All Comments on 'Choosing My Sister's Partners Ch. 01'

The premise a very good one. The grammar and sentence structure has some issues. The piece is wordy, meaning that you could have told the story in fewer words. It's the way some of your phrases and sentences come out. For example, "I love you Jenna, and I am so glad I randomly decided to show up today! Hey, do you want me to have pictures of you to show to men I deem worthy, or do we keep it a mystery for them?". I might have written, "I love you, Jenna. I am glad I showed up today. Would you like to take some photos that I can have to show? You might not want to if you feel uncomfortable." The sentence says the same thing, but is less wordy. I would have made the sentences transition better if I had more time. Even my structure is choppy.

Get a person to read it for you, and perhaps even get an editor. It will make the story flow so much easier. Like I said, the story is inventive and I give your premise 5 stars. The way it is written, I give 3 stars. My final score for the piece is 4 stars, not that my rating means anything in the scheme of things. Do feel free to contact me via email.