Chili Cookoff Festival 01

Chili Cookoff Festival 01

Hi there, I'm David, I'm 22 and my story of good news and bad news goes like this. I'm just 22, so that's good, I like to eat, so that's good, I live on my own, but my mom still tells me stuff to do to make me a better citizen of the city, so that's whatever, I don't really have a girlfriend, so that's bad, but when my mom made it very clear that I should volunteer at the Middleton Pro-Ama Chili Cookoff Festival, you know, to be a better citizen, but that seemed to be more on the bad side, but then I got a good glimpse of the size of Mrs. Bentley's chili beans and then volunteering became a good thing.

"(Giggles)"

Now, the other good news was that I was assigned to the parking area dedicated to the chili cookoff chefs and their fancy trailers and all I had to do was to make sure that the chefs and their rigs made it safely between the concrete parking curbs as they headed towards their assigned cooking area around the festival grassy grounds. And my position and yes, I said volunteer job assignment position, was required because the city leadership, in all of their wisdom, decided to have new parking curbs installed just the weekend before the festival and they didn't want them damaged and ran over, so, well then, I'm David and I'm in charge! Of getting the fancy equipment to and from the cooking areas and back to the parking area, but I was still in charge!

And I even had two runners, LOL, youngster who worked for video game credits, Josh and Ben, who were available if help was required to lift or carry anything from the fancy equipment trailers to or from the assigned chili cookoff areas, so, as I just said, hi, I'm David and I have a staff of two slaving, I mean, working under me to kick off the Middleton's Pro-Ama Chili Cookoff Festival.

LOL, I'm so the wrong person to be in charge of anything other than eating, but that's too bad! But I did my job as best as I could and before I go on, holy fancy equipment enclosed trailer smokes! These chili chefs were serious!

The row of painted and fancy lettered trailers was almost as big of an attraction as the rows and rows of tasting tables as the festival was just coming to life. I mean, you know us guys, right? Give us a set of tires to kick and fancy lettering to read and yep, they we all were, gawking, reading and dreaming about kicking the tires. Which nobody dared kick the tires for how fancy the trailers were, but still, right? But it was still a bit of a social event within itself, so.

And it was a good place for the guy in charge to keep an eye out that everyone was being properly helped and supported, so, as the worse person possible to be in charge, I did my job.

"Mrs. Bonner, are you stacking the deck in your favor by buying Mr. Gates' entire pot of Chili, huh? I mean, the Chili Cookoff Festival is just getting started, so?"

[Hefting a large pot of Chili]

"What? Oh, David, no, not really, I'm removing the wallpaper in my Parlor room starting tomorrow and the word is that Ken Gates' Chili will speed up the removal process up by heat melting the wallpaper off! I mean, I hope it doesn't deform the wall studs too, but this stuff will eat that old wallpaper up quick! Anyways, David, what does a woman have to do to convince you to put on a hazmat suit and help me spread fire Chili on the wallpaper tomorrow then, hmm? And clothing under the hazmat suit is totally optional. Oh, but a hazmat shower just afterwards would not be optional, so?"

Well, if nothing else, having a vision of Mrs. Bonner in the shower was a good way to start out my visit to the Chili Cook Off Festival anyways, but let me make it clear that Mrs. Bonner clearly made the first move! I also wanted to mention that showering with someone in a normal sized bathtub/shower is a lot more awkward than the movies make it out to be, but it still worked. Well, it worked for me anyways and then it worked better for Mrs. Bonner later in her bed, so. Which is all for another chapter anyways, so.

So, back to my position of authority at the Middleton Pro-Ama Chili Cookoff Festival.

"Hi, I'm David, I'm 22 and I have absolute power over the equipment runners, if you require any lifting assistance whatsoever, so? Also, you're a trophy wife then, right? Also, also, I'm 22, so sometimes stupid stuff comes out of my mouth, so?"

"Well, I guess we really are in Middleton then! But I guess I can at least appreciate your stupidity and for how forward that was, David, so, hi, I'm Brenda or Mrs. Trophy Wife to you and maybe that title would stick to me if someone threw that at me, but I'm almost happy, so?"

"Oh, I didn't really mean anything mean, but that man over there, I mean, his cooking apron has your smiling face silk screened on it with two golden trophies under your chin and with star bursts, so?"

"Yeah, that part doesn't play out to well for me, but Claude is a champion chili cookoff chef and his bank account is fatter than his belly, so? And by the way, David, yeah, I just heard it, so."

"Alright, Mrs. Trophy, um, this is a cool ass enclosed equipment trailer and it's a lot cleaner than I would have ever expected, so carry on and I'll be sure to try out his chili later from your tasting table then, so?"

