Coming to Grips Ch. 03

Inside her head, Suzanne could hear the accusing voice ringing. The guilt washed over her. "You don't deserve happiness," it said. She knew it was true, after what she had done to Chloe. This was her punishment. Everything she told Colby was true, but deep down this was the truth she couldn't speak.

"Oh Suzanne," Colby said in a voice full of emotion. "I'm so sorry. Everyone deserves happiness."

"Not me," the voice in Suzanne's head responded, but she didn't say anything. It was not a conversation she wanted. Finally, as the silence dragged on she felt like she had to say something. "Thanks, Colby. Could we stop talking about it for now? It's been a long day and my head is starting to hurt."

"Of course. Just know I'm here for you as your friend," Colby said with a smile. She gave Suzanne's hand another squeeze and felt an answering one back. She started to pull her hand away but Suzanne's fingers tightened, so she kept it there. "If she finds it comforting, I'm happy to hold her hand," she thought.

The rest of the flight was mostly quiet. Colby got her book out and read while Suzanne seemed to doze. Certainly, the conversation took a lot out of her. Towards the end, she really did fall asleep, but she spent most of it trying to sort out her conflicting feelings. She didn't get very far.

After landing, it took them a while to get to the hotel. It was somewhat of a later flight anyhow and then their bags took forever to show up. Despite the hour, the line for a taxi was long so they didn't actually get to the hotel until 10.

When they finished checking in, Colby looked over at Suzanne. "Do you want to get something to eat in the hotel restaurant?"

"I'm not really that hungry," Suzanne said in reply.

Colby looked at her. "I'm famished. How can you not be too? All we had were those sandwiches that we wolfed down hours ago." Her concern for Suzanne was apparent.

"I ... I'm a little nauseous. It must have been something to do with the cab ride and an empty stomach. I think I'll go to my room and let it settle, and then order some room service," Suzanne said without meeting Colby's eyes. Her hand was playing with the handle of her luggage and she was looking there. Eventually, she looked up at Colby. "I can keep you company, if you want."

Colby couldn't keep the sympathy she felt out of her eyes. "No. If you aren't feeling well, you should go up to your room. I can do room service too. You need to eat something though, okay?"

"I know," Suzanne said with a sigh.

They walked to the elevator and made their plans for meeting in the morning. This time, they were not on the same floor and Colby got off the elevator first. "Well, have a good night. See you tomorrow!" she said. "Oh, and don't forget to eat something."

"Yes, Mom," Suzanne told the younger woman with a little smile as the door closed. She leaned against the wall of the elevator until it got to her floor. Mustering the strength to stand up straight, she walked out and made her way to the room. As soon as she was in, she got out everything she would need in the morning. She felt lethargic and when she was done, Suzanne sat down heavily on the bed. After a moment, she just fell backwards with her feet still on the ground. For a little while, she just laid like that and tried to quiet the voices in her mind. It was a struggle, but eventually she subdued them.

Finally, Suzanne sat up, grabbed the hotel guide, and looked at the room service menu. Nothing looked good to her. "I'm just not in the mood to eat," she told herself. "All I really want to do is go to sleep." She put the guide back down and got up so she could get ready for bed. As she put toothpaste on her toothbrush, Suzanne sighed as she felt a little bad about having told Colby that she would eat. "I'm so good at feeling guilty," Suzanne thought. "I wish it wasn't one of the things I excel at!"

When she was in bed, Suzanne lay on her side and looked at the menu one more time. Still, nothing appealed to her. She put her head on the pillow and looked again. "God, I'm tired," she thought. "I'll just close my eyes for a second and rest." It felt much better to give into the bone weariness. Within moments, she was asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, she woke up long enough to turn off the light but otherwise she slept through the night. If she dreamed, she didn't remember any of them.

The next day was pretty much a repeat of the one before, just in a different hotel. There were a few hiccups with some of the equipment but Colby turned out to be quite good at troubleshooting them. At the end of the day, Suzanne was once again extremely pleased with the data they gathered. Just like Tuesday, they left for the airport as soon as they finished packing up everything.

Getting to their flight wasn't quite so rushed as the evening before. There were more options for flights to Chicago, and Suzanne picked one that gave them more time. The tradeoff was that they would get to the hotel somewhat later.

