Coming to Grips Ch. 01

Like sometimes with the other girls, Suzanne tried to blame the loss of her brother as to why she was different. It made her feel more vulnerable and alone. She also was very wary about having her feelings hurt. Deep down, however, she knew it wasn't true. Feeling this way had started before David's death. She had even talked to him once about it. He was the only person she had ever opened up to about boys. But he hadn't helped much. He assured her that everyone grows up at their own pace. One day she would wake up boy crazy, like every other girl. David smiled and told her that he was glad that she wasn't there yet. It was much easier not to have to worry about her and boys.

It was almost a year since they had that talk. As she lay in her sleeping bag, Suzanne wondered if her brother would ever be proven right. It worried her that it hadn't already happened. Maybe it never would was the thought that kept her awake. She sighed and rolled over, trying to find a little more comfortable spot.

"Suz?" Dawn whispered. Suzanne was sleeping right beside Dawn's bed.

"Yeah?"

"Are you awake?" Dawn asked and then giggled as she realized how silly her question was.

Suzanne giggled too before answering. "No, I'm sleeping like a baby," she said which prompted another round of giggling.

"Shhh," Dawn finally said. "I think the others really are sleeping. I don't want to wake them." They both were quiet for a minute as they listened. The steady breaths of the other three girls confirmed that they were indeed asleep.

Slipping out of her bed, Dawn kneelt down next to Suzanne and whispered in her ear. "Follow me." She stood up and quietly crept to the door and waited for Suzanne. Curious about what her friend wanted, Suzanne got up and followed her. They made their way through the darkened house to the family room. When Dawn sat down on the couch, Suzanne sat down close beside her so that they could both talk as quietly as possible.

"I get so tired of them bragging about how they are kissing before us. Don't you?" Dawn asked.

Suzanne hesitated before answering. The truth was she was tired of the whole topic but she didn't want to tell Dawn that. "Yeah, so tired," was all Suzanne said.

"I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about it and I heard you sighing and turning over. I figured you were having a hard time falling asleep for the same reason." Dawn paused expectantly.

Again, Suzanne didn't want to let on what really was bothering her. She simply replied, "Yeah."

"I think I want to kiss a boy, you know like Billy," Dawn said, mentioning one of the boys she had confessed to liking. "But I know I won't be the first girl he's kissed. I don't want him to know he's my first, you know?"

Not sure where Dawn was going, Suzanne nodded. There was enough light from the back porch that they could see each other now that their eyes had adjusted. Suzanne could see Dawn nervously fidgeting.

"I was thinking. You have the same problem, no experience. Maybe we could practice a little together just so we know what to do," Dawn said in a very tentative voice. It was clear that she was worried about how her friend would react.

"You want to kiss me?" Suzanne asked in surprise. At the same time, she felt her heart start to beat a little faster. It wasn't just surprise making her voice quiver. She just hoped that Dawn did not notice.

"Just so we don't look like total dorks when we kiss our first boys. Not because I want to kiss a girl!" Dawn's voice sounded slightly indignant as she said the last bit.

"Of course not! Me neither!" Suzanne instantly replied. She felt like Dawn must be able to see through her lie but apparently she was convincing.

"So do you want to try now?" Dawn asked, her hesitant tone returning.

"Now?" squeaked Suzanne. She could feel her hands get a little moist as her nervousness grew. She wasn't entirely sure she did want to try. "What if I enjoy it too much?" she thought to herself.

"Yeah now. When else will we have the chance and the nerve?" Dawn told her.

Suzanne could never remember how long their practice went on. It seemed like a wonderful dream to her. Their first attempts were clumsy and completely embarrassing but slowly they got better. Surprisingly Suzanne often led them in exploring. When they finally stopped, she was mostly worried that she had been too enthusiastic but it didn't seem like it had bothered Dawn. Both of them were feeling very tired and agreed that they should go back to bed.

"Thanks for teaching me how to kiss," Suzanne said

"You didn't need much teaching, Suz, You are going to make the guys who get to kiss you very happy!" Dawn replied.

"The boys are going to like your kisses too, Dawn," Suzanne told her as she got up. Her thoughts were jumbled up and she welcomed going back to bed. It was safer.

