Cleaning Up Her Heart

Nicki dropped her eyes because he was right. "Nicki, don't be embarrassed. Please look at me." Nicki couldn't raise her eyes, so Gabriel lifted her chin toward him. Again her eyes were shut and tears were streaming down her face, just like the day before when he had first kissed her.

Gabriel longed to kiss her again, but he wouldn't stop if he did and this was important. "Nicki, I'm not going away. Please open your eyes. Let me see into your soul."

Nicki finally forced her eyes open and Gabriel was right there. He was true to his word, he really wasn't gone away, physically or emotionally. Nicki couldn't believe the love in his eyes. They just sat there for several minutes, drinking in the depths of each other's soul.

"The timing isn't right anymore, Gabriel," Nicki whispered.

"No, Nicki, the timing is perfect, just not for sex. I've never felt more loving in my life than I do at this moment. You didn't make a mistake, baby, you just took us to a much deeper level quicker than I ever could have. You are so much more than I ever hoped for."

Gabriel realized that standing up and putting on clothes right now would feel like a rejection to Nicki. So instead, he stood up and pulled her up with him. He took her hand and walked over to his closet. Fortunately he had two house robes. He had never worn either one and had seriously considered giving them away. But, at this moment, he was truly glad that he had not. He pulled one onto his own body, not bothering to close it and then wrapped Nicki in the other. She looked like a little girl, all cute and snuggly - A little girl!!! Gabriel groaned as he remembered his earlier dilemma.

"Nicki, we have to talk," Gabriel moaned again.

"I thought we were doing a pretty good job of talking," Nicki answered, confusion written all over her face.

"No, not about us. Well, sort of about us. But not really. . ."

"Gabriel, you're not making a lot of sense. What's are you talking about?" Nicki asked.

Gabriel sat down heavily on the edge of his bed, "Oh, Nicki, my daughter is coming."

"Is this her week-end?" Nicki asked, still confused.

"No, no, no, she's coming to live with me . . . permanently."

Gabriel's body was tense as he was steeling himself for the worst. Nicki's face cleared up and she began laughing at him. "Honey, that's wonderful! When did you find out? When do you get her? Is she coming tonight?"

Gabriel's head was spinning with all of Nicki's questions. But more importantly, he was shocked at her response. "You don't mind that Mandy's coming to live with me?" Gabriel asked, somewhat stupidly.

Nicki stopped in mid-sentence and looked at him with a slightly taken aback look, "Mind? Why would I mind?"

Gabriel looked sheepish and answered, "I thought you might not want a kid around."

"Not want a kid? Are you kidding? I love kids! And she's already in the best stage - no diapers or toilet training - just boys and school and all those problems that go along with growing up! I'm so excited for you!" Nicki said, enthusaistically.

"Wait a minute - you're excited for me? What about us? I really don't want this to mess us up, but I just can't pass up the chance to have my daughter," Gabriel said, feeling his heart in his throat.

Again, Nicki laughed, "Honey, if you still want me, I'm yours. Daughter or no daughter. I just think that having your beautiful daughter around is going to be an added benefit. Maybe we can't make out in the shower everyday, but she will spend the night at friend's houses occasionally. And if I can ever convince you to bed me, maybe we can have sex the whole time she's gone!"

Gabriel's mind was racing. He couldn't believe this was happening. Here he was sitting on his bed with a half naked, beautiful woman standing between his legs. A woman that he was rapidly falling deeper and deeper in love with, who was willing to share her life with him and his daughter. He would never have believed it was possible 24 hours ago. But Nicki was real, she was here and she was his. He was suddenly choked up by all of the emotions that were running through his body. He hadn't felt close to anyone in so long and now, his world was becoming more complete by the moment. Nicki wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him into her chest as he cried. She stroked his hair and murmured calming words of security and assurance. When he finally managed to pull his emotions together, he looked up at her. She was so cute right there above his face.

Seeing her and feeling her so close caused his emotions to go from somber to mischievous in a flash. He ducked his head and stuck his tongue in her belly button. Nicki squealed and tried to get away, but Gabriel had his arms around her too tightly. He continued to nip at her with his ticklish beard stubble as she squirmed and wiggled. However, just as he was beginning to get really aroused by her, the phone rang. He groaned as she took advantage of his distraction and jumped out of his arms, wrapping her borrowed robe around her body like a queen.