At breakfast, Suzanne had confessed to not eating when Colby checked on it. Suzanne was properly contrite, but had to hide the little smile at how Colby got pissed off. She was actually extremely cute as she lectured Suzanne about the importance of good nutrition. Since they had more time now, Colby insisted that they eat at one of the airport restaurants.

"Since I can't trust you to take care of yourself," Colby told Suzanne in a stern tone. "I'm going to make sure you get something tonight." This time Suzanne didn't even try to hide her smile of amusement. She also did not argue with Colby. They found a nice place relatively close to their gate where the line wasn't long.

While waiting for their food, they drank a glass of wine and talked about the day. Colby thought that Suzanne seemed substantially more at ease than she had seen for the rest of the week. Certainly, a second positive day of customer testing had helped. "It's more than that," she thought. "That sense of melancholy isn't as strong. It's not completely gone, just more muted." She did not want to do anything that might stoke it back up so she stuck with talking about the focus group. Still, it seemed like Suzanne was a little quieter than normal.

Colby was trying to come up with something else to talk about when Suzanne spoke again. "Thanks for listening yesterday," she said and looked into Colby's eyes. "It was good, I think. I've kept it bottled up for so long. I don't know what I want, but at least I'm thinking about it."

"Anytime," Colby said. "I haven't gone through anything like you have, so I can't say I've been there. I can still listen though." She smiled at Suzanne with one of her smiles that lit up her face.

The way Colby looked gave Suzanne a small pang in her heart. "She's so lovely and so nice," she thought. It was hard not to feel attracted to her. Anyone would want to be with her. Even as those thoughts crossed her mind, she couldn't avoid the feeling of guilt. She tried to tell herself it was because of their working together; deep down she knew it was much more than that. What she did to Chloe was still raw. "Someone like Colby deserves a better person than you," a little voice inside her head whispered. She tried to hide from the feeling and faked a smile back. Despite the attempt, Suzanne couldn't escape beating herself up with darker thoughts. Memories of Chloe crowded into her head. Her eyes dropped away from Colby's face.

"What is it?" Colby asked.

For a few moments, Suzanne resisted answering, but she could tell that Colby wasn't going to leave it alone. "I was just thinking about Chloe. I hurt her so much. I wouldn't even tell her why."

"You need to give yourself a break," Colby tried to reason with her. "You were in an impossible place."

The anguish Suzanne felt was obvious in her voice. "I didn't even say goodbye."

Colby felt a lump in her throat. It may have been eight years, but the pain Suzanne felt wasn't diminished. It was just as powerful as it had been when all this happened. She wished she could do something to help.

"Suzanne, you have to find a way to move on. You can't let this define your life. You deserve to find happiness," Colby said as sympathetically as she could.

"Do I? I messed up Chloe's life," Suzanne whispered.

"You two were young. It hurt her but she must have gotten over it," Colby said. Dropping her head even further, Suzanne was quiet. Colby quickly got a bad feeling. "Suzanne, what happened to Chloe?"

"Nothing good, I heard. I mean I didn't keep in touch, but I heard through a few people she got into trouble after she moved back to Los Angeles," Suzanne replied. After a few moments, she added "I heard she got into drugs." She looked up at Colby and her face was ashen. "The Chloe I knew would never have done that. She changed because of what I did ... to the person I loved. I loved her and I didn't think about her. And she is paying for what I did."

Reaching over with both of hers, Colby held onto Suzanne's hands. "She made her choices too. Whatever the reason she was hurt, you can't take responsibility for her choices. Don't do this to yourself, Suzanne. Do you really think she would want you to punish yourself forever?"

Suzanne looked up into Colby's face. "Yes, I do, until I die." Her voice was completely calm and steady. There was a conviction in her eyes that let Colby know just how deeply Suzanne believed that. Something in the way that Suzanne said it scared the hell out of Colby. She couldn't put her finger on it, but it was chilling nevertheless.

"I can't believe that and as your friend, it's my duty to help you start to enjoy your life. Did you have fun last night?" Colby asked.

Even though acknowledging it made her feel guilty, Suzanne couldn't lie. "Yes, it was nice."

