Chili Cookoff Festival 01

"(Giggles)"

"Well, Susan is napping in the back of the motor home and she's serious about her naps and even wears a light darkening mask, so don't disturb her. Also, since it's the famous Mrs. Bentley and all up at the registration table, I mean, can you handle dropping the stabilizer jacks on the motor home since I might be a while or is that beyond you, sonny, huh?"

"Oh, Mr. Berkley, I drop it and jack it like all the time! Wait."

"Wait, what?"

"The breeze, Mr. Berkley, follow the breeze! Oh, and Mr. Berkley, watch that you don't clunk your head as you bend over to sign in or when you lift back up! Mr. Berkely?"

"(Giggles)"

Well, everybody does, so. And I tried to warn him about getting clunked on the head, although, with it being Mrs. Bentley and all, that might be a big clunking to take! Or to give!

Anyways, like I said, huh, stabilizer jacks? Huh? I drive a sedan, so. But as the parking boss, I mean, I gave it the old college try anyways.

"Hmm, stabilizer jacks, hmm, let's see, there must be a switch or a handle, hmm, oh, it smells nice in here."

"(Grump, yawn) Joe honey, are we there yet (yawn)?"

"(Mumble, grumble, Middleton)."

"(Yawn) that's nice, baby, erm, oh (grump) are you horny, Joe, honey? Were you just mumbling about jacking off, Joe?"

"(Mumble, grumble, aha, aha, aha)."

"(Yawn) well, I'm still clean from my (yawn) shower, honey, so fuck my mouth maybe, hmm? And don't be mad if I stay dozed off and keep my eye mask on."

Well, hell bells!

[Thump, thump, pump, thrust, thrust, slam, slam, slam, twist, twist ooh, oh, thump, pump, slam]

"Oh, oh, Joe, have you been working out without my knowing it, baby?"

[Oomph, oomph, oomph, slam, push, thump, thrust, push, push, twist, stab, stab, push, twist, gag, gag]

"OMG, whew, OMG, Joe! Did we travel to Middleton or did we travel back in time where you used to totally wreck my mouth like you did 25 years ago? Don't answer, trash me, baby!"

[Oomph, oomph, oomph, slam, push, thump, thrust, gag, gag, twist, stab, stab, push, twist, gag, gag]

"Argh, argh, ooh, ooh, ugh, ugh, argh!"

"Go ahead, honey! Drop both of your chili beans as a direct deposit!"

[Sploosh, splash, gush, splash, squirt, squirt, gulp, gulp, blast, gulp, sploosh, gulp, squirt, gulp]

"Aha, aha, ahh, ahh, aha, ooh, ahh, ooh, whoa!"

"[Gulp, swallow, gulp] hmm, such a, huh, such a different taste then I remember, um, so, napping time again, stud muffin."

"[Mwah] (grumble, mumble, stabilized)"

"Hmm, what's your name, Tiger, since I haven't lifted my light preventative mask yet, hmm?"

"Oh, David. Or stud muffin. Or Tiger."

"Alright, Tiger Stud Muffin, were you thinking about sticking something other than your finger tip in my butt another day then, hmm? I'm Chloe, by the way, so."

"Chloe, I just rubbed it while you were swallowing my cock! Well, I rubbed and poked a little, so."

"Hmph! I'll slip you my number later. Oh, by the way, are you cute? I don't want to peek just yet at the face of the stud muffin who just pumped my mouth like a boss!"

I mean, we both just said it, right? I'm David, Tiger Stud Muffin supreme! And of course, we laid eyes on each later since the festival was a day-long event. And apparently, I'm cute! Enough.

"Hey! My apron photos are trending now? I said no nip slip, David! Those were for your private bathroom viewing!"

"Aww, Mrs. Becker, you have 3500 likes and 3000 new followers on Chang and it's not even noon yet, so, are scolding me or asking for an upper butt crack photo release, hmm?"

"Well [mwah] I'm asking you to fuck me sideways like a boss with your red-hot chili pepper, but since we're in such a public setting, well, would you adjust the apron for me in the back then, David? And can you add a little tanning color, like I wore a thong bikini outside yesterday, hmm? Oh, and can we hurry it up since my chili equipment trailer seems to be voided of people right now?"