"Mr. Matthews, I suggest that you answer that!" Nicki stated as she whisked away into the bathroom.

Gabriel's smile of satisfaction quickly drained from his face as he heard his ex-wife's voice on the other end of the line. She was, yet again, yelling at him. Only this time, she was telling him that he could come get his daughter right now or the deal was off. Gabriel didn't have it in him to argue with her, besides he wouldn't risk losing Mandy. "I'll be there in 10 minutes," Gabriel said and hung the phone up.

Nicki came out of the bathroom with her clothes on. Gabriel looked at her. "I have to go get Mandy. Her mom's throwing her out. Do you want to come?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world! Let's go get our girl!"

Gabriel raised his eyebrow at the comment, but Nicki was already headed for the door. He yelled after her, "I think I'll wear some clothes!" But she was already opening the garage door and didn't hear him.

The ride to his ex-wife's house only took about 5 minutes, but by the time they got there, Mandy was already in the yard with her stuff. Her mom was on the porch looking fit to be tied. Gabriel got out of the car and headed toward his ex-wife.

When the woman started yelling at Gabriel, Nicki popped open the trunk from inside, jumped out of the car and started grabbing Mandy's things. "Hi Mandy, I'm a friend of your dad's. Let's get this stuff in the car."

Mandy turned her tear stained face toward her as if in a daze. "You're dad's friend?" Mandy asked, as if not really comprehending what she was saying.

"Yeah, honey, I am." Nicki didn't know Gabriel's ex-wife from Adam, but at that moment, she would have loved to have torn her apart for hurting this beautiful child so deeply. It only took a minute for Nicki to get the stuff into the trunk, but the names that Mandy's mom called Mandy during that few moments were enough to make Nicki livid. She put her arms around Mandy and guided her to the car, climbing into the back seat with her. She shut the door and, although they could still hear the argument outside, at least inside the car the words were so muffled they were unintelligible.

Mandy burst into tears as they settled in and Nicki just held her. She stroked the girl's hair and murmured words to her, similar to the ones she had murmured to Gabriel earlier. Nicki watched as Gabriel kept trying to end the conversation. But his ex-wife was intent on saying her fill. Finally, she took a step inside and slammed the door.

Gabriel's shoulders sagged in relief. He turned around to find Mandy and Nicki and was surprised that they were already in the car, along with Mandy's stuff. He had been too intent on his ex to notice anything else. Mandy had her head in Nicki's lap and Nicki was holding her like a real mother would. Gabriel was so glad Nicki was with him. It had to be good for Mandy to see what a real woman would act like. Hell, it was good for him to see what a real woman would act like. Nicki was definitely an important part of who Gabriel wanted to be now.

Gabriel wanted to assure Mandy that everything was going to be alright, but he also realized that his ex-wife's driveway wasn't the best place to spend any more time than was necessary. He got in the driver's seat, turned around and petted Mandy's hair for a moment, then backed away from the house.

The ride home was in silence except for the occasional sound of Mandy trying to get her breath back after sobbing so hard. When they pulled up to the house, Nicki briefly thought that she might ought to leave the father and daughter alone for the night. But the look in Gabriel's eyes begged her not to leave him. So she helped Mandy out of the car and into the living room. They sat together on the couch as Gabriel brought in Mandy's stuff and took it to her room.

Mandy and Nicki didn't speak, but Mandy held onto Nicki for dear life. It was as though she felt she had found a life raft in a stormy sea. When Gabriel came back to the room, he pulled a chair over in front of the two females and sat down on the edge of it. This put him in close proximity and Mandy shuttered. He frowned at that and said, "Honey, what's wrong? You know I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you."

"You heard what mom said. You know what I did. You're going to throw me out to and you're going to hate me," Mandy wailed.

Gabriel chuckled, "Honey, I would never throw you out, and, to tell the truth, I couldn't understand half of the words your mom was yelling. Had she been drinking again?"

Mandy looked up at him with fear in her eyes, but Nicki also saw determination, "Yeah. But Dad it's not her fault. You see, she caught me. . . she caught me and . . . " Mandy took a deep breath, "She caught me and Mark in bed together, Daddy. It put her over the edge. She said she had to have a drink to keep from killing me."

