Choices and Sacrifices Ch. 10

It was Thursday. She needed to decide if she was ready to hear all that Keegan had to tell her.

She and Rochelle had spoken about it briefly; Rochelle told her she needed to make her own choice. The suggestion was an honest one, but she would've been grateful for some more direction. Some conclusions had been drawn since he'd shown up at her workplace. She needed to come clean with herself if she wanted to make the decision.

The most important fact was that she loved Keegan. She loved him, but she wanted to move on. However, moving on would be nearly impossible with such loose ends still keeping her up at night. Sealing said loose ends would require hearing him explain himself and coming to terms with whatever he had to say. The problem was that she knew her heart would deceive her. She'd fall in love with him all over again, given the opportunity to forgive him for abandoning her. Whatever she chose, would be a loss. Listening to him might help her heal, but it'd also risk a setback. Never getting answers would undoubtedly bother her until she was old enough to forget about this entire situation.

Sabrina grabbed a basket from the grocery store entrance.

She hated going grocery shopping right after work; it was the busiest around that hour. Everyone was rushing around, shoving past one another and trying to get out of the store as quickly as possible. She was definitely no exception.

The aisles were crowded with people in work attire; suits, slacks and scrubs. She excused herself past a younger woman pushing a shopping cart full of children. She gazed at the kids, and then at the mother. The exhaustion etched visibly in her expression was enough to turn a teenager toward celibacy. But when Sabrina looked at the kids—one of them not even a year, her ovaries quivered with anticipation.

Her eyes scanned the pasta boxes, hoping to find the kind she needed for the fettuccini alfredo she'd been craving. She picked one up, looking over it for a second. Her grocery-shopping-uncertainty was not welcomed right now. There was no time to go back in forth over brands, dates and prices. She knew how much she could drag out an expected "quick" store run, but she still couldn't get herself to just throw something in the cart without evaluating it.

She looked between two different pastas on sale until she saw something in the corner of her eye. She looked toward it, trying her hardest not to be obvious.

Two young girls were staring at her. Their mouths were gaping with their brown eyes wide. They were cute twins wearing matching bright yellow jumpsuits that set their honey skin. Sometimes young children were mesmerized by the size of her hair. Although, these girls had curls themselves. Albeit the curls were looser, but curls nonetheless. It was a humid day and her hair was larger than normal so she smiled, hoping to put them at ease. To her astonishment, they kept the same look of awe and even turned to one another to whisper with their eyes still transfixed on her.

The scene was so bizarre; there was no one in the aisle with them. Sabrina looked down the opposite end, expecting their stares to be directed toward someone else—maybe she was just in the same line of vision. But no one else was there. Of all the people in this store, no one else was in this aisle with them. Sabrina tried to brush it off and turned back to her pasta.

She couldn't shake the feeling of being watched.

She looked back to where the girls were standing and was relieved to see they were gone. She huffed, put her pasta into her basket and turned to look for some ice cream. Just as she rounded the corner, she heard someone behind her.

"Bean." The voice put goose bumps all over her body. She stopped in her tracks, looked up at the LED light overhead and sighed audibly.

"Why?" She whispered to herself. Of all the things going on in her life—the things on her mind, God felt it important to introduce a new twist. Sabrina looked toward the fluorescent lights overhead for a moment. She contemplated not even turning around and dumping the basket to sprint out of the store and to her car.

But she was an adult. She was an established, successful and strong woman. She had no reason to run from anyone, and definitely not him. Sabrina turned around carefully, ensuring she had enough time to turn her face of neutrality into a slight scowl.

The girls were flanking both sides of her father and she could finally see little pieces of herself in their profiles. They continued staring at her with those same expressions but now she could finally understand it. They had probably only seen pictures and heard stories of her existence before that moment.

"Sabrina." She corrected lowly. How did he not age? It had been close to 20 years since the last time she'd seen him and he looked a day older than what she remembered. His head was still shaved bald and shining as it always had. His cocoa skin was the same vibrant hue it had always been, just embellished with a few subtle wrinkles. His same large, brown eyes were replicated and placed right on her face. He was always just tall, but he managed to maintain the bulk of his weight that turned him from tall to large.

