Constructive Criticism Ch. 01

ALEX:

Whether she knows or not, I can feel Vidya's hot stare burning into my skin. She's tapping the end of her pencil against her notebook in slow movements. Across from me, separated by the wooden table's desk lamp, she sits in a white blouse with a flowery lace pattern that shows only up close. It's buttoned to the pale underside of her brown throat with the collar folded crisply. Trying to hide my gaze from her, I focus on the table. Vidya's forearms rest on the table atop an open notebook which is covered in her neat scrawl of writing. Her science books are stacked messily to her left, but each one is unopened. When did she close them? The sleeves of her shirt are rolled up to her elbows which reveal thin wisps of black hair against her dark forearms. She carries two rings on her left hand: the first rests against the second knuckle of her middle finger while the other only hits the first.

We're in the same Science class, although our interactions are limited. She hardly ever raises her hand in class to participate and sits on the other side of the lecture hall than I do. We've spoken a few times-once she wound up at my dorm door knocking for George's girlfriend. They were out but would be returning within ten minutes, I had explained.

Although she most likely doesn't reciprocate the sentiment, there's something I enjoy about spending brief moments with Vidya. She's shy. She never raises her voice. She speaks and laughs quietly. It sometimes takes her a few seconds to get my jokes, and she hardly ever replies with any, but it amuses me to watch her navigate our interactions. I like the way she looks so intensely at me as if she's calculating every move she should make in response to me. It might be mean because, yes, I am laughing at her.

I had invited her into my room, let her sit at my desk, and watched as she spun slowly in the chair, taking in the cramped dorm room. She surveyed all the posters, raising an eyebrow every now and then at bands she didn't recognize. Desperate to fill the silence, I asked her to explain something we had learned in class that Monday, but, in all honesty, I didn't need her to. She had gotten the memo and resumed the lesson in her quiet voice, her eyes hardly meeting mine.

Vidya looked grateful when George and Maya returned. After Maya kissed George goodbye, the two girls left. When the door was kicked shut behind them, I was almost sorry to see her go.

I snap out of the memory as I watch her prop her left elbow on the table and rest her cheek in her hand. I let my eyes follow the movement.

"Is there something I can help you with?" I ask, meeting her black eyes. Vidya's eyes widen with a start, and she lets out a sharp no.

"Really? I was under the impression that when people stare at you so intently, they usually want something. Especially in a library," I say, leaning back in my chair until the first two legs are off the ground. "So, you sure you don't need anything?" I try not to smile in amusement as I watch her face darken with a blush. She's silent for a few seconds, her eyes wide as if she's a deer caught in headlights.

"I was zoning out," she murmurs.

"You sure you just weren't admiring?" I ask, gesturing to my body.

Her face turns even darker. "Don't flatter yourself, Alex," she snaps.

With a dry laugh, I let the first two legs of the chair hit the ground with a sharp smack. "Chill, all right? It was just a joke." I reach forward, sweeping my Science books into my arms, and tuck them safely into my bag. As I push my chair back to stand, she shoots to her feet. I raise an eyebrow. "Coming back to my dorm with me?" I laugh.

"I-I. . .no, I'm not. I'm not going to someone's dorm-least of all yours," she replies, shocked at my joke. "It's late. I'm going to use the bathroom. Then I'm going home." She turns on her heel and leaves the table. Vidya's steps are short and rapid. I watch the way her long legs move under her blue skirt, admiring the way it rides up ever so slightly on the back of her thighs. Her tights cling to her skin, and I suddenly find myself realizing that in some way, I'm attracted to her. She hid a lot of herself under a stubborn glare, a harsh attitude, and shapeless clothes.

I'm about to leave, but my curiosity gets the better of me. I lean over the desk to look at what had kept her from her homework. The notebook is small and pink with a long leather strap that winds around to keep the book shut. I flip through the pages, skimming. No drawings, no photos, nothing glued in. I almost gasp in surprise when I finally stop to read.

He kissed his way down her stomach

She arched her back

knotted her hands in his hair

Pushed himself into her mouth

I slam the book shut with the initial shock, and I feel a blush of embarrassment creeping up my neck and to my cheeks in a hot wave. Who would have thought Vidya would be the kind of person to write this. My skin is tingling with something more than shock, I realize. I'm curious. I want to know more. At the same time, I had already over-stepped an enormous boundary and shoved my nose in something that didn't concern me. I should know better. Fuck, it's not like I'm some dumb teenager with no concept of boundaries. I'm a fucking adult. My heart is thudding against my chest. With a heavy sigh of guilt, I re-open the book. I flip back a few pages and begin to skim. It's erotica, and it's intense. The kind I'd never expect Vidya to write about-much less be able to talk about.

