Chemistry Pt. 04

DankCoyote: It's Jamie from soccer

Another surge of adrenaline. It's Jamie. My hands are trembling as I begin to type a reply. I start to type, then stop. What do I say to him? My heartbeat is thudding in my ears.

AmirFIFA2002: Hey, just studying in my room

AmirFIFA2002: Typical roaring Saturday

AmirFIFA2002: :P

He doesn't reply immediately. Shit. He's probably bored already. I break into perspiration. But then I check myself. Why should I care if he wants to chat with me or not? I barely even know him.

I look at the clock. It is already 4:30 PM. Where has the time gone? I really need a nap. I look over at my bed and realize I have forgotten about my laundry. Jamie still hasn't replied, so I throw on a shirt and run down to the laundry room. Someone has moved my wet load of laundry to the top of one of the dryers in order to use the washing machine. My laundry is still somewhat wet, but smells fine so I toss it into the dryer.

When I get back to the room, I see another text from Jamie on my screen.

DankCoyote: LOL

DankCoyote: What are you up to later?

I don't know how to reply. What am I up to, later? Probably more studying. But I don't want to sound lame. My stomach rumbles. I haven't eaten since the morning.

AmirFIFA2002: Gonna go get dinner and then...??

He replies quickly.

DankCoyote: Cool, cool...

DankCoyote: Chat me later if you want

AmirFIFA2002: OK, ttyl

My cock has worked its way out of the slit in the front of my pajama pants. I grip it, inspecting it like a parasite that has latched on to my body. It has had a mind of its own all week -- just a few lines of chat with Jamie and it has betrayed me once again.

I begin to think that Jamie has some weird power over me, worming his way into my head, eliciting this unnerving sexual response. Is he forcing these erotic feelings and disturbing images into my head, somehow? I flash to the memory of Jamie's mouth wrapped around my cock, the feel of his forked tongue, his teeth biting into my swollen cock head. I exhale loudly, release my grip, and stand up. My cock, still super hard, bobs out in front of me. My balls ache from being so pent up, so worked up without any release. I think about Tim's powerful grip on my cock, the way his forearm muscles flexed as he squeezed my shaft, hefting it, evaluating it.

What the fuck was that all about? Tim has never seemed gay to me, at all. In fact, I know that Tim has been with tons of girls -- like most of those lacrosse guys, he's a total player. The more I think about it, what happened last night in the bathroom didn't really seem that gay. More like... conspiratorial? Friendly...? But with a slight edge of competition. I know that Tim loves a contest. I wonder how big his cock is, hard. I'd only ever seen it soft in the shower. I wonder if he was trying to see if mine is bigger than his.

I start to stroke my cock so that I can blow a load and clear my head of these thoughts, release the ache from my balls, but my stomach grumbles loudly and I remember how hungry I am. Grudgingly, I get dressed and head out to get food.

~

Walking across the quad, I see Nadiyah and a bunch of other girls walking a ways ahead of me toward the dining hall. I stall, not feeling up to an interaction with her, her friends, etc. Will she be mad at me? Will she want to talk about what happened between us? I don't feel like finding out. I am pretty sure she hasn't spotted me, so I re-route to a different dining hall, one much further away in a part of campus where I am unlikely to run into anyone I know.

I eat at a table alone, quickly. I'm not even sure what I'm eating, all the food is beige and bland, aside from being over-salted. But at least it's hot and there's a lot of it. By now, my hangover is gone, but it has left me with a hollow, exhausted feeling, like my consciousness is a desiccated husk rattling around inside my skull. After eating, I bee-line back to my dorm, pick up my laundry from the dryer and bring it back to my room. I am so tired that I can't even manage to get the sheets back on my bed. I collapse onto the bare mattress and I'm asleep within seconds.

~

When I wake up, it is dark out. My screen saver is glowing, filling the room with eerie, pulsing, blue-green light. I rub my face and check the time. It is almost eleven. I stand and stretch my arms over my head. I am still wearing a dirty button-down shirt. It has shifted uncomfortably during my sleep, riding up over my belly. I unhook the top few buttons and pull the shirt off, over my head, and throw it on the floor.

I open up my email. My vision, still fuzzy from sleep, slowly comes into focus. There are a few emails from PSA people and one from my chem professor about lab this upcoming week. There is also one from my mom, which I click on. I sigh -- she insists on corresponding in Farsi so I don't "lose it".

Amir, you never call your parents! What is going on with you? Your father is upset that you never helped him update the website. Are you too important now to help your poor father with the business that is paying for you and your sister to go to such fancy schools? By the way, it is your sister's birthday today. I hope you called her!

Shit, I think. I had forgotten.

