Clueless Ch. 02

"Mmph... headache. Going to lie down." Dad looks at me with an eyebrow up and I watch Maddy stomp through the lounge and into the hall.

"Should you check on her?" He asks.

I nod and wrap the blanket around myself as I stand. "Be right back."

"What's up, bub?" I ask my little sister who is lying face down on her bed. She doesn't reply, just passes me her phone. It's open to a series of fairly polite texts between her and mum in which mum seems to be attempting contact and Maddy seems to be trying to avoid it.

"You know, you don't have to have anything to do with her. She can't force you to. You're an adult."

"I know. That's not even it. I was just having a great time at Clare's place and then she started texting me and Clare asked what was wrong and then it just all came out and I couldn't stop crying. I'm so embarrassed. Mrs Tate was so worried she insisted on dropping me home. It's..." And then she starts sobbing into her pillow.

"Shh bub." I rub her back gently and try to calm her. "Let it out. It has to come out sometime. There's a whole lot of hurt and pain left behind. You can't hold onto it."

"I'm not even really... sad... for... me even..." She huffs between sobs. "It just hurts... that she... can do that... to... to... Dad and to... us... so... so easily."

There's really nothing more to say, so I lay down beside her on her barbie-doll doona cover and hold her tight until her sobbing settles and she rolls over to shine her teary blue eyes into my brown ones.

"I love you, Laura. I know I don't say it ever, but I do. Everything feels so damn fragile right now."

"Love you too bub. Do you need anything? Are you right if I get back to..."

"Go." She rolls back over and picks up her phone. "I'll be fine. Just having a big girly cry. Make sure Daddy doesn't worry. "

I kiss her on the head and wipe my own eyes. Some sympathetic tears of my own have dribbled out for her.

"She okay, pumpkin?"

"Just sad, old man. She told me to make sure you weren't worried. She'll be okay." I unwrap the blanket from around myself and toss it over us to settle back in and unpause the episode we're on.

"It's... I can't just 'stop worrying', kiddo. About either of you. Just you're... you talk. You've got a handle on yourself and you talk to me. Maddy tho..."

"She needs you too, old man. She does doesn't know how to err... get from where she is to where she wants to be."

"The sex thing." He frowns.

"Why do you think she's so promiscuous, Daddy?"

"Just a healthy... you know, getting it out of her system." He shrugs, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.

"You're absolutely clueless sometimes. Let me fill you in. Electra complex."

"Who?"

"Carl Jung came up with it. Freud perverted it as usual. Neither of them was really able to develop the theory any better given the societal limits of sexuality of the time. These days, sexual psychology has had decades to develop theorem based on much more liberal understanding of and expression of sexuality allowed by modern times and attitudes. You with me?"

"Hell no." He laughs. "You know I tried reading one of your assignments once and it sounded like thesaurus soup to me."

"Well... I guess I can simplify it..." I top up my wine and think. "So, every girl goes through a stage of sexual development where she becomes aware of her ability to influence boys because of her body and sexual nature. The first guy a girl experiments with, in this regard, is usually her father. He's the safest man she knows. You know the saying, 'wrapped around her finger'?"

He nods and turns the show to pause.

"Well, that's about where it's supposed to end. The healthy line in the sand is that the girl realises her new superpowers and understands that Daddy belongs to Mummy and uses them to find her own mate. It doesn't always go so well though. Some little girls feel rejected by their dad's when they don't return that affection."

"How could they? It's..."

"Well, there's the thing. Most Dad's are healthy men like you who smile at the teenage flirting and reassure their little girls they are very pretty and wonderful but put good limits on things. Some don't and take advantage and that can be really damaging. And then there are girls like Bub."

"What about her?"

"Well, for her this all started going on around the same time we became friends with the Dobsons. She saw Mum flirting with Carl and you being mistreated and her little Electra complex got short circuited. She started thinking how much better she could be for you than her mother. How she could love you more. We both knew your sex life was shit. We could hear the arguments. And she thought she could be better at that for you too. These feelings were, are, really powerful for her. They are mixed up right down in her moral development."

"God..."

"Not much he can do about it."

He looks really hurt as he sips his wine. He shakes his head. "I wish..."

