Confidence with a Catch

I'm speechless, hearing him say those words to me. I came here expecting him to be angry with me, unwilling to help. I had dressed up as well as I did in the hopes that maybe he'd find me attractive enough that he'd help me even if just to try and get laid. Yet here he was, staring gently at me with nothing but kindness. Clearly I'd chosen the wrong man to date all those years ago. Even hearing Jason's name after all this time didn't send me into the panic I normally experience when he's referred to as anything other than my ex.

"No Jeffrey," I say to him, tears once again stinging my eyes, "I'm sorry. I should have been there at your trial all those years ago, instead of frozen by my fear of having to face that night. I've let that fear ruin not just my life, but a portion of your own as well. Please, could you find it in you to forgive me for my cowardice?"

"No Amelia." he says, still smiling but letting go of my hand. "I won't forgive you because you haven't done anything to me that you need to be forgiven for. You went through an experience that drives most people often to permanent depression and far too often, suicide. Now, how can I help you?" he asks me gently. "I know you said you wanted to try my new procedure, but I have to warn you that it's not what you're probably expecting."

"Well..." I said, taking a deep, shaky breath in an effort to control my new mix of old nerves and newfound relief, "Like I told you, I've been trying everything I can think of to try and be normal again..."

"I'm going to stop you right there Amelia." Jeffrey said, interrupting me with a raised palm. "Normal is a strong word and highly inaccurate to boot. You don't need to normal. Nobody does. What you need is to be happy and healthy, and it's very hard to have one of those things without the other. So let's break it down into the simplest terms we can, okay?" he says, still using that wonderful, soothing voice of his. I gulp, nodding my head in response before taking a breath and speaking.

"I'm afraid Jeffrey. I'm afraid every single day. I'm afraid to get close to people because I worry that they'll betray me like Jason did. I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid of suffering the nightmare of relieving that night....the night you saved me." I say to him. "I never thanked you for that Jeffrey. I'm sorry about that and I know it's a bit late now but...thank you for saving me that night." He smiles at me, nodding gently and motioning for me to continue speaking.

"Fear has run my life ever since that night Jeffrey." I continue, tearing up again. "I can't live like this anymore. I've lost all my friends, my parents are sick of dealing with me and...well, look at me! I used to be proud of my body, but now I'm fat and ugly and..." Jeffrey silences me, putting a finger to my lips and staring into my tear-filled eyes with that gentle look of his.

"Amelia..." he says, his tone as gentle as his eyes, "You're not fat, nor ugly, nor anything else you were about to say. You're sad and lonely and afraid because a handful of very bad people tried to do something terrible to you once. But you know what?" he asks, smiling warmly at me, "You've never given up, despite all your pain. You told me you've tried so many things to get your life back under your control. You may have been encumbered by your fear for all these years but you've never yielded to it, and that makes you pretty amazing. You know that?"

I stand there awestruck by his words, his compassion and let him gently lower me to a chair so I can finally sit with him. The seat itself was very plush and comfortable, but I was barely able to notice that as Jeffrey strolled right back behind his desk and took his own seat. He pulled out a few papers, forms of some kind by the looks of them and went right back to looking me in the eyes.

"I'm going to be honest Amelia, I mostly agreed to this meeting to tell you that my procedure wasn't right for you and I had every intention of simply sending you home with the number of a colleague of mine who would have given you wonderful psychiatric care. However..." he paused, pushing the papers towards me. Now that they were closer I could see that they were release forms. "Now that I've seen you in person...I can tell this isn't just some cry for attention or wanting to try some new thing just because it's new. Your desperation is very much real, so I'm going to tell you exactly what happens with my procedure and then I'm going to give you a pen. Whether or not you decide to sign those forms and follow through with my procedure will be entirely up to you, okay?"

I nod at him, making sure that he knew he had my full attention with eye contact and body language. He looked at me for several more moments, almost seeming like he wished I would change my mind right then and there. I'll admit that his reluctance was making me a bit nervous, but he'd already proven that he could be trusted with my life years ago on that terrible night. I had no problems trusting him now. I'd swallow my fear for now, and he'd help me conquer it entirely.

"My procedure isn't really something I would call therapy. The most accurate description I could give it would be a personality rewrite. You'll still have your memories, but...well, you'd be completely different from how you are now. I came up with this as something to use on hardcore criminals honestly. You know, completely change the murderers and rapists of the world and hopefully make them harmless. I've only had two test runs with my process and I'm not really sure of the long term effects as of yet." he pauses, turning to me and seeing if I understand what he's said to me so far. I give him a slightly nervous nod and he continues.

"I honestly have no idea how or even if my treatment will affect you. I hadn't really thought of using it for victims of trauma like this before, but if you're really sure that you want to go through with this then I'll give you my best guess as to what may happen. Okay?" he says to me. I only nod again in response, making sure that I keep eye contact with him at all times. "Well, we'd be targeting the parts of your psyche that experience the trauma whenever the memories surface. Or in simpler terms, you'll still remember what happened to you but your brain will process it in an entirely different way. Maybe it'll just be like seeing a traumatic scene in a movie where you have an emotional response to it but it'll seem to distant to actually hurt you...or..." he pauses, clearly unsure of whether or not he should even continue as he adjusts the neckline of his shirt.

