Close to the Edge

"Before you go give me your number since you're here now." She walked over to me, she fixed my hair, she smiled. "For the time you will be free." She seemed quite nice, beautiful, maybe I was being silly.

I gave it to her. She was too pretty to say no to anyway. I said sorry, goodbye, and thank you for some reason, I covered all the bases. Then I walked further out towards the hills, the clouds, I followed the scent of honeydew and chlorine. I came upon a pool, it was all lit up, very large but empty. A spotlight glowing like the moon in the water.

I looked around, I was by myself, I pointed, "One day I want to be sitting right there in a bikini, please." And then I giggled. Why couldn't I have grown up as one of the pretty women at this party, why couldn't I have been lucky enough to be a beautiful female with beautiful eyes? Why did I have to be the one who looked in the mirror and saw a male, even when I had on mascara and blush? I sat down on a long lounge chair. I was so tired, I felt so disoriented, I shook my head and watched the soothing water, the bright lights. The pool was so lovely, soothing, the air smelled so good, there was mint and basil nearby overpowering the chlorine. I was so relaxed, I started to sob, just a little, nothing out of the ordinary, just a few tears leaving my blue eyes. Sometimes, I cried for no reason, and sometimes the reason was so unimaginative I made believe I just wasn't paying attention. Maybe someone else was crying nearby. But I sat by this pool looking semi-beautiful and I cried.

The moon was out, the clouds looked like mountains. I could slightly hear the music coming from the house, I couldn't imagine I was that far away. I couldn't believe the property was that big.

"Are you okay?" I jumped, my fingers on my chest. I felt familiar hands on my shoulders. I stopped crying, I sniffed, maybe I was hungry or lost, maybe I was missing the party, maybe I should talk to Farrell.

He sat down next to me, he moved the hair out of my face. He leaned in and we kissed, it was everything that I loved about this world. A handsome man, with dark brown eyes, strong hands, thick wrists was kissing me. I didn't deserve a man like this. One with friends, one with a fun fascinating grandmother. One who gave me wonderful orgasms. Why was I bothering him? Why wasn't he dating one of the rich beautiful starlets at this party? Maybe one of the women who were fondling my legs.

"Farrell?"

"Mmm," He was still kissing me, his hands were on my breasts. I knew if I put my hands on him, he would be hard. I knew he found me attractive, I suddenly thought he was crazy.

"Farrell, I have to tell you something, my friend said I should bring it up tonight."

He stopped kissing me, he pulled my legs onto his, like the women before him did. He started rubbing them. He started playing with my heels. I felt his fingertips on my ankle.

"Farrell there is something I have to tell you, um, I'm gender fluid, transgender." I put my head down, I leaned closer to him, his fingers stopped playing on my legs.

"What, your trans?"

"Yes, transgender?" I didn't even know what to say, how do you even tell anyone this, it's such a vague and strange conversation to be having. And why did it have to come up, I didn't really understand the significance of it sometimes. You didn't blurt out that you were a Dodgers or Raiders fan, you didn't automatically give the date of your birthday. And you certainly never told anyone you were male or female, but once lines got blurred you had to come clean. And why would some people think it was a negative thing, personally I thought it was quite wonderful, it was a wonderful way to be.

Sometimes.

I felt him move my legs, I felt him stand up, I saw him and then he moved away, I saw the clouds, only the outlines now, it was dark. I was alone, I only smelled chlorine. The pool lights went off.

*

I listened hard for some music, I sought of scrunched myself up, hidden, hidden on the white lounge chair in the dark yard. It was cooler out, I pulled my legs up and held them in my arms. My face on my knees, I started to cry again, this time for different reasons. Deep down I knew it wouldn't last, couldn't last. It was just a little dream, an incredible little fantasy, just a big unexpected accident. Now he was gone, he left so quickly, he didn't even talk to me about it. I wanted to tell him how much I enjoyed being with him, how much I loved fixing my makeup in my rearview mirror right before I saw him, how much I loved it when he held my hand and I met his friends. How much I loved feeding him jelly beans. But I didn't, he didn't let me. I couldn't understand how he could come into my life just to break my heart.

I looked at my watch, it was so late, it was after 2 AM. I had to somehow get changed, somehow take off my makeup and enter my apartment as a male. The world would think I looked different, but I would feel exactly the same. I would still be the exact same person with the exact same emptiness in my chest.