Gabriel's anger was evident in his eyes. Nicki wondered for a brief moment who he was angry at, because if he raised a hand to this child, Nicki herself would take him out at that precise instant. But Gabriel's next words put her worries to rest. "Mandy, your mom doesn't need a reason to drink, but she sure takes every opportunity she has. Now, let's talk about you. I know this is hard, and probably a little embarrassing to talk to your dad about. But I need to understand what you and Mark were doing in bed. Were you having sex Mandy? Were you fooling around? Was this the first time? Did Mark force himself on you? Are you - ".

Gabriel stopped in mid-sentence as Nicki put her hand on his arm to interrupt him, "Gab, let her answer one question at a time, ok?"

Mandy almost managed to stifle her giggle as she looked up at Nicki, who was still holding her, "Yeah, Dad, listen to her!"

Gabriel laughed at himself and said, "Look, you're my little girl and I am in way over my head here!" The three of them all laughed for a moment before they got serious again. But now the tension had been broken and the air was clearer.

"No Dad, we weren't have sex, well, I guess maybe sorta. I don't really know what you call it."

Nicki broke in, "Mandy, if it wasn't intercourse, I think you and I can discuss the rest of it later when your dad's not around so you don't have to be so embarrassed. First, your dad is just wanting to make sure you weren't taking any physical risks that would result in you getting pregnant or getting an STD."

"NO! We weren't doing THAT!" Mandy exclaimed.

Gabriel breathed a sigh of relief, "Ok, good. Now, what I'm most worried about is that you weren't doing something because you thought you had to. Curiosity is one thing, but fooling around to get a guy to like you more, or to get him to do something for you is another. I don't ever want you to feel like you have to use sex to make someone think you are special - you are special just the way you are."

Gabriel's eyes locked with Nicki's over Mandy's head. Nicki understood that he was telling her that he understood her own struggle. Not only was he willing to help her face her own fears, he was willing to do whatever it took to keep his own child from having to go through the same thing. Nicki was deeply touched by his compassion.

Mandy raised her head off of Nicki's shoulder. "I don't know, Dad. I really like Mark, but I feel like maybe I'm trying to use him to get something he can't give me. It's a weird feeling. Does that make any sense?"

Her dad smiled, "It makes loads of sense. And until that feeling is cleared up a little, I'd like for you and Mark to put the brakes on your physical relationship."

"You mean I can see him again?" Mandy asked, obviously startled.

"Do you want to see him again? I just assumed that you must like the guy to have ended up in your room in bed with him. If you don't want to see him again, I can make sure that he never comes around you again."

Gabriel sounded like a daddy bear off to take out anyone who hurt his cub. Mandy laughed out loud, "I DO like him daddy, but mom said I could never see him again. In fact, she mentioned boarding school, but she didn't think you could afford it."

Gabriel snorted, "Boarding school! Honey, we'll work this out. If you want to see Mark, I have no objections unless he isn't willing to abide by your request to work out your relationship before you take it farther. Then I'll have to wring his neck!"

Again, Mandy laughed at her daddy. Then she threw herself into his arms and hugged him tightly. She settled down on his lap and looked over at Nicki on the couch. "Daddy, don't you think it's about time to introduce me to your friend?"

Nicki and Gabriel burst out laughing. "Yeah, I think it's about time, you little snip! This is Nicki Marsh."

"Nicki Marsh? I think Nicki Matthews sounds better, Daddy."

"You impertinent child! Give a man a chance!"

"Nicki, if he doesn't ask you properly soon, let me know and I'll wear him down!" Mandy said with a wink. Turning back to her dad, she said, "Daddy, can I go call Mark and let him know what happened? Mom threw him out right before she called you and the last thing that he heard was her threatening to kill me."

"Go on and give the boy a call. But if you need me to straighten him out, just let me know!" Gabriel said as he swatted her on the backside.

"Score one for the Daddy!" Nicki said as soon as Mandy was out of earshot. Gabriel turned a questioning eye toward her. "You handled that very well. I don't think you are going to have any trouble being a full time Daddy."

Gabriel nodded, although he didn't feel as confident as Nicki was. He couldn't believe that his first big hurdle had been sex. But then again, when you are 14, what else is there? For that matter, what else is there when you are 40? 40? God, how old was Nicki? He didn't have a clue. "Nicki, um, hum, I don't even know how old you are."

