Christian Upended

He gently pulled my face up to his, kissing me sweetly," I know," he just left me standing there.

I went to my room, my mind a vortex of conflicting thoughts and emotions, I knew I wasn't gay, or thought I was pretty sure, I also knew I liked Ray in a way I never thought I could ever like another man, understanding fully that if he hadn't left me there, I would have done anything he asked me to do. From what I felt between us when he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close, I also knew we were both extremely aroused.

It took forever for me to find sleep as I worked through the entire night in my mind, then the past two weeks, our entire relationship, I should have seen this moment coming years ago, I knew there was something special about Ray the first time I met him, I think he knew the same thing. That kiss had been a moment of destiny, preordained by the old gods, the very creators of the universe, Ray wasn't some casual acquaintance, he wasn't just a friend, he was my soulmate; all I needed to do was figure out what to do about it.

Could I do anything about it?

Ray was in his studio working on something abstract, it seemed to be a blend of two conflicting styles. I watched for a few minutes as he danced in front of the canvas, this time in a ratty old t-shirt and some gym shorts that looked like they were going to slide from his hips without warning. It was still beautiful to watch.

The confusion that had been festering since I kissed him had only grown as I fought to find sleep last night, the few hours of rest I had gotten had done nothing to take the edge from how I felt. I knew I wanted him in my life but at what cost? I didn't know what happy relationships looked like or if they even existed, I had spent my entire adult life never giving them a chance, the litany of women that I had left in my wake proved that, then there was Ray.

Without a word, I left him to his painting. going for a ride instead, letting my bike take me where it wanted as my mind filtered through all the possibilities. I could feel my phone buzzing in my pocket, knowing full well who it was. As much as I wanted to answer, I knew I couldn't, not until I had some resolution, some clarity, some sense of understanding about what was happening.

Was it fair for me to move forward knowing full well it would end in disaster, just as my parents' marriages had, just as my brother's had, just like they all do?

Or was it better to just end it now before it went too far? I had done it a dozen times before, why would this be any different? I mean I hadn't even had sex with Ray. Did I relly want to? Was being gay even an option?

The questions kept coming but there were no answers. For reasons I couldn't understand, I was ignoring the calls from the one person I knew could help me find them. "It never works, you'll just hurt him in the end," the voice in the back of my head kept repeating, over, and over, and over.

The cheap beer in the little border bar in Tijuana wasn't helping any more than the young girl trying to convince me to pay her to give me a blow job.

I thought about Julie, "there's really no chance you'll change your mind?" she had asked.

"You know my family history, I just can't," it had been bittersweet, that last blow job had been epic, the best one she had ever given me. She zipped my pants and picked up her purse, leaving me there to deal with my decision.

"Fuck," at least Ashley had cheated on me, so I had an excuse.

Ray hadn't done anything except be nice to me, listen, care, protect me when he tought I needed it, in return, I had committed the mortal sin; I had kissed him giving him hope. He deserved so much better than me, I was such an ass. When it fell apart it was going to be my fault, just like all the other times.

The house was empty when I got back, a simple note on the kitchen counter:

Chris,

You know where to find me.

Ray

The o's in his note were little hearts. I did know where to find him too, he was at the pier watching the sunset. I packed my stuff taking one more look around the house, the painting he had started was beautiful, sharp lines, intense, dramatic brush strokes, full of color and his passion for life, I almost couldn't look away, but I knew I had to, or I'd never leave.

I rode home in a fog, only stopping for gas, food and to stretch my legs, twenty-four hours later, I pulled into my garage, went inside, crawled into bed, crying myself to sleep, dammit, I loved him, and had just left him there without any explanation. I was right, he deserved better than me.

Never letting the call complete, I must have started to call Ray a thousand times, torturing myself by listening to the messages he left me over and over, the concern, the confusion, finally the resignation, what had I done?

It took a long time for me to pull my life together, it seemed like everything I did reminded me of Ray, reminded me of how I had just abandoned him. The first month or so was easier, I had plenty to do to keep me busy, tons of mail to deal with, repairs around my house, there were also some issues that required my attention at work, but once I caught up, when I was alone, I was emotionally destitute.

