him the right to insult me!"

Fact was, the philandering professor's venom had struck a sore spot for Lynn. Back when she had been carrying the twins, some older women had whispered to her that her body would be shot afterwards, seemingly oblivious to how alarming and hurtful such doomsaying could be. It had shaken Lynn a little; and after the babies arrived, she'd felt compelled to prove them wrong--always finding time, on top of her busy career and the hard work of being a mom, to get in a run, or a session at the university gym.

Of course, the reality was that some things had changed irreversibly. She'd never quite have the physique of a 22-year-old again, no matter what she did. But still, deep down, Lynn was darn proud..., no, damn proud of how she looked these days. She was proud of her healthy complexion, strong limbs, flat stomach, trim waist. If that was hollow vanity, then so be it.

Dan cocked a sly eyebrow at her. "You know, I just had a rather wicked idea. What if we... Heh, no, this is nuts... But, what if we sent him a photo for a change? A racy photo of you, I mean. Just to show him how wrong he is..."

Though she had only a dim sense of what Dan had in mind, Lynn found the general notion intriguing. It would be nice to put that jerk from Psychology in his place. And... well, sometimes it seemed like Andy didn't appreciate how much work it took for a woman in her mid-30's to look like this. Didn't register (to put it bluntly) how goddamn fortunate he was! As such, the thought of flaunting her figure did have a certain visceral appeal to it...

Sensing she was receptive, Dan went on. "Here look at this one." He flipped through a few more images on his phone, then showed her the screen again. In this shot, the girl was by herself, viewed full-length in an upholstered chair. Again, she was naked as a jaybird, but this time she was sprawled out in a truly shocking pose, legs flung wide. It was the sort of smut Lynn never had occasion to see, and she was stunned by its frank obscenity.

Dan gestured at the photo. "See how floppy her tits are? How poor her muscle-tone?" Lynn grimaced and nodded her agreement. "And look at her bush," he continued. "You know she's never trimmed it in her life. Bet you're not like that." The man wasn't wrong. In contrast to the wild, fiery mop at the girl's crotch, Lynn had always groomed herself with a certain sense of decorum. But it was disconcerting for her to realize that Dan had considered the matter--and that he had appraised her so accurately!

"God, I know the perfect way to prank him!" Dan chuckled. "What if we recreated the shot? Think of the look on his face when he saw it. It'd put him off his carrot-top tramp forever!"

Lynn was torn. She was still more-than-a-little shaken by everything Dan had just shown and told her. And a small voice at the back of her mind was very insistent that it would be a bad idea to go any further down this road. She should not take off her underwear. Not let her picture be taken nude. And certainly not let it get out on the internet!

But... well, the more that voice nagged at her, the more the rest of her dismissed it as a pain in the ass. She didn't owe that voice anything. She'd spent her whole life being respectable. Repressed, even. Today, she wanted to share something crazy and reckless with Dan--not least, because of the pleasure she'd taken in learning that he found her so attractive. Trolling Dan's jackass of a friend would simply be the icing on the cake.

* * * * *

Wordlessly, Lynn stood. It didn't feel to her that she had come to a decision, so much as simply let go of the reins--allowing events to unfold as they would. Blushing hard, but smiling unapologetically, she reached back to unhook her bra, allowing it to drop from her arms and fall to the floor.