"And I'll be sure to stand back from the serving table when you come around then, David, so?"

"And I'll be sure to take in the wider and full view from you standing back a little then, Benda, so?"

"Men! They always want a wider view of things!"

"Well, it's not like I'm suggesting that you make it look like you may or may not be wearing much under your chili cookoff apron or anything, so?"

"OMG, men! They always want their women in just an apron!"

Well, she said it, not me and I'm just 22 and stupid, so I'm innocent!

"Hey, Mr. Becker, where's the wifey, wife then?"

"Oh, hello, David, um, I'm sure she's stirring up the pot somewhere. I mean, Martha always seems to disappear during equipment setup time and you know, there are nick knack and art tents around all the festival grounds, so."

"Well, okay then, um, good luck with the three hours of cooking and then the two hours of taste testing, Mr. Becker, so?"

"Yeah, thanks and all for a few dollars and a cheap trophy, but it's what we do, David. And if you run into the wife, well, let her be. I'm the only one on the planet who knows how to properly set up my equipment, so."

"Got it, Mr. Becker, you like it solo. So, since the rules say that nobody can assist you, but my crew can help with your equipment and since we're neighbors and all and since the wifey wife is busy stirring up someone's pot, is there anything I can personally retrieve for you from your amateur trailer then, huh? And you really need to add some fancy lettering to your equipment trailer, Mr. Becker! You're out of the fancy trailer look loop!"

"Oh, there is a container of serving ladles that I forgot in the trailer, David, so that would be a great help then and that fancy lettering costs money, so. And why did you say that I like to go solo in such a funny way, huh?"

Well, it can't cost that much, right? I mean, it's two sides and the rear doors, right? And I'm sure he has a partner. I mean, not Mrs. Becker, of course, but you know, I'm sure it's not always solo, so.

But seriously, his plain white enclosed trailer just didn't cut it when parked along with the other fancy pro trailers! I mean, blah.

"Josh! Ben! There is a container of ladles in that blah, blah white trailer that needed to be delivered to Mr. Becker's cooking station, pronto!"

"[Puff, huff, gasp, hustle] yes, boss, on it, boss, you're going to pay for this, boss!"

[Fancy trailer rear doors creak open, but not all the way]

"Ahem!"

"Oh! Mrs. Trophy! Holy trophy toppers!"

"One photo, frat boy and be quick about it and don't you dare put anything above my smile in the photo frame!"

[The classic "S" curve pose. In not much more than a chili cooking apron. A crisp white apron.]

[Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap]

"Men! They always want more than one photo when their woman finally poses in just an apron and her undies!"

"Oh, it's just that the photo button on my phone is so sensitive, Brenda, that's all. Also, is there an exclamation point of "men!" statement when the man insists that you scrunch up your apron if your undies are chili cookoff logo undies and they say "taste this chili bean" or something, Mrs. Trophy, hmm?"

[Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap]

"Hah! Men! They always want their women to show off their logo undies!"

[Scrunch, pull, tease, scrunch, tug, pull, tease]

"Now get out of here, frat boy! This equipment trailer isn't the best of a dressing room!"

[Snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap]

Oh, I mean, I mean, well, I have no idea how to frame a photo, so, well, forget that nothing above the upper lip stuff! Besides, her eyes, right? They were trophy eyes and they completed the multitude of photos that I managed to sneak in, so.

[Nick knack shopping, nick knack shopping]

"OMG, David, David, David, you blew it! Next time, retrieve the container of ladles yourself and then take the biggest ladle in the bunch and clunk my faggot hubby over the head with it!"

"Well, Mrs. Becker, you need to say stuff like that in advance! Besides, I would need a serving ladle as big as one of Mrs. Bentley's boobs to knock out your fag hubby, so?"

"(Giggles)"

"Well, if something is going to happen between us, David, you're the one who needs to figure that out!"

"Wait a minute, Mrs. Becker, did you just cut me off from Sunday night side blow jobs then, hmm?"

"OMFG, David, of course not! You take my two trash bins out on Sunday nights and I swallow your two balls and that's that, but if you want me another way, well, you need to figure that out!

And that's why I'm in charge! To figure things out!

"Ahem!"

"Ooh, Tammy, ooh, and Lisa, this is a surprise, but a good one, erm, um, so I'm on the job right now making sure that these people get all the help they need with all this stupid cooking equipment, so, well, you guys talk now, so?"

"Yeah, about that, David, you're working our boyfriends to death, so? Neither of them is built to run around and lift pots! They are pasty skinned video nerds!"

"Tee he, are you two wearing bikini tops under your tube tops then, hmm?"