I decided I was going to sit with the group of men and women behind me again, let them fondle my legs, I needed someone to be nice to me. I stood up, I couldn't remember where they were, there was no one there, no one behind me. I went back to the bar, with all the food and lights, it was empty, there were empty cans and cups all over the tables. I went back into the house. Thank god there were still people inside, it was starting to feel like a dream. Maybe Farrell kissed me and said 'That's okay.' or 'Is that somewhere in Europe?' or maybe he just stayed with me and played with my hair, made me feel special, made me feel like life was going to get a little bit better.

"Hey. Pasadena."

I turned around, I was startled it was the man in the 'Rolling Stones' shirt,

"Hi, have you seen Mel? I'm going to say goodbye."

He smiled at me, "She's definitely in bed, not sleeping but in bed." He smiled a little bigger.

"Oh, okay, goodnight then, thank you for the wine it was lovely."

"Sure, hold on, take some home with you." He walked away and came back with a box, a full case. "Here you go, all different kinds."

"Ooh, I'm going to get a cab or bus or something, I don't know if I will be able to hold this in my heels." I meant to say hands but I think I was being cute, I showed my teeth.

"Well, I'll drive you, Pasadena is on the way home." He still held the case of wine and I followed him out. I said goodnight to whomever I passed. I wanted them to remember me, I wanted them to remember I once went to this party with a man. I had a boyfriend, I once had on this great red dress.

*

"Mel says she likes my Blush better than any other Blushes. I think that's the only reason I get invited to her parties." He laughed, he moved his head a lot looking for cars behind him, he was constantly in flux, shifting, he was constantly looking for the Rolling Stones on his radio. His name was Dante, he had olive skin, olive eyes, and a deep rich voice. The car resonated from the bass of his laugh.

"She likes when you blush?"

"Ha, that's my Rosé, from the vineyard. It's not quite white and it's not quite red." He shrugged, we turned into the mall parking lot. "It's kinda both. Some people like both, I know I do." We drove some more getting closer to my parking lot, my parking spot. "What's your favorite Rolling Stones song?"

"Um, 'She's A Rainbow."

"That was quick, almost like you were ready for me to ask." He laughed, his voice rattled the window and pine air freshener.

"Well, I like to be prepared." I smiled, I wasn't lying, I did like to be prepared. "What's yours?"

"Memory Hotel." And he started to sing, there was more rattling. 'She got a mind of her own, And she use it well, yeah.' Ha just like you."

I pointed to my car, he watched my long nails, and then pulled right next to the car. It was still red, it was all alone. "Thank you, Dante," We got out and he put the case of wine in the back seat. Sat it right next to the bag with my boy clothes.

He spied my collection of brushes and lotions and makeup on my passenger seat. "I will have to make you an island for your things, a woman should look organized. She doesn't have to be, but she should give the impression of it." He laughed and he asked for my phone number. I was thinking what does he mean by an island? Maybe he just wanted my number, it was nice, I was more than happy to give it to him, he was probably only a couple of years older than me, he was quite handsome and he liked The Rolling Stones. I decided I would tell him I am transgender over the phone.

"Thank you again. I wish I had something to give you, maybe I can send customers over to buy more of your wine?"

"That would be fine, make sure they mention Pasadena for a 20% discount." He chuckled and watched me put on my seat belt under my breasts, start the car.

I looked up at him, "Make sure you invite me to your vineyard too, I have never been to one before. No one ever took me." I smiled once more and drove away.

The night ended okay, considering. I started thinking about Farrell, I thought he really liked me, but he left so fast. I didn't like that, maybe he wasn't the man I imagined him to be. I checked my phone for messages. Nothing from him, I was disappointed. I had to pull over and call Marie, it was late, but she gave me an order.

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

"Yeah?" I woke her, her voice was low, scratchy.

"I'm on my way home, a half hour. Do you want me to pick up breakfast?"

"What, what time is it." There was a pause, I thought I heard her talking to someone. "Don't bother!" She hung up. I held the phone against my breasts.

*

I pulled near a big warehouse a couple of blocks from the house, I ended up staying there, our block was always crowded on the weekends. I took off my makeup, I messed up my hair. I changed, but I kept on my panties and pantyhose. I was in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, it was such a disappointment from the red dress Jeffery picked out for me. It took me so long to get the nails off, I had to cut them, I hated saying goodbye to them. Finally, I put on a wool hat and walked a couple of blocks home.

