Confessing My Fantasies Ch. 03

Continued from Ch 02..

I returned a few days later for my next therapy session.

The previous one had been intense. It was kind of mind-blowing to think that a couple of sessions ago I hadn't yet revealed what my fantasies were about, and in the last one I had been so incredibly detailed in my descriptions. On one hand, it had been liberating and exciting. On the other hand it had been kind of overwhelming...

I would be lying if I said I didn't feel an odd sense of vertigo. Was this the start of some change? Would saying all of this out loud change the way I felt about it? I had no idea. What was the purpose of my therapist making me admit all of those things? I always thought that the goal was to get it off one's shoulders and also get another person's perspective. But now I wasn't so sure if it was just taking a weight off my shoulders or if instead I was blowing these feelings up like balloons that would eventually lift me off and take me somewhere without much control.

Whatever the case, I had to admit it felt exciting to discuss these matters so openly. Fantasizing is one thing, but speaking certain things out loud was something else entirely. I had pondered why, and I thought that spoken language triggers other areas of our brain that our thoughts can't. If it wasn't the case, we wouldn't be able to hear others talking to us while we were imagining other dialogues.

I was lost in such thoughts and realized I had already made it to my therapist's building. She greeted me with a complicit smile and we made our way to her office. This time I didn't lay down but sat across from her as we usually did.

"Here we are again," she smiled warmly.

I smiled back but said nothing. It was clear that my thoughts since the last time were making me slightly wary.

"How are you feeling?"

I tilted my head and shrugged.

"Ok, I guess..." I said.

"Just ok? We made so much progress last time! You should feel happy and proud. And not just because you were able to confront those issues, but also because you have an incredibly vivid imagination in terms of your sexuality. I'm going to tell you that it's not common at all."

That made me feel better. For some reason I felt like a diamond in the rough. Or like I was sitting on top a gold mine. As if I had something valuable that I didn't quite understand yet but could potentially be life-changing, hopefully in a good way.

"Thanks," I said. This time with a more genuine smile.

"Now that we are here, I want to remind you of something you said last time. Something about a feeling you discovered that humbled you. Remember that?"

"How could I not," I thought. Those feelings in particular were, if possible, more intense than describing very explicit fantasies. Because they weren't necessarily part of my imagination and thus as artificial as I wanted. Those feelings were rather an involuntary or natural part of myself. For that reason alone, I had a lot of respect for them. They lived in a part of me that I don't think I even had the key for. And yet they felt mine in a way that not even my fantasies felt. The conversation was about to get interesting...

"I do. But I'm not sure exactly where you want me to begin..." I said.

"Well. Tell me all about that discovery you made. In my notes here it says something about your discovery of prostate pleasure. Can you talk about that?"

I gathered my thoughts. This was something that happened way back but most of the details were as clear as if it had happened yesterday.

"Alright. This all started when I moved to a dorm for college. It was a time when the Internet started being fast enough for the download of movies etc."

"Porn, you mean," she interrupted.

"No. Not at all. In this case, there was a person in the same dorm that had tons of CDs with movies. This was way before Netflix was a thing etc, so unless you went to the cinema or bought the DVD yourself, most movies were something you had to see on TV years later or at someone's house."

"I see. So we are talking kind of like 20 years ago or so?" she asked.

"More or less. The thing is. The movie "Road Trip" came into my possession. It was the age of all those teen movies like American Pie etc. And for a lot of us they had that comfortable mix of the familiar and the kinky that maybe porn itself just didn't. You could watch these films with slightly less worry to be discovered doing so, let's say."

"I understand. Like putting only one foot in the water."

"Yes. The thing is, that film ended with a scene in which one of the characters gets a prostate massage from a nurse. It sparked my curiosity."

"Interesting. But I'm guessing you didn't go seek out a nurse to do that to you, did you?" she said with a smirk.

"Haha. Not at all. But I did have something. The medkit I had brought with me to the dorm included a thermometer. I and even though my temperature had never been taken that way, I still knew that they could be introduced...there."

"I see... So we could say that in that thermometer, you found your first sex toy? Your first anal sex toy, rather?"

"Absolutely. It was thin, obviously, and I was always careful with it because of all the horror stories I had heard about them. But it still worked to get some sort of stimulation," I explained.

"Did it feel good?"

"It did. But nothing extreme. So it was something that I rarely indulged on. Actually, I think I enjoyed the preparation as much or even more than the stimulation. You know. Locking my dorm room door, applying some lube, getting on all fours or raising my hips on the pillow... That kind of thing."

"I understand what you mean. You started understanding, subconsciously, that it wasn't just about the stimulation for you. That the whole feeling of being exposed was a big part of it. Did you imagine anything in particular while this happened? did you fantasize about specific situations while you did this?" she inquired.

"Honestly I don't really remember. I think back then I imagined a pretty nurse using the thermometer on me. And I realized that my fantasies had a lot of components related to fear of being caught, which wasn't really fear but actually a thrill. So for a example. A fantasy could be about my temperature being taken by a nurse in a doctor's office, the nurse having to go out to get something and the door being left slightly open for a passerby to see, or maybe another nurse or doctor entering the room for some other reason."