Once they settled back down, it seemed to Suzanne that Dawn fell quickly asleep. Her breathing became steady and Suzanne couldn't hear any movement. It was much harder for her. Suzanne lay there, unable to lose the memory of Dawn's lips on hers. They haunted her and it wasn't until sometime around 2 AM that she fell into an exhausted sleep.

While Suzanne remained good friends with Dawn for a couple of years, neither one of them ever brought up that night. When they went off to middle school, Dawn was one of the first girls to find a boyfriend. Most of Suzanne's circle of girlfriends were timid like Suzanne and did not start going out for a year or two. Over time, Dawn just started to move in a different circle of friends and they saw each other less and less.

Suzanne's first date was late in her 7th grade year with a boy she knew from church. Both of her parents became much more protective of her after David died. In general, they frowned on her forming any attachment with boys during middle school. The 9:30 curfew they imposed was part of that. In truth, Suzanne did not mind. She still joined in with her friends to talk about boys, but her enthusiasm remained low. When her girlfriends started to go steady, Suzanne used the excuse that her parents wouldn't let her as an excuse to never get to close to any one of the boys.

That did not stop Suzanne from experimenting with kissing a few of the nicest boys. Whenever she let it happen, Suzanne would kiss them like she had kissed Dawn, hoping to recapture that excitement and feeling of longing. The truth was that every kiss seemed to be lacking in comparison. Suzanne never felt that longing for something more.

When Suzanne went to high school, it was a bit of a shock. Through eighth grade, her classmates had all been from the same small town. She knew most of them very well. The high school served a big area and it was hard for her to adjust. She already felt like she didn't fit in at times. The big school magnified that feeling. Suzanne had continued to excel in her classes and she end up taking all honors and AP classes. Since only a few of her friends were in them, she found herself outside her normal social circle. Making new ones was the same challenge it had always been.

The adjustment was even harder given her height. By 9th grade, Suzanne had adjusted to having such a tall body. Most of the time she had a good grasp on where her body was and she was no longer as ungainly as even one year before. Still it was yet one more way for her to feel different. Suzanne would have liked to be short enough to hide; instead, it was impossible to avoid notice.

While she maintained her friendships with many of the girls from her hometown, very slowly Suzanne built up a new group of friends. Many of them were from her honors classes while others were girls she got to know on the volleyball team. As soon as the girls' sports coaches saw her, they all wanted Suzanne to play on their teams. Unfortunately for the basketball coach, Suzanne did not have much of an aptitude and even less enthusiasm. With volleyball, Suzanne was at least a fair talent and she enjoyed it. When combined with her height, she ended up being on the varsity team all four years of high school. Suzanne really was more interested in having it on her record for colleges to see, but it was still fun and she formed some good friendships.

There was one thing about being tall that Suzanne did not mind. Through most of high school, she was taller than a high percentage of the boys. A relatively small group of guys was interested in dating someone who was taller than they were. Even when she was shorter, a lot of them still preferred to go out with average height girls. It didn't bother Suzanne very much. It was a natural excuse as to why she did not date much.

Even though she lived in a small conservative rural area, Suzanne was not naïve. Gay awareness was not big around there but still Suzanne recognized that her attraction to girls might just be who she was. Certainly she wasn't finding that her interest in boys was growing. Her brother had been wrong about that. Suzanne felt like an outsider in yet another way.

It might not have been so hard if she had anyone with whom to talk, but all her friends seemed to be happy with their boyfriends. In addition, the last thing Suzanne wanted was for others to see her as different. Being the tall geeky brain was bad enough without people calling her a lesbian. There had been a rumor that the principal was going to designate one counsellor as a gay ally to give students someone they could talk to. But some of the parents got wind of the rumor and went to the school board. That put an end to any further talk of gay allies.

What made it worst of all for Suzanne was that her parents were among the complaining parents. Her mother was actually one of the leaders. Already scared that her parents would discover how she felt, Suzanne was even more closed after that.

