College Chronicles Ep. 17

Later that evening, we went back to her sorority house for round two. Not every girl who came the first day had been invited back, and I went with a small group of other freshman to get a tour of the house, followed by a speech by a senior and a video full of vibe-y music, outfits, and colors. I spoke with a few more sisters who I hadn't met yet, and then was shown the door. That was when my non-standard experience really started to stand out; while other girls went on to more houses, I again returned to 001, buzzing with anticipatory energy, just hoping I'd done enough to maintain position. My dreams were infected by the ideas they'd planted, flying through bed and 'get ready' rooms, surrounded by beautiful angels in flowing pastel colors.

Jaxx didn't interrupt my sleep that night, didn't return at all. I felt a pang at that, wondering where he was, who he'd been fucking. He hadn't even let me know he wasn't coming back! The feeling of injustice faded after a few seconds; he never told me where he was, why would rush be any different? And he was as likely passed out in a ditch as lying in Aurora's bed. Another congratulations in my inbox made it sting less, but didn't totally erase the nagging concern.

I moved on though. Cindy was busy all day (she wouldn't tell me doing what) so I actually attended classes again, basically killing time until night three. I saw Aurora surrounded by a gaggle of similarly preppy girls at lunch, and wondered briefly how her rush was going. Probably perfectly, fucking bitch. It made me think of Nat... We hadn't spoken since she'd said goodbye in 001, before Jaxx had taken me out. I was afraid to talk to her, because of both the judgement I knew I would receive for rushing, and for the inevitable conversation we had to have about him. So I left it for another day. Or maybe the rest of the week... And the weekend... Just until I was done rushing...

When I attended round three, it was obvious pretty quickly why Cindy had been busy. Another senior gave a speech about values and charity and bonding and how much fun we would have by joining, which lead into a series of skits put on by the sophomores and juniors. Awkward and cringe-y to start, the girls put so much effort in that I couldn't help clapping and cheering with the freshman around me, leading those cheers enthusiastically when Cindy came out with a starring role (she absolutely killed a bit about being a good house-mate; don't ask, it was a whole thing.) After the skits, they had us break up into groups, which scattered around the house to do little crafts projects. It seemed silly at first, but ended up making me feel like I'd actually established friendships with the sisters and freshman from my group.

I went home the same way I had been, buzzing with positive energy, hopeful I would have the chance to return. Awaiting me when I woke was yet another pair of congratulations; form and personal. And then it was round four.

*

The day started a lot like the others; Cindy was happy for me but busy, so I went to lessons and killed time. Then I got another long text, instructions for how to prepare for 'preference night': exactly what I was supposed to wear, with what accessories, how I should do my makeup, and when to arrive. Previously, she'd told me what would happen at the event-- that time she was ominously curt. But nothing could ruin my good mood, and I jumped in the bathroom for a long shower and ritualistic preparation. Without Cindy to distract me, I was out and ready way too early, ending up sitting in a conservative pale-pink Sunday-best dress, inspecting my perfect white nails, wondering where Jaxx was.

Like the devil appearing when you said his name, I heard voices at the door and keys turning in the lock. My heart-rate spiked and I spun, expecting Jaxx to come barreling through with a girl wrapped around his waist. But it was the middle of the day, not a late whiskey-soaked night, and reality was much worse. He was first through the door, expression dropping into that smirk as he saw me. Behind him came three more men, all of whom I recognized after a second. First was Jae, tall and dark and so goddamn handsome. Behind him followed two others, who I placed as Glitch and Aaron from all the way back in Freshman Meet Week.

Jae swaggered in like Jaxx, recognizing me instantly and acknowledging with a smooth wink. Glitch and Aaron weren't so tuned in, entering in a heated argument until Glitch scanned the room.

"--Oh shit!"

He stumbled, more focused on hitting Aaron to draw his eyes than walking. Both stared, mouths hanging open, and I began to flush under their sustained attention. Jaxx ambled casually over to his desk, while Jae continued his swagger to the couch, collapsing heavily near me and admonishing his friends with withering critique.

"Y'all thirsty as hell."

Smooth as silk, he turned to me with a broad smile of perfectly white teeth.

"'Sup, girl?"

I giggled at the juxtaposition, how stupid he made the other two boys look. My response was quiet, but warm.

"Hii, Jae..."