I hadn't ridden my bike in over a year when an old riding buddy convinced me to go to Ft. Worth with him for an art show at a gallery a friend of his ran, there would be an open bar. We could head over to Arlington to catch the Rangers before the show. It would be a weekend of partying, chasing girls, getting drunk, commiserating about how we had struck out in epic fashion, it would be great.

I sucked it up, packed a bag, pulled on my leathers, meeting him at his house. We took the back roads to Ft. Worth, staying as far from the interstate as we could, finally checking in to our room, changing clothes before heading down to the restaurant for dinner, it had been a good ride. I felt better than I had in a long time. Later in the bar, we did exactly what we had planned, trying to pick up women, failing miserably. Back in the room, I took a shower before crashing hard. I woke up just in time to see Roger's naked body walk across the room in front of me. All I could think of was how much he reminded me of Ray. I rolled over trying to force the old images out of my head.

From that point on, I thought I saw Ray everywhere, across the restaurant at lunch, talking animatedly with an attractive young man, touching his arm; then laughing and smiling in the crowd at the baseball game as I stood in line for the bathroom, again hurriedly leaving the concession stand as I came out of the stairwell from my seat to get Roger and me another beer, one last time getting into a limousine with that same young man as Roger and I climbed into our cab.

I had to be hallucinating, but stranger things had happened, especially with me and Ray.

When Roger and I got to the gallery, we were greeted by the same attractive young man I had seen at lunch, he invited us to enjoy the show, reminding us that the paintings with the green dots were still available for purchase. Something stirred in my gut, something I hadn't felt in a long time, maybe, just maybe.

We found Roger's friend, thanked her for the invitation before finding our way to the bar, it was only wine, but it was good wine. As we began wandering through the exhibit, we both commented on the dark theme of the paintings. Some of them were striking in their austerity, others depressing to the point of sucking the life from anyone that dared look at them. There were surprisingly few green dots, the talent of the artist was obvious, every painting moved me in some way.

That strange feeling in my gut was validated and I knew it had been Ray I had seen all day as soon as I saw it, the same sharp lines, the conflicting styles, the dramatic brush strokes, it was the piece he had been working on the day I had left his house, but the bright colors had been painted over with dark and foreboding shades of grey.

I stood in front of that painting for an hour, memorizing every brush stroke, reliving the feelings that had ripped through my soul as I remembered those two weeks with Ray, sunset on the pier, sipping scotch on his back porch, that kiss, they were all there, every one of them. It was all I could do to keep the pain in my heart from breaking through, I took a deep breath letting out a heavy sigh.

"Excuse me, you seem to be rather taken with this work," it was the young man from the front door, "it is very moving, isn't it?"

"You have no idea. Is the artist here?" I asked softly.

"No, I'm sorry, he's not, he's a bit of a recluse these days. He usually stops by toward the end of the evening to see how things went; I can't promise but that would be your best chance at meeting him if you can wait that long." I just smiled and nodded.

"How much?" I asked, my voice almost a whisper. The young man beamed at me as I readily paid what he asked before giving them shipping instructions, deciding I would wait all night if that's what it took to see Ray again, and maybe even get him to talk to me.

Roger had come by one last time, I told him to just head back to the hotel without me, I'd get my own cab, admitting I really wanted to meet the artist. He nodded heading for the door.

The crowd thinned as I had learned just about all there was to know about the cute young girl serving the wine at the bar, when I saw Ray come in through the back I froze, our eyes locked for an instant, he turned running out the same way he had come in. I tried to follow but gallery security stopped me at the door, "Please," I half begged, but they had their orders.

Back at the hotel, all I wanted to do was disappear, so I went to the bar with full intent of having the concierge or security pour me into my room at some point in the not-too-distant future. Every emotion I had worked so hard to bury was fresh, the wounds raw, my soul bare, my heart shattered all over again, and then there he was, sitting at the bar, his face in his hands, an untouched drink on the bar in front of him; he was sobbing quietly.

"Ray," I put my hand on his shoulder.

"How are you here? Why are you here?" his tear-filled eyes met mine, "I thought I'd never see you again after you just left like that, I called and called and you never answered, then there you were at the baseball game, and at my show, how..."