Continuing her pattern from middle school, Suzanne dated a couple of different boys from church. Unlike some of the other boys from church, the guys she went out with were devout believers. They had signed chastity pledges, just like Suzanne, and they took them seriously. The most that she ever did was kiss and she felt no pressure to do anything else. Her parents were happy with her dating experience, although for somewhat different reasons.

In particular, her mother was just happy that her daughter was a good girl who rejected the immoral ways of too many of her friends. There were a number who had even gotten pregnant. Mostly it was just rumors, but some of the girls went through with their pregnancies. Dawn was one of them. As soon as she heard, Suzanne's mother had forbidden her from doing anything more with Dawn. Loyal to her friends, Suzanne just made sure that her mom did not find out about the times when she hung out with Dawn. She wasn't going to drop her friend, even though they had drifted apart. Dawn needed friends and Suzanne didn't let her down.

More important to her mom was the idea that Suzanne would stay a virgin until she was married and the settle down to raise a family. After all, she had been a housewife and had a pretty happy life, except for the tragedy. If anything that only made her want to see Suzanne married more. By now her son might have had children and she really wanted grandbabies.

Suzanne's father had a different perspective. Although a very religious man, he recognized how the world had changed. Few families could get by on a single income. A woman who was completely dependent upon her husband was in an unenviable position. He wanted his daughter to be able to take care of herself, just in case. And today that meant college which would be hard for him to afford. When Suzanne put studying ahead of boys, he heartily agreed and even supported her when his wife pestered Suzanne to go out on dates. Anything that improved her chance at a scholarship was fine with him.

For most of her time in high school, the balance that Suzanne was seeking worked. Looking back later, she realized she wasn't particularly happy, but at least she wasn't unhappy either. It seemed like a fair bargain at the time. Things could have been much worse.

The equilibrium in Suzanne's life was finally thrown off during her senior year. A new girl named Chloe transferred into school. The fact that she moved there from Los Angeles caught everyone's interest but no one more than Suzanne. She found herself fascinated by Chloe.

They met on Chloe's first day of school. Her mother had been through a divorce and moved back in with her parents who still lived in Suzanne's small town. It turned out their mothers knew each other growing up which made it logical for Suzanne to be asked to show Chloe around.

It did not take much for them to become friends. They were both discontented with the stifling life of their small town; Chloe because she missed Los Angeles and Suzanne because she longed to breakout. Although Chloe tried to adopt an image of indifference to school, the truth was that she was smart and did very well in the same honors and AP classes as Suzanne. The two of them started to spend more and more of their time together.

Although they were both 18, physically Suzanne and Chloe were close to opposites. While Suzanne was tall and slender with dark eyes and long dark brown hair, Chloe was short and curvy with sapphire blue eyes to go with her short blonde hair. She was not overly buxom but she definitely had a lot more there than Suzanne did. The rest of her was also much more rounded than Suzanne. The first time that Suzanne had met her, Suzanne was stunned by how good looking she was. She was so tongue-tied, just talking was hard to do. Chloe was so nice that it didn't last, but Suzanne always remembered how that first time felt.

The fact that she came from Los Angeles, combined with her good looks, meant that almost every guy in the high school lusted after Chloe. Even the ones with steady girlfriends would try to flirt with her. It did not take long for them to find out that Chloe had no interest. It was like hitting a brick wall. Suzanne watched as Chloe shut down every one of them. Most of the time, Chloe was pleasant about the unwanted attention. The attached guys got the worst of it. She did not seem to mind humiliating them.

"What a scumbag," Chloe told Suzanne after she harshly shot down a boy who was dating one of the cheerleaders. "He's got a gorgeous girlfriend; yet it isn't enough. I hate how they all act like I'm easy just because I'm from LA."

"Not all of them have girlfriends. Don't any of them interest you?" Suzanne asked. She was actually glad. Having become good friends, she didn't really want to have to share Chloe with a boyfriend.

"Well, the truth is that I was kind of going out with someone back home. We didn't make any promises but I'm trying to be faithful," Chloe told her. It seemed to Suzanne that Chloe's face was slightly guarded, as if there was more to it than that. She still wasn't comfortable enough with Chloe to ask anything more. Suzanne just nodded and accepted the explanation.