So quiet, Glitch didn't hear me as he addressed Jaxx, who had gone to his wardrobe and begun to strip down before us.

"--Daaamnn, X! You didn't say you had a new girl! She fiiine..."

"Who's new? That's my roommate."

I went red hot, realizing he had just outed me to two people who had known me as Sam. I wasn't even sure what Jae knew or didn't; how would they all react? I couldn't look at them, staring at Jaxx and blushing hard. He just looked back at me, expression giving nothing away, slight curl of that smirk at the edge of his lips. There was a pause of a few full seconds before Glitch and Aaron reacted with awe filled realization.

"Shiiiiiit..."

"Fuckin', little Sam? No shit..."

It wasn't the outright condemnation or disgust I had expected, which emboldened me a little. My eyes were still furtive as I did a quick scan of the room, and what I found only intensified my embarrassed blush. All four of them were smiling at me, each infuriating and patronizing and vaguely intimidating in their own way. An edge of fear cut me as the two joined us on the couch; it became especially obvious how small I was compared to four burly football players, and the masculine energy they'd brought in with them charged the air with a tension that gave me goosebumps.

"She's Sami now."

It was all he needed to say, it summed up everything so perfectly. And that seemed to be enough, a strange silence settling in the room as Jaxx changed and the other three watched me. Aaron pulled a joint out of his afro, lit it and took a deep pull, then offered it out to me. I didn't expect or want it, needing my head clear for whatever was going on at the sorority. But I had to speak, to justify my refusal.

"Oh, no... Uhm, I mean... thanks... I'm going to pref night..."

"No shit? Where?"

He asked expecting two or three potential destinations, but I only had the one to offer, and did it haltingly, aware all eyes were on me. Aaron handed the joint to Glitch, who took a two deep inhales and held them, watching me.

"Uhm... Sigma Lambda Tau..."

"Shiit!"

Aaron cursed under his breath, and Glitch coughed out the lungful of smoke. I was a little confused what was so bad about Cindy's sorority; Jae noticed and explained their lustful sentiment.

"Sig has all the baddies."

He leaned forward towards me, and I flinched badly, only barely holding in a yelp of fear. But he was just reaching past to snag the joint from Glitch's hand. He brought it to his mouth slowly, big brown eyes never leaving mine, as if savoring my expressions.

"Guess they're getting another."

He followed with a second wink, and I couldn't hide the shy smile he inspired. Jae was so nice! Why couldn't Jaxx be more like him... He took a deep pull on the joint and closed his eyes, the picture of relaxation. It made me realize I was really nervous about the sorority event, could use the smoke... But no, I couldn't. Jae leaned back and handed the joint to the still half-dressed Jaxx, and Glitch pressed me with a question.

"So where you been? You don't come out?"

My answer was halting, unsure how to deal with that kind of obviously desiring male attention, especially surrounded by it.

"Uhm... No... Not... Not really... "

He pulled a face of pure injustice, like I'd told him a childhood pet didn't 'retire' to to a farm upstate.

"Shiiiit, you should! Come out with us tonight!"

"Uhmm... I..."

I didn't know how to answer, how to repeat myself verbatim without sounding rude or dismissive. Luckily, Jae came to my defense.

"Bruh you fuckin' stupid? She's got pref night. And we got Delt."

Glitch's expression was vaguely embarrassed, but he moved past it quickly.

"Oh shit... Come out tomorrow!"

Jae and Aaron cracked up, and Jaxx was behind him slapping the back of his head hard before vaulting over the couch in a sudden burst of movement. He was coming for me, and I squeaked and flinched again, expecting pain... but he landed perfectly next to me, his arm around my shoulders. Then he leaned past me, speaking as he grabbed the joint from Jae's hand

"Man... bid night."

Glitch rubbed the back of his, a look of anger lingering, before a slow, goofy grin replaced it.

"Fuck... Man... this tree's AIIIGHT!!"

They all died laughing, even Jaxx next to me, blowing his dank smoke all over us. It hung in the air, too much to be coincidence, like I was sitting in a cloud. I didn't look up, didn't want to see him. Instead I looked around, and the overly masculine tension had broken. They weren't all staring at me, openly fondling me with their eyes. Jaxx's presence gave me protection... a buffer, and also a buff; strengthening me at every point of contact.

