College Awakening Pt. 01

Introduction: My deepest, warmest heart-felt thanks to my siss girlfriend for her hours of chats with me as, together, we engaged in some very deep soul-searching, unlocking repressed blips of my memories from these years. Where I saw unique, disconnected blips, sweet sexy Damien showed me the very solid RED LINES. Ignorance may be bliss- until one is shown the light. How could I have been so naïve, so oblivious, to so much? The following is 100% true- I share it with you all as part of my own discovery and hopefully(?) it will help some of you to also re-view what your own life experiences really were. Note to my readers- at some point, this story goes from 100% fact to some sort of conjecture. Maybe you can guess where and/or also offer your own insight, speculation, views, own personal experience(s?). For the record, I am certain that this was NOT a one-night moment...

I was an inexperienced- grossly inexperienced, 18 year old Sophomore when I met Betty, a freshman, at a college party. I wasn't a frat boy- I had heard too many stories about that and I didn't like all their machismo. No, this was a biology department party that was open to the entire college student body.

It was the night of the Foreman/Frazier fight (I think- 1978) and the party was off to a very slow Friday night start. Good! More beer for me. My buddies who usually went to these were either engaged with other activities or at fight parties. I don't know if I didn't get the invite for those or I just didn't qualify. O well.

Betty was invited to the party by some of her friends who were bio majors- she, instead, was a business major. Betty wore a LBD, nothing outrageous, she was raised Catholic and attended private grade to high school and now, college. She was cute.. ok, she was real cute- an athletic body with lots of curve but a tight tummy and sexy, inviting round ass.

As I tried to figure out how to approach her & her friends, I saw my opening. Her beer cup was leaking and she didn't know what to do. While I was anything but manly, I did understand chivalry and grabbed an empty cup, saving her from having beer all over the place.

We chatted and made small talk then after a few more drinks, I suggested we go for a walk around the campus. I had never really had a girlfriend before and as we chatted, she admitted that she never had a real boyfriend. Made for each other or made for failure?? The air was cool and after a bit of a walk, we found a campus bench to sit at. We shared some details of who we were and there was some connection- enough so that when I leaned over to kiss her, she responded- slowly and then with intensity & desire matching mine.

We became 'boyfriend & girlfriend' and spent tons of time together. She didn't live on campus- not like the majority of frosh- somehow her application fell thru the college admission's department cracks and she ended up joining one of three upper classwomen in an apartment perhaps 4 miles from campus.

Over the next 12 months, we became close; we became too close, really. I lived at home (sad I know) and worked in a grocery store to pay for my tuition. I was a commuter while friends and Betty were all part of the campus experience. But I knew that I could have some sort of sex with her most any time- not all types but close. For me, with years of just fantasizing, this was amazing.

However, at work, I started to be tempted by women who worked there as well as some of the customers. At the same time, my best bud, Tim, was pissed that I dared to have a steady girlfriend- what about him? We had partied quite a bit our freshman year; he, also a commuter, and I had a lot in common and we would, together, venture through all of the dorms- meet other friends in the guy's dorms, sneak into the girl's dorms and explore the upper classmen coed dorms & on-campus apartments. I felt bad; we were both slowly changing from high school grads to 'young men' and this was our time to evolve. But Betty- always wanting me around her or to join Tim & me. Really?? So, after 12 months of non-stop being with her, I needed space. I needed to enjoy being young- and she was just drowning me.

So- we broke up. She wasn't pleased of course. She thought she had things organized.

And then this happened.

Ch 1

She was too demanding and I wanted my freedom. I dumped Betty; in no uncertain terms, I said NO MORE! I needed my own time and she had to accept that. She offered "what about if we just see each other a few times a week?" HELL NO! Damn girl.. NO!!

My buddy and I valued our Friday night 'wander around & drink beer' time more than me being with her. Cruising around Friday evening- a manageable beer buzz- I was driving a VW bus after all- not like it was a sports car. It DID feel odd to not be around her 24/7. It DID feel weird to not be able to stop by and make out with her pretty much any time I wanted. And, now and then, I did miss our time just talking.

Friday evening was 'guy time' and this Friday had us cruising all over town. Music blasting, whistling at girls we saw, drinking beer and disengaging from class crap, work stress and parents who were way too nosey. This was our time to talk about life and dreams, of how life might be when we each saved up some money to rent an apartment- a party place where we both believed that suddenly we would be the popular guys with all kinds of new friends.