"Well, I was going to tell you at some point but since we are staying in Chicago tomorrow night, there is this lesbian bar a friend told me about. I was thinking of checking it out. I think we should go together," Colby told Suzanne. Colby smiled at the look on Suzanne's face as she reacted to the abrupt change in subject. "Seriously Suzanne, you could use another fun night. There will be music and dancing," Colby continued. "I know you aren't ready for this back home, but at least here you can see what it's like. You did say that you didn't feel bound by the promise anymore."

Suzanne was quiet as she looked at Colby. Her mind was a jumble of different thoughts. Meeting Sandy had been happenstance. She wasn't looking to find a woman and make out with her. Going to a lesbian bar was completely different. It was a deliberate act. Despite no longer feeling bound to the promise, Suzanne couldn't help a feeling of unease.

"I don't know, Colby," Suzanne finally said. "I'm not sure I'm ready for it, even here."

"I'm not talking about trying to hook up. I'm just saying, let's go have some fun at a place where you are around other women, women like you," Colby told her. "It just seems like it would be easier if you could go someplace with a friend you trust. I hope I'm that."

"Oh, you are Colby. You are my friend and I do trust you. It's just a big step," Suzanne replied.

"I know it is. Don't decide now. Just think about it and you can decide tomorrow," Colby said.

Suzanne nodded. It felt better to push out the choice. "Alright, I'll tell you then."

Colby steered the conversation into other directions. Even though Suzanne participated fully, she couldn't help being distracted by Colby's suggestion. Her mind kept coming back to it. It both thrilled her and terrified her.

It was almost time for their flight so they quickly paid the bill and headed to their gate. The question of tomorrow night kept intruding into Suzanne's thoughts until they were up in the air. She felt fortunate that she had work to do and once she had her laptop out, Suzanne buried her head in it for the rest of the flight. Even when she had to put her laptop away as they got ready to land, she was not done with work and her head was fully occupied with making lists of everything that she still needed to do.

By the time they got to the hotel, it was too late to do anything. As with the previous nights, they reviewed everything about the following day as they went to their rooms. They were on the same floor this time so they talked for a few minutes in front of the elevator before parting. Colby went immediately to bed, but Suzanne went back to work for another couple of hours. When she finally got into bed, it was almost 2 AM; she had to be up a short four hours later.

Despite feeling dead to the world when she woke, Suzanne was up on time and down in the restaurant before Colby. She didn't let her weariness get in the way of having a successful day. None of the customers in the user group testing had any idea and it went off without a hitch. When it was over, Colby and Suzanne got everything packed up and ready to either be shipped back or carried with them. They actually finished a little earlier than either Tuesday or Wednesday. It was a good thing since, unlike the previous days, they had a dinner meeting with a vice-president from one of their largest customers.

They met him at the restaurant. Suzanne knew him from several meetings in the past. He was in his late forties and she had enjoyed getting to know him. Despite their good relationship, the primary purpose of the meeting was to negotiate a renewal of their licenses. While Suzanne wasn't in Sales, she sometimes had to take on the role. Colby was impressed by how tough Suzanne was in the negotiations. She managed to keep the discussion pleasant while extracting a significant increase in the license fees based upon the new features they had been testing.

"Wow, Suzanne," Colby told her during the cab ride back to the hotel. "I can't believe how you handled that. Jim is going to be so happy. You got everything we were looking for; I mean everything we really wanted. Just another reason I can see why Jim thinks so much of you."

Suzanne blushed and looked away. She always hated praise. "Well, we have what they needed, and I compromised some."

"Not on anything that you really cared about!" The admiring tone in Colby's voice just got stronger.

"Well... Okay, yeah we got a good deal," Suzanne finally admitted with a grin.

Colby grinned. She thought to herself that now was probably the best time to bring up going out. At least Suzanne was feeling good. "So what about tonight? Have you decided whether you are going to come with me?"

The grin on Suzanne's face disappeared in an instant. It was replaced by almost a look of panic. "I don't know. I wasn't thinking about going out and I didn't bring anything for a club. I've got nothing to wear."

"Bullshit, Suzanne! First, there is no right thing to wear. Second, I know you brought a pair of jeans to wear on the plane tomorrow. Just wear those with the blouse you have on and you will look great," Colby told her. "Especially if you unbutton two more buttons," she added with a grin. "Come on, please! I don't really want to go alone."