It was enough for me to tolerate being a part of the conversation, every so often drawn in by little comments or flirty questions from the boys. But it didn't feel targeted, like victimization; I was an equal, afforded some basic respect. They even laughed WITH me when I described the tour of the sorority house like walking through the Victoria's secret factory. I didn't think it was even that funny... I guess when you looked like me, there was a lower bar to clear.

Eventually I checked my phone and noticed it was almost time for me to be at the sorority! I jumped up, but Jaxx grabbed me by the back of my dress.

"Chill. Walk with us."

He didn't hold me for long, but I felt stuck by his instruction. I couldn't defy him, even as anxious as I was to be perfectly on time.

"B-but... I'm gonna be--"

"--It won't matter if you're a little late."

I didn't trust him on that; what would HE know about sororities? But there wasn't a way to say it, so all that came out was a little whine that could have been agreement. The boys were slow getting up from their positions sunk into the couches... I managed to wait with only little signs of my impatience; fretting with the edges of my coat, tapping away on the small clutch I was carrying.

When we got outside I didn't regret waiting. It was fucking cold, and they naturally fell into places all around me, protecting me from the hardest blows of the wind. More, campus was alive with the energy of climaxing rush; groups of hyped freshman wandered around, leaving puffs of smoke or empty cans in their wake. More of those groups were boys (frat rush was a much less organized experience than sorority rush), and as each passing group saw me, I heard mutters, saw fingers pointing me out to their friends, felt prying eyes. I guess my dress was tight enough to be provocative, conservative as I thought it was.

Better than protecting me, the guys had their own attention to give. Except Jaxx walked ahead, never looking back, waving to at least one member of any group of girls we saw. Each made my gut twist; luckily Jae had taken up on my right, distracted me with questions about rush and the holidays. On my left Aaron interjected often with little quips that weren't half as funny as he thought... But I had to laugh along at how much he enjoyed his own humor. Glitch took up the rear, and I could feel his eyes watching me walk the whole time. I turned and caught him once to find no shame, just unabashed sexual desire. He kissed at me, and I turned back around quickly. With their company, it didn't take me long to get to Sig, only to find a line of pretty freshman girls in formal clothing stretching down the sidewalk.

The boys didn't stop with me, each leaving their own good bye. Jae wished me good luck, and I surprised myself giving him a little hug; he was so kind, and his support made me realize I really, really wanted to get into Sigma. Aaron offered me first puff off another joint he pulled out of his afro, and I declined again, impressed by his preparedness. Glitch took my hand and kissed it in exaggerated chivalry, and gave me another air-kiss as he walked away. His forwardness made me feel... I don't know.

Jaxx gave me a little wave, just like all the other girls... But there was a subtle wink, and that smirk. And I don't think it was just my desperate hope that he was trying to fuck with me, purposefully looking for a rise. It worked, but I was stronger than before; I knew I was special. It took a few deep breaths and I wrangled myself under control.

*

So there I was, bored and alone in line, exposed to the cold and the eyes and everything. I'd liked having guards, my shields against the world. And most of all, embarrassingly, I hated not having my eyes on Jaxx. Had I disappeared from his mind as soon as I left his sight? What were his friends saying about me? I thought I had a good idea.. but maybe I'd been mistaken, maybe they'd been giving me looks of judgement, making fun of me without me knowing.

Trying to distract myself, I checked my phone. Cindy hadn't responded to the text I'd sent when I'd arrived, though she had received and read it. I didn't know if that was good, bad, or nothing, but it meant no conversation or reassurance. I was on my own.

I lifted my head, taking a closer look at who was near me. There were still a good dozen girls between me and the sorority, and the line didn't seem to be moving quickly. Just ahead was a tall girl bundled up in a puffy parka, upper half totally concealed, lower half exposed in a pencil skirt, stockings and heels. Then I turned, face-to-face with who was behind.

She was about my height, maybe a little shorter, with olive skin, long straight black hair and an even more conservative dress than mine; long and white with sleeves. Her heels were tall and elegant, and her elaborate gold earrings sparkled in the headlights of passing cars. She looked up at my movement, and we caught each other's eyes.

Hers were wide set and thin; hooded, brown, with an impeccable smoky look and holding something more then just color that I recognized. Something deeper, fundamental. It inspired an unexpected confidence, and I stepped towards her before I could think twice about it. Later, I wondered if I had inhaled more of the boys smoke then I'd thought.