"Please Jeffrey. Whatever you're worried about, I promise you I can at least handle hearing about it. Please, continue." I say to him. He looks at me for a moment, then takes a deep breath and continues.

"Well, like I said I can't say for sure what would happen. The source of your trauma is in relation to both violence and sex, so you could become worse. Possibly turning into a meek coward who makes your current self seem brave, or even possibly have the other way where you think it's no longer a big deal and think you were just being whiny. The only thing I can say for certain is that if you go through with this, then the woman you are now will likely cease to exist entirely. You would be replaced by a version of you with your memories and none of the personality built up by those memories." He goes silent again when he finishes the last sentence and pulls an ornate pen out of a drawer.

I watch him place the pen on top of the stack of waivers and forms that he had pushed towards me earlier. There was a sad look in his eyes as I looked away from him and at the pen and forms. He basically just told me that his procedure wasn't going to fix me, but was instead going to erase me and have some new personality take over my life. Going through with this would mean the end of me...but it would also be the end of my fear controlling me. It would be the end of the weak, pathetic wreck I'd become and the start of someone new carrying on my memories and experiences like they'd watched a film of my life.

It took me all of ten seconds to finish deciding as I grabbed the pen and quickly started signing every piece of paper on his desk. Like Jeffrey said, I deserve to be happy and healthy and I can't do that as myself. I'll be someone new, and put my faith in him to make that someone stronger than me.

Chapter 3

I wish I had known ahead of time that there was going to be a lot of prep work involved in this procedure. It's been three days since I'd signed the paperwork and I've had to drink this nasty gunk three times a day ever since. At least the memory of how disgusting this is has been a good distraction. Ironically, I've had the best sleep of my life ever since I started drinking it. Something about it prevents me from dreaming so I haven't woken up in a panic or even screaming at all. It's been a mixed bag the past few days, but the sleep has been heaven. I'd never thought my bed could be so comfortable, and the thought that I'll be passing it onto the next Amelia brings a smile to my face. In some ways, this is a sort of suicide but I can't help but think of it as my rebirth instead. Maybe I'll change my name once my persona has shifted to whatever I become after I finally go through with the procedure.

Jeffrey of course has been trying to dissuade me from going through with it, but I've stayed determined. It's ironic that I've found more strength in the past few days as I march towards the end of me as I am right now than I have in the years since my near-rape. The thought makes this last disgusting drink in my hand go down easier than the last as I look at the calendar. This evening is the appointment for the procedure. I'd toast to the success of my future self, but Jeffrey told me I can't have alcohol until after the treatment's finished.

I smile as I rinse the glass out, throwing out the container of the fluid I've been drinking for the past few days. My eye catches my phone on the counter and it occurs to me I haven't told either of my parents about what I'm about to do. A pang of guilt shoots through me for a moment but I shake my head vigorously and quickly banish the feeling away. I can't call them, no matter how guilty I may feel. Jeffrey can't talk me out of going through with the procedure, but my mom would definitely be able to. I shake my head again. I won't let her or dad find out about this. All that will happen from their perspective will be that their daughter will have made a miraculous breakthrough against her anxiety and depression. I'll finally be the daughter they deserve.

I smack myself, a little ashamed of my thought despite how much I feel it to be the truth. They'd be rightfully upset if they knew I was thinking like that but it's my choice in the end. I'll give myself over to the new me entirely. The new me will be happy. The new me will be loved. The new me won't be afraid and will embrace life in its entirety. First though, the current me has to grab my car keys and drive over to make sure I'm on time for my appointment.

I grab my keys and take one last look at myself in the mirror. The sleep I've managed to get has done me wonders. The bags under my eyes have completely disappeared, my complexion's become a little less pale since I've stopped keeping my blinds and curtains shut all the time and without the stress-eating and drinking I can already see a very tiny amount of weight loss in my face. I feel good, thinking that I'll be beautiful once I've finally become active again, and head out the door to my old car. My junker's from the 90s but it's reliable and starts up right away.

The radio refuses to work properly, only playing heavy static with the barest bits of talking and music so I shut it off entirely. The silence leaves me alone with my thoughts. For what I'm hoping is the last time, the memory of that night so long ago tries to haunt me. For the first time though, I'm not afraid. Now...now I'm pissed. My shitty ex-boyfriend threw a hissy fit and ruined my god damned life because I didn't want to live my life his way. The worst part was, he still won in the end. He won because I let him. I let the fear and the pain control my life.

I scream and slam my fist on the dashboard as tears come to my eyes. I'm angry with the world, with fucking Jason...and with myself. Now...now with this new hope in my life, I finally have strength to face what happened to me but now I just want it to fuck off. I know me, and I know that I can't take this burst of rage and strength as permanent. I've felt this way before, though never with anyone or anything other than myself before now. I suppose being driven into a corner has brought this out in me. Now though, there's no more regressing back into fear. Now there's just the surrender left. I'll surrender to the procedure, to the new me, the same way I've been surrendering to the pain and fear for so much of my life.