Nicki laughed a short laugh and smiled at him, "I'm 29."

"29! Oh, my God! 29! I'm old enough to be your father - well, not literally, but I'm ancient compared to you! 29! Oh, God!"

"Get a grip big guy. I like my men old enough to know what they want out of life, ok? And so far, you haven't disappointed me with any of your older bodily functions," Nicki said as she slid off the couch and sat down in his lap like Mandy had. She ground her hips into his crotch and felt the responding hardening of his cock. "See what I mean? It all still seems to work just fine!" Gabriel responded by kissing her.

They were still lip locked when Mandy returned. "Guys! No wonder mom threw me out - that's gross!"

Gabriel and Nicki looked amusedly at Mandy. "How's Mark?" asked Gabriel.

"Really glad that I have a new address! I asked him to come over here and meet you two so we could all talk and clear the air. He's really nervous, but he's coming over. Maybe he could have supper with us? Pizza?" Mandy said, hopefully.

"I smell a trap here", Gabriel said looking over at Nicki. "I think I have been set up just to get pizza!"

"DAD!" Mandy whined and Gabriel laughed as he went to order the pizza.

Supper was interesting, to say the least. Mark was as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof to start with, but as supper arrived and he realized that Gabriel wasn't going to kill him, he calmed down. He and Mandy made a cute couple, full of youthful energy and stories. The four of them sat around and laughed for an hour after they ate.

Mark finally said that he had better get home, he had homework to do. Mandy walked him to the door, and Nicki pulled Gabriel away so they could have a moment to kiss good night.

"What are you doing?" Gabriel demanded as Nicki drug him across the room.

"Give them a chance to say good night," Nicki whispered.

"They were saying good night just fine," Gabriel protested.

"Good night like this," Nicki replied as she grabbed the back of Gabriel's head and pulled her to him in a passionate kiss.

Finally Gabriel realized what she was talking about and gave himself over to her kiss. As he raised his head, he looked down into Nicki's face and said, "Well, not exactly like that or I'm going to have to castrate the boy!"

Mandy turned the corner just in time to see them start to kiss again. "Is that all you two ever do? I'm going to have a sibling if you two don't stop it!"

"Mandy!" both Gabriel and Nicki yelled at the same time.

Mandy just giggled and ran from the room in mock fear. "I'm going to do my homework, so I can go shopping tomorrow," she yelled back over her shoulder.

Gabriel moaned, "Shopping? Oh God, she's a full-fledged woman!"

Nicki mock punched him in the arm. Of course, then she had to kiss it better.

It was well after 10:00 before they all decided to call it a night. Nicki left the two of them alone and drove back to her own house. Just yesterday she had laughed at how similar her house was to Gabriel's. But now, her house didn't feel very much like the house she had just left. Suddenly she realized why - Gabriel's house wasn't like her's anymore. His house was filled with love now - it was a home. And not just any home - it felt like her home.

Sleep was elusive that night, as Nicki sat by her upstairs window and watched the rain pour down. She usually was lulled to sleep by the sound, but tonight it just soothed the path for her thoughts. She was in love with Gabriel. She didn't really know if he loved her or not, but she hoped he did. He seemed to. In fact, he seemed to love her more than anyone she had ever known. He had refused to take her up on her offer of her body, instead preferring her "nephish" - her psycho-spiritual totality. He wanted HER, body and soul. That was hard for her to grasp.

There was a voice inside Nicki's head saying that if she were only pretty enough he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from having sex with her. But there was a louder voice saying that it had been pretty obvious that he found her desirable and that he had withheld for noble reasons.

Maybe tonight she would listen to that voice. Maybe, just for tonight, she would believe that she was someone sexy and attractive - someone that a man could fall in love with. Maybe, just for tonight, she could integrate the persons she knew herself to be - one feisty sexual tiger and one sweet, lovable kittycat - into a whole. Maybe, just for tonight, she would believe that there was a man out there who could see both and want it all. Someone who thought she was beautiful. Someone who saw her face and believed that she was made for him. Someone who compared her to other women and found her to be the most appealing. Someone who longed to lose himself in her body - to touch her flesh and not imagine her a different shape or size, with a different face or voice. Someone who wanted to spend the rest of his life proud to be her mate. Yeah, maybe she could believe that, just for tonight. (At least that was a start!)