"So a strong component of arousing shame," she said.

"Pretty much."

"I understand. But obviously there's a step somewhere after that. There's gotta be a transition between wanting a nurse to put a thermometer in you rectum and wanting the penis of a strong dominant man in there," she said rather bluntly, making a jolt go through my body. So far the conversation hadn't directly alluded to any of the more direct desires we had spoken of in the last session. It was a like a sudden wake-up call.

"Er... Yes. I know what you mean."

"So...? How does one go from one to the other? Was it gradual? Was there something that changed the situation?"

"Alright. It's kind of embarrassing to admit..." I said begrudgingly.

"After all you've shared here? That sounds imposible," she smiled.

"It hadn't been long since the release of one of the Star Wars prequels. I guess it was the second. Just for laughs, we had gotten a hold of a few toy lightsabers. You know, the laser swords that they use..."

"Yes. I'm aware of them. Remember the first film came out in the seventies. Probably way before you were born"

"Yeah. Well. The thing is, one of them came into my possession. Those toys are made of plastic and have a telescopic structure to them. You know, they are made of pieces and extendable."

"I think I know where you are going with this..." she said quietly.

"See? Embarrassing," I said almost laughing.

"So in that lightsaber toy, or a part of that lightsaber toy, you found your next anal toy. Am I off the mark?"

"Spot on. I sort of graduated from the little thermometer to something that actually..."

"Actually what?," she asked, intrigued.

"This is the part that I told you I felt humbled by. Up until then, my forays into anal pleasure with the thermometer were just a small indulgence. A small kinky thing I liked but thought nothing of. I had never considered or envisioned taking it further than that."

"But you did. You did take it further. You had a toy in your possession that seemed like the perfect thing to try to get closer to another feeling you were curious about."

"I guess..."

"Don't guess. Say it out loud."

"The tip part of the lightsaber toy was...the perfect thing to get me closer to the feeling of a cock inside me..." even the words surprised me.

"Excactly. Whatever your conscious feelings on the matter, however small the thermometer was, your body knew what it wanted. Your prostate knew that it craved something bigger, something more imposing. No longer a tickle. This was something that had some weight to it. Some authority once it was inside you. Does that resonate with you?"

She had me to a tee. She was right. I said I hadn't considered taking it further but the moment I had a slightly more penis-like object in my possession, trying it out was something I just had to do...

"It does."

"And I'm guessing trying that out was the moment of realization you spoke about on our last session..."

"Yes. As I said, I always looked sideways at men that indulged or primary centered their sexuality around this concept. If the comparison is valid, I sort of saw it as a form of sexual gluttony. Something that they took way too far where it wasn't necessary. And that they couldn't let go. Maybe akin to a drug addiction," I tried to explain.

"Sure. And you saw yourself above all that."

"Yes. Until that moment."

"What moment? Use your words, since you are so good with them."

I hesitated but only briefly.

"Until the moment the lightsaber toy started pusing and rubbing my prostate, making me see stars and making my eyes roll into the back of my head..."

"That much pleasure, huh...?"

"Yes. The thermometer was like you said, a tickle in comparison. This made me feel full. It made itself 'known' when it was inside, if that serves to explain it somehow. I was not something timidly searching inside me. It was opening its own way inside, telling my rectum to make way and intimidating my prostate by sheer strength of will..."

"That came out very poetic... she said, "But it helps me understand exactly what you mean. It wasn't a stimulation you were doing to yourself. This felt probably like something was being done to you. That's quite a change."

"It was," I admitted.

"And let me guess. This feeling of something being done to you needed a replica in your fantasies. And I have a hunch that you didn't imagine a pretty nurse using the lightsaber toy on you..."

"No, I did not."

"What then?"

"Well. That was kind of the point of no return. Everything I had thought up until then, all my judgement of others, was completely out the window. If you want me to be poetic again, I could say that those feelings of misguided self-righteousness exited my body in the drool coming out of my mouth and the precum leaking out of me as I stimulated my prostate in this manner."

She paused for a moment.

"That's quite a nice way to frame the situation. Assigning these symbolic qualities to your bodily secretions might not be a scientifically accurate statement but it sure makes sense as a way for you to process the mental events with something to back them up in reality."

We both smiled. It was nice to talk to someone about these things who would actually understand what I meant at every step of the way.

"So. It wasn't a pretty nurse you imagined, was it," she said with a smile, bringing us back on track.

"That is correct. That was the moment where I understood how much pleasure one could get that way. The natural feeling of it being overwhelming paired up perfectly with turning my mind to a submissive state. And what can be more submissive than a situation in which one feels like having little control and being overpowered?" I explained.

"So that's when you began to..." she began, letting me finish her sentence.

"That's the moment I began to fantasize about cock and dominant men..."

"Of course you did. But I guess this is kind of the part that I'm also really curious about. If you hadn't done this before, if you say you had never felt such an attraction, then what would the basis be for your fantasies? Do you understand what I'm asking? How does one go from not being really interested or aware of being interested to actually fantasizing about them?"

