Cliche Ch. 04

Eight days later we received a certified copy of the CSA back from the relevant agency, stating that it passed their guidelines and a copy had been forwarded to the Family Court. We already had agreed copies of the other two legal documents, we just needed to sign them and get our signatures witnessed. Julie wanted her friend, Cheryl as witness, I wanted my best friend, Karen. It was my suggestion we make the signing ceremony a type of wake, with drinks and nibbles.

Thus, the following Friday found Julie, Karen, Cheryl, and I sitting at our kitchen table with glasses of champagne. Karen didn't socialise much but was reading the agreements in their manila folder. When she'd finished, she caught my eye and raised an eyebrow. I maintained a neutral expression. Shortly after that, Cheryl accidently knocked over my third glass of champagne. It ran across the table and spilled into Julie's lap. She jumped up, cursing, while Cheryl and Karen raced to the sink to get a cloth. Cheryl apologised while Julie went to get changed. When things had settled down, everyone concerned signed both agreements.

The next day I delivered them to the family court. We were both a little surprised when we were summoned to the dissolution hearing. We'd both been advised this wasn't a requirement. That's why we were both sitting in front of a judge six weeks later.

He explained that as this was a 'pro se' case, that is, no lawyers were involved, he was scrutinising it thoroughly to make sure due process had been followed. He confirmed that we'd both signed the agreements freely and without duress, after laboriously reading each title. He then entered all four documents into the record and issued the degree nisi. We would be automatically divorced in thirty days with no objections. He ended the process by congratulating us on a fine example of an amicable, non-confrontational ending to our union.

I spent the next month spending time with the kids and compiling a list of apartments for rent. On the 32^nd day I rang the court to confirm there were no objections. I invited Karen to join Julie and I in another celebration. Again, we were sitting in the kitchen with champagne.

"Well, Julie, here's to sixteen wonderful years and two great kids."

We chinked glasses.

"Here is a list of available apartments for rent, Julie. When are you leaving?"

I'd seen it on cartoons, but never thought I'd see it in real life. Julie's mouthful of champagne sprayed across the table.

"What the hell?"

"You'll have to get a modest one. With your salary, paying $1,200 a fortnight in child support won't leave you with a great deal."

I threw copies of the court certified agreements across to her. She was ashen faced as she tore open the folder and read. Primary caregiver, David Brown to stay in the family home, child support $1,200 per fortnight payable by Julie Brown, visitation two days every fourteen.

"I bet you're starting to regret bumping the child support from the $900 that the formula indicated to the $1,200 your greed substituted, aren't you? Yes, I was tapping your phone calls to Cheryl. That's how I heard you laughing when you told her that I had 'forgotten' to stipulate that the house be sold when our youngest reached eighteen. Your greed knew no bounds, did it?"

"But the kids..."

"If you'd done some proper research, rather than just looking at the Melbourne School of Advanced Lesbianism, you would know that boys of Pete and Mick's age don't need a mother as much as they need a strong father figure. For the record, Julie, I considered my obligation to you ended as soon as you allowed that shithead what you'd promised to me only. After that, I simply had to choose between two mutually exclusive options, harmony or pride. I chose pride but swallowed it long enough to lull you into trusting me enough to exclude lawyers from our life. I also had two other choices. Did I want to show my sons how two people that used to love each other ended a relationship nicely? I must say that was tempting. Or did I want to teach them about justice. That when one person breaches the other's trust, badly, bad things happen to them. Guess which one I chose, Julie?"

I let Julie digest all this. I watched her turmoil change to determination.

"I'll fight this, you prick."

"Good luck with that. You signed all the documents in front of two witnesses. You stood in front of a judge and attested to them. Remember, Julie, if you lose, you get to pay all costs. Do you really want to start the rest of your life with nothing?"

"I have witnesses. Cheryl and Karen will attest to me being tricked."

We both looked at Karen. This was the weak point in my plan. Karen had no idea what I'd done. She looked discomfited, but not for long.

"How did my marriage end, Julie? Do you honestly think I would ever side with a cheater?"

Seeing her total defeat, Julie just seemed to mentally collapse. It wasn't a nice sight. It might have hurt me if I didn't vividly remember the effort I'd had to expend pretending to still respect her over the last few months. The fact she was willing to consign me to the poor house while she sat back in comparative luxury, helped as well. She finally rallied slightly.

"But I trusted you, Dave."

"And once upon a time I trusted you as well. I guess we both fucked up. Now please get out of my house. You can still use the half of our money that's still in the bank account. Let me know which two days you want the boys the week after next."

I left to go back to Karen's house with her.

"You sneaky little bastard. You swapped folders when that glass of champagne was knocked over, didn't you? What would you have done if Cheryl hadn't been so clumsy?"

"I refuse to answer your first question on the grounds it will tend to incriminate me. But, as to your second question, I will say if Cheryl hadn't done it, I might have been a bit clumsy myself."

"Righto. Well. I'm glad you did something. I was starting to lose respect for you when I thought you were just rolling over."

"Come on, Karen, you know me better than that."

"Yes, I'm sorry. Um, now you're officially not married any more, I would like to get to know you even better."

"I'd like that."

THE END

I did confirm with a lawyer that this scenario was plausible. Sure, he is a defence attorney from the states, not a divorce lawyer from Australia, but what the heck. Thanks B.

PLEASE, don't be a boring prick and point out what probably would have happened in reality. THIS IS FICTION, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE REALISTIC!

Yes, the bit about Australian males and cars is true for the older generation.

NOW LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.

The following jokes was provided by member JohnChild, thanks John.

Two hillbillies are drinking in a bar.

One says, "If I give your missus a baby, will it make us kin?"

The other thinks and says, "No, just even."