Hah! Women! They are always pushing the envelope of selfies! Which, well, okay.

"(Whisper, whisper, whisper, you have to, David)"

"Chloe (whisper, whisper, whisper) and if those are your hips in Capri jeans, then we need to get married!"

"LOL, David (whisper, whisper, whisper) and I'm going to kill you with sex when these hips get in motion some day! Oh, Joe, honey, these four young festival workers are overheating, so I'm going to let them cool down in our motor home with a refreshing and cold ice tea, so?"

"You see, sonny, you never argue with the wife! That's fine with me, Chloe, honey. I mean, safety from the heat first is what I always say. And get those young men out of those sweat soaked shirts, Chloe! But inside of the motor home because wow, there are some roving eyes around this festival!"

[From the distance, from the chili chefs who cook the other way]

"Aha, aha, aha, aha."

"And get a frying pan, Chloe, in case our sonny here needs to clunk any faggots on the head! Well, just don't stand there looking stupid, sonny, get with it and help my wife!"

Oh, no, there was no three couples coupling going on! I know Tammy and Lisa personally, so that was off limits. Also, Tammy's face said "no way" or something much meaner than that. And it was nice that Mrs. Becker emerged soon after too and without a frying a pan because clunking people on the head is not my thing!

But it was disheartening that Josh and Ben emerged so soon too. Not too soon, but sort of soon, you know?

"Josh! Ben! Team huddle!"

[Oh, again with the team huddle!]

"Guys, we're all men here talking locker room talk! What happened?"

"Damn, Tammy is going to dump me if I can't control my balls better! I'm a video nerd, not a sex machine like you, Dave!"

"Ben?"

"Damn, Lisa is going to dump me if I can't control my balls better! I'm a video nerd, not a sex machine like you, Dave!"

"Alright, good locker talk. Here's what you're both going to do. You're going to march right back into that motor home like you own it and blame it on them for being too hot for your balls! And then you going to demand a rematch! And then and here it comes, you're going to double dare, dare back, switch back dare and double down dare them to switch their halters tops for the rest of the afternoon just for you two! Got it?"

"Hmm."

"Ooh."

"Good team talk, break!"

"Wait! Dave, flip switch back dare or double, double switch back dare, hmm?"

"Double, double, switch, switch back, Josh! Do not ask your girlfriends to switch off! That never works! Alright, on three, break!"

[Huh? Almost not a waste of story lines. Not]

"Propane check, propane check, propane check..."

"Hold up there, sonny, one of my propane bottles might be dropping low. Are there spare bottle available then, hmm?"

Well, hells bells again since I set that up just when Josh and Ben found their second wind and they were unavailable!

"There are spare propane bottles available and I have access to a golf cart to retrieve one, but are you talking about how one of your nuts dropped low already or a propane bottle, huh?"

"Well, both can be true, smartass! Or wait until you hit forty for short!"

"Ahem!"

"Oh, the wife needs the facilities, smartass, so can she ride with you in the golf cart up towards the front of the festival grounds, hmm? Her name is Martha, Martha Miller, so?"

Well, that's why there are two front seats in a golf cart, right?

"Hmph! Both of his balls have dropped lower than my boobs! What's your name sweetie? And what is your girlfriend going to say if she sees riding in this golf cart together, hmm?"

"Oh, my name is David or Mr. At Your Service and you're my girlfriend right now, so?"

"Hah! Men! They always think that they can just love the one they are with!"

"Well, hold on tight, Mrs. Martha Miller, I know of a short cut on one of the park's trails, so, hold on!"

[Golf cart up on two wheels hard left]

"OMG, David, watch out! That tree branch almost clunked me on the head! Also, how is this a short cut when we could see the front area from where our chili cooking table is located, hmm?"

"Tee he."

"OMG! Men! They always want their women to let their saggy boobs out for them in nature!"

[Lift, lift, num, num, num, yum, yum, yum, suckle, suckle, brr, brr, brr, nipple nibble]

"Aha, aha, alright, young man, that's enough for now! I mean, I can still hear voices and the clinking and clanking of chili pots since you only went three trees deep on the short cut trail of love!