His stature meant nothing then. He looked as fragile as the baby she'd seen earlier. He was timid, meek and on the verge of tears. Sabrina shifted on her feet and looked fleetingly in another direction.

"I need..." He started a sentence—any sentence to recapture her attention. He didn't want to let this opportunity slip away from him. "We need to talk." Everyone wanted to talk. Everyone had something to say. Everyone felt they were owed a slot of her time to explain their hurtful behavior. Everyone wanted to reopen wounds she had just finally healed up.

"We have nothing to talk about." He opened his mouth to say something else and another voice caught both of their attention.

"Colin, I saw some chicken that—" As if Sabrina could be any more sick to her stomach. His Cuban mistress turned wife had approached from behind. She was embellished in jewels, her largest being her 4 carat Tacori pear shaped wedding ring with diamond band. She was dressed plainly, just like a homeschooling mother living in a three story, 5 bedroom home would.

She took in Sabrina's glare and quickly herded her girls down another aisle. Her father's expression was apologetic. He loved his wife, but he could only imagine how much it hurt Sabrina to see his life without her. No matter how much he thought of her and wanted to be in her life, his actions had shown the opposite.

"We have a lot to talk about. I never got the proper chance to talk to you and now that you are in front of me, I will not let you get away. We need to talk." Colin's eyes were full of conviction that Sabrina was growing immune to. The past month, she'd seen this conviction more than she can count. At every corner of her life, there seemed to be a man waiting for her forgiveness.

She never understood how women turned bitter, cold and unresponsive to love. The idea of loving unconditionally had warmed her heart a year ago. She wished and hoped to have someone in her life who felt for her the way she felt for them. But after loving and offering herself up to men who seemed to leave her stranded, wondering what she could have done, what she was lacking or doing wrong, her heart was hardening too.

"I don't care." She said simply. She turned back to finish her shopping. His presence was still lingering and she turned sharply to see his mouth parted and his foot lurching forward in her direction. "And if you follow me," Her hair whipped around her face and she held a firm finger toward his nose. "I will have the cops waiting outside in 3 minutes." Her voice was low and her lips hardly moved.

"Your mother has a restraining order against me." Sabrina shut her gaping mouth and shifted on her feet. A man walking by who overheard, looked at them for just a second. "It's existed since the day I left her." Sabrina was still speechless. "Please, I live a few minutes away. Give me a chance to tell you another side. Your mother painted herself as the victim to you girls and it was not the case."

*

Sabrina pulled up to her father's house and parked in the rounded driveway. She cut the engine and stepped out. Grounds keeping was trimming up a shrub nearby and the woman lifted a hand to wave to her. She returned her welcome with a wave and smile of her own. As she walked up the steps, the front door was opened for her. Her father stepped aside to let her in.

His home was as beautiful as her mother had described a while ago. The floors were granite and the foyer had a high dome ceiling and crystal chandelier. The staircase was massive and twisting. She kept her expression as neutral as she could while the beginnings of an angry boil began to stir in her core. She regretted her decision to come.

"We can sit here." He walked to the left of the door and into the family room. There was no TV, just bookcases and sculptures around a few Victorian style sofas. She sat on the edge, waiting for him to get started. Just as he was about to speak, his wife came through the threshold.

"Hi Sabrina, I didn't get to meet you." Her accent was thick and her smile was a bit too big for Sabrina's disposition. She extended her hand and Sabrina took it formally. "I'm Lita."

"Nice to meet you." Sabrina said dully. She knew this was her house, and she wanted to be as respectful as she could but she it seemed impossible. She had done such a good job suppressing these emotions throughout her. She hated the fact that she had willingly let them return without a fight.

"Did you want water or tea?" Sabrina shook her head minimally.

"No thank you." Lita's face tightened at the awkwardness Sabrina had allowed to fill the room with her standoffish attitude. She looked to her husband for a moment before turning back to Sabrina with a nod.

