All Comments on 'Consequences'

I know a good story needs a twist ending and all but, in this case I’m just confused. I would like to know what really happened at the end of the story.

Hello Anonymous!

I understand exactly where you're coming from. In general, I prefer the same thing. If I'm reading a story, I expect the author to finish the story instead of pass off that responsibility to me. Consequences was more of a writing experiment than anything else. I wanted to fool around with extreme brevity (and much to my surprise, it fit on one page), non-linear storytelling and a finale that was ambiguous enough to satisfy both the BTB crowd and the regular reader.

If it helps in any way, in my mind he kills himself.

Thanks for reading!

and i even bought the what happened after books. They didnt go anywhere, and there was no ending to them.

Amusing story that you wrote though, thank you

this dysfunctional family, TK U MLJ LV NV

You packed a lot of emotion and remorse into that one page. Aside from a couple of confusing pronouns and questionable verb tenses, this was a really well told story. For as short as the story was, I think the disjointed timeline was a good choice. Two flashbacks (the unemployment and the start of the affair) would have been too much for a short linear story. Arranging the scenes as you did gave them all a similar significance.

This does happen. A man with a dying wife takes up with another woman while his wife is still alive. I don't know what the consequences were, I never spoke to him again after I found out

You're right in that a linear story with this content would require more space. The flashbacks conserved brevity at the risk of confusing the reader. A story like this requires maximum focus to appreciate. Not a bad thing, so long as the reader is willing to make that commitment. As you can see, I did.

Great tale of a man who was worthwhile most of his life. Destroyed his family and then either murdered his new cheating wife or killed himself. Doesn't matter which one. Could be real life....

I both like AND dislike the ending! Part of me would like to see him killing them, with or without taking his own life. Part likes the idea of making his wife watch him blowing his brains out, and his family realizing the consequences of THEIR actions!

WWWM IS a good story, but as was said, the last time I checked even the e-books weren't complete.

You made me feel both sorry for Jonathan while at the same time relieved he experienced consequences for his actions. An odd mix of emotions to be sure.

Full marks from me.

Very excellent entertainment 😁. Perfect ending. I thought he killed himself. Glad I reached the same conclusion as you Bebop3, lol !

How about another challenge: Peter, maybe he can experience a question about choices and morality 🤔❗This was very black and white.

Thanks for sharing.

AMerryman

I read it a second time just to get chronology correct. I love BTB story’s in general but this is totally different. 5. I think I’d like to hear more about Mia distrusting her husband so much. How you would do it, I don’t know. I this there could be a follow up story here. In my mind, he shots all 3, the 2 lovers and himself. How would Peter take this? He’d really have to be cruel to say “serves grandpa right and just go on”. The story makes Jonathan as the bad guy but I can possibly see me being him. If my wife were disabled for a long time, I’d be faithful at first but for how long. Certainly months maybe years but forever may be impossible. Easy to say when you’re young healthy and in love. A thought provoking story for sure.

I'm assuming that Jonathon's wife didn't make it? If she did, wouldn't she have been at Christmas instead of him?

Assuming he did kill himself, I'd be curious at his family's reaction. Would Peter's grief at his grandfather's death overcome his anger? For Mia, she seemed more disappointed in him than angry. How will she feel knowing that her rejection had a part in his death?

I see not much hope for recovery in that family.

This hits too close to home

What is grandson Peter said to him came to past. But you still feel sad for Jonathan! Brilliantly written though!

Not many stories delve into detail about consequences to other people associated with a sad action. I've always believed your are responsible for you actions and their consequences and Jonathan paid in full for his. Sad.

It was interestingly done with the jumps backwards and forwards.

Thanks for your hard work.

Woodmanone

there's no way for the reader to FTDS

But my brain must be totally zapped tonight. It could not make the effort to reorder the pieces into linear sequence.

I couldn't find any foreshadowing connections. Delayed information didn't provide anything out of the ordinary. Some details were revealed, but they weren't anything unexpected.

It's not even obvious how nonlinearization provided compression.

But thanks for writing, and you did get another reader because of your other works!

I say he shoots the wife and lover and then himself.

If you didn't jump all over the damn place. Made it to hard to follow what the hell was going on. Good thing it was so short because if it had been longer I would have stopped reading after the first page and debated if I wanted to read any of your other stories.

I don’t usually mind 2 or 3 timeframe jumps in a story, but this was almost ridiculous. In just over a page of work there are 8 time jumps. And what was ultra confusing was the beginning was actually in the past, and the next time jump is further in the past. It’s as if there is no steady ground to stand on to get our bearings.

And, the hardest thing to get by is several of the jumps didn’t make sense to me on first reading. Even skimming it over again, knowing the whole story, some of the jumps are, ‘Huh? What? Why? Oh. But...’

I think you, as the writer, know it so well, and have the story so embedded in your mind, that everything is clear and makes sense. There is obviously a reason you ordered it that way. But it’s mostly unclear to me why you did it that way. Maybe if I do a deep analysis, with several readings, it might make sense. But then it becomes work and not pleasure reading.

I think, with some reordering of just some of the time jumps, it could make for an easier read, yet still keep a few jumps that make sense with the flow of the story (at least to me YMMV).

Even with the difficult read, it was so original and such a sharp storyline, I have to give this 5-stars.

...... but quit trying to write.

This is not a perceptive crowd. My only quibble is I would have liked a little more at the end. That’s because I’m greedy and think it would have made more structural sense. Maybe having Pete say it was a little too on the nose, but considering the problems Lit readers have understanding any sort of subtext, I can see why you chose a spotlight over bread crumbs.

Nicely done.

So,did he shoot himself or the lovers?.

i realize that it is ironic that I am also using anonymous but please don't group me with the brain dead examples from one and two years ago. I've always tried to encourage kids to read but in their case they obviously never graduated beyond "see Dick run, run Dick run!". They must be related to Nitpic. Thank you Bebop and the rest of Lit's fine writers for elevating what we educated readers can look forward to enjoying.

somewhere east of Omaha

The way the story was set up was good. The ending was unclear. Did his wife cheat first and continue cheating on him so he got some strange? The jumping of the time lines made it unclear.

Great story, including the ending. Let the readers finish the ending themselves.

was going to say, "WTF or weird" but I understand the story.

The grandson was right regarding the new wife. If she cheated WITH him whats stopping her from cheating ON him.

From the story the new wife was already long divorced so she wasn't cheating on a husband.

So,who did he shoot?.Hopefully the lovers.

*****Thanks for the read sad, but sometime so true.

The story was quite choppy. More detailed explanation needed under each "year". Got a little confused with the "hurry up and make this a one pager". The subjects could have been explained in regards to their reasons for feeling as they portrayed their grudges. I felt you touched the surface of each character, and the meaty part of each of there existence was fallen to the waste side.

Huh??!!

He cheated. Her Cancer?

She cheating with who?!

Totally lost me so dislike!!!

Satisfying.

There

There's no doubt you are a very good writer. You are able to make the reader experience emotion but your experiment with "non-linear" timeline was very hard to follow. It made the reader, me, work very hard to "follow" the storyline. Maybe that was the purpose?