"Hi, I'm Sami!"

"Uhm... Mary..."

She was taken aback at my boldness, took a second or two to respond. Her hesitance didn't seem totally negative (at least, I hoped); more from anxiety at the unknown. I knew that feeling, rushed to reassure her. My

"Sorry, I... This is just so fucking... BORING, right?"

That cracked a shy smile, and I was even more sure that we were meant to be friends. I could see her thinking 'fuck it, why not?'

"Yeah... Yeah it really is!"

We fell into conversation quickly after that. Mary was a lot like me; quiet, reserved, feeling a little out of place even an entire semester into the school year. I think she recognized me as well-- She was quick to start unloading about her asshole ex from home, who she had been staying faithful to... Until she went back for the holidays and found him fucking her best friend from high school. In the new year she was feeling adrift without a social net (she'd spent most of freshman meet week face-timing with the boyfriend) and had decided to fix that by joining a sorority. When she met a sister who had talked her ear off about Sigma, it was good luck. When she'd met her again at one of the first two nights it was a sign, and sealed her choice.

"She was just so gorgeous!... I mean, like, I'm totally straight, but... like... Her hair, and her EYES, and--"

I had a funny feeling, spoke out of turn on a total hunch.

"--Was she... Was her name Cindy?"

"Oh my god, did you meet her too?"

That coincidence set off a whole new level of trust, and I gushed my own story out to her. Parts of it. Soon we were huddled together closely for warmth, making each other giggle with ridiculous guesses about what would happen inside the sorority house. Mary thought maybe they were torturing people, but I disagreed, because of the quiet. If they were torturing someone, they'd have to play music to drown out the sounds of screams. She'd pointed out they'd have a basement, probably soundproofed, but I thought it was a different sort of deviance; hypnosis, cult-enslavement.

Our morbid humor segued to a comfortable quiet, and we just stood close, calmly sharing each other's presence. We were close to the sorority by then, conversation making time fly, the door opening to invite the girl just ahead of me in, and slamming shut after. In the cold and dark for a little while more, I wondered how I'd managed to miss Mary before then. We must have been in the same room for freshman seminars, maybe even only feet away from each other. I'd probably been intimidated by her looks, her way of holding herself, the haughtiness on her face (product of being beautiful and pursued for your whole life)... In high school, Mary would have been the type of girl to laugh uncomfortably as her boyfriend shot spit balls at the back of my head. In college, for Sami, she was a social equal and fast friend.

Then the door was opening, and I was first in line, about to be beckoned in. At the same time I was grabbed by an urgent anxiety; what if Mary didn't pass whatever test awaited us? Or worse, what if she chose a different sorority? Even with the door awning open, I couldn't leave us so unresolved.

"Uhm... Are you rushing... Anywhere else?"

"What?... I went to a few events at TriDelt... But they were bitches--"

"--Good. I mean, not good, but... "

My eyes darted back and forth between her and the door to warmth and mystery, and I could tell she was just as aware of what I should have been doing. But I wanted to arrange something, make sure that new relationship didn't slip through my fingers, greedy for friends.

"I'll wait for you? After?"

She laughed as if the question was unnecessary, and waved her hands to urge me on.

"I won't leave without you."

That was all I needed, and I walked up into the rectangle of bright light, only looking back over my shoulder to catch her waving at me from the cold darkness.

"Good luck!"

And all at once, the door slammed behind me, and the lights turned off.

In the black silence, I heard my own gulp of fear very, very loudly. It had been dark outside, but city-dark; light up by traffic and street lights and windows and the moon. Inside the sorority, it was dark-dark. The windows must have been covered with something, and I couldn't see a thing. Then a gentle hand took mine and squeezed it in a way that told me everything I needed to know. I was safe, Cindy had me.

Suddenly as if cued, voices all around me began to sing quietly. The melody was pretty and high, dancing slowly around my head. Then candles were lighting around me, one-by-one, each sister with a light in their hand, until the entire room was cast in flickering shadows.

Cindy, holding her own candle, stepped forward and pulled me after, sisters parting to make way for us. She walked me through hallways jammed full of more sisters, candles in hand, all wearing long, flowing white dresses. In my head, the jokes about cults, torture, and hypnosis suddenly weren't so unbelievable... But I just squeezed Cindy's hand tighter, so relieved I had her.