I see Jeffrey's building come up on my right and I slow my car down to make the turn. The sun's gone most of the way down and I'm worried for a second as I see a bunch of signs of the whole thing being closed. I fear that this whole thing has been a terrible prank for a moment until I see a very solemn looking Jeffrey step outside of a door and direct me on where to park my car. I take a deep breath, ready to follow his directions and finally get a life.

Chapter 4

I lay on the padded operating table, fully clothed in a simple but comfortable outfit of just a t-shirt and some workout shorts. I had considered dressing up again like I had when I made the commitment to go through with this procedure half a week ago but decided against it. I just wanted to be as comfortable as possible tonight, before I change into someone else. Jeffrey had of course tried to dissuade me when I had stepped out of the car, but I refused to change my mind. Now though, he was all business as he fiddled with some large machine that almost seemed like a moveable CAT scan unit. He had told me before he started setting it up that I needed to lay down and relax myself as much as possible. Of course I asked what the machine was going to physically DO before I agreed to lay down.

He had explained everything in a very studious, professional manner to me, telling me that the machine was a sound and light device that was going to use a series of various stimuli to rewire my brain. I was of course nervous as all hell when he insisted that I lay down on the table and a large part of me worried that I had come willingly into a trap. That I was going to get strapped down and used against my will but when I had laid down he simply smiled at me, stroked my hair and told me that it was important for me to relax as much as possible.

I admit that his gentle mannerisms towards me as I lay down stoked a fire in me that I had thought long dead. I'd almost lost myself in his eyes as he spoke to me and I'd felt the smallest urge to lean up and kiss his lips as he spoke to me. I smiled at the thought, wondering how my life would have been different if I had dated him in high school instead of Jason. If we'd have split up or stayed together, trying to date long distance. Obviously, he made something of himself despite technically having a criminal record. I can only imagine how much better off he may have been if that terrible night had never happened in the first place.

I glance back over at him, still doing something with that large machine of his. I couldn't even begin to guess what that something is, but I continued smiling all the same. It's funny, seeing him working the thing like a mad scientist. All he would need is a lab coat and the look would be complete. I giggle at the contrast between what my imagination has put him in versus the simple button-up shirt and slacks he's actually wearing right now. He turns to me, catching my eye and speaks to me.

"I know I told you to relax, but what exactly are you laughing about over there Amelia?" he asks me. A blush fills my cheeks as I briefly debate over whether or not to tell him the truth about my thoughts. I'm not exactly comfortable with what he might think of me, but the fact that this is my last night as who I am right now bolsters my confidence and I just smile and tell him the truth.

"Actually, I was just thinking that if you were wearing a lab coat that we'd probably look like the set of an old sci-fi or horror movie." I tell him. To my pleasant surprise, he actually laughs pretty hard before turning back away from me.

"I suppose you have a point there." he says to me. "All we need is a dark, stormy night and a hunchbacked assistant and we'd have a pretty good Frankenstein-esque setup." Even with his back turned, I see him wipe a tear from his eye. "Well, I'm glad you're feeling good. We're actually ready to begin now." He begins wheeling the machine over, grunting slightly from the exertion as he continues to speak to me. "Now, I'll admit that there's a bit of guesswork involved here but if all goes according to plan then your new persona will manifest itself within a few minutes."

The machine gets positioned behind me and he stops pushing it for a moment to catch his breath. I brace myself when he stops, expecting him to ask me one last time to abandon the procedure but he says nothing as he normalizes his breath. He hits a switch on the machine and a curved screen extends forward from the machine directly over my head. It stops after covering my entire head as well as a good portion of my chest and I patiently wait for the machine to turn on. My nerves are nearly shattered, a large part of my brain screaming at me to get out and run back home but I take a large gulp and steel myself for what's about to happen next.

I hear Jeffrey hit a few more switches, though I can no longer see him with the screen taking up my entire field of few. Suddenly, soft music starts to play from the screen. I don't really recognize the melody, but it's some very soothing soft synthesizer music or something like it at least. The screen starts to change as the music plays on, shining like starlight and expanding like a well-done 3D effect in a movie. The more I look at it, the more the effect seems to suck me into it. My breathing picks up in pace but I don't feel any sense of panic as I lose myself in the lights and music.

"Good, Amelia." I hear Jeffrey say, his voice somehow sounding both intimately close and a million miles away. "Just stay relaxed, and think about the kind of person you wish to be. Let your mind go over every good thought and feeling you can muster." he says calmly to me. I try doing as he says, finding it hard to focus my thoughts as I fight off the wave of bad memories trying to vie for dominance in my mind while the machine does whatever it's doing to me.

My consciousness slips further and further from me as I try to obey Jeffrey's instruction. My life's been full of more bad memories than good ones, so I focus on the other thing he told me to...my feelings. I think back to how I've felt the past few days; my feelings of strength, of confidence, the way I felt when I looked in the mirror before I drove over here and saw myself as beautiful for the first time since high school. My mind drifts peacefully as the painful memories find less and less foothold in my mind and a smile comes onto my face. My thoughts turn to how happy I am that I've gone through with this procedure...how happy I am that I took the chance to reach out to Jeffrey for help.