Marie and I lived in a two-family house, her car was in the driveway. A side door led upstairs, one flight. The owners wanted us out, they wanted to make it an Air BnB, LA was full of them now but we still had a couple of months left on our lease. Marie didn't like it here anyway, she said it was too small but it was on the same block as her friend Marjorie, and it was only three blocks from her office. The two of them could walk there, but they never did. It was a perfect spot for her, the perfect neighborhood, lots of shops, but she wasn't satisfied, she was very difficult to please. It took me two months to find it, she's in real estate and she wouldn't even look with me. I had to work so much overtime to afford the deposit.

I reached the landing, I smelled my perfume, I would have to jump in the shower, I tripped on something in front of the door. It was my girl box, it was completely crushed, my female things were falling out of it, some of my makeup was broken and crushed on the floor. Marie finally investigated. I picked up the post-it note.

'nice of you to leave your fucking girlie things lying around. take them and go away.'

I was feeling too close to the edge, one wrong move, and I would be waving to the clouds. I guess it wasn't my night. The box was a mess, I was definitely getting sloppy, and unorganized. Since I met Farrell it went from the bottom of the pile in my closet to the top, it was very popular. My small collection of all things feminine got a real workout. I would have to start to hide away again, another box, another bottom of a different closet. Marie was disappointed in more than just this, this was probably the last straw for her. I understood, part of me knew this is the way it would end, I was happy to experience it.

I carried the breaking box out and dropped it in the trunk, it was going to be a long night, I wish I still had on my long nails.

***

So, I was clean, I had a headache, I had pain in my neck and shoulder. I slept in the car in the parking lot of my gym. I surprised the manager by being the first one inside. I took a long shower, a longer look at my life, now I was in the backseat, I took out a bottle of the Rosé, I was going to get drunk.

"Oh, man, I don't have a corkscrew, I'll call Jeffrey, she'll have one." And I did. "Hi, thank you again for yesterday. I was so beautiful in my red dress for a couple of hours."

"Sabrina, you are always beautiful, you have to remember that. Beauty isn't just about eyeshadow and lipgloss ya know."

"Mmm, maybe."

"Maybe? Definitely. It's your insides too, ha. So when is the wedding?"

"Well I told him I was trans and he walked away from me, quietly, He just left."

"Really? I'm sorry. I guess that means that you will have to find someone else. Someone who will love you and not walk away, shouldn't be that hard."

"Plus, I gave him great oral sex in a bathroom. How rude, right, ha."

"See never rule anything out, haha."

We laughed together it was nice. We said bye. I suddenly started getting horny, remembering Farrel's hardness in my mouth in his childhood bathroom. I don't even want to tell you about this but I started playing with the long bottle rubbing it in my hands and rolling it around my fingers.

"Mmm," I licked the glass, it was long, it wasn't too dissimilar to Farrell, well a man's, um, manhood. I then realized I could change clothes, I could dress the way I liked, and then I could lick the eff out of this effin' bottle the rest of the effin' day if I wanted to. I could put on my dark lipstick, I could take pictures, I could feel like a slut, you know if I wanted to.

I wanted to.

I went into the gym with a different bottle of Rosé for the manager and my broken box, and came out with a new pink gym bag stuffed with its ex contents. I was wearing my cyan dress and my beige pantyhose, of course, it had a run, of course, my white heels were scuffed. I had on a bent bangle bracelet and my pastel necklace. I would put my makeup on in the car and then I would feel like myself again.

I slipped into the front, my new bag in the passenger seat, on top of my makeup. I barely put on my foundation and concealer when the phone rang.

"Hello," I said in my feminine voice.

"Sabrina?"

"Mmm." I was surprised, hopeful.

"I'm sorry for last night, Mel has been yelling at me since I told her."

"Oh, okay." I didn't know what to say or how to feel. My ex-boyfriend's grandmother was telling him he was a jerk to me.

"I just wasn't ready for that. When I see you again in person I will give you a real apology."

"Well that wasn't even the worst part of my night, my other life also fell apart, my wife found my female clothes..."

"Your wife?"