[Lift, lift, num, num, num, yum, yum, yum, suckle, suckle, brr, brr, brr, nipple nibble]

"Alright, alright, I'll tell you what, whew, when the hubby is packing up his equipment after the cookoff, I mean, maybe you can pack me with your equipment while he's busy and I'm safe enough this week, so you can spill all of your chili sauce directly into my chili pot, okay babe?"

"Oh, I'm going to spill it alright, Mrs. Miller and you're not going to wipe it up!"

"Damn, men! They always want their women to ride all the way home in the truck with sticky thighs!"

[Mwah, ummah, mwah, smooch, lip smack, lip lock, mwah, grope, squeeze, mwah, ah, ahh]

"Well, Mrs. Miller, since you are not in a hurry to rebutton your blouse and all."

"Hah! Men! They always think that they deserve to have their putters flapped off with a pair of saggy boobs when they are in a golf cart just off of the beaten path! I suppose I should plant pucker kisses on it too then as I flap your putter off with my flappy boobs, right, David?"

[Flap, kiss, flap, kiss, flap, flap, flap, flap, kiss, kiss, oomph, oomph, sucky suck, boom, blast, oops]

"[Gulp] happy now golf cart boy?"

"Ahh."

[Slowly pulls back onto the trail. Mrs. Miller gets clunked on the head with that same tree branch]

"One bottle of propane for the Millers, check. Also, David, who is that red hot momma in your golf cart then? And when did Mrs. Bentley back switch this event over to a saggy topless chili cookoff event, huh? Also, is she passed out?"

"Oh, Mr. Franks, that's Mrs. Miller and she's temporarily clunked out, but since I'm totally tapped out, well, that's your son driving away with her in my golf cart and oh, that's her reacting to his driving by working his gear shifter and SOB, well, Mr. Franks, I need another golf cart. And another bottle of propane, so. Mr. Franks? OMG, Mr. Franks, you can't follow them! That's your, erm, Mr. Franks?"

Well, like father, like son, I guess.

"Ahem!"

"Oh, Tammy, Lisa, so?"

"Well, we didn't switch back, back switch halter tops for you, but we appreciate your efforts today, David, so..."

[Oh, a dual cheek and cheek mwah kiss then]

"And maybe I'll mention to my older sister, Julia, that you were well behaved and professional today as the parking guru, but listen, David, did you know that there are two guys trying to clunk each other over the head just over there in the tree line, hmm? They almost look like they are related and they seem to be fighting over a pair of bare, yet super saggy boobs, so?"

"Tee he, that's next on my list, girls, but first, OMG, my job is never done! To the right, to the right!"

[A blonde head pops out of the van window and looks backwards]

"Well, my right or your right? We have different rights, right?"

"Oh, right, well, wait (beep, beep, beep), slam it in park right there, lady!"

"Tee he, and I thought it was my mouth that was supposed to form that "beep, beep, beep" shape as it got slammed, tee he."

"Alright, engine off then. How many jugs of water do you need then, um, oh, Mrs. Vents, the best chili north of the river and in super fancy lettering too?"

"Well, tee he, I had a blonde moment this morning, so the only jugs I packed up were my own jugs and I'm cooking a huge pot of chili today, so maybe two jugs of water. So, Mrs. Bentley sized jugs!"

"(Giggles)"

"And call me Victoria! And then tell me why those two little chickadees seem to have back switched, switched back their halter tops then, hmm?"

"(More youthful giggles)"

"Oh, Victoria, they trained their boyfriends earlier, so, can they use your cargo van to back, back, switch back change again then, hmm?"

"(More youthful giggles again)"

"Sure. Now get with my jugs of water, erm?"

"David, master of the grassy parking area, so, well, ladies, get with it!"

I mean, Tammy and Lisa may be off limits and all, but they do make for amazing visions while back, back, switch back, back switching shirts in the back of a van and all, so.

"Josh! Ben! Two water jugs for Mrs. Jugs McGee! Pronto!"

"(Huff, puff), Dave, please don't say it! Water is heavy!"

"Yep, two Mrs. Bentley sized jugs of fresh bottle water!"

"(Giggles)"

"And then go check that the Franks are breathing just over there! I just caught out of the corner of my eye that Mrs. Miller was speeding away in my golf cart! Well, not so much speeding since her boobs are dragging on the ground, but make sure that the Franks didn't clunk themselves so hard on the head that they stopped breathing, so, get with it then!"