I usually drove; I'm not sure if I had better vision but I did have a bit more money from my job and didn't mind either buying the beer or buying gas. My car was new and I had tricked out the stereo and Tim didn't mind being copilot. But he was surprised that I had deviated from our usual cruise route where all the hotrodders parked to show off.

"Hey, we're near Beth's work, we should stop by" I suggested.

"Hey man, you broke up with her, right? Like 3 weeks ago? Why the fuck do you want to see her? You told me what a pain she is- always clingy and wanting all of your time. Fuck her. Let's go to the strip club. Let's go look at pussy" he replied.

Damn.. He's right.. Betty was fun in bed, and now & then, she would fuck. She didn't like to suck on my cock though- not like it was big- it was, at most, maybe 6" long at full erection at best of times. If that. But she didn't like doing it. She wanted me to be oral on her though. I guess I was OK doing that- some of the time. She loved to have her nipples kissed and sucked and fondled and loved to have that sensitive spot just around her ear kissed and kissed even more.

"Ah come on.. let's go say hi and then we go to the titty bar" I replied. Yeah, I wanted to see real women- assertive, not teens; mature women who knew how to show everyone how sexy they are.

"Well.. shit.. if you gotta. I think it's dumb. You fuckin dumped her... get her out of your mind. You fucked her right?" he said.

"Um.. yeah, we fucked" I replied.

It felt weird to say that, even though I knew Tim for years and years. "She loves to fuck and sometimes, she seems like she's a totally different person- she gets wanton, wild.. wanting cock" I told him.

What I didn't say is that she always said "Deeper.. push in deeper.. harder". I sensed that she wanted- needed to feel my cock much further into her pussy than I could. For ~7 months of us having sex kind of all the time, it didn't dawn on me that maybe I wasn't really capable, even though she really was a virgin and had never done more than touch herself a few times while in high school.

So, we sat in the parking lot- it was almost 10pm and we had consumed another 3 beers each, prompting us both to find a dark spot in the parking lot to pee while waiting for her to leave work. Betty worked from ~5-10pm at one of the startup small, independent cable services companies of the time. She took care of their bookkeeping along with the daytime staff. She was good at it and usually finished filing things- all was done with pencils and calculators back then- early.

And with her, apparently, were the swing shift tech support: people, mainly or exclusively(?) men who tracked customer orders & made sure that PPV orders were quickly processed. I still have no idea what they specifically did- all I DO KNOW is that Betty told me that one of her coworkers often told her about orders for adult movies- LOTS of adult movies. My naïve 18 / 19 year old brain failed to grasp just what these discussions meant, implied or may have lead to.

At the time that I broke up with her, she had been working there for over 6 months. Our schedules overlapped- she worked 2-3 days a week while I worked 3-5 days, but normally 4 days including weekends- but Fridays off so that I could hang out with my buddy. I needed to pay my tuition and I also enjoyed having pocket money. Betty also liked the escape, working with a group who were 5 -20 years older than her. Her prior job was working at a department store and before that- an ice cream store. She graduated in more ways than one.

So here we were, Tim and me, sitting in the parking lot. We had each snuck off to pee somewhere discretely- long before security cameras tracked people like us.

And then my buddy saw her. "Hey, that her? Walking out of the building?" he pointed.

I looked- yeah, that was her. It was 10:15pm- why it took her 15 minutes to leave was beyond me. What a waste of time. I had seen where she had parked; I parked my slightly obvious car far away from where she had parked so that she didn't notice. Now, why would I do that? Who cares, right? Precisely. Who cares. I wasn't her boyfriend- that was over. I was.. a friend. You wouldn't know if from how her roommates interacted with me when I called to say hello to her- after we broke up. Betty was upset, mad, all those emotions from me 'dumping her'. When I called, I would get the "she's not here; she's busy; she doesn't want to talk with you; she's out; she's at the library.. and an occasional- fuck off, you broke her heart".

"Yep, that's her. I'll just go say hi to her; last I saw her was on campus like 3 weeks ago" I told my pal.