I pull open my AIM window and message my sister, who is in her last year of college closer to home. It is earlier there, so I don't feel bad about messaging so late.

AmirFIFA2002: Happy birthday, you old ho-bag

Usually she is slow to reply to me, but tonight a reply comes immediately.

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: Eat shit Amir

AmirFIFA2002: :P

AmirFIFA2002: Having a party?

My sister and I weren't very close growing up. We are pretty different people. In the last few years, though, we've both chilled out, maybe because we are quasi-adults now.

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: Going out with friends in a bit

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: U studying?

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: Loser

I laugh.

AmirFIFA2002: These perfect grades don't just happen

Our parents are always on her case about her grades, always comparing them to mine. I know it drives her crazy.

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: Fuck U, brother

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: G2G...

Child_of_Destiny_LOL: Love U!

Her away message comes on, lyrics from an Avril Levigne song. I roll my eyes. My sister is such a cliché.

I sit for a moment staring at my AIM buddies list. There is a slight breeze from the window. For a Saturday night, the campus is very quiet. I feel the cool air blow across my bare torso. It sends a pleasant tingling sensation rippling across my back.

There it is, Jamie's handle; his screen name burning with a black, inky intensity. I watch my mouse arrow move to hover over it and feel my finger click. A chat window pops up. I see the cursor blinking in the gray-white space next to my name. I take a deep breath. Am I doing this? Yes, I am doing this. I start typing.

AmirFIFA2002: Hey Jamie

There is a breathless eternity while I wait for a response. The notification sound, when it comes, slams into my chest.

DankCoyote: Hey! I thought I lost you, man

The pure rush of receiving his message floods every part of me with anticipation. I sit back in my chair for a moment, then lean forward again, to type.

AmirFIFA2002: Lost me?

DankCoyote: You know, to the siren song of collegiate party-going :)

AmirFIFA2002: Oh, haha... not tonight

AmirFIFA2002: I crashed and just woke up from a nap

DankCoyote: Nice...

DankCoyote: I've just been dicking around on the internet all night

DankCoyote: Look at us

DankCoyote: A couple of party animals

DankCoyote: LOL

My nervousness starts to dissipate.

He just seems like a nice guy. Totally normal to be chatting with him like this.

I am thinking of something to write back when another message comes.

DankCoyote: So... what do you get up to, besides naps and rec soccer?

I laugh. What do I get up to? What can I even say? The truth, I suppose.

AmirFIFA2002: Well, lately I've been getting up to the third floor of the library a lot

AmirFIFA2002: There's an amazing hidden study carrel up there

AmirFIFA2002: (don't tell anyone)

DankCoyote: LOL don't worry

DankCoyote: Your secret is safe with me ;)

DankCoyote: What are you studying so hard anyway?

AmirFIFA2002: Chemistry mostly

AmirFIFA2002: I'm also taking comp sci and politics classes this semester

DankCoyote: Ooh... You're one of those

AmirFIFA2002: One of what?

DankCoyote: You know, a hard-science type

DankCoyote: AKA employable someday :)

DankCoyote: Not like me

DankCoyote: I'm the archetypal fuzzy, artsy-fartsy, humanities kinda guy

DankCoyote: Hmmm, maybe we cant be friends, after all...

DankCoyote: j/k ;)

AmirFIFA2002: LOL

AmirFIFA2002: So what are you taking right now?

DankCoyote: Let's see...

DankCoyote: Modern American Cinema

DankCoyote: Poetry of the African Diaspora

DankCoyote: French, and intro Sociology

DankCoyote: Oh, and jazz flute

AmirFIFA2002: Seriously?

DankCoyote: No not seriously... :P

DankCoyote: But I might as well be, according to my parents

AmirFIFA2002: LOL

DankCoyote: So basically I have plenty of time to sit around,

DankCoyote: Smoke weed...

DankCoyote: ... and message hunky guys from my soccer class

DankCoyote: ;)

My eyebrows shoot up. My heart starts beating so fast in my chest that I am suddenly worried it might stop working correctly. What the fuck! My hands are frozen over the keyboard.

DankCoyote: Sorry, too forward?

AmirFIFA2002: No...

What is happening? I am starting to feel hot and can't quite catch my breath. A minute goes by. Then another. What do I say?

DankCoyote: ...? are you just gonna leave me hanging like that?!

AmirFIFA2002: I guess I'm just not sure how to respond

DankCoyote: Fair enough...