"Nothing you could have done. We wanted to say something a lot of times but we had no proof and Mum would have made us out to be jealous little bitches so she could protect herself. That's why Maddy fought so damn hard with Mum over the tiniest things. She hated what she was doing. She thought you deserved so much better and knew she could be what Mum couldn't. That's what she wanted and it's what she knew she could never have."

"Fuck... what a mess."

"And that's why she takes so many risks. She needs to feel like she is good. Like she is better than their sisters, their wives, their girlfriends. Better than every other woman in their life. So she fucks them. In that moment she is the best thing going for them and she gets gratification from their affection and attention. It's dangerous. Do you know she fucked two married men in the toilets at a Batchelor party once? Of course, not..."

"Fuck..."

"And so many other risky things Dad. The worst part is she's lovely. Men see it. She gets boyfriends and they genuinely love her, but she never really falls in love because they aren't who she wants. So she keeps filling that void with risky sex because she can't have the one man she want's to be the best for."

"Me... What a god damn mess pumpkin."

We're both quiet a very long moment. I'm looking at my wine glass. I didn't mean to say that much or to put so much pressure of responsibility on him.

"So, what the fuck can I do?"

"Just love her. Hope she works herself out. Be there for her. And if..."

"If what?"

"Well maybe if you can... Maybe if she tries something, just consider it."

"Are you saying..."

"Why not? She loves you. You love her. You would never hurt her. It would be like us and... 'Vikings'. God, that's been so healthy for us. We could never have had this conversation three months ago. And maybe, just maybe... Maybe if you two... She'd get it out of her system. Find out she was good enough for you, for herself. Find out that you're just a man, not the god she built in her head. Find out that sex can be intimate and sweet. Maybe then she'd start demanding more for herself out of men in general. Don't you see?"

"See what?"

"It really couldn't make things worse now, could it old man?"

"Phew..." He rubs his temple. "I don't know."

"I know... It's against all the rules. But it's not really. Who made the rules? Why did they make the rules? Read the damn bible... Jeez it's full of inter-familiar relationships. And down through history... Let's just say you would hardly be the first. And Daddy... I'm really getting worried it's her only way out of this destructive cycle she's in."

"I'll think about it. It's a big step thinking she even sees me like that. I'm old and god, she is so young and beautiful. Any man..."

"She doesn't want just any man. I'm getting tired, Daddy. I was going to you know, with your thing but..."

"Yeah, this has been a bit of a... So, what now?"

"I don't know. Maybe a good Daddy would go and just hold her while she tries to put herself back together. She had a really big cry tonight about the whole Mum thing. I bet she could use a Daddy snuggle."

I left him sitting their looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and got myself ready for bed. When I returned to kiss him goodnight he was gone. I found him sitting on the side of Maddy's bed, brushing her hair with his fingers as she cried in his lap. This was their moment so I left without disturbing them and collapsed into my bed.

Exhausted emotionally, it was only moments before I was sound asleep.

......................

Something was afoot.

Maddy was singing to herself in the kitchen like she used to all the time before things got all bent and shifty. And Dad was nowhere to be seen.

"Hey sleepy!" Maddy sing-songs. "Coffee?"

"Hmm..." I grumble suspiciously. "Who are you and what have you done with my sister?"

"I slept so well, sissa."

"Hmm?"

"Daddy held me all night."

"Ooh..." I raised an eyebrow at her as she hands me coffee.

"Nothing like that!" she laughs just a bit too loudly. "But you'll never guess."

Her excitement is tangible, so I tease. "He had a stiffy this morning? That's normal you know."

Her blush is beautiful. "Yeah but... That's not it."

"Well do tell." I drum my fingers on the table. "I'm waiting, or do I have to tickle it out of you?"

"We're going out tonight." She gushes.

"All of us? I kinda got exams and-"

"No! Just Daddy and me." She scowls defensively, "I made him promise. We talked. It's been so long since we really talked. I don't know what you said to him, but we even talked about... you know..."

She's looking down at her hands and frowning and I can't help fucking with her.

"Know what, Bub? They have words for this stuff, you know." Oh the magic irony of feeding her her-own words.

"Fucking him." She whispers and glows crimson. "And all the boys... I'm so embarrassed he knows. But it feels good too, you know. I thought he'd hate me for being such a slut-a-saur."

"And..." Get to it, bub!