"OMG, halter tops, pervert, halter tops, but yes, so what?"

"Oh, erm, oh, well, you both look great, but I'm the boss and sometimes I just say stupid stuff, so?"

"Oh, well, you are a man and all, so that tracks! Anyways, so?"

"Fine, my slaves, I mean, my volunteer employees can take a lunch break. So, lovely little Tammy, does your older sister, Julia, ever talk about me then, hmm?"

"And we're right back to man stupid! David, do you really think that you could cut my Auntie Alice's grass like that and then she wouldn't dish about it, hmm? And good job for being that kind of boss too, by the way, Mr. Moon Launch! But next time, clunk her over the head with something so she doesn't remember who launched her over the moon! But it's nice to know you're that kind of boss! And by the way, Moon Man, what's with you and these slightly older women then, hmm? Well, never mind about those details, so, release our hounds, David, release them I say!"

Well, at least Tammy called them hounds, which leans towards nerd slaves for a day, so.

"Josh! Ben! Come here, we need a team huddle up!"

[Are you serious? Yep, they huddled up]

"Guys, do you know about the birds and bees, huh?"

"Dave, you turned out alright, but you're stupid sometimes."

"All four of us are 19, David, so stop being stupid."

"Okay, good team talk, break."

[Four story lines wasted]

Oh, and as for the fancy equipment trailers that I spoke earlier, yep, some of them were towed by some whip ass trucks and cargo vans! Full size trucks, club cab trucks, dually wheeled trucks, stretched cargo vans and vehicles like that. Or just how much do chili cookoff champions earn for short, right?

Meanwhile, back on the job.

"Holy, fire, you're on fire, Mr. Markle! Turn down your propane! And remove your apron!"

"Damn, grumble, stupid, mumble, knobs! It's always the knobs, sonny, it's always the knobs!"

[Pat down, pat down, pat down]

"(Cough, cough) well, simmer down, Mr. Markle, it's already going to be a long day as it is. And speaking of bimbo knobs, does Mrs. Markle need help with anything from the trailer then?"

"Hah! Can you help her with her makeup? And watch how you answer sonny, because since she joined the Middleton Bimbo Housewives Club, I mean, what the damn hell, right? I'm on the outside just trying to look inside lately and I can't see anything over her tall hair!"

"Well, you just said it, Mr. Markle, it's all about the knobs, so, well, wow, your cooking apron is still on fire, Mr. Markle!"

[Frantic pat down, frantic pat down]

I patted down nothing, by the way.

"OMG, David, David, David, you blew it! Next time, clunk him over the head with the fire extinguisher! Or at least let his apron burn up to his faggot balls, so?"

"Well, Mrs. Markle, it was natural instinct to pat the fire out! Also, I didn't pat down anything, so."

"Well, anyways, how are my lips looking? I went with a quad Botox shot this week, so?"

"Lips? Oh, those shapely things way up there above your knobs! Yeah, Mrs. Markle, you'll be a big hit today at the festival! Almost as big as Mrs. Bentley!"

"(Giggles)"

"Hmm, tweak my knobs, David and then get from our cargo van! I need another hour with my tall hair and a cargo van isn't the best of a dressing vanity table, so."

[Tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak, grasp, squeeze, grasp, squeeze]

"OMG, men! One simple nipple knob tweaking is never enough! Now, get!"

Well, it's like those chips! There is no such thing as just one quick tweak!

[Tweak, tweak, tweak, tweak, grasp, squeeze, grasp, squeeze]

"Hmph! Men, they always want to stick their hard cocks into a warm mouth after tweaking their women's knobs!"

Well, well, um, well.

[Oomph, sloosh, oomph, gasp, oomph, slurp, oomph, suck, oomph, gasp, gag, ooh, gag, ooh, squirt]

"Hah! Men! They always want to go "ahh" after their woman sucks their nut out!"

"Ahh. Wait, what then, Mrs. Markle?"

[Oomph, ooze, oomph, drizzle, oomph, ooze, oomph, suck, oomph, drizzle, gulp]

"Well, I mean, well David, just in case I'm your step aunt in a few months, since I have something on the side with your uncle. Also, I mean, was that good for you David because with all the damn Botox I have injected in my face and lips, I mean, damn, I'm starting to wonder if Harold has been getting some from my mouth while I sleep and I couldn't feel it!"

Nope! That's none of my business! But it was good as far as I was concerned, so. Also, Botox really does add filler, so, it was good.

"Well, do you see something that you like there, young man or is this how men roll in the fine city of Middleton then, hmm?"