"Dammit man- you fuckin broke up! Get a fuckin clue.. man, you know your're my best friend but you're setting yourself up for some stupid shit. You dumped her. Fuck her. Go on to someone else. And fuck- we're supposed to get our own bachelor pad- we can have parties and have all kinds of chicks over. Fuckin dump her and let's just go" he said, intense but with concern for me.

Why didn't I listen to Tim? Dammit. I had broken it all off. She was a free young woman, not mine. I had no right to be there and had not called to ask if I could stop by. What a pompous ass I was. Idiot.

Tim grabbed my arm. "Hey, Kim (me), she's with some guy. Check it out" he said as he pointed her way.

Sure enough, a young guy was walking with her from the office building. We watched.

"Well, it's late and it's dark. Probably just escorting her out; keeping her safe. That's all that.." I tried to rationalize as Tim cut me off.

"Man, let's just go. We don't belong here. You.. don't belong here... Kim.. lap dance.. LAP DANCE!" Tim pleaded. Why didn't I just listen?

"Kim.. man... (he loved to call me 'man') he's walking too damn close to her to be just a favor... you recognize him?" Tim asked me, a bit of tension in his voice.

"No.. no idea" I replied. Betty had not really spoken much about her coworkers, that is, aside from the bit about all the porn movies that people rented. That subject only came up when I had asked her, maybe three months earlier, if she wanted to go see an adult movie. She scoffed at the idea and then acknowledged that she wouldn't be allowed in as she was still 17. I was surprised that she even mentioned it- she wasn't a prude but also not very ~worldly.. I guess I wasn't either.

On the other hand, she knew most all of the people that I worked with, including some of the females. She had a sense that I had flirted with a few of them- that women's intuition feature in her must have been on high alert when she saw how I looked at the women. At some of the impromptu parties, she showed that she loved to engage with others and drink, at times, to excess. Some of them she intimidated- she was well educated and quite book smart, an attractive quality for most men who were secure with themselves.

I was about to exit my car to go say hi when I saw them pause- she turned to him and they embraced. She was by her vehicle and he had his arms around her waist just as much as she did his. He leaned forward and she met his lips- and they kissed.

"Kim.. let's get out of here!" Tim said, almost yelling.

"But.. look at that" I replied, trying to make sense of what we were both watching and trying to figure out what to do next.

I was dumbstruck. She was kissing that guy. This wasn't some little peck on the cheek- he had her, she had him, embraced and together, the evening fog casting an eerie, captivating, mesmerizing series of images into my mind. Tim and I continued to watch, though Tim was starting to laugh, an evil smirk on his face, obviously sensing that this was indeed the knife in my heart, done by a 'cheating' (ex) girlfriend.

"So.. whacha gonna do now?" he asked as he twisted off the cap of the deviously designed Mickey's Big Mouth bottle. "She's done with you man... I mean.. damn, look at that".

Dammit! If I had followed Tim's guidance, we would be at the strip club by now. We would have made intros to the dancers- a coworker's friend was the club manager and we always got in, even though under age. Dammit. Instead, I am now stuck here watching her make out with that guy.

Was Tim prompting me to actually go up to her now? Now?? And then what? It was obvious that she was on her own and very obvious that she wanted to kiss him- more. Dammit. And then that pathetic false machismo got triggered. You can't just let 'him' make out with your (ex) girlfriend.. what are you, a pussy? But, she's NOT my girlfriend. We're separated. I broke it off. She's free to do as she wants.

SHIT!

I did what you expected. I opened the door and slowly walked over- a mind filled with 1000s of thoughts & none made sense. Interrupt? Why? Interrupt? Then what? Interrupt? And get in a fight? Interrupt? And then she's got every right to be pissed off at me.

Interrupt??? Yeah.. I did. Though, then, I was very honestly (as always, very honest) able to consume quite a bit of beer without becoming drunk, I knew that I wasn't 'sober'.

"Hey, Betty.. hi" I said. Brilliant. How sauve could I be?

"Kim..." she said, obviously startled. "What.. are you doing here?... Why.. are you here?"

I didn't have an answer, of course. There was no good answer or explanation. She then told her male friend that I was her EX boyfriend. I could hear him asking her "You did say 'ex' right? You did tell me that you broke up with him like a month ago, right?"

She nodded yes, still standing close to him, their hands still intertwined.