[The blonde moment cargo van side door slowly slides open]

"Um, hello, erm, Tammy, Lisa, I know I can't see you two topless, so I'm covering my eyes with my hand, but is everything okay in here then?"

"Oh, David, well, Lisa and I already back switched, switch backed our halter tops, so that's not the big problem here, but we were flip switching our Demin shorts just now, so, well, don't look, David because we're just in our undies!"

[Quick finger spread peek]

"And Victoria was just using her fingers to show us, well, David, you're a man, do men really like camel toe or not then, hmm?"

"Oh, oh, it's the roadmap to love, Tammy, a roadmap to tippy toe follow, so."

[Another quick finger spread peek]

"OMG, men! They always want to know how the best camel toe is created by another woman's fingers!"

"I'm not peeking, Tammy!"

"Ahh, you're throbbing, David!"

[Huh, so it's that easy to get back flipped out of a van then when your eyes are partially covered?]

"Sonny, who is charge of rig parking here then, hmm? And why are you laying on the ground?"

"Oh, sorry, I was helping and then, well, I lost my footing and well, which rig is yours and what is your name then, huh? Holy, 1960's truck! Is that your fire engine red truck?"

"Hah! Men, they always drool over an old-time truck! I bought that bitch new off of the showroom floor in 1964 when I was just 20, sonny, and I sucked off the first two men who sat in it with me! Well, I sucked off my boyfriend of the time and then I accidently sucked off my step daddy in the truck, but I married him later, so it's all legit! And people call me Grandma Wilma, so?"

Oh, that machine drew a crowd. I mean, it looked like it was only driven on Sunday's!

"Well, wait, Grandma Wilma, didn't that make you your own step mom then, huh? And where is Great Grandpa Wilma now then, hmm?"

"Sonny, I said it was legit and that's that! And he accidently got clunked over the head and then sucked into a wood chipper when he tried to get my momma to understand things years later, so?"

Well, I was going to ask Grandma Wilma if I could finish parking her cool ass old truck and equipment trailer, but nope!

"Josh! Ben! May the heavens look over you today! Grandma Wilma needs help with everything and I would suggest starting with a call to the crazy house to ask if they had any escapees this morning!"

[Grr, brr, chip, chip, grr, brr, grr, grr, chip, chip, chip]

"And you, county worker guy in the neon vest, LOL, you picked a bad day to chip the branches in the park!"

[Sploosh, sploosh, sploosh, splash, splash, sploosh]

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, Mrs. Jenner, is chili supposed to boil over like a volcano then, hmm?"

[Frantically turns down the cooker knobs and waves arms over the over boiling pot of chili like that actually does something]

"OMG, no, it's not supposed to be a volcano, but I followed my faggot hubby into the trees and caught him having a field day with two guys who were all woozy on the ground! And then I clunked all three of them over the head with a branch and ran back here! Well, I stopped by that county worker for a quick moment to hand him my evidence branch to chip up, but it turns out that he's a fag too!"

"Oh, so you need a lower heat under your chili pot and a higher heat under your skirt in your honey pot then, right?"

"Hmph! Are you asking or offering there, um?"

"David, master of the diagonal parking! And starved for a certain type of sex, so?"

"Hmph! Is that the same as your starving for some pussy then, David, master of doing it diagonal, hmm?"

"I mean, I don't have enough experience to know if that direct question is acceptable, so?"

"Hmph! Men! Six blow jobs just don't cut it and they need to get it wet the other way all the time!"

"And I still don't know enough that if I'm winning or losing, Mrs. Jenner, so?"

"Oh, you're winning alright, David and you won't even need to clunk me over the head for the that win! But I don't know there is a playing field since the festival crowd is growing, so?"

Well, it wasn't the best situation, but it wasn't the worst situation either, but we found a tree that was large enough to hide behind and getting it from behind while standing up was, well, okay in my book and that position was behind me now, so.

Well, it was all good until that tree branch above us broke and fell while we shook the tree with crazy sex and it clunked me on the head, but her mouth-to-mouth rescue in woods worked too.

End Chili Cookoff Festival 01