"Oh, sorry, um, I'm David and I have a small crew available to help lift or carry any and all equipment over to the cooking and tasting area, so, well, hi."

"Well, go ahead, say something stupid then, David."

"Oh, um, I was just wondering if you needed, um, well, could I tie your cooking apron in the back then? Or you know, unsnap your bra so I can sleep with it tonight, so?"

"OMFG, well then, I asked for stupid and I got it!"

Well, she turned around for me, so.

"Ahem! The apron only, stud boss man!"

Well, her actions could have been interrupted a couple of different ways, right?

"Well, I didn't approve any dry humping, but since I haven't been dry humped in forty, I mean, thirty years, well [mwah], now get anyways!"

And that all worked out anyways, so.

"Whoa, whoa, there mister, we have help available! What do you need carried to your assigned cooking then, huh? Josh! Ben! Front and center! Earn your keep! Your lunch break is over!"

"Well then, I like a young man who is assertive! Assertive like a boss, that is! I'll take two! Well, I need help with two chili pots. The two big ones because I'm here to win it all."

And just who made chili cooking pots that were both the size of Wyoming anyways? Except for maybe the military because they fed soldiers by hundreds at a time!

Which was a thought that quickly left my mind as soon as I spied a full size, full four door truck attached to the fancy equipment trailer! Both shiny black!

"Bad ass! This is a bad ass rig! Oh, so, Sampson's Chili then, so, you're Mrs. Sampson then? I'm David and I'm the Gatekeeper for the day, so?"

"Oh, well, Gatekeeper David, I am Mrs. Sampson and I made my hubby buy this large four doors truck because the truth is, whew, sometimes all this gets to be a little much for me and I like a nice place to sit and maybe hide out from him [points], so?"

[Peeks into full size rear seat]

"OMG, this rear seat area is amazing! I've never actually saw one this close before, so."

"Well, I'm not sure what you've seen in your life Gatekeeper, but you just sent two young whipper snappers into the jaws of a faggot! And their hands are helpless with the size of the chili pots that they are carrying, so? Also, I wouldn't be mad if they clunked him on the head with each pot, so."

[Whoop]

"Chili chef fag alert! Ur BF's R in trouble!"

[Weep]

"We saw! Ur a terrible boss!"

[Weep]

"LOL, we clunked old fag on the head with the pots!"

Huh? There seems to be another theme surrounding the Pro-Ama Chili Cookoff Festival then, right? Clunk them on the head!

"Now, where were we, Mrs. Sampson, hmm?"

"Oh, Gatekeeper David, we were half way between you being stupid with your thoughts of sex and myself thinking naughty thoughts about being halfway to being seduced, but not now. I'm way too old to drop it like a rock or like a chili a pot or like it's hot or whatever the cool kids call it these days, so, feel me up and get! For a while."

[Shoop, squeeze, grope, poke, grasp, squeeze, rub, rub, push, rub, squeeze, tweak, tweak, poke, poke]

"Men! Suck in your belly a little so they can slip their hands in the front of your pants and they take it and poke all around!"

[Poke, poke, finger hook, finger hook, rub, slide, slide, slip, poke]

"Is that my hubby passed out behind his cooking station then?"

"Erm, the girlfriends of the boyfriends that I sent into the clutches of the faggot wolf clunked him on the head with those two big chili cooking pots, so?"

"Huh, so, I guess, hmm?"

"Hah! Women! They always to side suck in the roomy back seat of a four door, full truck when their faggot hubby has been clunked on the head with two pots at the Chili Cookoff Festival!"

"Hmph!"

Hmph or not, that worked! Or "ahh" or short.

"(Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep)"

"Damn it, sonny! I know that you're making that backing up beeping sound with your mouth!"

"Sorry, sir, but I'm charge of chili chef parking and I take my job seriously! (Beep, beep, beep). And since you're the only one with a motor home and a trailer, you get two spots (beep, beep, beep)."

"But I'm pulling my rig straight in! Are you loco or just stupid, huh?"

"(Beep, beep, beep) well, I might not be around later when you leave. Also, what is your name because I can't go around saying "Mr. Best chili north of Middleton and south of Hillsdale" all day, so? And more important, where is your lovely wife then? This is a team competition!"

You see, folks, since I'm just 22, yep, I was able to jump quickly out of the way since he revved it up and pulled forward really, really quickly!

"Joe, Joe Berkley. Where is the sign in table then, sonny?"

"Oh, do you feel that cooling breeze on your face then, Mr. Berkley, hmm?"

"Yeah, so what, it's called a weather front, so?"

"Oh, that's Mrs. Bentley exhaling with her weather front, so follow that breeze to the sign in table!"