The question was a good one. And I thought about it for a few moments.

"If I'm honest, the men I started fantasizing about just had some traits in common. Nothing to do with handsomeness or wholesomeness or anything like that."

"What then?" she insisted, knowing we were close to an important revelation that tied with everything we had discussed in our last session.

"They were taller, stronger, more assertive than me. They could easily overpower me if they so wished. And also they had a little bit of a mean streak to them. I wouldn't say outright cruelty, but certainly the capacity or emotional intelligence to be able to manipulate someone that way if they so wished..."

"That's really interesting. Can you give me an example of one such man?"

"Well... There were a few of the older students in the dorm building that certainly fit the bill. Older than me, established, stronger, in control. A far cry from the image of deer in the headlights that I felt I had when I arrived there initially."

"I'm guessing you weren't used to such a constant presence of these kind of guys in your life?"

"Well. Before going to college you are kind of like the oldest group in high school. So this transition to being the youngest demographic again... I guess it sort of played into it naturally. Also, being far from home and on my own. It kind of felt like an empty canvas for my mind to wander, for some reason..."

"It makes sense. Go on."

"As I said. Some of those older guys in the dorm room would be part of my fantasies. Fantasies about being asked to do stuff for them over the day as a lackey almost, and the night ending in a submissive sexual experience for me. "

"Such as?" she asked plainly. I knew she wanted the details.

"Kneeling on the floor of their dorm rooms to suck them off. Getting on my knees and chest on their bed or my bed for them. That kind of thing. I also remember that in these fantasies, the guy would forbid me from closing the dorm room door."

"Ha! So kind of like having a thermometer inside you and any doctor or nurse showing up unannounced and catching you red-handed. Right? "

She was of course, completely right. It was an evolution of that same concept of being caught that way.

"Yeah. And also those fantasies involved bathrobes a lot, since they were used for hitting the common showers etc. So for example, their robes opening and revealing perfect abs and... perfect cocks... was a intense part of the imagery in my mind. Also the bathrobe belts played a role often. Being tied, pulled etc."

"Very interesting. So we could say that this was a new situation for you. Far from home, surrounded by this new environment where the rules and authority weren't the exact same you knew. Surrounded by a lot of people that included a subgroup of men that could overpower you."

She made it look so simple and so clear. I had to give her that...

"But I'm curious. Because we have established that this process was quite natural. At least you've explained it that way. Some discovery of physical pleasure, some fantasies to go along with it. But I'm not convinced that's all there is to it," she said in a somewhat serious tone.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the way you've explained it, it feels to me like the toys and the new situation with these potential masculine figures overpowering you, is just too convenient and flows way too smoothly for it to be a sudden thing. Do you know what I mean?"

"Not sure."

"I mean that all of this was probably just a trigger than unearthed something that was already there in you."

I rejected that notion. I would've known earlier, if that was the case. I was sure of it.

"Not sure about that..." I began.

"Alright. Answer me truthfully. Were there in your life any instances, in any kind of situation you can think of, in which you were overpowered by a masculine figure in a way that directly or tangentially involved feelings of shame and submission? Please be honest and think about it."

I took a little bit of time to think. Until I realized what she meant. And then I saw it. I saw how right she was... A flood of memories and events came over me, and I started tying it all together. This was no coincidence. This explained a lot, if she was right about it...

"Well..." I stumbled.

"I knew it! Spill it. This is crucial. More than you think."

"Fine. In my childhood, I had some rather traumatic experiences involving things such as bare-butt spankings, anal suppositories and booster shots. They were all administered by a masculine figure that could overpower me easily. They all involved baring my ass or even my anus. They involved either some pain or some kind of invasion or penetration..." just saying those words felt like such a realization.

"See? I knew there was something there. And I'm not going to ask you to be detailed about it if it casues you distress. But I want you to realize those parallels. They are extremely important."

"Yeah... So... A masculine overpowering figure that establishes a very clear power imbalance. The shame of that region of me being potentially exposed to nurses or family members... Facing away from the person who does this, so I can't really anticipate their next move... Feeling helpless but at the same time kind of safe, since in the back of my mind, however angry I might feel, I sort of know its for my own good..."

She smiled. She didn't need to explain it to me. Just the suggestion was enough for me to draw the parallels, of which there were many.

"Your sexual fantasies probably developed as a way to cope with the stress and trauma of those past events. So your mind took most of those ingredients and made its own story with them, ending in extreme pleasure for you. But without losing sight of the submission, shame and maybe even guilt associated with it. It's an integral part of what ties it back with the past. It needs to be that way. Not quite right, not quite pleasant and calm. The anxious feelings you might have in the fantasy are the direct tie to what you originally experiened. It's a way to let's say... time travel? A way for your mind to go back there, but experience a better outcome that overwrites the bad. Makes sense?"

I just nodded, speechless.

"Answer me this. If you think about getting spanked bare-butt, if you think about having someone put a suppository inside you etc... Do you feel dread? or are you rather...excited?"