Even though it felt slightly manipulative, Suzanne admitted that Colby's plea helped make up her mind. Now it was easy to tell herself that she was doing it for Colby. Suzanne did not have to decide if she wanted to go for herself. "Fine, I will do it," she said quietly, "since you want me to so much." She laughed at the big grin that Colby got. "Yes, you win."

"Yay! I win!" Colby said. Suzanne loved the slightly smartass tone in Colby's voice. Since meeting her, she always felt a little better about being around her. Colby just had a positive attitude and never took the world too seriously. Suzanne wished she could be more like Colby in many ways.

"It's almost 9. We'll be back at the hotel in a few minutes. When should we meet to go? Half an hour?" Suzanne asked.

"That sounds good. I can just manage to make myself look good in 30 minutes," Colby said with a smile.

Suzanne couldn't help thinking that Colby didn't need 30 seconds. Even after a long workday where she had been running for much of it, Colby looked gorgeous. She wasn't sure what half an hour of primping would do to make her look better. Suzanne flushed and turned away, hoping that Colby did not notice. For herself, Suzanne didn't plan on doing much. As Colby said, she wasn't going there to hook up. She would change into her jeans and touch up the light amount of makeup she wore. Still she felt nervous. Completely forgetting about Sandy's reaction to her, she wondered if anyone would find her interesting.

As they got to the hotel and headed up in the elevator, Colby looked over at Suzanne. She could see the growing nervousness in her. She reached over and squeezed Suzanne's arm. "Don't worry. It will be fun! I promise you that you'll enjoy yourself!"

"I hope so," Suzanne said quietly.

Colby almost chuckled but remembering what Suzanne had been through made her hold back. It was a big step for her and Colby did not want to mock her. "You will," she said with certainty. "I'll come by your room in about 30 minutes, okay?"

"Sounds good," Suzanne said as the elevator door opened. They both headed in opposite directions towards their rooms.

Once Suzanne was in her room, she went and sat down on the bed. She could feel her heart beating hard. "What have I agreed to?" she asked herself. She started to take off her trousers. As she pulled out her cell phone, she noticed that there was another voice message from her dad. She sank back down onto the bed again and stared at the screen until it faded to black. Finally, she unlocked her phone, went to the voice mails, and hit play on the one from Sunday night.

"Suzanne, I wish you hadn't run out like that. I ... uh ... I thought you could find happiness with ... uh ... someone if you just gave it a chance. I never wanted you to be unhappy. I hate leaving messages. Would you call and talk?" Her father's voice was much less firm than normal. Suzanne could tell that he didn't really know what to say. She paused for a moment and then hit play on today's message.

"Honey, you haven't called me back. I know you are mad at me, but I thought we could always talk." There was silence for a few moments and she thought that maybe he had hung up, but then she heard him speak again. "It's been tearing me up to think that you've been that unhappy all these years. You never said anything. I'd just like to talk. Call me when you're back in town."

Suzanne's hand fell down onto the bed, the phone still held in her fingers. She just sat there, not sure how to take either message. He didn't really say much. She thought, "Of course, I didn't say anything. What was there to say?" She still didn't know. It wasn't as if it would make any fundamental difference. In the end, this wasn't something he could bend on.

All of a sudden, Suzanne felt a wave of weariness. What she really wanted to do was curl up in a ball and go to sleep until she needed to leave for the airport. She was tempted to call Colby and tell her to go without her, but she had a sense that Colby wasn't going to let her off, especially now that she had agreed. Sighing, she got up and finished slipping off her trousers.

Going to her bag, she got out her jeans. At least they were her tight ones, she thought. Normally if she brought jeans along on a trip, they were her ultra-comfortable ones. For some reason, she had packed the ones that flattered her. They were low-waisted and tight in a way that emphasized how long her legs were. She pulled them on and carefully tucked in and arranged her blouse. It was all white with little tiny pleated stripes and a nice oxford style collar. Once she undid the buttons like Colby suggested, it did look good enough for going out. Like the rest of her body, her neck was long and lean. She put on a silver belt before brushing out her hair so that it looked much better and then touched up her mascara and lipstick. After adding a few drops of perfume, she decided that her eye shadow and liner was still good enough. Glancing at her watch, she realized there were still 15 minutes left.