"And well, not all the time, but we are going to make some time just for ourselves every now and then, and see how things... ah... happen. Whether they um, happen... He's still really awkward and so am I now that I think it could happen. It's all giggly and scary at the same time."

"Isn't that how it's meant to feel?"

"It's never felt like that before with boys."

"Then good. I hope you guys have a really great night. I um... I might..."

"What?" she puts her coffee down and frowns at me curiously.

"I might spend the night at Ron's so you two..."

"Oh. Oh! I hadn't thought of... Wow. You would?"

"Sure. I love you, bub. And it will be good to see Ron, we haven't caught up in ages. Not since..."

"Steve didn't like her much."

"That's an understatement. I have no idea why, but he used to get so... Ha..." I laugh remembering how much he hated the outspoken little androgynous woman. "Bub. I'll have my phone with me tonight if you need to talk or anything. I'm happy for you."

Then I'm treated to another really unsisterly hug. We really are not huggers. "You're as clueless as Dad sometimes." She laughs at me. "Say hi to the big lezzy for me."

"Anyway..." I untangle myself from her. "I had better get into the library and get this study done. I'll call Ronnie and see if she's cool. "You need anything?"

"Nup." She bites her lower lip and shakes her head, looking exactly like a girl should when she's excited about going out on a date. A motherly pride swells in me. I've never seen her like this before. Maybe this will work out for us all.

"Speaking of the old man, where is he bub?"

"Rusty." She smiles, "Off with Goose and Stumpy somewhere. He should be back around five he said and then we're going to- oh shit! I have to get reservations."

She dashes out of the room like the white rabbit.

After I've dressed and gathered books, I call Ron on the way to the library.

"Hey Laura. Long time, girly."

"I'm sorry Ron, that's all on me."

"And Steve. Fuck, he hated me. Jealous I reckon."

"Huh?"

"Thought I was gonna steal you off him and have my dirty dyky way with you."

"You'd love that now, wouldn't you?" I laugh.

"You know it, spunky. Come to the dark side, Laura. We have too many cat's and multiple orgasms."

"Ooh! You're nasty, Ronnie. Hey, I need a fave." I didn't give her all the details, just that Dad was going on a date and I wanted to give him some space.

"It's a date then, spunky. We'll have a big girly night and paint toenails and plait hair and talk about boys. Eww."

"I'll be there about five this arvo. I'll bring dinner and-"

"I've got heaps to drink. You just bring pizza and that sweet size ten tushy of yours, baby girl."

After she hangs up, I'm aware of a few things that shock me.

Firstly, I'm just actually a bit excited for Dad and Maddy. Secondly, I'm really looking forward to seeing my good friend Ronnie again. And lastly that I'm more than a little wet at her naughty suggestions.

I've never considered a girl sexually. Maybe it's just been too long between disco sticks for me but I'm even seeing pictures of Ronnie as my crotch clenches and I destroy these undies. The car stinks of arousal by the time I park so I give myself a squirt of gym strength Rexona that I keep in the glove box.

Study is wasted time. I spent most of the time trying to work out why I've never had feelings for a girl before. Was I just as Cis as they come? Was I just purely hetero and plain not attracted to women? My arousal earlier clearly points at least at a bi tendency. What would sex with a girl be like? How would you even... I mean mechanically... How do girls have sex together? And does Ronnie even like me like that or was she just flirting like usual?

She always loved to be over the top flirty with me around Steve, but I thought that was simply to press all of his buttons. I did catch her out checking my tits and butt now and then.

"Can't blame a girl, spunky. It's how I'm wired." She'd hold her hands up in surrender and admit.

By the time I pull up at the pizza joint on the way to her house, I'm feeling just like Maddy looked when I left home a moment ago. Like I'm going on the most important date of my damn life!

Maddy is a great looking kid. When she dresses to go out with friends, she's a bloody knock-out. But this evening she had really put some thought into it. Gone was the good-looking kid. Standing in bathroom finishing her make up was an elegant woman.

She wore a little black dress that bordered upon sexy but deferred to graceful. Her make up was careful but sparse giving her a really natural and womanly look. Her long blonde hair was pinned neatly up off her long neck and she wore some understated silver earrings and a simple zirconia pendant. Together it was the perfect mix of sexy and demure; a smouldering classy look. I was impressed.