"Because it's meant to be, whatever it is, it's meant to be," I reached up, placed my hands on his cheeks wiping the tears from his eyes with my thumbs, "I love you Ray, I think I always have. God help me, I don't know what to do about it, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want it to end like my parent's, like my brother, I was so afraid of failing I couldn't bring myself to give us a chance. I know how wrong I was, I've been torturing myself ever since I got home. I tried to call, so many times I tried to call, but didn't know what to say, I know I love you and I think, god no, I pray, you feel the same way. Please forgive me."

I didn't hesitate, with my hands still on his cheeks, I lowered my lips to his kissing him softly. When his hands joined mine, when I felt the tenderness in his kiss, I knew that he still loved me too. A wonderful warmth coursed through my body as our lips parted and I saw it, the mix of love, confusion, and fear in his eyes, gently kissing him again, I sat down next to him stealing a sip of his scotch, getting a smile as my reward.

"I'm so sorry too, I've loved you for so long and I never thought you could ever feel the same way. When I found you on the pier, I decided we could just be friends, but you stayed, and I knew I couldn't do that. When you kissed me, oh my god you kissed me, and told me you had to leave, I was both elated and crushed at the same time. I wanted you so badly and thought I could never have you; I didn't know what to do either, I couldn't be around you and not be with you so, I let you go. I should have done more than just call a few times leaving those messages, I should have come after you, can you forgive me?"

He was asking me to forgive him, after what I did, he was asking me to forgive him, I didn't say anything, I just kissed him again. The bar erupted in applause. When our lips parted, the bartender was crying, the other people at the bar were crying, there may not have been a dry eye in the place, "that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen," the bartender was wiping his eyes when he set a double scotch on the bar in front of me, "I've got your tab, you two just talk, ok?"

And talk we did, we didn't drink much but we talked until he ran us out of the bar, moving up to Ray's suite holding hands, kissing sweetly, admiring, touching, exploring, and experiencing each other as we got undressed. There would be no sex tonight, we just nestled close, emotionally exhausted.

"You know, I don't even know your name," Ray spooned behind me.

"Christian Xavier Anderson," I whispered as I nestled into his embrace.

"Raymond Allen Childers," he answered just before we fell asleep in each other's arms.

Waking up next to Ray was magic, my whole world was new again. I didn't have a clue what came next, and I didn't care, I knew it would be with Ray, it would be with Ray and that was all that mattered. I watched him sleep for a while before my bladder forced me to leave him for just a few minutes. He was awake lying on his back with his arms behind his head, his smooth bare chest just exposed when I came out of the bathroom, "good morning," his smile filled my soul as I leapt into the bed, burying my lips in his.

"I just want to...," He was trying to apologize so I kissed him to shut him up. Every time he tried to say something, I kissed him again until we both started laughing. He pushed me away running across the room to the bathroom, "next time I'm just going to pee on you, "he laughed again. I just watched as his naked butt jiggled across the room, licking my lips as he slowly walked back.

Ray climbed onto the bed like a big cat stalking its prey, moving up over my legs until he straddled me, leaning down, kissing me, driving his tongue deep into my mouth as our bodies melded together into a single mass of passion. My hands explored his back and sides as his moved over my chest, the passionate dance our tongues were enjoying eliciting moans of pleasure.

Slowly he pulled his lips from mine, diving into my neck, covering everything from my ear to my collar bone with licks, nibbles, and kisses before he slowly, delicately, ever so gently, kissed his way down my chest to my nipple, biting me sharply, causing me to gasp, my cock engorged, my mind lost in the passion of the moment.

Ray's hand found my erection, slowly starting to fondle it, running his fingers lightly up and down my shaft, stopping to fondle my balls as he kissed and nibbled on one nipple and then the other. I could feel myself start to leak, I could hear myself moaning, my body was lost to me, it was his to do with as he pleased, whatever it was, I wanted it.

A trail of wet kisses was all that was left as his lips and tongue made their way down my stomach, stopping to tease me, exploring my navel before continuing their way to my aching manhood.