"Okay, if you change your mind I'll be in the kitchen." She sauntered off through another exit behind her which probably led her to the kitchen too. Sabrina looked to her father with a bored, tired expression.

"I actually have something to do in a half hour—"

"No problem," He started hurriedly. "I won't keep you." He rubbed his palms over his pants for a moment. "Well, I heard a few of the stories Erica told through your sisters. I haven't seen them in a few years; I think they thought I was lying about everything. Brittany's relationship with her is too strong and Ivy's too young to think on her own."

That may have been true. Brittany was her mother's go-to. She was her personal 2nd in command and best friend. Brittany wouldn't have taken well to any bad mouthing their father had to do. However, Ivy might have believed him. But acting out that belief would leave her home life strained. Brittany and Sabrina were both old enough to have an opinion because they weren't still sharing a roof with Erica.

Sabrina knew her mother well. She could see her for the nasty, manipulative and controlling woman she was. Sabrina would love to put one more strike against her. However, it was hard to do when her father had so many against himself too.

"Your mother and I weren't getting along toward the end of our marriage. We hid it well from you girls but we had discussed divorce plenty of times." Sabrina sat expressionless. She'd heard them arguing a bit more but she didn't think anything of it. After the 3rd month of screaming, she'd thought it was normal. "I didn't meet Lita until I we knew for sure we were divorcing. It is a lie that I was having an affair. The day I met Lita, Erica knew. I made sure to tell her. Your mother made plenty of threats but when I had the papers, she refused to sign. I left to finalize my decision. I bought this house for myself."

"That doesn't explain why you didn't come see us."

"She didn't tell me the restraining order affected the kids until it was too late for me to take her to court for it. After six months of her giving me the run around about when I could have you, she told me I couldn't see you at all. I got a lawyer, took her to court and the judge said "You haven't tried to see them in six months? You didn't want to." And I was done from there."

Sabrina swallowed hard, looked toward the open window and whispered, "You didn't try hard enough."

He leaned up farther in his seat, hoping to convey his emotions through the empty space between them. "Bean, she would've gotten me arrested if I had tried any harder. I had two babies at home who I needed to be here for."

Sabrina looked into his face slowly, making sure to scalp him with her vicious eyes. Her lip curled upward as she gripped her breath from the center of her core.

"Babies... who needed you?" Her lips were rigid and barely moving. She leaned forward, with her elbows on her knees and her almond eyes intense. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Sabrina and Colin sat in an intense staring match.

"Accessing the kids you left tends to be harder than accessing the kids you left them for. A man's love for his kids isn't undone by a court ruling. If you wanted to be in our lives, you would have fought until our 18th birthday." Sabrina wouldn't pity him the way he expected. She had little pity left in her heart and certainly not enough to cover his tired excuses. "If you find it easier to sleep at night when you tell yourself you did all you could, then do what you must. But don't waste my time talking to me about babies who needed you."

Sabrina stood tall and ripped her purse off the couch. She looked down on him from where he still sat.

"I know you. I know you better than Brittany or Ivy. Why would you choose difficult kids over the ones in your house, whose mother was happily barefoot cooking you three meals a day? This," Sabrina gestured toward the room with an open hand. "was a hell of a lot easier than us."

Sabrina walked toward the door but stopped when she had another thought.

"You put us out of the house."

He was still where she'd left him, facing away from her and hunched over.

"I thought Erica would let me see you if she knew I was going to sell it. Instead, she moved and told you girls that I put you out on the street." Sabrina let out a sound of disgust before storming out of the house and nearly running to her car.

She spotted his wife and daughters along the side of the house. They were playing with jump ropes and bubbles. Lita saw Sabrina and her face fell solemn. They made eye contact for a brief second before Sabrina put her car in drive and stomped on the gas in hopes of leaving her painful, resurfaced feelings behind.

*

Sabrina couldn't sleep. Every time she thought she was drifting unconscious, her heart would quicken and clench in her chest. She wouldn't allow herself to be at ease for even a second. Venice snuggled up closer to her in bed and Sabrina felt bad she was keeping her up too. Sabrina decided to try to keep still so at least one of them could sleep.