"Um, yeah, I'm trans AND married, I am such a wonderful human being. I'm sorry for bothering you." I closed my eyes, my neck and shoulder were starting to hurt again. I heard him talking to someone, sounded like he wasn't that mad anymore.

"Where are you?"

"Well the wife threw me out, I'm living in another parking lot. I should have been more open with both of you."

"She threw you out, of the house? At least now I know why I always had to pick you up from the mall. Hold on, Mel wants to speak to you."

"Pasadena?"

"Yes, hi, good morning." Part of me was nervous that she was going to be mad at me too.

"Can you lay down on your back?"

"Lay down? I'm in my car."

"Lay across the seat, your root chakra is perfect, but your sacral and solar plexus chakra need just a little cleansing just like I did last night." I didn't really understand what she was saying, but I lay down as much as I could in my little red car, my heels hitting the window, my beige legs looking fabulous.

"Okay, Put me on speaker phone, put it someplace close." And I did, right above the steering wheel. "Okay now, hover your hands slowly over your body, start with your stomach, chest, now your neck. Okay now put your palms over your eyes. Breathe deep." And I did what she said, moved the way she directed, I didn't care, I was just happy I was in a dress. "Okay, hold it..."

And I felt a vibration, felt my body shake, felt something take flight.

"Okay. That's it, I can feel you're all good, all done. Starting now I want you to say what you feel, I want you to tap into your feminine energy, I want you to be proud of being who you are."

"Um, okay," I started sitting up again, I stretched, my neck was so much better too. My outlook was even better than that.

"Oh, and most importantly start embracing your sexuality, own it, do exactly what you feel. That's what we all do here in the house."

I turned and looked at the woman in the rearview mirror, she was vigorously shaking her head. I smiled, "Okay."

"Oh, and one more thing. I always told Farrell that I would find him the most perfect girlfriend, the one he would love forever, I was always looking, always, even when he was young. Well, I finally found her."

"Really, that's great, who?" I was thinking it had to be one of those gorgeous women in the backyard, or the others in the house with the perfect poise and noses. They were probably all over him now.

"Well, obviously, it's you."

"Me?"

"Yup you. You are perfect, your karma is excellent I can sense it all the way here in Echo Park from sunny Pasadena, Sabrina. And of course, everything is now aligned, there is only one itsy bitsy problem."

"Oh? What's that?"

"Well, he's not good enough for YOU. Okay, let me go. Freddy said he will call about teaching you to balance and Dante said he is building you an island or something, he will give it to you when he takes you to the winery. Prepare to get a little dirty, ha."

"I will love that, um, getting dirty."

"Of course, you will. Oh and don't forget the girls have you penciled in on Tuesday, you know since you are free."

"Oh, okay."

"Have you ever been a fluffer before?"

I started to think. "Mmm, I don't know."

"Well if you were, you would remember. Oh, and it's going to be by the pool so bring a bikini. Okay, bye Sabrina, don't be a stranger."

"Bye." And she hung up. And I didn't move, I held the phone to my ear. I stared at the girl in the mirror again, you remember the one with Tuesdays off and the good Karma and aligned Chakras, she was going to be busy. She looked pretty excited about it too, her outlook was quite sunny.

Part of me felt like I was enjoying myself too much these last couple of weeks. I was nervous, I was excited, I felt like I was getting greedy. Maybe that's what it's like getting too close to the edge, looking off the cliff, and experiencing real life and love for the first time.

I put the car in drive, I put the music on loud, my red car vibrating just like my 114 chakras. The Rolling Stones were now blasting out of my speakers.

'You're just a memory of a love

That used to be

You're just a memory of a love

That used to mean so much to me'

Things will probably be okay. I will miss Farrell, my accidental boyfriend, but I won't miss Marie at all. I was thinking maybe I'll go shopping and buy a corkscrew. Maybe I will visit Jeffrey and get my hair and makeup done, I looked so plain with just my foundation on and she did say something about lipgloss. Maybe I will get close to the edge again. There's always tomorrow.

Briiiiiiing... I got a text, Mel was keeping in touch already.

'Yoga starts in an hour.'

"Okay, to the store, to get a yoga mat and maybe some leotards, ooh and a bikini... and definitely some coffee, unless I find a corkscrew first."

I was having too much fun talking to myself, singing with the Rolling Stones.

"She got a mind of her own