"I think I'm ready for my audition," Ray smiled up at me as I moaned something incoherent, his tongue drawing a wet line from my balls to my glans before he took me all the way down his throat. What happened next was indescribable, he did things to me I didn't know where possible, his lips, his tongue, hell, even his teeth brought me pleasure. Bringing me to the edge again and again, holding me there, making me beg for release, only to back off starting all over again.

When his fingers slid between my cheeks pressing gently against my rose, I knew the time was close, one, then two, finally three fingers thrust in and out of my ass, massaging my prostate as his lips kissed up and down my cock.

"My god Ray, please," I begged.

Finally, he took me back in his mouth, sliding his tongue under my shaft, pressing it against the roof of his mouth, it felt better than any pussy I had ever enjoyed. I could feel it growing again, that feeling, intense, powerful, overwhelming, there was nothing I could have done to stop it if I had wanted to and that was the last thing I could imagine wanting. Ray pressed with his fingers taking me all the way down his throat, my body arched, my muscles locking as spasms and tremors ripped through me, my cock pulsing as I erupted. I couldn't move.

"So?" he kissed the tip of my softening soldier, smiling down at me as I slowly regained my faculties.

"Julie who?" I pulled him to me kissing him hard.

"You're going to teach me how to do that for you, right?" I giggled as he nestled next to me.

"You can count on it, in fact, are you ready for your first lesson?" he rolled onto his back as I lifted myself up on one arm, admiring his taught smooth body and his raging hard on, letting my hand run up and down his chest, catching his nipples between my fingers, giving them a pinch, then a tweak before I caught the first dribbles of precum from his tip with my finger, bringing it to my mouth and tasting it.

I didn't know if I was more nervous or excited as I started to explore Ray's body. I let my hand wander over his taught stomach and his chest as my tongue and lips teased his neck and my teeth nipped at his ear lobes.

"Take your time, this is as much for you as for me," his gentle hands caressed my cheek.

I thought about all the women I had been with, I thought about the things I had done to tease them, all the little places I had kissed and nipped and nuzzled to enhance their pleasure, wondering if the same would be true for Ray. I admired his body, noticing how he was completely smooth from his face to his toes, not even a shadow of a beard, I'd have to ask him about that sometime, but now, I had more important things to worry about.

"I've never looked at a man like this before, you're absolutely beautiful," I smiled at him.

"I'm glad you approve," he made his cock jump, giggling at me.

"Yes, even him," I caught myself giggling too.

Sitting on his knees, I ran my hands from his thighs to his shoulders, taking in the delicate softness of his skin, making note of the hard muscles underneath that soft exterior. Finding his breasts, I massaged them with my hands, catching his nipples between my fingers, pinching them lightly, when he moaned, I pinched them harder, he moaned louder, I tweaked them between my thumb and index finger," oh shit, Chris, yes," he closed his eyes letting out a loud sigh. I leaned down kissing them, drawing sloppy wet circles around them with my tongue before biting them, I felt his cock pulse underneath me.

My lips found their way up to his neck leaving a trail of kisses and nibbles across his collar bone, stopping briefly to leave him a small hickey before my caresses found the lobe of his ear. More biting, more moans, my tongue plunging deep into the ear canal, all tricks I had used on the women I had loved, Ray responded just as they had.

My confidence level was growing as I continued to explore, retracing my path to his breasts, biting his nipples while my hand slid down his stomach, my fingers wrapping around his erection for the first time. It felt so alien, yet so familiar as I began to slowly stroke and fondle him.

"Are you sure you've never done this before?" Ray pulled my face up to his kissing me hard, "you are making me crazy," I smiled, kissing him again before I went back to work.

"Now you made me lose my place, I guess I have to start all over," I gave a nipple a hard tweak and grinned at him.

"Oh fuck," he closed his eyes rolling his head back as a loud sigh escaped his mouth.

The joy of bringing my lover pleasure was familiar even if the targets of my attention were a little different, I thought that maybe I was avoiding the ultimate prize by focusing on Ray's ears, neck and breasts, but his reactions told me he was enjoying what I was doing, so I went back to what I knew, hoping that when I got to the unfamiliar territory, recollections of what I had enjoyed being done to me would be enough.