She kept remembering how weak her father looked when she stood over him; the strength of a broken-heart survivor making her feel seven feet tall and his cowardice shrinking him in comparison. He looked so small. She remembered how he refused to make eye contact with her while she told him things he assumed she was too young to conclude. He was betting on her naivety and she had eagerly told him he bet wrong.

He was not the big man who pretended to be her horse all over the house for hours at a time. He wasn't the man she cried for when she'd had a nightmare and needed to know she was protected. He wasn't the man she clung to when she wanted to feel loved. She had lost her best friend in a day and at 15, she had to mend that broken heart completely alone.

And he'd had excuses. She still couldn't believe it. She spent her teenage years dealing with a pain women cope with in their 20's and he came to her with excuses. There is no restraining order that justifies the pain she endured. There was no lawsuit that equated to the pangs in her chest that took 10 years to finally subside. The sleepless nights and endless crying seemed to never end. Just like a breakup, things would remind her of her father and she'd fight the tears threatening to ruin her school day.

Sabrina's mother was free to wrap her talons around her. The man who knew her best and fought for her self-expression left her vulnerable. So when she cried at midnight, her mother was there to feed her heart with a hatred for her father. After 15 years of forming an exclusive pact with her dad, she was alienated and alone. Sabrina was forced to try to squeeze herself in between the pact of her sisters and mother instead.

Sabrina shut her eyes tight, feeling a sob seep from her lips. She had plenty of opportunities to reach out to her father. But she was so afraid of exactly what she was feeling, she never tried. In fact, she'd run away from every opportunity. The excuses hurt substantially more than the mystery of never knowing. She could sleep when she wondered about what was or what could be. But knowing was something she couldn't cope with.

So she was back at square one. A decade of repression and apathy had been undone with one fifteen-minute visit. She looked over to her phone on the nightstand and checked the time. She had to be up for work in two hours.

*

"Sabrina, I need to see you in my office, please." Rochelle said it and then she was storming off. Sabrina sighed from the front desk and slowly pushed out from her chair to follow.

She was exhausted. Not only was she physically exhausted, but she was emotionally exhausted. Both Keegan and her father were consuming her. She wasn't in the right place to be working with clients today.

Sabrina knocked on Rochelle's door before opening it and going inside. She was facing her computer which was away from Sabrina's seat. She typed quickly for a few seconds and an email sending sound filled the room. Rochelle turned to face her.

She'd been in high spirits since coming back from Jerusalem. Yoel's extended family had been much kinder to her than his immediate. Rochelle had stories about the fun times she had sightseeing and bonding with her family while immersed in her husband's culture. Rochelle looked at Sabrina for a moment before sighing and casting her gaze to her desk. She pulled out a pink slip that Sabrina recognized as a referral.

"You were late this morning and you messed up the books twice this week." Sabrina looked at the paper for a moment, trying to fight back her emotions. Rochelle had no problem separating her business from her friendship. On more than one occasion, Rochelle made it clear that if she ever had to choose between putting food in Mena's mouth and Sabrina, Mena would have plenty to eat. Sabrina could do no less but respect their dynamic for what it was. She never played on her relationship with Rochelle while at work. She understood that she was an employee and her responsibilities as such were not dependent on her deep friendship with her boss. However, Sabrina needed her best friend and not her employer.

Sabrina signed the bottom of the paper without a word.

"Thank you." Rochelle dismissed her. Sabrina stood to leave the room and just before she put her hand on the knob, Rochelle spoke again.

"Bean," Sabrina turned to face her. She was back at the desktop, clicking away. "We will talk for a second before lunch." Her voice was soft, a signal she morphed into best friend-mode for just a second. Sabrina was instantly soothed and relaxed visibly. She nodded before leaving the office.

*

"What a sorry piece of shit. How dare he invite you all the way to his house just to feed you that?" Rochelle always had the reactions Sabrina wished she did. When Sabrina was fired up and reactionary, Rochelle was calm and compassionate. When Sabrina was hurt and confused, Rochelle was pissed and enraged. She was her missing half.