When I hear the bathroom door opening, I rush to put the notebook back in place. I try to play it off cool and occupy myself with my phone. When Vidya sees me, she narrows her eyes.

"What're you doing?" She questions, approaching her side of the desk and beginning to pack up her belongings.

"It's rude not to wait," I respond, glancing at the clock. "Plus, it's only 9:00. George fucking kicked me out so he could get his dick wet." Vidya drops her water bottle, and it hits the ground with a bang before noisily rolling to my feet. I bend down, pick up the blue metal bottle, and hand it back to her. I want to laugh as I watch her try not to touch my hand, but my heart is racing from what I've read.

"I didn't need to know about that," she answers, shouldering her bag. She shuts off the light of the desk lamp, and we're the last in the library. Vidya leads the way out from the dimness to the street.

"I'm surprised Maya doesn't tell you about these things," I say, opening the library door. The cold breeze assaults us, and we both bend our heads against the wind, making our way back to the dorms. She shivers quietly, but my skin is still too hot from shock to even be fazed.

"She does, sometimes," Vidya responds. "I just don't like talking about it."

"Why not?" I ask.

"You're Filipino," she responds. "You weren't raised with a mother who insisted someone should wait until marriage?"

"Half Filipino, half Chinese. She's second generation, so no. She pestered my sister about what she wore sometimes. But nothing about sex. Wasn't really something any of us discussed."

"Consider yourself lucky," Vidya sighs as we turn right. "I'm just not comfy with discussing these things. My parents always treated it as something you don't talk about with others. It embarrasses me. And I especially don't want to discuss it with you."

"Me?" I laugh. "Come on. I'm not so bad."

Did other people know about her erotica? Or was it her dirty little secret? "Whatever helps you sleep at night."

I don't laugh, unsure of whether she's joking or not. Sure, I've heard Vidya make a few polite jokes before but seeing as I can't tell what she makes of me, I'm entirely unsure how to react. I let out a long sigh. We walk in silence for the last three minutes before arriving at our door. Using her dorm card, she slides it through the lock, and the door buzzes as it admits us in the cool foyer of the common room. She walks up the stairs before me, and I keep my eyes on the steps as we climb. Vidya stops at the second landing, and I watch her make her way down to the end of the hall. When I call out a goodnight, she waves over her shoulder without ever turning around. I watch as she unlocks her door and disappears into her room. I take the last flight two stairs at a time before unlocking the door and stepping into the room. I'm surprised to see it's empty-does that mean George and Maya ended up in her room?

My heart has an intense thrum to it, and I wrangle with my clothes to get them off of my sweaty body. I kick them under the bed frame, fall onto the mattress, and shut my eyes. I was overreacting. It wasn't a big deal. Vidya wrote erotica-it wasn't like it was taboo or anything. She had her own life, and I hardly knew any of it. But with her blouses that always cover her body, and long legs, and stubborn looks, I have to admit the curiosity was thrilling. Has she slept with anyone before? How much experience does she have? I instantly feel bad-her sex life isn't my business. But I imagine her curled up in bed wearing a tank top that exposes her tits, the type where you can see her nipples through the fabric. I can see her atop her pink bedspread, scribbling in her notebook. Her legs are shut together, fidgeting to create friction as her heart rate increases. She's trying to keep herself from touching.

I find myself masturbating before I even realize what I'm doing. Vidya, Vidya, Vidya, who probably hates me. If she knew what I was thinking about, she would slap me across the face so hard it would sting for days. Regardless, I wrap my right hand around my shaft and grope myself with the other. I move slowly, gradually growing harder and harder in my hand. Sharing a dorm had its difficulties but after tonight, after knowing her secret, fuck it. I wanted this so badly. I push my boxers down to my thighs, tighten my grip and pump faster. I think about undoing the buttons of that pretty little blouse, running my hands up her blue skirt to the waistband of her tights. At this point, the pre-cum allows my cock to slip in and out of my curled fingers. I can't help but imagine her spreading her long, brown legs and slowly revealing herself to me. Letting me crawl on my hands and knees to her pussy. Letting my stomach rest against her perfect pink comforter, wrapping my arms around her thighs, pressing my mouth to her over-heated flesh. I find myself grabbing the head of my cock, quickening my movements. I feel the warmth grow hotter in my stomach until it burns. The upward jerk of my hips is involuntary. I start to throb—I'm at the point of no return. I toss my head back into my pillows as the orgasm rattles through me. The cum spurts across my stomach, my chest, up by my shoulders. Fuck.