"Well.." I started to answer, "I.. uh.. we were..." and then she cut me off.

"You've been drinking? Who are you with- Tim? You guys out drinking again?" she hit me with poignant question after the next. "I thought that's what you wanted, your time to go out with him? So.. why are you here? She looked at me, questions which deserved answers. "WE BROKE UP, REMEMBER??? Why don't you leave now, you've said hi, now go".

And as she said that, her male friend got closer to her, his chest out, his arm now around her waist.

DAMMIT!!! I should leave. I need to leave. I have NO RIGHT to be there!

"Man, why don't you leave, I wanna talk with Betty" I said, my voice hardly authoritative or intimidating, nor very clear.

"Buddy, she said she wants you to be the one to leave. She's not your girlfriend anymore, right?" he said.

How do I argue with reason? I stepped forward towards him, trying to have Betty focus solely on me.

"You've been drinking; it's time for you to go. I really don't want to see you right now. Really. Go hang out with Tim. Leave, I don't want anything to happen here. Really" she said, her voice hinting at both anger and fear.

"Well.. I wanna see you, and... mom says hi and..." I said, trying to think of something to say. O, that's good Kim. Mommy says hi.

"Hey buddy.. let's go" I heard Tim's voice; he was now behind me, his hand on my shoulder.

"I don't want any trouble" her friend said, obviously trying to de-escalate any further conflict. Betty stayed next to him, her hand on his.

I realized that there was no good outcome here; if someone else saw what was going on and called the cops, I was going to end up in jail. NOT GOOD!

"Fine. I'll leave. Just wanted to say hi. Can I call you then?" I said as I began to step back, Tim guiding me back to my car.

"I don't know. Not now, maybe next week. I don't know. You broke up with me. I'm NOT your girlfriend and you embarrassed me so much tonight. Just go. I don't want to see you..." she said, her voice starting to fall off.

And then Tim and I were back in the car and I drove away, seeing in the mirror that she and her friend were still in the parking lot. Good job Kim- way to royally fuck that up! Asshole. What an ass- I was.

"Titty bar! I'll buy... you dummy!" Tim said, his last words so accurate.

Ch 2

The usual motley crew was in the strip club but my friend / club manager managed to get us a front row seat. He was his usual, kinda grimy self- if Hollywood casting asked for the 'iconic, middle age, white guy who is perennially horny', he would be front & center. Lonny was Mr Happy go lucky, the dancers liked him because he was not grabby, respected the performers, and seemed to always have some nose-candy for those in need. He waved over for drinks and said the first round was on him. He was always super giving and always perked me up for the dancers- and the dancers knew that.

A few shots of tequila each, and, of course, Tim had to tell the dancers and Lonny about the evening's unfolding night- he also new Betty and made a comment that maybe she should make some extra money on stage- laughing and then ordering another round of shots.

"Just imagine Betty up on stage, Kimbo. You don't mind me sayin- she's got a round ass and the face of innocence. The black guys in particular love the white dancers who have that kind of ass. I mean it- she's not your hook up any more.. wouldn't it be something to see her up there? Maybe with a few drinks and.. some coke?" Lonny asked, somewhat playful and somewhat curious. Just what would I say?

I looked at him, confused. The same Betty that I date.. dated? Her? A stripper? I looked at Lonny and blushed, fumbling an answer that showed just how out of sorts I really was. Lonny laughed, patted my shoulder gently as he saw how bummed I was and then told us that we may like the next dancer.

We looked to stage right which was the pass way from their dressing room to see a tall blonde enter. Unlike most all of the other dancers who were in their 20s, this one looked 'older'. There was just something about her that said "experience" without saying "worn out". We offered the standard couple dollar bills on the railing as our requisite confirmation that we noticed each dancer- her performance was nice but nothing spectacular.

Next song in, her performance sent shivers over me. As she returned to the stage, the spot light was initially dialed right on her face- flawless, pearlescent flesh highlighted by luscious blood red lips was all the audience saw. Then the music fired up and she shed her dress to reveal her in a leather corset, thigh high boots, sheer nylons.. and a whip.

Unlike a stage prop, there was something so telling in how she made it part of her- she undulated and swayed just as much as the whip did. It was alive. She made it alive, moving in concert with her until suddenly-