Her nerves were there clearly, but elegantly arranged into a simple glimmer in her eye, giggle in her voice and ladylike smirk.

"Thanks, sissa." She kissed my cheek then wiped the lippy off for me. "Thanks for everything."

"Don't cry, bub. You'll ruin all that hard work."

"Go on then." She insisted. "Get out of here. You're cramping my vibe."

I spent way too long selecting clothes and I knew why. Ordinarily, I would have just worn whatever I had been in that day... But this afternoon I tried on three different sets of yoga pants before I settled on a black pair that showed off everything but just hinted at camel toe. I matched them with a fitted t-shirt that just screamed, 'look at my tits, you big lezzy!'.

My shoulder length hair was a waste of time to try and do anything with, so I just put it in a lazy ponytail and deliberately didn't wear makeup because I didn't want Ronnie to think I had gone out of my way. I was going out of my way though, wasn't I and I knew it was because I wanted to know if she found me attractive.

Why?

"Why Laura, look at you spunky!" And she did. Her pretty lavender eyes roved from my face to my toes and lingered in all the same naughty places that a man's would. "God damn, bitch... You're only single because you want to be. Bring that tucka in the kitchen."

Her home was obsessively tidy and very simple. It was a lot like her. Sometimes I thought she went out of her way to look plain. She had short boy-cut hair and always wore simple polo shirts and shorts that did nothing for her. It was like she was trying to camouflage herself. It didn't work though.

She had a really pretty little elfin face that was in no way mistakeable for a man's. She had small breasts that swelled the polo shirts and hips that flared her daggy shorts. In trying to camouflage herself somehow, she made herself more visible. At least to me.

We spent the next couple of hours eating and catching up. We laughed and commiserated over break ups. Her and Lisa had split some months ago.

"She was such a fucking barbie-doll. It was never going to work."

"Still Ronny, running off with a man that must have stung."

"If it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. Sometimes it takes people a long time to work out what flavour they like. If you like strawberry, then you like strawberry no matter how much caramel you try to stuff in your gob. You just can't keep pretending forever." She winks at me and for some reason I blush.

She smiles at me knowingly and asks, "What about you, spunky. Have you figured yourself out yet?"

"I don't... What do you mean?" she reaches out and pats my knee where we sit cross legged on the lounge room floor finishing the pizza.

"You'll work it out, spunky." She smiles enigmatically. "So Steven..."

"Nothing... Just you know... didn't work. Wasn't really sad about it in the end."

"Why?"

"Well, just... We were different. It just didn't. I... We both knew it was time."

"Haha. I knew, you know."

"Knew what?"

"You two. I could see it. You were just following some script that you both thought couples did. There was never that little... You know."

"Spark."

"Yeah. There has to be that crazy spark. That little thing that just wasn't expected but is suddenly there all the same. That's what keeps people together. Love... You've probably read about it." She laughs to herself.

"Fuck off. I've been in love." I slap her leg playfully.

"Bullshit. You've been in love with the idea of something. The idea of being what you think the world expects. A boy, a girl, a house, some kids, a car. Vanilla."

"Vanilla?"

"Yeah, vanilla. And vanilla is not really your flavour spunky, no matter how many times you try it." She silences herself with a pizza and her pretty eyes glimmer naughtily at me over smirk pair of dimples.

I'm confused. I've had some good relationships. They've helped me grow into who I am now.

"Kay bitch." She taps my thigh. "I'm gonna say some names. Old lovers. And if any one of them still makes your kitty twitch, you pat my knee. Got it."

"What the fuck, Ronnie." I laugh, "You're a nutbag."

"Just bear with me." She finishes her mouthful of pizza and reaches for my hand. Her eyes hold mine warmly for a bit uncomfortably long then she darts them down to my lips and they flit back in a hungry smile.

"Justin." Justin was my first back in high-school. Cringe... I shake my head.

"Err... Callum." I was so damn head over heels crushing on him back then. I shake my head. Still nothing.

"Bill." Ugh...

"Why do you have to bring him up?"

"He's an ex."

"Only you know about that. God, I regret that."

"So, nothing?"

"Dry as a nun's nasty."

"Those two boys you fucked on the beach that new years."

I waited for it. That had been particularly wild. If anything was going to get my pussy going, that was it. I pictured them and the whole debauched moment. Come on! Get wet you lousy vag. I shake my head.