Over the next couple of months, Suzanne and Chloe hung out together more and more. Now when Suzanne was asked out, more often than not she found an excuse not to say yes. Between school and volleyball, there was always a reasonable excuse; most of the time Suzanne even believed it herself. Occasionally she admitted that it would have taken time away from Chloe. It didn't matter what they did; whether it was studying, carpooling back to town or just talking, being with Chloe made Suzanne happy in a way she couldn't remember ever being.

Slowly however things seemed to be changing. At first, it was just Suzanne noticing how cute Chloe was. When Chloe was distracted or looking away, Suzanne often found herself taking the chance to look at Chloe's body. Always wanting to blend in, Suzanne had become pretty good at the surreptitious glance. But more frequently, Suzanne found herself gazing at Chloe's pretty face. After Chloe caught her a few times, Suzanne started to avoid consciously looking at her in the face. It was too easy to be trapped by her stunning blue eyes and left stammering. Chloe never asked what was going on, but sometimes she would get a little smile on her face before looking away. It worried Suzanne. She was afraid that she would somehow offend her friend. Even worse was the fear that her attraction to girls would be discovered.

Although they had not been close back in school, Suzanne and Chloe's mothers renewed their friendship. Especially with their daughters spending so much time together, it was natural. For Suzanne's mother, it was also fun to have someone around who was new. Never having left her hometown, her circle of friends was the same as it had been when she graduated. Occasionally all three parents would go out for dinner and leave the girls behind. They appreciated the chance to have an adult night out.

The Friday before Thanksgiving, Chloe's mom had called and suggested going to a dinner and a movie. They asked the girls if they wanted to come but it was clearly a movie for an older audience. Neither one of them was interested. Instead Chloe came over to spend the night with Suzanne since their parents didn't expect to get home until late.

As soon as the adults left, the girls ordered pizza. It didn't take long for it to be delivered. Suzanne noticed that for once, it seemed like Chloe was the one who was more ill at ease. She did not talk nearly as much as Suzanne did and seemed lost in thought at times.

"Are you okay, Chloe?" Suzanne finally asked. It was so unlike her friend.

Looking up, Chloe seemed for a moment to be unable to talk. Reaching over to pick up her glass of Coke, she took a big gulp. "Yeah, I'm okay," she said, still sounding hesitant. Finally, as if deciding to plunge in, she looked directly into Suzanne's eyes. Once again, Suzanne found herself starting to feel lost in them. This time was not as disconcerting since Chloe had initiated it.

"You remember how I told you that I had someone back home?" Chloe quietly asked. Suzanne nodded. "Well I decided to just end it. Long distance relationships are tough, especially at our age. Anyhow I'm finding myself falling for someone here; and it just didn't feel right otherwise."

Her jaw dropping open with surprise, Suzanne could not help bursting out, "What? Who is he?" At the same time she thought, "How can she be such good friends with me and keep this from me?"

Seeing the hurt look on Suzanne's face, Chloe reached out and touched her arm. "No, it isn't like that," she told her friend. "I should have told you this earlier. I never said the person in L.A. was a guy." Carefully watching Suzanne's face, Chloe continued. "I had a girlfriend in L.A. I'm a lesbian, Suzanne."

The hurt look slowly disappeared and was replaced by one that Chloe found hard to read. At least there was no trace of anger or disgust. That had been her worst fear. It was promising enough to encourage her to go on.

"I'm sorry, Suzanne. I wanted to be honest with you but down there, it wasn't a big deal. Up here in Bumfuck, USA ... it is. And my mom knew it would be. She's supported me but she suggested that I be careful about it here. She said the transition would be hard enough. And she was right. I'm okay with who I am, but I also just wanted to keep it private." Chloe stopped talking and waited for Suzanne to say something.

When Suzanne spoke, she sounded extremely nervous. She didn't say anything at all about Chloe's confession. All she asked was, "Who are you falling for?"

There was almost a look of panic in Chloe's eyes as they darted around the room, trying desperately not to look Suzanne in the face. Wanting to get a little control back, she took a deep breath. Chloe could feel how she was trembling. She could not remember ever feeling this vulnerable. Taking a couple more breaths did not help much.