There is another long pause when neither of us writes anything. I sit back, realizing that I can just leave the chat, close the window, put this whole thing behind me. I have satiated my curiosity, right? I have confirmed that, yes, Jamie is gay, or bi, or whatever he is, and that he is attracted to me in some way. Check. I'm not gay, so we have reached a logical boundary. We can leave it here, and we can even still be friends. I'll clarify that I am not gay, but that I like chatting with him.

I sit for a long moment, convincing myself that I will reach out and type this, I'll do it right now, put ink to paper, bring it into reality. But I just sit, not moving.

Suddenly, violently, I realize I don't want this to end, whatever it is. The flimsy boundary I have begun to build in my mind washes away like sand before a powerful wave. The sail of my mind fills with a strong wind.

AmirFIFA2002: So you're calling me hunky?

Thundering heartbeat. I hold my breath.

DankCoyote: :P

DankCoyote: Have you seen yourself?

DankCoyote: You're like what, 6'4, 250?

DankCoyote: You're a fucking beast!

There was that word again, beast. My erection surges to life in my pants.

AmirFIFA2002: FYI I am only 6'3", 240... ish

AmirFIFA2002: :P

DankCoyote: Pardon my error, LOL

DankCoyote: You're hot, dude!

DankCoyote: Get it through your thick skull!

AmirFIFA2002: I've never felt particularly attractive

DankCoyote: Maybe you just haven't been properly appreciated

AmirFIFA2002: Are you nominating yourself?

I am flabbergasted at myself. Who is this stranger typing through me?

DankCoyote: Hmm that depends...

DankCoyote: I mean, we only just met :)

DankCoyote: ... I think

AmirFIFA2002: You think?

DankCoyote: I feel like we must have met before

DankCoyote: I remember you from somewhere

AmirFIFA2002: Maybe last year, during orientation?

DankCoyote: Could be...

DankCoyote: That time is such a blur

AmirFIFA2002: For me too

AmirFIFA2002: I went to a lot of parties that I barely remember

DankCoyote: My housemates hosted a ton of parties

DankCoyote: Maybe we met at one of them?

AmirFIFA2002: Did you live in a big old house off-campus?

AmirFIFA2002: With a huge deck?

DankCoyote: Haha I haven't had any complaints

DankCoyote: ;)

AmirFIFA2002: LOL

DankCoyote: But yeah

DankCoyote: I still live there

AmirFIFA2002: I vaguely remember a party there

DankCoyote: That's probably it then

AmirFIFA2002: I think... maybe we danced?

DankCoyote: Oh god

DankCoyote: I was probably a sloppy mess

AmirFIFA2002: Yeah, me too

DankCoyote: Did you like it?

DankCoyote: Dancing with me, that is

I remember the feeling of his face against mine, the press of his erection against my thigh.

AmirFIFA2002: Yeah

DankCoyote: Hey...

DankCoyote: Where on campus are you?

AmirFIFA2002: Carter

DankCoyote: Do you have a roommate?

AmirFIFA2002: Yeah

My hand twitches.

AmirFIFA2002: But he's gone for the weekend

DankCoyote: I'd love to...

DankCoyote: um...

DankCoyote: continue this

DankCoyote: in person?

I hear a cacophony in my head. The ancestors in the amphitheater are screaming.

AmirFIFA2002: Yeah

AmirFIFA2002: me too

DankCoyote: What's your room #?

I tell him.

DankCoyote: OK

DankCoyote: I'll be there soon

Jamie's away message flashes up onto the screen. I inhale quickly, suddenly realizing what I have set in motion.

Shit shit shit shit shit. I look around my room in a panic. It is a mess. I start to pick stuff off the floor, clothes, books, papers. I try to put things in their place but I am in such a state of agitation that I can't focus. My clean clothes and sheets are still in the basket from the dryer -- I throw the clothes into a pile in the corner before trying to get the sheets back onto my bed.

I am wrestling my pillow into its case when I realize that I am extremely thirsty. I run to the kitchen to get a bottle of Gatorade from the refrigerator. I grab a second bottle before heading back to my room, chugging orange liquid as I walk. I spill some of it onto my chest and stomach and curse in frustration.

Back in my room I stand still for a minute to calm myself down. Although I am shirtless and there is a cool breeze from the window, I am sweating.

"Amir," I say to myself. "Amir, get it together."

I take a few deep breaths. Wanting to get the Gatorade taste out of my mouth I fish around in my book bag for a stick of gum. The sharp mint flavor cuts through the static in my head, and I am momentarily calmed. I turn on my lamp and turn off the main overhead light. I queue up my study mix and adjust the volume to just louder than ambient. I kick a few last stray objects under the bed and sniff under my arms. A little musky but not too bad, having showered earlier in the morning. I spit out the gum and lie down on my bed in an attempt to center myself ahead of what is about to happen.